"DRIVER CHARD" IN REFERENDUM UPROAR - IN , OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT !

"DRIVER CHARD" IN REFERENDUM UPROAR - IN , OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT !

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has caused a constitutional uproar at the Duck Flat Cap Society by demanding a plebiscite on the future of the fabled Duck Flat Cap Society.

Encouraged by the recent protestations of the Scottish National Party (SNP) for full independence from the United Kingdom, and the forthcoming referendum, acting President and Chairman of the DFCS, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" is insisting that the societies  membership vote on full devolution from the UK, in respect of the land and buildings held by and under the control of the DFCS and it's membership.

The cantankerous septuagenarian has long fostered a belief that the United Kingdom has let the English populace down, mainly due to his belief that the Suez crises was a disgrace to the English race, and was a cheap, badly thought out, stab in the back to the British fighting "Tommy".

DRIVER CHARD

Those familiar with these reports will be aware that Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff was stationed in Egypt during his brief military career, and that he was discharged from the service shortly before the Suez crisis.

The reason for his discharge is rarely discussed, but military records obtained by ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, reveal that he was discharged after an unsavoury incident involving a camel, an Egyptian dancing girl, and as the chard would describe, a gamp (umbrella).

The mentally unstable "Driver Chard" has continued to resent the interference of the USA in the affairs of the United Kingdom, but also fostered a strong feeling that the British government was and is too weak, and a willing pawn in the foreign affairs of the USA, whilst they strive and plan for, continued  political and monitory domination of the world.

Due to these unbalanced feelings Driver Chard has long wished that his beloved Duck Flat Cap Society" would succeed from the United Kingdom, and form an independent state, named "The Republic of  Duckwych".

The name "Duckwych"  being borrowed from "Dragonwych", one of Driver Chard's favourite films staring his hero and fantasy male role model, Vincent Price.

Driver Chard's stance has been discussed by the "DFCS", and the "Imbibing and sovereignty" sub committee have decided that it is not appropriate for a referendum to take place until the mental stability of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" has been fully established.

This is to be achieved by at least three independent medical doctors conducting a full test of his mental agility and stability, and an appropriate affidavit confirming the Chard's healthy state of mind, signed by  his legal attorney together with an independent lawyer appointed by the "Legal and Litigation" sub section of the DFCS, namely "Arthur J Fukrudden & Co - solicitors to the landed gentry". 

At present, it is unlikely that the appropriate documents will be forthcoming, as at recent meetings of the full Duck Flat Cap Society, as acting president and chairman, "Driver chard" has taken to wearing a 1947 Fulham FC football kit together with a fake copy of the Victoria Cross and other medals obtained in his brief military career as a 1st class driver.

This regalia is topped off with a black top hat perched on his greying head, and a pair of black and white spats on his lower legs and feet.

This sad misbehaviour is further enhanced by his handing out to the remaining committee members, a collection of fading signed photographs of failed Karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative "Ray the Dust", in a number of compromising positions, mainly with the diminutive and overweight fellow dust cart operative "Pepe Le Puke".

RAY THE DUST

The authenticity of the photographs are not doubted, as similar seedy shots were uncovered during "Ray the   Dusts" recent fall from grace in to his own personnel mental trough , following his dismissal from the Karaoke circuit and associated  pub singing underworld, so vicariously loved by the overweight and ageing Lothario.

The negatives are currently being investigated by "Dave the Teach" and northern compatriot " Basher Hurley", to see if they can be  reproduced for the next  issue of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" periodical - "Flat Caps, Deerstalkers and other headgear".

The next edition is due in the early spring, and will be edited by "Chelsea Dave the Duck", who will assisted by "Bazzer Duck" who will provide an article entitled "Grave digging and coin collecting in the 21st century".

BAZZA DUCK


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

However, returning to "Driver Chard", his ability to sink three pints of real ale has not diminished, so all is not lost, and a full mental recovery may be forthcoming. Therefore all further activity regarding the proposed plebiscite is to be postponed until further notice.

GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.

GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.

Leopold Grolzch was a part time candelabra buffer from a small village on the outskirts of Leipzig.

He was an only child of an unholy union between a defrocked priest and the village hag. 

He had led a lonely childhood, as when he was only eight years old his mother was drowned at the local Ducking Stool by the county “witch finder general”, and his father excommunicated and exiled from the Bishopric after an unsavoury encounter with the Mayors daughters involving an unnaturally tight pair of lederhosen, a piglet and a felt pork pie hat.  

At an early age he was placed in the care of the local monastery and in particular a Franciscan friar named  Heinrich  Hasselhoff. The Monk was a seven foot giant with a pale complexion and a complicated habit of sneezing whenever  he came in to contact with another human being. However, by a strange coincidence he was immune to young Leopold Grolzch and for this reason was very fond of the child.

 Leopold was allowed to roam freely about the monastic buildings that sheltered him, and was amazed by the monastic collection of silverware and Gold that was displayed within the Treasury and adorned the heaving shelves of the chancellery. 

 

In particular he was fascinated by a trio of solid silver candelabra that sat upon the vestry. After close inspection the young Leopold noticed a small blemish on the larger of the candelabra and grabbing his shirt as a duster began to vigorously polish the silver object until it shone with the ferocity of the sun.   This action was noticed by the pallid Heinrich and soon he put him to work buffing and flossing the entire monastic collection of silverware and gold.

Included in these treasures were gilded Gaelic interpretations of the Celtic migration from their original homeland in south western Gaul, impressed upon sheets of velum and embroidered with gold and silver leaf. This evidence being of particular interest due to the continuing belief by scholars that the Celts originated in the region between southern Germany and northern Austria.

Over the following years, the young Leopold grew in to a fine young man with a love of polishing and buffing. However, remembering his roots he was appalled that the treasures he vigorously buffed and polished four times a day were only on display for the religious elite and that the secular populous were unable to gain pleasure from the shining metallic hoard festering within the monastic compound. 

Thus at that moment, Leopold began to hate both the religious bureaucrats that had collected and horded the silver and golden collection, and the priests and monks who tangibly benefited from the luxurious booty available within church and monastic buildings.

 His hatred was further fostered by the memory that his father was a defrocked Priest and that he had violated the young daughter of the town’s Mayor with his tight fitting lederhosen and felt pork pie hat. 

However, he only felt sorrow for the piglet.

Fueled with anger, Leopold Grolzch hunted down his albino  benefactor and strangled him with a pair of lederhosen he had discovered in the Monasteries brewery, and systematically went about murdering the remaining religious occupants of the holy house using a red hot poker and sharpened candelabras, whilst wearing the same lederhosen that had strangled Heinrich, and a Felt pork pie hat soaked in pigs blood. 

With the incumbents of the monastic house now slain, Leopold strode purposely from the building and mounting the largest available Porker trotted to the village where he encountered the Mayor and Witch finder general.   After a stand-off lasting approximately thirty seconds, the Mayor and Witch finder agreed to abide by a solemn oath that the silverware and gold of the monastic settlements within the jurisdiction of the Bishopric of Leipzig would only be buffed and polished by secular serfs and midget gentiles.

Furthermore, they were not connected to the church via any relative or distant family member, and that religious families and that those taking holy orders would be excluded from such duties until the seventh seal was broken and Armageddon devoured the world's population and destroyed the realms of the earth.

After obtaining this oath, Leopold returned to his village hovel, retaking possession of his hovel  from the village’s present hag and retired to a lonely life of bell buffing, until he died of buffers elbow at the tender age of twenty two.  

Thus was the life of Leopold Grolzch. 

THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH

THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH

Leopold Grolzch was a part time candelabra buffer from Buffenwezal, a small village on the outskirts of Leipzig.

He was an only child of an unholy union between a defrocked priest and the village hag. 

