DRIVER CHARD HAS "BAD DAY AT THE DUCK" IN SPENCER TRACY SLUR

DRIVER CHARD HAS "BAD DAY AT THE DUCK" IN SPENCER TRACY SLUR

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff , acting Charmain and President of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" has outraged the societies membership by bad mouthing the former Hollywood great, Spencer Tracy.

At a recent meeting of the Cultural and Cinematography sub committee convened to discuss a viewing of Spencer Tracy films, it came to light that Diver Chard has never been impressed by the famous actors one handed driving skills as executed in Bad day at Black Rock.

Driver Chard went on to explain that as a Driver in the British Army, he was trained to drive his vehicle one handed in case a limb or hand was lost in an explosion, or rendered unfit for use by a bullet or mortar shell. This training took place in the Egyptian desert, under similar condition to those experienced by Tracey in the film.

Driver Chard was particularly upset at the lack of hand signals, and the offending actors habit of holding his hat to his head with his driving hand. This was expressly forbidden under military rules, and was punishable by five stokes of the commanding officers cane to the bare posterior of the offending driver.

This point was strongly made by Driver Chard, who also agreed that he occasionally removed a hand from the wheel so that he could receive  the punishment from his C.O as this was a nice change from the local cross dressing Arab  hookers who offered the same back at the barracks.

The Duck Flat Cap Society sub committee members were some what taken aback by these revelations and a vote was was swiftly taken to ascertain whether the DFCS would support Driver Chard in his denunciation of the driving skills of the famed American actor. A show of hands soon exhibited a spilt in the opinions of the sub committee with non driving Bazzer Duck and the northern reactionary Dave the Teach both agreeing that the aging actor was a poor driver and should have been publicly admonished for his shoddy driving.

Both these supporters of the Chards opinion expressed a belief that they will soon be able to demonstrate the correct way to drive one handed when they drive the Golf Buggy on the Society's trip to Iberia which takes place shortly.

On the other hand, ex military hard man Basher Hurley and Dave Duck were both in favour of the silver haired actor, and both agreed that they would demonstrate that there was no alternative to the way that the Jeep was driven in the film. In particular, the various swerves that were taken to evade bullets and the interaction of other vehicles was inevitable, and a demonstration of this was also to be re enacted at the up and coming golfing event.

Driver Chard at this stage became very agitated and marched to the bar so as to order a further trio of beverages, and returning to his seat with his face cherry coloured through rage. As he fell back on to his seat he further erupted in fury as his beermats had been taken by an unsuspecting member of the bar staff, and after removing three mats from his jacket and placing his pints of bitter upon them, turned to the assembled committee and retorted "whats going on here then".

 

 After a couple of minutes Dave the Duck approached the Chard with the subject that we had been debating, only for the Chard to denied any knowledge of the film, and that he was never a driver in the armed forces but had flown missions for the Nationalists in the Spanish Civil War. At that point the sub committee decided to break for the day and to reconvene at a latter date when Driver Chard had regained his mind and the tablets had had time to function.  

A further report will be submitted if and when the DFCS members return from the proposed trip to the Iberian Peninsula.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

RAY "RAYMUNDO" THE DUST IN TOE FETISH OUTRAGE

RAY "RAYMUNDO" THE DUST IN TOE FETISH OUTRAGE

Aging Lothario and ex lightweight Karaoke crooner, Ray "Raymundo from England" the Dust, has been scandalising civil society with his outrageous toe fetish behaviour.

The dust has been absent from his workplace for a number of weeks due to a supposed injury to his foot, but it has recently come to the attention of the Duck Flat Cap Society that his injury is self inflicted.

It has long been suspected by the ethics and sexual orientation sub committee , that the overweight refuse driver has a unusual and unhealthy interest in feet, and in particular the big toe.

 

It was indeed quite apparent during a recent overseas trip to the Costa Del crime, that the dust was more than casually interested in the feet and toes of both male and female bathers surrounding the hotels pool. This unhealthy interest was also apparent in refusal to wear no footwear other than Jesus boots and  also roman centurion sandals.

