THE MERCURIAL MIGHT OF MADAME METHANE

THE MERCURIAL MIGHT OF MADAME METHANE

Madame Methane loved to fart!

A daily diet of flatulent loaded foods ensured that she was able tootle her back-burner to her hearts content with a constant supply of gut wrenching methane exploding from her bulbous rear end.

As she trudged along the street on her way to purchase more methane kindling, she left a yellowish green fug behind her, and a slimy residue would stick to any unfortunate seat she decided to shimmy her humongous arse upon.

As a child she soon learnt that although her puke inflicting habit ensured she had no friends, she was well endowed with sufficient gas power to inflict a crushing victory over anyone stupid enough to cross her stinking path.

She was expelled from school due to her capacity to empty the classroom with one terrific guff, and had never held down paid employment for more than a day. Indeed, on her first day as a cleaner at a sewage plant, she was dismissed for setting of the plants methane alarms each time she passed the unfortunate mechanism's.

Having realised that her petulant flatulence  could be her passport to wealth, she soon set up a network of terrified shopkeepers, publicans and hotel managers who would pay her a considerable sum of money to stay away or vacate their premises thus preventing her from evacuating her stinking bowel and alimentary canal and exploding foul air throughout their premises.

After a few years she had amassed a huge amount of flatulence protection money and retired to a bijou residence down wind of  Darjeeling, adjacent to a combined sewage farm and sulphur works.

Her luxurious retirement was however rudely ended, when after drinking fifteen pints of stout and eating a mixture of Vindaloo curry and a hundred weight of baked beans, she exploded with the force of fifty thousand tons of TNT distributing her entrails across the Darjeeling hinterland.

And that was the end of Madame Methane.................

SLAVERY BACKLASH AT THE DUCK

SLAVERY BACKLASH AT THE DUCK

Driver Chard has astonished the regulars at the Duck In the Pond public house, together with the general membership of the Duck Flat Cap Society, by confessing to keeping numerous slaves in his humble suburban house.

The octogenarian acting chairman and president of the Duck Flat Cap Society has admitted enslaving various unfortunate members of the unsuspecting public over a period of fifty years.

 His initial act of enslavement allegedly took place after a short sighted religious zealot called at his premises attempting to sell old copies of the Watchtower, whilst the furious Driver Chard was listening on the wireless to his favourite football team, Fulham F.C, compete in the FA cup.  Grabbing the bespectacled miscreant by the scruff of his neck, Driver chard threw the unsuspecting bible basher down the steep steps of his cellar dislocating the zealots shoulders and also breaking both his arms and his back.

Forgetting the unfortunate alleged Watchtower peddler for many weeks, due to a combination of Fulham's shameful exit from the cup competition, and an early bout of Mad Albert Disease, Driver Chard eventually discovered the smouldering putrefying mess in his cellar whilst looking for back copies of "Gardeners World" and "Naturist monthly".
 Although barely alive, the crumpled cripple had managed to survive by eating the lower section of his right arm and licking water from an air vent that had developed a leak due to poor pointing.

 Knowing that he would be incarcerated by the police if he revealed the occupant of his cellar to the authorities, Driver Chard decided that the only option was to keep the reluctant God peddler as his prisoner. Driver Chard soon realised that he could use his unfortunate guest to his advantage by exchanging clothing and rudimentary toiletries for his crippled slaves labour.  Chard soon went about creating a system of pulleys and levers so that the electricity required to power the household lighting and electric goods could be supplied via a generator linked to a treadmill in the cellar.

Over the years it soon became apparent that further man power was required to ensure sufficient power was generated to run the increasing number of electrical goods and services consumed by the Chard household. With this in mind, Driver Chard continued to procure further slaves via his links with the sinister Maharaja - Sheik Mahat Mahcoat Hook, an oriental carpet fitter with links to Zanzibar, Lambeth, Warsaw, Cricklewood and Pemba. 

Before long his basement had been excavated to ensure that numerous downtrodden, half starved, eastern European, welsh, Geordie, cockney and far eastern religious zealots could propel an enlarged treadmill thus generating sufficient AC/DC for all the electrical gadgets Driver Chard could assemble in his three bed semi detached dwelling.

After his confession, Driver Chard has had his Presidency and Chairmanship of the Duck Flat Cap society suspended, with all his Tablet computers and electrical gadgets confiscated, until the full "slavery, electrical engineering and imbibing" sub-committee of the society have debated this sorry tale of debauchery and enslavement.

In the meantime his menagerie of eastern slavery will continue to reside at his premises until proof of identity can be provided, together with evidence of sufficient income to support their return to their original place of transit.

Further details will be published in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

  

COMMIE "LITTLE LEGS" PARKS IN MAYORAL CLASH WITH DRIVER CHARD

COMMIE "LITTLE LEGS" PARKS IN MAYORAL CLASH WITH DRIVER CHARD

COMMIE "LITTLE LEGS" PARKS

Diminutive plumber and part time lumberjack, Littler Legs Parks, has caused an outrage in the quiet gentrified suburbs of North West London, by challenging Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting President and Chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, for the office of Mayor.

