CARDINAL CHARD AND THE LOST ARK OF THE COVENANT
Driver Chard, the former self proclaimed potentate of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has expressed his view that only those who wear the traditional head garment in the orthodox manner, are entitled to vote in the forthcoming General Election.
This deeply controversial comment was delivered as he gave a speech to the assembled and manacled clientele of the geriatrics foot-binding and incontinence section at "St Bohemia and Augustus Temperance Sanatorium" in East Belmont, Middlesex.
The wildly enthusiastic audience sat entranced as the octogenarian potentate announced that the fabled "Lost Arc of the Covenant" has been discovered in his garden shed, behind a yellowing sticky pile of old magazines and periodicals, including an unhealthy number of black and white copies of "Men's Health", Green shield stamp albums and back copies of the Watchtower.
When questioned by members of the Duck Flat Cap society "Imbibing, Procrastinating and Ancient Artifact" section, Driver Chard explained that during the Suez conflict in north east Africa, he crashed his vehicle in to a temporary latrine when running an errand for his officer. Although there was not much damage to the army truck, the accident had revealed a previously hidden tunnel that descended adjacent to the latrine and ended in a previously concealed rock hewn chamber.
Within the chamber was a relic of antiquity that the still shaken Driver Chard believed could be used as an additional section of the latrine, and due to its shape, would make a perfect throne for laying the ace. Rushing back to the tented compound he alerted a number of sappers who came to assist with the recovery of the object, and to attend to minor alterations to allow the relic to be used for the soiling activities of the officer class.
However, prior to use by commissioned officers, Driver Chard decided to give it a cheeky trial, and after being seated on the throne was immediately blasted by holy electromagnetic forces blowing his undies to shreds and singeing his public garden area so that it resembled burnt toast. Luckily for Driver Chard, he was sitting on a rubber inner tube to protect his acute farmer Giles, and therefore was saved from total inhalation.
In view of his electrical mishap, the Chard decided that it was best not to utilise the artifact as a latrine, and using his army and navy contacts, (fostered after an unfortunate incident in the washroom on the troop ship on the way to North Africa), arranged to have the relic shipped back to the UK where it has remained until recently rediscovered in his garden shed.
Not long after rediscovering the Ark, Driver Chard took to addressing himself as "Cardinal Chard" and started wearing red clothing, and in particular an old red bonnet which he apparently stole from his granddaughter. However, he continues to claim that it appeared from nowhere whilst examining the contents of the clothes line just after rediscovering the ancient relic.
More on this important discovery will be published as soon as Cardinal Chard recovers from his latest lobotomy.
R.I.P JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020
Driver Chard, the former self proclaimed potentate of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has expressed his view that only those who wear the traditional head garment in the orthodox manner, are entitled to vote in the forthcoming General Election.
This deeply controversial comment was delivered as he gave a speech to the assembled and manacled clientele of the geriatrics foot-binding and incontinence section at "St Bohemia and Augustus Temperance Sanatorium" in East Belmont, Middlesex.
The wildly enthusiastic audience sat entranced as the octogenarian potentate announced that the fabled "Lost Arc of the Covenant" has been discovered in his garden shed, behind a yellowing sticky pile of old magazines and periodicals, including an unhealthy number of black and white copies of "Men's Health", Green shield stamp albums and back copies of the Watchtower.
When questioned by members of the Duck Flat Cap society "Imbibing, Procrastinating and Ancient Artifact" section, Driver Chard explained that during the Suez conflict in north east Africa, he crashed his vehicle in to a temporary latrine when running an errand for his officer. Although there was not much damage to the army truck, the accident had revealed a previously hidden tunnel that descended adjacent to the latrine and ended in a previously concealed rock hewn chamber.
Within the chamber was a relic of antiquity that the still shaken Driver Chard believed could be used as an additional section of the latrine, and due to its shape, would make a perfect throne for laying the ace. Rushing back to the tented compound he alerted a number of sappers who came to assist with the recovery of the object, and to attend to minor alterations to allow the relic to be used for the soiling activities of the officer class.
However, prior to use by commissioned officers, Driver Chard decided to give it a cheeky trial, and after being seated on the throne was immediately blasted by holy electromagnetic forces blowing his undies to shreds and singeing his public garden area so that it resembled burnt toast. Luckily for Driver Chard, he was sitting on a rubber inner tube to protect his acute farmer Giles, and therefore was saved from total inhalation.
In view of his electrical mishap, the Chard decided that it was best not to utilise the artifact as a latrine, and using his army and navy contacts, (fostered after an unfortunate incident in the washroom on the troop ship on the way to North Africa), arranged to have the relic shipped back to the UK where it has remained until recently rediscovered in his garden shed.
Not long after rediscovering the Ark, Driver Chard took to addressing himself as "Cardinal Chard" and started wearing red clothing, and in particular an old red bonnet which he apparently stole from his granddaughter. However, he continues to claim that it appeared from nowhere whilst examining the contents of the clothes line just after rediscovering the ancient relic.
More on this important discovery will be published as soon as Cardinal Chard recovers from his latest lobotomy.
R.I.P JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020