On the dusts return from his trip to the Iberian peninsula, it was noted by all the members of the DFCS, that the dust had picked up the strange, odd and quite frankly baffling  trait of exposing his feet at every opportunity. This strange and unnerving behaviour culminated with his self inflicted mutilation to his big toe , so that he could flaunt his outrageously ugly digit to all and sundry.

 This seedy and gross behaviour has unfortunately been spreading of late,culminating with a recent attempt by Bazzer Duck to bite off the offending digit.

Fortunately for the fellow revellers , Bazza was pulled away from the dusts foot just in time to prevent an act of rabid savagery that would surly have resulted in full blown Rabies for the offending Bazza.

As it was, a doctor was called by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, in his capacity of acting medical officer in the absence of ex military hard man and sexologist, Basher Hurley, and anti tetanus injections were administered to the full committee and bar staff.

We await further news on the Dusts self inflicted condition, and will report further in due course.   

EARLY INTRIGUE AT THE BOHEMIAN LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN

EARLY INTRIGUE AT THE BOHEMIAN LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN

  
The inaugural meeting of The Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG), took place in a leafy Northwood hostelry, was infiltrated by a balding grey headed inebriate, believed to be the notorious gambler and builder, Big Bad Bobbidybob. 

As the founding members of the League assembled at the bar of the chosen hostelry, a short disheveled figure, wearing no socks and wooden clogs was observed glancing towards the gathered brethren.  Over a short period of time he had advance to an adjacent bar position and his balding and greying countenance was clear to all.

As the group noticed his pressing presence, Loafington "Meaty" Smythe and Horsington Smythe soon recognised this aging septuagenarian to be no other than the former Mitre reprobate Big Bad Bobbidybob.  No sooner than eyes had met, the  wooden clogged gambler was engaged in conversation involving the Mitre public house and the associated imbibers from those happy days.

As efforts to shake off the interloper were having little or no effect, the initial meeting of the League of Bohemians was initiated by the confirmation that a quorum was in place and a vote for the first President and Chairman of the League took place.


After a show of hands it was agreed that in view of his advancing years and past experience in defending his crease with a stout defense, it was agreed that Bombardier Steve Carter would   become the first President and initial Chairman. However, at this moment the greying and now baying Big Bad Bobbidybob interjected and tried to advance his own name as inaugural Chairman, stating that he was senior in age to the Bombardier.

He also objected to Monsieur Steve Carter holding two offices, at which point if was voraciously pointed out to the gambling conman that he was not a member of the League, and should sling his hook. 

The remaining Bohemian Knights, Loafington "Meaty" Smythe, Mose the Mosenelle, Sergeant Blainey, Boozy Creed,Tony "the Stallion" De Angelo and Horsington Smythe, confidently confirmed the joint appointment, and raised a glass to salute the new President and Chairman.   

However, after proceeding to purchase a round of ale for the existing League Of Bohemian members,Big Bobby was allowed to continue his attendance at the meeting.  

At this stage the voting of further officials was suspended so that the important positions of security officer, Imbiber General, Transport Secretary, Captain of the Consumption Ethics committee,  and Intermediary Quaffer, would be kept secret from the failing hearing of the now doddering Big Bad Bobbidybob.   

As the evening progressed, the level of consumption became to great to continue official business and the meeting closed with a further round being purchased involving numerous vodka and scotch whisky confections.



Soon the evening was over, and quite how the members all got home is not yet known or documented and will be discussed at next meeting.

THE BOHEMIAN LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN - THE BEGINNING

THE BOHEMIAN LEAGUE OF GENTLEMEN - THE BEGINNING

 
As the dust settled on the London riots of 2011, a breakaway section of the Duck Flat Cap Society had obtained  Royal approval to set up "The Bohemian League of Gentlemen" for the protection of Public Houses and associated Ale Houses.

This Royal Charter, set up to protect the imbibing establishments of North West London, in particular Harrow Weald, North Harrow and Northwood Hills, had the full backing of The Campaign for Real Lager "CAMRLAG" together with the full support of The Duck Flat Cap Society and its affiliate  associations, including the northern agitator's, the Northern based Ekee Thump Brigade .     