The office of  "Mayor and Alderman of Middlesex" has been empty for over a hundred years due to the gradual absorption of the "Middle Saxon" county of Middlesex in to the metropolis of Greater London.

Recent events throughout Great Britain regarding political devolution to the various regions of the UK, have resulted in the re establishment of the post of  "Mayor and Alderman of Middlesex", and Driver Chard was believed to be the favourite candidate for the post.


However, Little Legs Parks has shocked the local electorate by revealing his candidacy as a fully paid up member of the Independent Communist Party of Rayner's Lane and Middlesex (ICPRLM).

 This recently created outpost of alleged Marxist, Turdoxian and Maoist opinion, has manifested itself throughout the suburban hinterland of the former fabled "Metroland", due to increased immigration, emigration and in particular, a massive influx of Eastern Europeans from former communist countries.

These peoples having settled here believing in the myth of an easy living under the UK's social benefit system, have discovered the reality of living in a crippled state, and now long for the former protection afforded by their former communist masters.

 Little Legs Parks has listened to these Eastern migrants as he employs them on sub minimum wages, whist attending to the damaged water pipes and cisterns of there multiple occupancy hovels and sub lets that they inhabit.Using his skills honed  as a minor electoral official under the 1960's socialist Wilson government, he has gathered about him a large electoral college of voters who are willing to place their future in his large calloused and nicotine stained, muscular bear like hands.

It has been proposed that the new post of Mayor and Alderman of Middlesex will enable the Mayor to collect various tithes and benefices from the local populace, in particular will be able to charge an additional Community charge on those households with more than one vehicle (holder of office excluded), more than eight letters in there surname and also those with an income in excess of fifty thousand pounds or property worth in excess of four hundred thousand pounds.

Little Legs Parks has set within his manifesto a promise to redistribute theses funds to the Eastern European plague swarming the forests and open spaces of Middlesex, although he has withheld his true intention to  utilise the funds by establishing a  string of cut price massage parlours and brothels, utilising and specialising in those of a diminutive stature, throughout his constituency.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has sworn to oppose the diminutive plumber and after obtaining details of his plan to operate a string of PORG massage parlours and brothels for people of restricted growth, has avowed to die rather allow the diminutive plinbers parlous plan to succeed. 

A full meeting of the "Mayoral and Alderman" sub section of the Duck Flat Cap Society debating sub committee will take place next Wednesday, when both Driver Chard and Commie "Little Legs Parks" will  put forward their amended manifesto's for approval or dismissal, of a request for a DFCS political donation and continued funding.

Further details will be leaked in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020



 

APOCALYPSE DUCK

APOCALYPSE DUCK

Whilst browsing through an old black and white Egyptian edition of Picture Post, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting President and Chairperson off the Duck Flat Cap Society, noticed and article detailing an archaeological excavation in Megiddo, Palestine.

The article described the uncovering of am elaborately engraved marble manuscript that detailed the destruction of the world by a midget Antichrist in an episode to be known as the Apocalypse.

Intrigued by this article Driver Chard took to his I Pad and was soon searching for entries relating to the destruction of the earth and the end of time, and soon noticed the similarity of the inscription on the marble tablet to that of the christian Bible's"The Book of Revelation".

His further searching soon revealed that the site of the archaeological dig in Megiddo, was also known as Armageddon, which is associated throughout the modern world with the end of time.




Fuelled with this information, Driver Chard went about his urgent business of revealing to the world that he had located the Antichrist in North West London, and that the end of time was immanent.

His fervour further kindled by his belief that Little Legs Parks, an associate member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, was the Antichrist, as revealed by his "666" tattoo located on his left buttock and allegedly repeated on his right testicle.

At a recent meeting of the Duck Flat Cap Society "Revelations and Apocalypse" sub committee, Little legs Parks was cross examined regarding his alleged tattoo's , and after a thorough examination by the societies medic, ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, it was suggested that the alleged markings were a side effect of his long term affliction, previously described as "Mad Albert Disease", but known to history as "St Benedict's Fire", "Repdigit palindromic syndrome" or "the Devils mark".




Faced with this evidence, the sub committee reported that Little Legs Parks was indeed the Antichrist, and immediately had his associated membership revoked and was fined two guineas and a removed from the society Golfing society for eighteen months.
However, "Little Legs Parks" is set to appeal this decision and has employed failed lady's man and karaoke singer "Ray the Dust" to represent him at the appeal hearing.

In view of this decision, Driver Chard has downloaded sufficient software and apps to his Tablet computer so as to enable the disgruntled octogenarian martinet to broadcast regular hourly bulletins across the radio waves of Britain, warning of the impending Apocalypse at the hand of the diminutive plumber "Little Legs Parks".



