THE CRISTMAS DAY MASSACRE - MAD ALBERT III

 THE CRISTMAS DAY MASSACRE - MAD ALBERT III

Christmas was on a Friday, and all were anticipating a wonderful long weekend of stuffed belly's, frequent flatulence, laughter, tears and humongous hangovers. 

As all and sundry sat contently and contemplated their Christmas break, a dark stinking malevolent entity lurked in its lair, stroking its putrid membrane with its malformed spikes and salivating at the thought of his future bounty. It was resting now, but would quickly spring back in to action with a new and invigorated resolve.

 It inwardly laughed at the incompetency of those elected to protect them, and scoffed at the pathetic measures they believed would restrict its ever strengthening and strangulating grip in humanity. 

The entity had first made its self known earlier in the year when it materialised from nowhere in the far east and paralised society. In earlier manifestations it had had many names but most recently had worked its evil way under the name of "Mad Albert Disease". 

Tests conducted by the scientific and micro biology section of the Duck Flat Cap Society, have allegedly traced a deadly new strain of Mad Albert Disease (MAD) to a discarded pair of soiled undergarments belonging to the overweight and vertically challenged, Pepe Le Puke.

The offending boxer shorts were allegedly discovered in Hamburg , Germany, and were easily identified to be those of the diminutive balding ex refuse collector, by the name sewn in to the waistband. If this evidence was not enough, a pair of his mittens, again with his name tag attached were found adjacent to the blood, shit and puss stained underpants.

It is believed that this strain has mutated after coming in to contact with the original variant of Mad Albert, which originated at the Mitre Public house in North West London towards the end of the last century. 

Previous joint research conducted by the "Medical Committee" of the “Expanding Waste band Society” and the "Consumption committee" of the “Duck flat cap society” has resulted in controversial evidence that links the original source of “Mad Albert Disease” to the sadly missed Mitre public house.

As previously reported, the origin of the highly debilitating disease was allegedly been traced to a pint of Double Diamond or Long Life, purchased in the Mitre by the semi illiterate and partially insane flat cap wearer, “Mad" Albert Bumfield.

“Mad Albert” being a regular of the Mitre from the late 1940’s until his death in the early 1980’s is believed to have imbibed the fateful Double Diamond or Long Life whilst watching his double jointed wife engage in a spot of improvised ballet dancing and gymnastics on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

During the war Mad Albert was a regular soldier in a division of the North African Desert Rat Regiment, almost fully populated by Mitre Regulars, and known as the “ Fully Mechanised Imbibing Division”. 

It is believed he picked up Bilharzia disease whilst bathing in the Nile, and this combined with the currently unknown toxin allegedly picked up in the Mitre, resulting in the onset of full Mad Albert Disease within 48 hours.

These combined strains of the newly mutated entity have themselves allegedly mixed with unknown pathogens that usually live in the guts and gizzards of chickens and other fowl and had dispersed around the world in the lungs of unsuspecting commuters, cruise passengers and air travelers. 

As Christmas loomed on the near horizon, the virulent assassin decided it was time to unleash its newly in-mixed and invigorated powers, and started to infiltrate the genteel members of leafy Kent, and swiftly moved in to metropolitan London and its hinterland of the home counties. 

The media was alive with reports of increased infections and deaths as the disease skulked through the populous. As it reveled in the ease of its own success, like a child pulling the wings from a daddy long-legs, it decided that it would reward its bloated self belief by mutating and strengthening the ability to pass on its malaise swifter and more accurately than previously. 

To be continued.......

VACCINATION OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

 VACCINATION OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Recent events surrounding the venerable and apolitical Duck Flat Cap Society have outraged its genteel and distinguished membership.

 At the last Zoom meeting of the "Virology and Quaffworthyness" sub section of the debating society, Northern agitator and professor of Vino Rouge, Dave the Teach, insisted that he had discovered a safe vaccine to offer full protection against the most virulent of social diseases, "Mad Albert Disease". 

However, the acting chairman and president Dave Duck, has advised the society that the "Imbibing and Procrastinating" sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society have declared Dave the Teach's outburst was both illegal and unconstitutional. 

Previous joint research conducted by the "Medical Committee" of the “Expanding Waste band Society” and the "Consumption committee" of the “Duck flat cap society” has resulted in controversial evidence that links the original source of “Mad Albert Disease” to the sadly missed Mitre public house.

The origin of the highly debilitating disease was allegedly been traced to a pint of Double Diamond or Long Life, purchased in the Mitre by the semi illiterate and partially insane flat cap wearer, “Mad" Albert Bumfield.

“Mad Albert” being a regular of the Mitre from the late 1940’s until his death in the early 1980’s is believed to have imbibed the fateful Double Diamond or Long Life whilst watching his double jointed wife engage in a spot of improvised ballet dancing and gymnastics on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

During the war Mad Albert was a regular soldier in a division of the North African Desert Rat Regiment, almost fully populated by Mitre Regulars, and known as the “ Fully Mechanised Imbibing Division”. It is believed he picked up Bilharzia disease whilst bathing in the Nile, and this combined with the currently unknown toxin allegedly picked up in the Mitre, resulting in the onset of Full Mad Albert Disease within 48 hours.

It is also alleged by other witnesses, that on the first occasion that poor "Mad Albert Bumfield" convulsed to the malevolent strains of the disease named after him, the large and generously proportioned "Big Ian" was seated on his normal stool and witnessed the whole event.

