PAT "LVO" CANNISTER IN SHOCK BURLESQUE REVELATIONS

 PAT "LVO" CANNISTER IN SHOCK BURLESQUE REVELATIONS

Unknown to all but a handful of loyal lieutenants, ex mitorian pat "LVO" cannister has a previously undisclosed paternal cousin who is a failed burlesque lady boy.

Theobald "kitten" Cannister spent the first 30 years of his sad and lonely life working as a table cleaner in the Neasden wimpy bar and as a late night ball polisher in Ron Gross's snooker hall.

 Any additional free time was wasted attempting to seduce teenage immigrants of both sex, at the Welsh Harp open space.

 Indeed he was involved with the local police on numerous occasions after visiting the desolate watery expanse, but was also often interviewed by the constabulary after visiting the local odeon cinema.

As a young man he expressed a keen interest in motorcycles and could often be seen having discussions with oily greasers and leather clad bikers, and ultimately tinkering with the timing chains and throttles in the showroom opposite the snooker hall.

As time passed, the awkward imbecile turned to frequenting the seedy side of Soho and soon became a regular at a number of strip joints. He was occasionally partnered by Pat "LVO" Cannister on this trips to London's sex capital, and indeed on more than one occasion the venue was chosen for the sexual libations of "LVO".  

Before long, Theobald "Kitten" Cannister was frequenting Burlesque bars where he began to show a particular liking to their seedy strip act. After one such encounter, "Kitten" proceeded to purchase a collection of erotic female clothing, and started to perfect his own gross Burlesque act.

 After auditioning at a number of the seedier clubs in Soho, "Kitten" was offered a slot in a bisexual review bar.

 He was initially accompanied by Pat "LVO" Cannister, who was soon working at the bar as a card man issuing calling cards to those unfortunate enough to take them from his trembling hand.  

Before long it became obvious to "Kitten" that his future lay in Burlesque, but also realised that to reach his personal goal, he was going to have to re gender himself as a "Lady Boy". A trip was soon organised to a back street unlicensed Doctor in Bradford, who arranged for the necessary injections and drugs to be taken to ensure that his breasts grew to the size required for his act. 

His manhood was to remain place as with most self respecting Lady Boys.

After a number of months "Kitten" returned to the stage only to be lambasted by the crowd, who's shifting tastes had moved on from those offered by Kitten Cannister.

 He soon moved on to selling his body, but after little success resorted to the practises and pass times previously displayed at the Welsh Harp Open Space.  


The Cannister family have tried to keep the existence of this unwelcome relative secret over the years, even denying his very existence, although his influence can be seen in the way that his corpulent cousins have enacted their own seedy lifestyles. 

After frequent run-ins with the  various local law enforcement agencies, "Kitten" emigrated to Bangkok where he continues to live to this day eking out a sad existence selling his body to American and Arab tourists. 

Further updates will be released in due course.






 

 

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN NAZI CONUNDRUM

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN NAZI CONUNDRUM

Archivists working for the Duck Flat Cap society (DFCS) have allegedly uncovered previously unknown documents linking the society with Nazi Germany. 

The documents have been discovered in a bombed out bank vault in Berlin, and are alleged to disclose details of plans for the DFCS to relocate to Germany in the event that England and the Allies lost the war.

The documents include a detailed map of greater Berlin , including the proposed modernisation of the city, to be renamed "Welthauptstadt Germania" as  proposed by Albert Speer.
 The DFCS was to have new headquarters on the banks of the River Spree near to the proposed Volkshalle, designed by Hitler himself.

 The documents are said to be held in a leather document case that also incredibly also included a faded photograph of the societies current acting Chairman and President, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff.

This sepia photograph of the ten year old Chard is remarkable in that he is dressed in the uniform of the Schutzstaffel S.S and is signed by Albert Speer. Additional photographs appear to indicate that Driver Chard spent pre-war holidays in Berlin and its environs, and that he was familiar with Albert Speer and his family.

The bundle of documents also included an ancient Egyptian artifact that had an inscription on its base, wishing Driver Chard all the best for his future and that this artifact would bring his luck during his life.

This uncanny revelation is all the more incredible when you realise that Driver Chard carried out his military service in Egypt and has often talked of the miraculous way that he always keep out of trouble whilst those about him were smitten by the rebellious Egyptians fighting for Independence and ownership of the Suez canal.

It has long been established that the fledgling Duck Flat Cap Society was brought to prominence during the Early 20th Century due to the enterprises of the Chard clan and in particular due their links with the Masons and Templar's.

It is now believed that these close links were also spread like tentacles across Europe, and in particular Germany, where Albert Speer resided in his Nazi pomp and splendour. This would indicate why the DFCS were prepared to move to Berlin in the event that they defeated the Allies in the struggle for hegemony in Europe.  