His hourly rantings are broadcast from his humble home in North West London, and The Duck In the Pond, via an associates Ham radio set and affiliated radio mast. The hourly broadcasts of :

   "Good morning/day/evening/ night  Britain.... the end is nigh, seek and destroy the Antichrist Little Legs Parks.." 

have started to take a grave toll on Driver Chard's health.

He can be seen sat at his usual seat at the DFCS HQ, unshaven and wearing his full Fulham FC football kit, flat cap and furled umbrella at his side, whilst foaming at the mouth and sipping pints of best British bitter.

His face is a constant puce with beads of hot sweat cascading down his deeply creased face. Due to the excessive stress placed upon Driver Chard's attempt to save the world from the Apocalypse, he has agreed to temporarily stand down from his leadership of the Duck Flat Cap Society, and his position has been taken by "Mad Laurence the Drive" who will be assisted in his duties by Dave "Duck" and the Duck Umpalumpas. 

Further details of the "End of Time" will be detailed later..............................unless..........!

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE DUCK HUNTER

THE DUCK HUNTER

 
 Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has astonished the members of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" and in particular the ruling elite of the "Central Council", by claiming that the society was engaged in highly classified "Black projects" in south east Asia during the French Indochina crisis and the Vietnamese war.

The geriatric octogenarian warmonger claims that when he was seconded to the Egyptian secrete service during his military service, he was asked to assist the British , American and Egyptian high command in their top secrete operations to understand Soviet and Chinese intentions in the strategic North East area of Africa.

During these briefings Driver Chard let it be known to the High Command that he was a member of the Duck Flat Cap Society that for scores of years had kept close links with the British military installations located at Bentley Priory and Stanmore Park in Harrow and Wealdstone / Stanmore area of North West London.
 
 RAF Bentley Priory was a non-flying Royal Air Force station near Stanmore in the London Borough of Harrow. It was famous as the headquarters of Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain and the Second World War.
Little known to the public, a series of tunnels and passages linked the Bentley Priory buildings to the nearby Stanmore Park barrage balloon post , where the tunnels were further linked to the Duck In the Pond public house and HQ of the Duck Flat Cap Society.

As previously reported on theses pages Winston Churchill was allegedly known to traverse these dark passages so that he could delight his taste buds with a couple of pints of best British Bitter, via a secure door that opened in to the beer cellar of the Duck In the Pond.

 It was during one of these secretive visits that a young Driver Chard allegedly encountered Winston enjoying a pint of Best whilst drawing on a twelve inch cigar whilst reading the minutes of the last Duck Flat Cap Society "Imbibing, spying and procrastinating" sub committee board meeting. This encounter led to unconfirmed reports that the British Prime Minister becoming a fully paid up member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, although his membership was kept secrete until revealed a number of years ago by Driver Chard.

This link between the D.F.C.S and the  the military was forged ever closer during the final years of world war 2, and the Korean conflict, with agents being supplied to infiltrate the drinking establishments of enemy cities throughout occupied Europe and eventually the far east.  It was via this link that Driver Chard was able to reveal to the various high commands in North Africa that he had the means to enable closer relations with the French by assisting with their operations in Indochina.

The initial response was to  parachute several agents in to Annam and Cochinchine, who were strategically trained to be able to consume a minimum of twenty pints of stout, best bitter or larger at a sitting.

 Due to the French influence in the areas being infiltrated,  particular brands of French larger had been mad available to the agents to ensure that excess gas intake would not detour them from there intended mission of debilitating the imbibing military elite of the targeted areas by engaging in prolonged bouts of boozing with targeted officers.

Operations were successful during the French engagement but as history shows, there general military weakness and ineffective government eventually led to the French evacuation of Indochina and the establishment of individual states.  

In time the USA intervened in the area to try and stop a domino effect of increasing Communist control, as the Chinese equipped Viet Cong and others, tried to overthrow the legitimate governmental successors to French Colonial rule.  As the American involvement grew, so did the undercover operations of the Duck Flat Cap society, with new operatives being dropped in to strategic military positions, especially those to be targeted for Napalm attacks.

The agents were also specially trained in the subtle art of "Russian Roulette", although it s true to recount that a number of operatives were lost after an unfortunate indecent at the training base in  Bisley, when brandy was substituted for best bitter in a back room game of "Chicken".

Operations continued for a number of years, but during the late 1960's the availability of agents began to drop off, as the need for alcohol petered out among younger recruits to the D.F.C.S, mainly due to the uptake of marijuana and a clamp down of drinking and driving leading to less clientele at the  pubs and bars of England.

Eventually, the Ruling Council of the "Military and Procrastinating" sub committee decided to withdraw from Vietnam, and if you view the news footage of the last helicopter escaping from  Saigon, you can just make out the portly figure of  agent "Dust" forcing his way to safety.

Further details will be posted after Driver Chard has recovered from his latest bout of Mad Albert disease.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

"BABEL BABBLE" ZOMBIE CONTAGION - DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TO TAKE ACTION AS AFFLICTION INFLICTS LONDON

"BABEL BABBLE" ZOMBIE CONTAGION  - DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TO TAKE ACTION AS AFFLICTION INFLICTS LONDON

  
A debilitating affliction is currently sweeping London and other English metropolitan areas, and is particularly effecting the large proportion of those who choose to travel by public transport.