He had led a lonely and troubled childhood, as when he was only eight years old his mother was drowned at the local Ducking Stool by the regional “Witchfinder General".
At the same time his father was excommunicated and exiled from the Bishopric after an unsavoury encounter with the Mayors daughters, involving an unnaturally tight pair of lederhosen, a piglet and a felt pork pie hat.  

At an early age he was placed in the care of the local monastery and in particular a Franciscan friar named  Heinrich  Hasselhoff.

The Monk was a seven foot giant with a pale complexion and a complicated habit of sneezing whenever  he came in to contact with another human being. However, by a strange coincidence he was immune to young Leopold Grolzch and for this reason was very fond of the child.

more to follow.........................

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

An extraordinary find was exposed during a recent archaeological dig at  the "Three and a Half Men" public house in North West London.  

Excavations in the sixteenth century former coaching inn’s basement, have unearthed a soiled pair of undergarments supposedly discarded by “Caratacus”, a first century British chieftain of the Catuvellauni tribe who led the British resistance to the Roman conquest of Britain.

The stained underpants were discovered in a sealed brass container, with a Pig Latin inscription describing the contents as having been discarded by the chieftain after an unfortunate accident whilst imbibing vast quantities of honeyed Meade at a Catuvellauni camp site adjacent to the present location of the public house.     

Also enclosed with the soiled garments was an ivory drinking horn made of Boars tusk, and a deer skin flat cap inscribed in Brythonic with the name Caratacus and a line drawing of his flaccid membership.  

The project to explore the basement and cellar of the "Three and a Half Men" was headed by Professor Hillary Hildegarde Chard, a distant relation of Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society. 

Driver Chard had obtained funding for the dig by selling his collection of antique black and white editions of “Lady boy Frolics”, old Fulham FC programmes, and donating his body to science for the advancement of scalp therapy and hair replacement theory.

The Dig was headed by “Barry the Gravedigger” who advanced his services for no more than a daily allowance of three pints of lager and a packet of crisps, with the occasional free go on the Golf machine. He was ably assisted by failed ladies’ man and part time refuge collector “Sick note Ray the Dust”, the diminutive” little legs Parkes”, the pint sized overweight “Pepe Le Puke” and ex-military hard man and sexologist “Basher Hurley”.

Driver Chard main objective was to uncover the fabled lost tunnel that connected the "Three and a Half Men" with the near bye restaurant and Bar, located a couple of hundred meters away at the base of the adjacent steep hill.

This tunnel was also believed to be interconnected with the allegedly previously discovered tunnel running between the pubs and Bentley Priory, home of RAF "Fighter Command" during the Battle of Britain during World War 2.

Returning to the soiled undergarments bequeathed by Caratacus, local antiquarian “ Loafington Smythe”, believes that they are associated with the Roman encampment located at nearby Brockley Hill, where it is known that British tribal forces, led by Queen Boadicea, pursued the Roman Legions after the sacking of Colchester and London, prior to advancing to St Albans and the further destruction of Roman property and settlements.

It has been postulated by Professor "Loafington  Smythe", that after an earlier skirmish at Brockley Hill preceding the  Boadicean  revolt, Caratacus and a few of his cohorts escaped across the hilly ridge that now separates Hertfordshire from what was to become Middlesex, and found  refuge in a hovel that stood adjacent to an encampment, and located where the "Three and a Half Men" now stands.  Having reached the relative safety of the encampment they began to drink copious amounts of alcohol until they passed out soiling their undergarments as the strain of battle descended in to the oblivion of deep drink induced slumber. 

The other Britons under garments being of inferior quality quickly rotted in to oblivion, but the pants of Caratacus, being a gift from Boadicea, were of sufficient quality to survive until  found by a roving Monk during the middle ages who stored them in a brass box for posterity, and revered them as a religious relic. 

The Monk went on to found a Monastic brewery that eventually developed in to the present Public House and the revered relic remained interred in the basement / cellar until unearthed by the intrepid expedition by the Duck Flat Cap Society.

More details to be released in due course when Carbon Dating has provided a definitive date for the soiling of the Pants.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020