RAY THE DUST IN CLIMATE CHANGE OUTRAGE

                                 RAY THE DUST IN CLIMATE CHANGE OUTRAGE

Ex-part-time refuse collector and failed karaoke singer, Ray the Dust, has outraged society by alleging that Global warming is not taking place, and that the recent severe global weather has been caused by an increase in flatulence and "following through", in the third world.

Ray the Dust’s statement was made after receiving confirmation that his employers have finally won their legal battle to dismiss him from his position as a part time refuse collector, due to his continued use of Rohipnal and  other drugs to combat his rapid onset of Mad Albert disease and non-ferrous erectile dysfunction.

The failed womaniser and ladies’ man originally picked up a taste for Rohipnal when he was a regular member of the seedy karaoke circuit, was often picked up by gay crooners who would administer the class one drug to the Dusts alcoholic beverage before taking advantage of his overweight carcass in the filthy club toilets used as changing rooms. Indeed, his later narcolepsy is a medical throwback to his dependence on the date rape drug. 

On a recent visit to Spain, a sloth like Ray the Dust noticed a number of articles in old copies of Sunday supplements and immediately ranted that the third worlds over indulgence in the eating of spicy foods was the prime reason for recent wild fluctuations in the world’s climate. Indeed, he further proposed hat “El Nino” should now be known as “El Farto” due to the increase in methane released in to the atmosphere due to farting peasants and farmers throughout the third word and in particular Barrow in Furness.

Northern agitator and ex school master, Dave the Teach, has expressed his disdain for the elephantine ex refuse truck drivers comments, and has stated that in view of his slander of Barrow In Furness, he will ensure that the Dust will never again sing in the clubs and bars of the north, including Cumbria, Lancashire and the Borders. However, in view of his hatred of Yorkshire, the Dust will not be blacklisted in that shire.

In view of the above, the "Karaoke and Methane" sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap society are to debate theses matters at the forthcoming Xmas dinner and orgy, and will invite the ailing and infirm former President and Chairman, Driver Chard of El Duiff to preside at the proceedings.

Further details in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

MAD PAT - FLU VICTIM

Leaked reports allegedly emanating from the "Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology" state that a highly virulent strain of flu has been identified in North West London and the surrounding hinterland of Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire.

The strain has allegedly been named "Bohemian Flu" due to its first victims being members of The "Bohemian League of Gentlemen", a secret society who are sworn to secrecy but are known to inhabit various public house located near to the stations of the Metropolitan Line, part of the London Underground railway system.

The strain is known to attack the central nervous system of its victims and eventually works its way to the frontal lobe of the brain. It then secretes hormones that attack the neurons that serve the optical, vocal and balance function of the brain.  In this respect it is expeditiously virulent when mixed with alcohol, and its victims can easily be mistaken to be inebriated and strikingly off their heads.

LES - VICTIM OF MAD ALBERT DISEASE

If left untreated it is alleged that its victims will loose all sense of reality and will slowly retreat it to a cocoon like state that closely resembles the final stages of the incurable "Mad Albert Disease".  

Acting on behalf of the Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology, the Duck Flat Cap society have been  instructed by the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG)  to conduct further experiments on their brethren so as to further investigate this debilitating strain of flu, and it is hoped that by studying infected members an effective form of immunisation can be discovered.

RAY THE DUST - LAZYITOUS VICTIM

It is hoped that previous studies in to the incurable disease known as "Mad Albert Syndrome" will assist the medical and imbibing sub-division of the DFCS in finding the cure to this virulent killer.



The sub-section will be headed up by Driver Chard who will be assisted by Ray the Dust who is himself still recovering from a perniciously virulent bout of  "Lazyitous syndrome" combined with minor "Mad Albert Disease".

 If Ray the Dust is unable to assist Driver Chard he will be assisted by Pepe Le Puke, who's soiled underpants were previously proven to be a contagious carrier of Mad Albert Disease, and is therefore inoculated against the most virulent strains of these diseases.

Further reports will be submitted in due course.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

An extraordinary find was exposed during a recent archaeological dig at  the "Three and a Half Men" public house in North West London.  

Excavations in the sixteenth century former coaching inn’s basement, have unearthed a soiled pair of undergarments supposedly discarded by “Caratacus”, a first century British chieftain of the Catuvellauni tribe who led the British resistance to the Roman conquest of Britain.

The stained underpants were discovered in a sealed brass container, with a Pig Latin inscription describing the contents as having been discarded by the chieftain after an unfortunate accident whilst imbibing vast quantities of honeyed Meade at a Catuvellauni camp site adjacent to the present location of the public house.     

Also enclosed with the soiled garments was an ivory drinking horn made of Boars tusk, and a deer skin flat cap inscribed in Brythonic with the name Caratacus and a line drawing of his flaccid membership.  

The project to explore the basement and cellar of the "Three and a Half Men" was headed by Professor Hillary Hildegarde Chard, a distant relation of Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society. 