It seems to mainly attack those who are not of an Anglo Saxon or Celtic ethnic background, although ethnic British may not be excluded in totality, and consists of an overwhelming need to shout loudly and hurriedly in to a Mobile telephone using a language that is unfamiliar to those who are native to these Islands, whilst wildly gesticulating with outstretched arms and waving hands, and occasionally gurgling, spitting and clucking.




It usually manifests itself on the upper levels of London Transport buses and can continue for at least 20 minutes without interruption. It also seems to effect the bodily functions of those afflicted as arms and heads are often seen to wave around in a Zombie like uncontrolled manor, whilst the mobile babble continues in in full uninterrupted flow.
  
A severe attack can render the vocal tracts of an offender unusable and result in a frustrated growl and hiss occasionally interposed with sounds that sound suspiciously like "innit" and "hesaid shesaid".

However, none of these outbursts have been scientifically proven, and may just be excessive wind evacuating the bodies of those attempting to communicate their thoughts to the unfortunate initiator or receiver of the call. 

Driver Chard , acting Chairman and Life President of the Duck Flat Cap Society has formed a select subcommittee to investigate the confusing babble inflicting the capitals transport system under the code name "Operation Chaucer",  and has appointed ex military hard man and sexologist "Basher Hurley" to command expeditions in to the hinterland of London Transport and Network Rail.

 It is the belief of the aging Chairman and President, that this infliction is the result of a pestilence released by agents of the French and German equivalents of the CIA and MI5, in an attempt to pursued the British public to canvass for closer political and financial Union with the EU. He is unable to give a solid reason for his beliefs , but is sure that the countries traditional enemies are bound to be behind the debilitating, although occasionally titillating, explosion of baffling sounds on the nations transport systems. 

Basher Hurley will be assisted in his commando raids by failed karaoke singer and part time Dust Cart operative "Ray the Dust" and the diminutive "Little Legs Parks" who is tasked with infiltrating rush hour transport dressed as a school child, so as to monitor playground gibberish in an attempt to cut it out the incomprehensible babel at source, if indeed it is not caused by a pestilence unleashed by agents of the EU.

Green-keeper "Bazzer Barry" will also accompany the commandos so as to discount and dismiss any inclusion of incomprehensible "Cockney" speech, from the groups written reports of "Babel babble" that will be eventually submitted to Driver Chard and the "Operation Chaucer" Sub Committee .

So,if traveling on a London Transport Omnibus or indeed the Underground Tube, please do not become annoyed or upset by the cacophony of speech spilling from the pathological lips of the afflicted, but feel sorry for them, turn away, count to ten,and and count yourself lucky that you have not fallen foul of this cruel and debilitating disease.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT 2013

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT 2013

Kram Toille was tired.

He had arisen early that morning to go fishing and had travelled a long way for that enjoyable experience.The modern car made the journey relatively simple, although the traffic was at times frustrating.

Returning in the evening, and on reaching his comfy suburban home, he had quickly bathed and after checking his E Mails, watching television with his partner and eating his dinner, had fallen asleep in the armchair.

He awoke with a start at approximately 4.30am in the morning, the room was dark and strangely unfamiliar. A strange mouldy smell enveloped his nostrils and he strained to view the dark room ahead of him. Both hands pushed down on the arms of the chair so as to propel his body on to his tired legs.

Immediately he noticed that the arms of the chair were unusually cold and hard, rather than the expected cushioned warmth of the modern upholstering.

Startled, he ran his hands back across the arms only to be shocked that they were fashioned from cold, hard wood!.

His eyes started to adjust to the lack of light and he was drawn towards a flickering image to the end of the room.

Unsure if he was dreaming, he stumbled towards the light source and quickly noticed that it was the remains of a candle that had just about extinguished its supply of wax, and was about to go out.

Kram Toille frantically searched for the rooms walls and electric light switch, so that he could reveal the contents of the room.
However this was to no avail, and after stumbling about running his sweaty hands along the walls, he reached a rough curtain that he hoped covered a small window or opening in the wall.  

  

He pulled the curtain aside to reveal a truly unbelievable vista.
In the far distance the sun was starting to rise against horizon of gently rolling hill covered in deciduous forest.

    
He closed his eyes and blinked. 

What was going on !!!!

Kram Toille was born in 1959 and lived in a 1930's semi detached house, on a suburban road in “Betjeman’s” celebrated metro land.

The nearest countryside was a couple of miles away, but there in front of him was a truly rural landscape.

In the near distance was an old thatched cottage with a cottage garden surrounding the building. Next to this property were a farm house and an old barn, with its doors open revealing bundles of hay strewn about the building.

Other rural buildings were dotted about the scenery, although the majority of Krams view was that of idyllic countryside.