The first meeting of the Bohemian League of Gentlemen took place on Friday 19th August 2011 at Northwood Hills when a small band of work weary imbibers met to discuss the events of recent weeks, the start of the Premier League and the likely hood of Man United winning the league again after scoring 15 goals in additional "Ferguson Time".    Matters concerning the safety of local hostelry's were also discussed, and a captain and President were elected for the fledgling groups Imbibing and Consumption Committee.

Of particular interest to the casual bystander, was the successful attempt by Horatio Loafmeister to swallow a pint of best Lager in less than 2.5 seconds, and thus take the record from the stout and robust Lance Corporal Blaney, who has held the record since 1948.

As expected, ex East German spy and Bilingual stenographer "The Mosenelle" attempted to consume 25 milliliters of Ice cold Lager in less than 30 minutes but sadly failed.

Slides and sketches from recent vacations in Barcelona were shown by "Boozey" Creed and Horsington "The Horse" Smythe, and Horatio Loafmeister sung Hungarian love songs and Afghanistan lullabies throughout the evening.  

A representative from the Imbibing and consumption committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society was also invited to ensure that proceedings went to hand, and that there was no divergence from the Leagues Royal charter takes place.

Further reports will be available after the next meeting of the Bohemian League Of Gentlemen in due course. 

 

 

JACK THE RIPPER REVEALED AS ROYAL LOVER LILLIE LANGTRY

JACK THE RIPPER REVEALED AS ROYAL LOVER LILLY LANGTRY

Records recently uncovered by the Whitechapel and Heligioland Academy of Butchery and Prostitution have revealed that the murderous Jack The Ripper was no other than the equally famous  actress and entertainer Lillie Langtry.

Miss Langtry is of course famous for being the lover and mistress of the then Prince of Wales, the future King Edward V11, and was known to be involved with the east London underworld at the time of the Whitechapel murders carried out by the notorious Jack the Ripper.

  
The murders of the Whitechapel prostitutes have been studied by historians and crime enthusiasts aver since the first murder took place in 1888. However all have apparently overlooked the evidence that has been unearthed by the students of the previously unheralded "Whitechapel and Heliogoland Academy of Butchery and Prostitution".

A close friend of Oscar Wilde, Lillie Langtry was well placed in society with associates in both the aristocracy and the seedy low life of the east London underworld.  However, most important to this story is the previously unknown fact that prior to Lillie Langtry's entry to the world of prostitution and theatre, she was a qualified butcher, having been apprenticed to a Boston butcher in her early teens. 

Secret documents , long believed to have been secreted within the Royal Archives at Windsor Castle, include  certification of her membership of the "Guild of Butchers and Poultry Slaughterers", a document that Lillie passed to the future King of England after his remark that her ferocious sexual behaviour was akin to a butcher slaughtering a beast ready for devouring at the table.    This certificate, bearing the seal of the Guild was written in ox blood and was remarkably like the infamous latter letter sent to Inspector  Frederick Abberline of the Metropolitan Police.

It had long been suggested in academic circles that Oscar Wilde was allegedly aware of the identity of Jack the Ripper, but it has never been previously supposed or suggested that his close confident and friend, the Kings Whore, was the female perpetrator of the despicable Whitechapel murders. 

It has allegedly been reported that Lillie was indeed a female misogynist, with a deep seated hatred of woman, and in particular prostitutes and whores, with the supreme irony that herself was indeed the countries greatest whore at time of these despicable murderous events.

A further investigation has allegedly revealed that Lillie was a regular visitor to Mitre Square and Hanbury Street whilst she was engaged in an earlier strategy of trying to convert the local prostitutes to a life on the stage. However these efforts were short lived and only left the Kings Whore with an even greater wish to dispose of these cheap and stinking whores and remove them violently and abruptly from society. 

Thus we await further information from the papers uncovered by the endeavours of the Whitechapel and Heligioland Academy of Butchery and Prostitution prior to updating you further.

"BEACH VOLLEYBALL" OUTRAGE , AS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TURN DOWN ALLEGED ESCORT DUTIES

" BEACH VOLLEYBALL" OUTRAGE , AS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TURN DOWN ALLEGED ESCORT DUTIES

Unsubstantiated reports indicate that the prestigious "Duck Flat Cap Society" may have outraged the sporting world by turning down an alleged invitation to escort alleged members of an undisclosed Beach Volleyball team when they were at Ruislip Lido for the 2012 Olympics.