Driver Chard had obtained funding for the dig by selling his collection of antique black and white editions of “Lady boy Frolics”, old Fulham FC programmes, and donating his body to science for the advancement of scalp therapy and hair replacement theory.

The Dig was headed by “Barry the Gravedigger” who advanced his services for no more than a daily allowance of three pints of lager and a packet of crisps, with the occasional free go on the Golf machine. He was ably assisted by failed ladies’ man and part time refuge collector “Sick note Ray the Dust”, the diminutive” little legs Parkes”, the pint sized overweight “Pepe Le Puke” and ex-military hard man and sexologist “Basher Hurley”.

Driver Chard main objective was to uncover the fabled lost tunnel that connected the "Three and a Half Men" with the near bye restaurant and Bar, located a couple of hundred meters away at the base of the adjacent steep hill.

This tunnel was also believed to be interconnected with the allegedly previously discovered tunnel running between the pubs and Bentley Priory, home of RAF "Fighter Command" during the Battle of Britain during World War 2.

Returning to the soiled undergarments bequeathed by Caratacus, local antiquarian “ Loafington Smythe”, believes that they are associated with the Roman encampment located at nearby Brockley Hill, where it is known that British tribal forces, led by Queen Boadicea, pursued the Roman Legions after the sacking of Colchester and London, prior to advancing to St Albans and the further destruction of Roman property and settlements.

It has been postulated by Professor "Loafington  Smythe", that after an earlier skirmish at Brockley Hill preceding the  Boadicean  revolt, Caratacus and a few of his cohorts escaped across the hilly ridge that now separates Hertfordshire from what was to become Middlesex, and found  refuge in a hovel that stood adjacent to an encampment, and located where the "Three and a Half Men" now stands.  Having reached the relative safety of the encampment they began to drink copious amounts of alcohol until they passed out soiling their undergarments as the strain of battle descended in to the oblivion of deep drink induced slumber. 

The other Britons under garments being of inferior quality quickly rotted in to oblivion, but the pants of Caratacus, being a gift from Boadicea, were of sufficient quality to survive until  found by a roving Monk during the middle ages who stored them in a brass box for posterity, and revered them as a religious relic. 

The Monk went on to found a Monastic brewery that eventually developed in to the present Public House and the revered relic remained interred in the basement / cellar until unearthed by the intrepid expedition by the Duck Flat Cap Society.

More details to be released in due course when Carbon Dating has provided a definitive date for the soiling of the Pants.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY RAY!"

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY RAY!"

Sixty five years ago a large plump baby entered this world crying his beady eyes out and screaming at the maximum volume his infantile lungs would allow.


 It has been alleged by those who wish to remain nameless, that street lighting in the area of his birth failed at the precise moment he  drew his first breath, and that clocks stopped and began to go backwards for thirteen minutes after the birth. 

Indeed, recent research in to the archives of the Croydon and south Surrey Gazette, detail a string of strange events occurring throughout the area of his birth, continuing over a period of thirteen consecutive days. These events culminating withe the destruction by fire, of a brewery located thirteen miles from his birth place, and the death of twelve fireman fighting the blaze with the addition of a further night watchman discovered whilst clearing the rubble from the destroyed building.. 

"Ray the Dust" had entered the world............

RAY THE DUST

The former pub singer, failed Karaoke singer  and  part time Dust cart operative, “Ray the Dust” has previously shocked the Duck Flat Cap Society (D.F.C.S) by revealing previously unknown alleged links to the notorious "Kray Brothers" crime syndicate.

The ageing, overweight somnambulist Lothario, has finally released documentary evidence that links him to a previously unknown crime ring, allegedly headed by the Krays, operating in Croydon and Brighton.

"Ray the Dust" was a key operative in an operation that procured danger money from a string of Wimpy bars, hairdressers and amusement arcades located across southern England.

Furthermore, in an outrageous cannibalistic attack on an old aged pensioner, "Ray the Dust" recently sank his putrid teeth in to the hind quarters of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" in full view of the clientele of the North West London public house.  

The former pub singer and delusional ladies man, Ray the Dust, also outraged fellow Duck Flat Cap Society members last year, by revealing his affinity with Beelzebub, otherwise known as the prince of darkness, the fallen angel, or the Devil.

The ageing somnambulist and part time garbage operative, has also been outspoken in his belief that British society is suffering from "following the path of righteousness", and that he believes the only way out of the world's current mess is to "follow the dark path of Diablo, the prince of darkness". 

He has also taken to wearing his Man United football shirt on a regular basis and constantly strokes the red devil emblem stitched to the red jersey. His hand movements are troublesome to those in his presence, as he also continues to rub his head and pat his rotund stomach between stroking the demonic emblem.

This behaviour was thought to be just a further nervous tick that the overweight failed karaoke singer and compulsive gambler had picked up is constant and regular visits to the Costa Del crime and Croydon, although the general consensuses is that his deranged state  is due to his life long link to the supernatural . 