  

Kram rubbed his eyes and turned round to view the room with the benefit of the sunlight starting to enter the premises through the small windows. He was staggered to view the contents of the room which reminded him of a vintage Victorian photograph published in a historical magazine.

The floors of the room were wooden with a small rug in front of the open fireplace. A small wooden chair was at angle beside the hearth, and the chair that Kram had earlier risen from was on the opposite side of the fire.

The walls were covered in simple hessian wallpaper, and a sepia photograph of Queen Victoria, and her extended family hung above the fire place. 

Pushed up against the wall were a small wooden table and two simple stools. The table was uncovered, apart from a small Bible which had a leather book mark wedged in to its pages.

On the floor next to the table was small copper coin and Kram stretched down to pick it up. Having recovered the coin he quickly noticed that it was a gleaming new Victorian penny, with a portrait of Queen Victoria on the reverse and the date 1870 stamped on the base.

Kram stared at the coin and was amazed at its quality. He had collected coins as a child and had indeed owned many old Victorian pennies. However, he had never seen one in such fine condition. He quickly placed the coin in his pocket and continued to scan the room.

Kram’s head was spinning as he quickly motioned towards the door so as if to escape from this hopefully imagined nightmare. As he passed through the opening he slipped and fell hard, smashing his head against the cold wooden flooring in the hallway.

All was quite as Kram lay there, his breath easing to a gentle intake of musty damp air, and his eyes tightly shut.

Kram awoke some three hours later with thumping headache, and the thought of his Victorian odyssey flooding through his terrified brain.

He slowly opened his eyes expecting to see the floor and walls of the dingy building that he had slipped and fell in some hours earlier, but was amazed to see familiar furnishings in his own hallway. He quickly rose from the ground and opened the front door.

His head thrust through the open portal and he was greeted with the familiar view of his normal suburban surroundings, the cars parked in the street, the post box at the end of the road, and his neighbour’s cat strolling across his front garden. 

Completely bamboozled, Kram moved to his kitchen, switched the electric kettle on and sat on a wooden stool. He strained his memory trying to remember the events that had earlier befallen him, and he soon dismissed the complete episode as a strange, but very vivid dream. 

As he sat on the stool his nose began to run and he placed his hand in to his trouser pocket to retrieve a tissue. His hand entered his pocket and immediately touched a cold small object.

His hands quickly retrieved the object and Kram shivered in disbelief as he held a brand new, mint condition 1870 Victorian penny in his hand. 


To be continued...….

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CLAIM ROCKS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CLAIM ROCKS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Klaus Von Jhugffieler of "The Martin Bormann school of Mastication and spoon bending" has astounded the Duck Flat Cap Society by claiming that he has documentary evidence that implicates Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif in the assassination of President Kennedy.

The documents allegedly confirm that on November 22nd 1963 Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, was located at the book depository on the corner at Dealey Plaza.

The documents had allegedly been hidden within a large volume of witness statements and unpublished photographs held by the former KGB and stored within the Kremlin archives in Moscow. The documents were originally collected by undercover soviet agents who were present at the time of the assassination posing as traffic police, tourists and caretakers at the book depository.

The alleged statements contained within the faded documentation, talk of a short stout  man, aged approximately 30 and prematurely greying, acting strangely at the side entrance to the depository and appearing to take notes with a stubby HB pencil in a shiny new Woolworth's herald square notebook. 

Further more, he spoke with an English accent, and smoked British branded unfiltered cigarettes, whilst whistling God save the Queen.


The man was dressed in baggy flannel trousers and a loose fitting checked sports jacket, that reportedly had the stock of a semi automatic rifle sticking out of it.  

The jacket was specifically remembered by Howard Howie Hughes Junior the 3rd, who described the breast pocket being emblazoned with the name "Chard" and the initial "F.F.C" being the initials of Fulham Football Club, Driver Chard's beloved English soccer team. 

The witness continues that after striking up a conversation with the  English gent , they began to discuss the grassy knoll across the road from their position and the little fence that ran across the area adjacent to and behind the greenery. 

The discussion quickly moved to Golf, with the Englishman trying to guess the distance from the road to the fence by the grassy knoll, as if assessing a nine iron chip on to the green.  After a couple of minutes they agreed on a distance and the information was quickly scribbled in to the note book. 

A further witness,named in the documents as Leroy Fur-burger Senior, states that the very same gentleman placed his trilby upon his thick head of hair and crossed the road before settling on the grassy knoll to eat a marmite sandwich.

 He then remembers that with some amazing agility, the man vaulted over the picket fence using the "Western Roll" and stood with his head peering back over the fence towards the road and book depository.

 He could reveal no more as he was asked to move by a state trooper as the presidents cavalcade was approaching.  However, as history sadly reveals, within minutes the President of the USA was dead and the mystery of those who shot him had started.  

At a recent meeting of the "Assassination and Procrastinating" subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the evidence of Driver Chard's implication in the greatest and most debated and mysterious murder of the 20th century were put to him by Dave the Teach and Dave the Duck.