As usual, "Big Ian" had consumed his normal lunchtime quota of 12 pints of strong cider, and therefore can be considered to be of sound mind and no way impaired by excess alcohol. The alleged rumours are that he noticed a disheveled figure skulking by the gents, who was seen to exhale his stinking breath fully in to the the face of Old Mad Albert, just prior to his first convulsion. Further more, it is alleged that this person was "Ted the Barman", who was soon to become a long time if disheveled barman at the Mitre.

It should also be reported that many other regulars of the Mitre began to show the early signs of "Mad Albert Disease" in particular the happy but mad as a brush, "Phil the tweak Baxter". The back flipping, flaxen haired barbarian considered it unusual if he had not tweaked the nipples of every male person in the pub, by closing time. In view of the evidence regarding Mad Albert Disease" it is now apparent that he may well have been suffering from the very early stages of the debilitating affliction.

Further investigations are being conducted by the various committee's of the "Expanding Waste Band Society" and the "Duck Flat Cap Society", so as to ascertain whether the claims that a vaccine has been found are true and future reports will be posted here.

To be updated in due course.....

CHARD OF THE YARD AND THE TIARA MURDER MYSTERY

  CHARD OF THE YARD AND THE TIARA MURDER MYSTERY

Inspector Chard was a stout fellow of resolute will, sound mind and inspirational faith. He also supported Fulham F.C.

Born in to a lower class household in north west London before the second great conflict, he never travelled far from his birth. Indeed, he never possessed a passport or travelled beyond the borders of England. To the remarkable Inspector Chard, crossing the borders of Middlesex was a great struggle, and indeed, a trip to near by Watford in the neighboring county of Hertfordshire was strain on his constitution.

After leaving school at the age of eight, he trained as a porter at the local Harrow and Wealdstone station and quickly progressed to ticket hall officer and trolley pusher. During the long hours at the station, he studied to become a fully qualified medical Doctor, and after many years was reworded with a Doctorate in Psychiatry and Origami. Not long after passing his final exams, he submitted a paper to the School of Bavarian Hematology and Photo Lobotomies and unexpectedly obtained a seat on its UK board, which was located at the nearby Brunhilder Harrovian and Munich psychiatric Unit. 

Not long after taking up his seat, he was involved with local police enforcement officers, who asked him to assist with a case involving the disappearance of a barman from the Tiara Public house on the borders of North Wembley and Sudbury. The barman, named Ted, had been a regular member of the staff at the hostelry, and although short in stature and low in mental agility, was looked upon kindly and affectionately by the pubs riotous and boisterous working class cliental. 

He had gone missing after a humongous after hours session that continued in the early hours of the morning. All those in attendance had been interviewed by the local police, who agreed to withhold charging the Tiara for licensing irregularities providing vital information regarding Teds disappearance was forthcoming. The licensee of the Tiara, a small Rugby hooligan of Welsh and English heritage, "Little Taffy", had agreed to assist with the polices enquiries, providing he could retain his seat at the annual policemen's ball, and keep his collection of illegal photographs and videos discovered on his premises.

After coming to an acceptable agreement, information was divulged and the fields situated to the rear of the public house were excavated by a specialist police unit. A yellowing skull was quickly uncovered amongst a scattering of empty bottles of stout, crisp packets and fag ends. 

Chard of the Yard had been secretly tipped off by Little Taffy that he suspected old Pa Bumfold as the murderer, due to his increasing senility and the constant aggravation he was under emanating from his alcoholic but gymnastically orientated wife. 

Amongst the detriment found scattered around the unearthed skull, a small set of yellowing false teeth were recovered. The teeth were not Teds, as his putrid teeth were still entombed within his wretched jaws. Chard set out to call on Old Pa Bumfold to try and establish if the set of Gnasher's would fit his emaciated and blotched face.  

 It was a little after midday and the smell of stale piss pervaded the atmosphere of the dingy downstairs room. Old “Pa Bumfold” crossed his legs but failed to stop the emission flowing from his fetid soiled undergarments. 

Placing both hands on the filthy armchair he levered himself to his feet and shuffled towards the kitchen back door and the sanctuary of the brick outhouse, unfortunately situated in the back yard of the Victorian terraced property.

After a ten minute session in the putrid latrine and doing the paperwork with an old copy of the Radio Times, Pa Bumfold shuffled back in to the kitchen, where he was immediately set upon by his deranged octogenarian wife Gloria, a failed gymnast and part time exhibitionist from Kilburn. She managed to wrap here spindly legs around his neck by leaping from the kitchen table and slowly began to squeeze the life out of her befuddled husband.

A loud knock at the front door interrupted the comic grappling in the kitchen, and both made their way to the hallway and front door, where the unmistakable shadow of a policeman was viewed through the tinted glass panel in the door. 

Old Pa Bumfold, whose face was still puce from the near strangling his wife had administered, turned the latch and opened the door, fully expecting the old bill to nick him for his ungentlemanly conduct in the Tiara public house the previous night, when he had farted in the face of the opposing darts teams captain.

However, after removing his flat cap, Inspector Chard explained that during recent excavations so as to facilitate the building of a new sports centre at Vale Farm, on the site of the existing open air swimming pool, they had unearthed a skeleton of a deformed dwarf like creature with missing teeth, broken wire rimmed spectacles, a curved spine and a silver bracelet on his lower arm depicting the name “Ted”. 

Furthermore, due to the boggy nature of the soil, part of the creature’s skin had been preserved and upon it was a child like tattoo describing the name “Ted” in blue ink. However, Inspector Chard also stated that unusually for such cases, the skull was unearthed, but was presumed to have been disturbed by animals, but the missing parts, including his false teeth, would no doubt be found in due course.

To be continued or updated..........