Driver Chard has been approached by the Imbibing and procrastinating subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society regarding these allegations and he has vehemently denied any link to Germany or Albert Speer.

However, he did agree that he occasionally carries a Stormtroopers Dagger with his initials engraved on to the hilt, but refuses to accept that this may link him to the Nazi's or Albert Speer.

The DFCS will continue to investigate the evidence as it unfolds in Berlin and will report its full findings in due course.

 

GYROSCOPES AND THEIR MANY USES

GYROSCOPES AND THEIR MANY USES

FROM THE PEN OF LOAF AND HORSE

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A GYROSCOPE MAY BE PLACED TO THE TEMPLE IN HOT WEATHER TO AID SLEEPING.

AGREED, SIR TUFTON WOMPUMFISH THE HARDLY KNOWN AMAZON EXPLORER ONCE TOOK A GYROSCOPE ON HIS EXPEDITION INTO THE BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST ,IT TOOK 14 BEARERS TO CARRY IT DISASSEMBLED AND THEN 4 WEEKS TO REASSEMBLE IT.
ONCE IT HAD BEEN PUT TOGETHER HE LEFT IT OUTSIDE HIS TENT TO AID HIS SLEEP BUT IT BLEW HIM AWAY AND HE WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

 IN UPPER SILESIA, IS STILL USUAL TO SEE A RECENTLY MARRIED COUPLE KISSING WITH A PAIR OF GYROSCOPE'S BALANCED ON THEIR SHOULDERS AS THEY WALK THROUGH THE VILLAGE ON THEIR WAY TO THE MARITAL BED. 

THE ORIGINAL ABORIGINAL PEOPLE OF WESTERN AUSTRALIA THOUGH ALLEGEDLY FOND OF FIREWATER, HAD DEVELOPED A GYROSCOPE MADE ENTIRELY OF WOMBAT SHIT, IT OF COURSE DID NOT WORK BUT THEY WERE EXTREMELY DRUNK. 

DURING THE 2ND WORLD WAR, IT WAS QUITE COMMON TO SUBSTITUTE MISTLETOE FOR A GYROSCOPE AT XMAS, AS MISTLETOE WAS USED BY THE HOME GUARD TO PROTECT THEIR SECRETE BASES FROM NAZI ATTACK. IT WAS THOUGHT THAT IF THE HUNS INVADED THEY WOULD HALT UNDER THE MISTLETOE TO HAVE A QUICK SNOG, AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT OUR BRAVE HOME GUARD WOULD SHOOT THEM! HOWEVER, THE GYROSCOPE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MANY ACCIDENTS AS IF IT STOPPED SPINNING IT WOULD FALL ON THE UNSUSPECTING SMOOCHERS HEADS. 

AN ANCIENT GYROSCOPE THOUGHT TO BE OVER FIVE THOUSAND YEARS OLD HAS ALLEGEDLY RECENTLY BEEN DISCOVERED IN THE GRAVE OF A CARRY ON ACTOR . HE WAS ALLEGEDLY EXHUMED ON THE ORDERS OF A WELL KNOWN  ACTRESS WHO IT IS BELIEVED WON THE GYROSCOPE FROM AN INEBRIATED ACTOR IN A GAME OF STRIP POKER ON THE SET OF CARRY ON CAMPING.
IT IS ALLEGED THAT HE STOLE THE "SCOPE" FROM THE ACTRESS WHILST SHE WAS IN A TENT WITH A NUMBER OF OTHER WELL KNOWN CARRY ON ACTORS SMOKING HEMP.

IT HAS BEEN PROVEN BY CHINESE SCIENTISTS THAT A WELL PLACED GYROSCOPE PLACED ON THE UPPER LIP OF A CORPSE CAN REVIVE THE BODY SUFFICIENTLY TO ENABLE SEXUAL CONGRESS TO TAKE PLACE. IT IS RUMOURED THAT A CHINESE EMPEROR HAS BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY TWO STRATEGICALLY PLACED GYROSCOPES, ONE ON HIS LIP AND ONE ON HIS PUBIC REGION, SO THAT HE COULD MATE WITH AN OLD SCHOOL ACTRESS WHO HAD BEEN BORROWED FROM THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. THE CHIMERA IS DUE TO BE DELIVERED BY GYROSCOPIC SECTION WHEN BIG BROTHER IS OVER.

TOP SECRET PAPERS RECENTLY LEAKED FROM NASA HAVE REVEALED THAT ASTRONAUTS ALLEGEDLY DISCOVERED A GYROSCOPE ON THE SURFACE OF THE MOON IN 1969, AFTER SOME STRUGGLE AND WITH A LOT OF HELP FROM COMPANIONS THE SCOPE WAS BROUGHT ABOARD THE LUNAR MODULE AND EVENTUALLY BACK ON BOARD APOLLO 11.
HOWEVER OBVIOUSLY BEING MADE OF MOON CHEESE THE GREEDY PAIR SCOFFED IT ON THE WAY BACK AND NO TRACES WERE LEFT.