Upon hearing the accusations, Driver Chard revealed that indeed he was at Dealy Plaza at the time if the assassination, but that he couldn't remember if he was involved in the plot due to a recent bout of gout, originally contracted from a camel in the Egyptian desert during National Service with the British Armed Forces, and continued biliousness brought on by repeated quaffing of best British bitter and the consumption of  three hundred pounds of out of date potato snacks. 

After considerable debate, it was agreed to "pay off" Klaus Von Jhugffieler of "The Martin Bormann school of Mastication and spoon bending" with a Duck Flat Cap Society pension and destroy the evidence recently unearthed in the Kremlin's archives.

In this respect, any attempt to use this article as evidence against the societies revered acting President and Chairman will prove pointless, as all the evidence has been consumed by Ray the Dust and Pepe Le Puke, who are bulking up for this years world "Sumo wrestling" championships. 

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020 

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY RAY!"

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY RAY!"

Sixty five years ago a large plump baby entered this world crying his beady eyes out and screaming at the maximum volume his infantile lungs would allow.


 It has been alleged by those who wish to remain nameless, that street lighting in the area of his birth failed at the precise moment he  drew his first breath, and that clocks stopped and began to go backwards for thirteen minutes after the birth. 

Indeed, recent research in to the archives of the Croydon and south Surrey Gazette, detail a string of strange events occurring throughout the area of his birth, continuing over a period of thirteen consecutive days. These events culminating withe the destruction by fire, of a brewery located thirteen miles from his birth place, and the death of twelve fireman fighting the blaze with the addition of a further night watchman discovered whilst clearing the rubble from the destroyed building.. 

"Ray the Dust" had entered the world............

RAY THE DUST

The former pub singer, failed Karaoke singer  and  part time Dust cart operative, “Ray the Dust” has previously shocked the Duck Flat Cap Society (D.F.C.S) by revealing previously unknown alleged links to the notorious "Kray Brothers" crime syndicate.

The ageing, overweight somnambulist Lothario, has finally released documentary evidence that links him to a previously unknown crime ring, allegedly headed by the Krays, operating in Croydon and Brighton.

"Ray the Dust" was a key operative in an operation that procured danger money from a string of Wimpy bars, hairdressers and amusement arcades located across southern England.

Furthermore, in an outrageous cannibalistic attack on an old aged pensioner, "Ray the Dust" recently sank his putrid teeth in to the hind quarters of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" in full view of the clientele of the North West London public house.  

The former pub singer and delusional ladies man, Ray the Dust, also outraged fellow Duck Flat Cap Society members last year, by revealing his affinity with Beelzebub, otherwise known as the prince of darkness, the fallen angel, or the Devil.

The ageing somnambulist and part time garbage operative, has also been outspoken in his belief that British society is suffering from "following the path of righteousness", and that he believes the only way out of the world's current mess is to "follow the dark path of Diablo, the prince of darkness". 

He has also taken to wearing his Man United football shirt on a regular basis and constantly strokes the red devil emblem stitched to the red jersey. His hand movements are troublesome to those in his presence, as he also continues to rub his head and pat his rotund stomach between stroking the demonic emblem.

This behaviour was thought to be just a further nervous tick that the overweight failed karaoke singer and compulsive gambler had picked up is constant and regular visits to the Costa Del crime and Croydon, although the general consensuses is that his deranged state  is due to his life long link to the supernatural . 

The above finally being eclipsed by Professor Buffenschmite of the Charlottenburg and  Potsdam Institute of the Criminally insane, having been commissioned by the Procrastination and Imbibing  subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, diagnosing Ray the Dust as clinically insane.

After many months of study,Professor Buffenschmite has ruled that the Dust has severe “Mad Albert Disease” coupled with high level “Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy”.

In view of the above, Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has expediently suspended the membership of Ray the Dust and all those known to be closely associated with him, including Micky "Good  boy" Ince and Pepe Le Puke. 

Further updates regarding full expulsion from the society will be published in due course.  

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

THE WAR OF CHARD'S EAR

THE WAR OF CHARD'S EAR

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society (D.F.C.S), has sensationally declared war on Spain over the present dispute with Gibraltar.

Driver Chard sites provocation going back to the War of Jenkins ear and the subsequent War of the Austrian succession. Driver Chard claiming direct ancestry on his mothers side to Captain Jenkins, whose severed ear gave rise to the name of the war bearing his name.

Driver Chard further claims that on his last trip to the Iberian peninsular an over enthusiastic passport officer at the port of Malaga, tried to severe his ear after an altercation concerning an illegal package of snuff, a whip made from a camels tail, and an old copy of the Spectator ridiculing General Franco.

After protracted discussions, and in his duel role as the acting joint chief of staff, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has allegedly authorised the departure of a military naval and airborne task force to convey a detachment of D.F.C.S and BLOG volunteers to the Mediterranean outpost of British colonial rule.