The alleged report states that a meeting of the societies "Sporting and Ethical" sub  committee, voted to reject the offer by a margin of four to three, with "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" heading up the faction of objectors.   

It has long been known that Driver Chard, the aging acting President and Chairman,was a misogynist with a deep hatred of all females other than his beloved wife, "Lady Chard of El Hadj Duiff". This dissatisfaction with the female sex is believed to be based on unfortunate incidents that took place when Chard was a young squaddie in Egypt, whilst completing his national service. 

 


Undisclosed sources have indicated that during a long session of strip backgammon, involving three staff drivers and a buxom nurse, Driver Chard was humiliated  by the nurse when he was forced to remove his army issue khaki shorts to reveal lily-white thighs and a pair of lady's knickers. 

Furthermore, after loosing the next session of backgammon, the female undergarments were withdrawn from his person, which revealed a union jack tattoo on each testicle.

This unfortunate event left Driver Chard with a deep set hatred of nurse and females in general.   


The unsubstantiated report also confirms that the other members of the committee to reject the proposal were "Dave the Teach", a serial womaniser and Lothario with an inbreed and deep felt mistrust of the female species, and  Barry "Bazza" Duck, who also has a long time mistrust of the female gender. 

The alleged report goes on the state that among those who voted in favour of the proposed escort duties was ex military hard man  and  sexologist "Basher Hurley", who was flabbergasted and outraged  to note the decision of the committee.

Another to vote for the alleged privilege of escorting the unnamed Beach Volleyball Team was Mal "Malcs" Malcolm, a part time member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, who occasionally serves on the committee on behalf of the societies Hemel Hempstesd section.

Of course, it should also be noted that Mal "Malcs" is also a fellow sexologist and studied for his sexology diploma in the same clinic as Basher Hurley.  


It was further reported that an appeal had been proposed by our sexologist friends, and a further extraordinary meeting was to be held the following Friday, Chaired by "Ray the Dust" and assisted by his diminutive trash collecting buddy, "Pepe Le Puke". 

The results of this extraordinary meeting were never released and the whole unsavory event remains a mystery.

THE RENUNCIATION OF FERNANDO GOMEZ

THE RENUNCIATION OF FERNANDO GOMEZ 

Fernando Gomez was born in a New York slum and spent the first sixteen years of his life living in a one room apartment with no heating and no running water. Sanitation was non existent, with excrement piled in heaps across the rooms fetid floor. 

It was alleged, but never substantiated or proved, that his father was allegedly, no other than the twin brother of the great Mario Lanza, Raymondo Roymondo Lanza, who after a heavy night on black tar heroin or Golden Brown, had slept with a Brooklyn hooker inseminating her with his Italian seed, and leaving her with ruptured ear drums from his constant rendition of Italian Opera and Mac the Knife.

Fernando did not attend school and by the age of sixteen was a streetwise pervert with a penchant for bad smelling feet and Parmesan cheese.  By begging and stealing he managed to maintain a low level drug habit, and had been dependent on crack cocaine from the age of ten.  His nose was destroyed by his constant sniffing of butane gas and toilet cleaner, and his veins were non existent through the injection of crack cocaine direct in to his bloated body.

One  wet New York morning Fernando slipped on to a metro train and disembarked on the lower west side, adjacent to the river Hudson. His next step was to stow away on the packet steamer S.S Croydon, and was soon slipping unnoticed by all and sundry in to Southampton docks, Hampshire England.

He soon realised that his name would be unsuitable in his new English surroundings, and remembering where he boarded the ship, being the River Hudson, decided to adopt the surname of Hudson. To further enhance his chance of not being detected in the UK he also changed his first name to Raymondo. 

Thus Raymondo Hudson was born, and he began his slow rise through the layers of society until he reached the dizzy heights of Master Waste disposal Operator, and sombalistic part time karaoke singer and drunk.

The rest is well documented and the subject of various other posts. !