GYROSCOPE UPPING IS THE ANNUAL CENSUS OF GYROSCOPES IN THE COUNTIES OF MIDDLESEX, SURREY, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, BERKSHIRE AND OXFORDSHIRE.

THIS HISTORIC CEREMONY DATES FROM THE TWELFTH CENTURY, WHEN THE CROWN CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES AND TOY SPINNING TOPS.

AT THAT TIME GYROSCOPES WERE REGARDED AS MYSTICAL AND FEARED BY THE GENERAL POPULATION.

IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT THAT THE CROWN RETAINS THE RIGHT TO OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES WITHIN THE UNITED KINGDOM, BUT THE MONARCH ONLY EXERCISES HIS OR HER OWNERSHIP ON CERTAIN OCCASIONS, SUCH AS THE F A CUP FINAL.

THIS OWNERSHIP WAS ALLEGEDLY SHARED WITH THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF VINTNERS AND THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF DYERS, WHO WERE GRANTED RIGHTS OF OWNERSHIP BY THE CROWN IN THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY. NOWADAYS, OF COURSE, GYROSCOPES ARE NO LONGER USED IN THE PREPARATION OF WINE OR DYES.

SPINNING TOPS ARE A SIMPLE FORM OF GYROSCOPE, AS THE SPINNING TOP IS ROTATED IT IS ABLE TO STAND UP RIGHT WITHOUT FALLING OVER DUE TO ITS GYROSCOPIC BEHAVIOUR. THIS BEHAVIOUR CAN BE OBSERVED IN MANY PUBLIC HOUSES AND BARS AT CLOSING TIME.

HOWEVER THE MATHEMATICS ARE MORE COMPLEX BECAUSE THE FRICTION WITH THE FLOOR CHANGES AS THE GYROSCOPE LEANS TO THE SIDE, HOWEVER A SACRED SCRIPT UNEARTHED IN MESOPOTAMIA DATING FROM THE 12 CENTURY BC DETAILS THE MATHEMATICAL THEORY IN FULL .

JOHANN BOHNENBERGER (AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TUBINGEN) 'DISCOVERED' THE GYROSCOPE (GYROSCOPE NAME WAS COINED IN 1852).

THE ZOROASTRIAN FAITH BELIEVES THAT THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT GYROSCOPE ON THE BACK OF A ZEBRA BEING CARRIED BY A MENSTRUAL MARMOSET BALANCED ON A PINK AND GREEN SPACE HOPPER SUSPENDED BY AN ENORMOUS PUPPETEER STANDING ON A ROCK MADE FROM GOATS CHEESE.
THIS IS OF COURSE A LIE, GOATS CHEESE COULD NEVER STAND THAT WEIGHT.

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TAKEOVER BID OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

TAKEOVER BID OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Corporate raiders from the middle east have outraged the membership of the fabled Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) by tabling a bid for the Society.

The bid has been  fronted by the flamboyant snuff, oil and sand potentate, Sheik Horse Ibn El Lot.
The secretive magnate has been known to London's wealthy elite for many years, after elaborately establishing his name during a hard fought battle for the control of the local snuff trade.   

The bat tle for control of the nasal additive was eventually won by the sheik by his underhand manipulation of the addictive powders supply chain. His control of the lucrative substance has been absolute ever since he established his hegemony over the snuff barons, and he has never shown any willingness to weaken his hand.

 

The substance is at the centre of his plan to purchase the Duck Flat Cap society, as he is aware that the societies national membership are addicted to the liquid version of the substance, which is sold under various pseudonym's throughout the pubs, hostelries, bars and clubs of England.    

The DFCS are in full agreement that this foul attempt to take control of  the society has to be defended at all cost.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has been appointed temporary chairman of the select subcommittee set up to defend the society from the evil grasp of the oil maddened potentate Sheik Horse Ibn El Lot.

 A full meeting of the committee is to be held within the next couple of days when it is expected that ex military hard man, travel agent and sexologist, Basher Hurley will be appointed as military adviser.


 His initial approach is expected to employ agents to infiltrate the sheiks senior command, in an attempt to discover the oil barons soft spot.

It is also believed that Bazzer Duck and failed Karaoke singer Ray the Dust will be employed as special agents, with a strategy of engaging the sand, oil and Snuff merchants colleagues and operatives with destabilising talk of the local snuff trade drying up and the price of the commodity imploding over the next few months.

Further details will be released after the proposed meeting of the subcommittee.