The joint task force will again be receiving support from various affiliates, including the “Ecky Thump Brigade” based in north western England. This affiliate continues to be headed by the strong minded ex Teacher. “Dave the Teach”, and will be supporting the joint task force by sending a number of war hardened ex military hard-men, trained by his compatriot sexologist and triple heart bypass survivor, Basher “Rasta man” Hurley.

A recently intercepted dispatch from GCHQ allegedly stipulates that the joint military venture has been sanctioned by the British Government, the UN and NATO. This is yet to have been verified by an official release, although unconfirmed additional intercepted ciphers from the State intelligence services of numerous former Cold War enemy’s of the west, allegedly confirm the legitimacy of the reports. 

At the North London base of the joint command, Driver Chard has additionally assumed the rank's of Admiral and Field Marshall, and has donned the appropriate uniform at recent meetings, which he has adorned with medals from his previous military service in Egypt, Wealdstone and North Africa.

He will off course continue to wear his Fulham FC shirt, shorts and socks and suspenders under his uniform, and place a whistle between his cracked lips in case of an infringement during the committee meeting.

 However, he has denied access to military uniforms for the remainder of the high command as he feels that this will undermine his authority. He will however, allow the wearing of standard issue flat caps and if requested a fully functional Deerstalker will be tolerated.
Pork pie hats together with any form of Russian or eastern European winter gear will not be allowed at any cost, together with any form of sombrero.

This is to be challenged at an eminent meeting of the full Duck Flat Cap and BLOG military invasion and occupation sub committee, which is to be attended by all personnel. In this respect, Basher Hurley has informed the high command that he is to seek special privileges and wear the uniform of the SAS in view of his previous brief spell as a latrine cleaner when sharing accommodation in Naples, Italy.

It is of a more disturbing note that as with the previous expedition to the Falkland Islands, Pepe le Puke and Ray the Dust have informed various cohorts that they are to seek permission to wear the uniform of the Nazi Waffen SS, as they are drawn to the high decorative detail of the epaulets and cuffs, and are divinely in love with the dagger and death head motifs.       

In addition to the D.F.C.S faction within the alliance, The Bohemian League of Gentleman have also been debating how best to support the action from their home base in Metroland.

 Unlike the D.F.C.S, there has been no problem with a uniform for the BLOG defence Corp, as they were unanimous in agreeing to re use the orange and purple fatigues, utility belt and thigh high rubber Doctor Martins used in the earlier campaign to relieve the Falklands.. As before, in addition an 18 inch rubber truncheon is worn down the front of the trousers at all times. 

The groups special representative for political and metaphysical affairs, "Lord Louis Loafington Smythe – Barron", has been in the forefront with regards to home security, and has arranged for a fully mechanised Camel division to be on standby at all times.

 This magnificent effort has been supported by the "Mossenelle" who in his capacity as an ex East German spy has been in the forefront in arranging the deciphering of the encrypted messages detailed earlier in this report.

Indeed together with Boozy Creed, the Italian Stallion, Chairman Get Karter and the Big Marty Blainster, the Mosenelle has formed a deep relationship with the intelligence unit attached to the D.F.C.S, and previous work on the Big Bobbidy Bob affair and the earlier joint D.F.C.S and Bohemian advance to relieve the Falkland Islands, has meant that deciphering the codes has been an easy task.

 

Indeed, it is believed that the listening station based in Benidorm has already been in receipt of deciphered codes intercepted back in Metroland and the Duck.

As previously during the joint action to save the Falkland Islands,the diminutive Sapper Cox has been excused from this task, as he has been acting a batman and personal aide to Winny WWB Brownoski. 

Brownoski has himself been tasked with creating a spectacular and magnificent marching rhythm for the group to accompany a swift advance through occupied Spanish territory if the Special Forces are required to go behind enemy lines.

 As tension rises, a decision on a strike date is required and a full meeting of the joint heads of staff and their full military command  will be held shortly, after which a full report will be posted here.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

THE ACCIDENTAL TAXIDERMIST

THE ACCIDENTAL TAXIDERMIST

Seth Brown sat at his usual seat in his local pub thinking about the days events.

 Drinking a pint of warm bitter and nibbling on a packet of stale potato crisps, he sighed as he pulled his crumpled note book from his jacket pocket and folded the cover back to reveal a multitude of his wild scribblings.

Only hours earlier, Seth Brown had been standing in the middle of Ma Baker's lower field holding the largest human skull he had ever seen. The white cranium was detached from the rest of the skeleton, and had been uncovered a number of inches below the clinging top soil.


Astonished by his find, he placed his Truffle trowel in to his spacious jacket pocket and knelt on the ground beside the decapitated cranial structure. His pet dog, Pepe, wagged his tale as he pawed at his masters arms, twisting his pink tongue about his snout whilst whimpering for a reward. Seth reached in to his trouser pocket and retrieving a packet of peppermints held his hand out so that Pepe could snaffle up his reward.