The above finally being eclipsed by Professor Buffenschmite of the Charlottenburg and  Potsdam Institute of the Criminally insane, having been commissioned by the Procrastination and Imbibing  subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, diagnosing Ray the Dust as clinically insane.

After many months of study,Professor Buffenschmite has ruled that the Dust has severe “Mad Albert Disease” coupled with high level “Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy”.

In view of the above, Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has expediently suspended the membership of Ray the Dust and all those known to be closely associated with him, including Micky "Good  boy" Ince and Pepe Le Puke. 

Further updates regarding full expulsion from the society will be published in due course.  

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

RAY THE DUST IN PSYCHOPATH DIAGNOSIS

RAY THE DUST IN PSYCHOPATH DIAGNOSIS

Professor Buffenschmite of the Charlottenburg and  Potsdam Institute of the Criminally insane, having been commissioned by the Procrastination and Imbibing  subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has diagnosed Ray the Dust as clinically insane.

After many months of study, he has ruled that the Dust has severe “Mad Albert Disease” coupled with high level “Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy”.

Recent events on the Costa Del Crime have confirmed the professors diagnosis, with the failed karaoke singer and part time refuse collector “Ray the Dust”, threatening to kill bar staff who refused to  acknowledge his extensive biomass immediately.

This threat would then be followed up by the dust shutting his eyes and snoring as his befuddled brain lapses in to an unconscious state.

 On more than one occasion a white handkerchief was also placed on his head prior to unconsciousness.

On other occasions, Ray the Dust would be found in the local KFC with a bucket of fried chicken on his head, having previously attempted to sing Mustang Sally using a coffee cup as a microphone, whilst standing completely stark naked, except for a Cowboy Boot on his left foot. 

The rare combination of Mad Albert Disease and Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy (HSE) has previously been diagnosed in Ulan Bator and Kinshasa, but never in Europe or the America’s.   

Driver Chard, acting President and Chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society has acted swiftly in suspending Ray the Dusts membership, and the ruling council are currently discussing a permanent ban.  

The council of deputies are also currently debating the possibility that Pepe Le Puke and Little Legs Parks have also contracted the debilitating pathogen and their continued membership is to be subject to rigorous medical examination, to be conducted by Master Sergeant Basher Hurley.

Ex Military Hard Man and sexologist Basher Hurley qualifies for this onerous task due to his medical first aid certificate obtained whilst studying tactical manoeuvres at the Hinckley Point School of Farting, Coprolalia and Tourette’s syndrome.

His medical skills having already been established when previously bringing Driver Chard back from the Dead during the unfortunate “Gamp and Suspender incident” at the recent summer solstice, and the never to be forgotten “Disabled toilet manoeuvre” of   2011.

The source of the "Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy” is believed to have been  a soiled pair of Pepe Le Pukes under garments that were lent to Ray the Dust when he had an unfortunate follow through after a large breakfast on the way to the waste disposal site in Ruislip. With regards the Mad Albert Disease" pockets of the pathogen have been prevalent in the locality ever since Little Legs Parks had a mild bout in 2011.

Professor Buffenschmite believes the individual strains of H.S.A and M.A.D converged in to the deadly concoction that currently debilitates Ray the Dust after a casual meeting between the Dust and Little Legs in a Benidorm Gay bar, after the Dust had already become infected with H.S.A via Pepe Le Pukes soiled under pants. 

Further details will be released in due course. 

MAJOR “RAY THE DUST” IN INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION GIG

MAJOR “RAY THE DUST” IN INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION GIG

Overweight failed karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative, Ray the Dust, has shocked the membership of the Duck Flat Cap Society by claiming that he is to record a version of “Mustang Sally” aboard the International Space Station.

The Dust claims that he will be assisted in this outrageous enterprise by his fellow dust cart side kick, “Pepe Sick Note Le Puke” and their corpulent companion “Good Boy Ince”.

The sad trio are currently preparing for their forthcoming adventure by bulking up on their weight and body fluids to ensure that they compensate for the weightless gravity of the space station.

Although believed to have retired from the seedy back room karaoke circuit, Ray the Dust has divulged to the Consumption and Aeronautical subcommittee of the DFCS that he has been secretly training for this event whilst recuperating from his latest bout of occupational “Stress” brought on by working for an indulgent and strenuous five consecutive days, by sunning his overweight lard arse on the Costa del Dust.

It is thought that having repaired his relationship with Sticky Vicky, the Dust has been slipping in to the bars and clubs of Benidorm, and sharing the stage with the septuagenarian temptress.

It is not known whether the would be astronauts have successfully secured their passage on the I.S.S, but Ray the Dust is adamant that a Kazakhstan businessman he met in Benidorm will smooth the way to their berths in the Russian Launch vehicle for the down payment of £5,000 and a copy of their forthcoming "You Tube" release, DVD,  CD , free downloading rights, and 10 minutes private access to Pepe Le Puke, a tub of lard and a pair of cucumbers.

The Duck Flat Cap Society is to monitor the progress of this outrageous scheme and will report further in due course.