The mandible was no longer attached but had laid undisturbed next the the blanched cranium, its muscles and tendons that previously attached the projecting jaw to the rest of the skull long disintegrated. However next to the dismembered bones was a small red wallet that contained little other than a telephone number and an old black and white photograph of a man completing the Western Roll over a high jump hurdle.

Placing the Skull and Mandible in to a plastic bag, Seth returned to his old land-rover and after coaxing Pepe to jump in to the back with another peppermint, drove the short distance to his cottage in the village. After brewing a cup of Yorkshire Tea, Seth placed the white bones on his kitchen table and retrieving the telephone number discovered in the old red wallet, telephoned the number on his old land line- Arnold 3347. 

The phone rang for a number rings and was then answered by a woman exclaiming that the caller had reached the residence of Archibald Galbraith, "Taxidermist to the landed gentry". The caller went on to describe the various services that the Taxidermists offered, and listed a comprehensive list of prices associated with the stuffing and otherwise preserving of  dead creatures, ending with a complex series of  costs for the preservation and presentation by mounting, of a member of the human race.

Seth took his note pad from his jacket pocket and laboriously scribbled down the various price structures dictated by the representative of Archibald Galbraith, "Taxidermist to the landed gentry". The prices were all astronomical and well out of reach of the retired truffle collector, and wiping his brow with an old purple and orange cravat, returned the phone to the receiver, and pushed his glasses up on to his forehead..

Seth then remembered that as well as the telephone number, there was also an old photograph to inspect. Grabbing the soiled wallet he stared at the faded photograph and turned the photo over to inspect its reverse. There, to his surprise, was an inscription in small block capitals that read,



 "To the finder of this photograph and my deceased body -  It has always been my intention for my remains to be preserved and displayed in my local hostelry so that the members of my society may include me in their discussions when debating society business. Please ensure my wishes are enacted or the curse of Little Legs Parks and Mad Albert disease will descend upon you and your decedents. Yours faithfully, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff".

Seth, now wondered what he could do as he had little money but did not wish to upset the spirits and enable the wrath of Driver Chard to descend upon his lonely but comfy life.  At that moment he remembered an old chemistry set that was located in his cellar, and that he was in the habit of retaining large quantities of formaldehyde in case he was suddenly called upon to embalm road kill or pets.

  The chemicals, together with a couple of marbles and a large wedge of modelling clay, enabled Seth to quickly embellish the skull and mandible to such an extent that a myopic one eyed drunk may consider the likeness to be that of the high jumper in the old black and white photograph. To finish the job, and old fish tank was conveniently just the correct size to take the reconstructed head within its scratched and opaque plastic walls.

With the wonder of taxidermy complete, Seth drove the short distance to the Duck in the Pond, and after a short discussion with the landlord, placed the reconstructed head of Driver Chard upon the wall of the pub, conveniently adjacent to the Duck Flat Cap Societies debating table.

Seth took another sip from his warm pint of bitter and closed his faded note book thinking "Job Done" and with a smile across his face tilted his face towards the Head of Chard and collapsed stone dead from a heart attack, as the dismembered mock piece of taxidermy winked back at him and flipped over within the confines of his plastic container!

RIP John Chard.

THE TREATY OF WESTPHALIA (1648) REPUDIATED BY DRIVER CHARD OF EL HADJ DUIFF

THE TREATY OF WESTPHALIA (1648) REPUDIATED BY DRIVER CHARD OF EL HADJ DUIFF

In an astonishing statement Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has repudiated and rejected the "Peace of Westphalia" as described and agreed by the various agreements designated under the title -  "The Treaty of Westphalia".

The Treaty / Peace of Westphalia was a series of peace treaties signed between May and October 1648 in Osnabruck and Munster. These treaties ended the Thirty Years War (1618–1648) in the Holy Roman Empire, The Bohemian War of Turdoxian and Glumpug resistance (1620-1648) in Croxley Green and Greater Moravia, and the Eighty Years War (1568–1648) between Spain and the Dutch Republic, with Spain formally recognising the independence of the Dutch Republic.

Driver Chard wishes the map of Europe to be rearranged so that Germany disintegrates in to a thousand city states, Bishoprics and Duchies, Switzerland returns to the re configured Holy Roman Empire,( to be renamed the Holy Chard Empire after the relevant plebiscite), and The Netherlands, including Belgium, returned to Spanish sovereignty.

Driver Chard's reasoning being that it would be much easier to travel to Spain for a sun drenched holiday if you only had to travel across the channel to Amsterdam or Brussels, and that a combined Switzerland and Austria would offer far greater savings on lift passes in ski resorts during a winter break.

He also claims to be a direct descendant of Charlemagne,via his Lotharingian lineage,and a distant relative of the Hapsburg's, thus his claim to the throne of the Holy Roman / Chard Empire.    

 Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff is to demand that the United Nations pass a resolution ratifying his dream, and as such, the septuagenarian silver fox is to travel to the United Nations building in New York this weekend, and will attend a specially convened emergency meeting of the Security Council, having gained admittance as a delegate of the esteemed Duck Flat Cap Society.

Further details will be published in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020