RAY THE DUST IN PSYCHOPATH DIAGNOSIS

RAY THE DUST IN PSYCHOPATH DIAGNOSIS

Professor Buffenschmite of the Charlottenburg and  Potsdam Institute of the Criminally insane, having been commissioned by the Procrastination and Imbibing  subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has diagnosed Ray the Dust as clinically insane.

After many months of study, he has ruled that the Dust has severe “Mad Albert Disease” coupled with high level “Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy”.

Recent events on the Costa Del Crime have confirmed the professors diagnosis, with the failed karaoke singer and part time refuse collector “Ray the Dust”, threatening to kill bar staff who refused to  acknowledge his extensive biomass immediately.

This threat would then be followed up by the dust shutting his eyes and snoring as his befuddled brain lapses in to an unconscious state.

 On more than one occasion a white handkerchief was also placed on his head prior to unconsciousness.

On other occasions, Ray the Dust would be found in the local KFC with a bucket of fried chicken on his head, having previously attempted to sing Mustang Sally using a coffee cup as a microphone, whilst standing completely stark naked, except for a Cowboy Boot on his left foot. 

The rare combination of Mad Albert Disease and Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy (HSE) has previously been diagnosed in Ulan Bator and Kinshasa, but never in Europe or the America’s.   

Driver Chard, acting President and Chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society has acted swiftly in suspending Ray the Dusts membership, and the ruling council are currently discussing a permanent ban.  

The council of deputies are also currently debating the possibility that Pepe Le Puke and Little Legs Parks have also contracted the debilitating pathogen and their continued membership is to be subject to rigorous medical examination, to be conducted by Master Sergeant Basher Hurley.

Ex Military Hard Man and sexologist Basher Hurley qualifies for this onerous task due to his medical first aid certificate obtained whilst studying tactical manoeuvres at the Hinckley Point School of Farting, Coprolalia and Tourette’s syndrome.

His medical skills having already been established when previously bringing Driver Chard back from the Dead during the unfortunate “Gamp and Suspender incident” at the recent summer solstice, and the never to be forgotten “Disabled toilet manoeuvre” of   2011.

The source of the "Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy” is believed to have been  a soiled pair of Pepe Le Pukes under garments that were lent to Ray the Dust when he had an unfortunate follow through after a large breakfast on the way to the waste disposal site in Ruislip. With regards the Mad Albert Disease" pockets of the pathogen have been prevalent in the locality ever since Little Legs Parks had a mild bout in 2011.

Professor Buffenschmite believes the individual strains of H.S.A and M.A.D converged in to the deadly concoction that currently debilitates Ray the Dust after a casual meeting between the Dust and Little Legs in a Benidorm Gay bar, after the Dust had already become infected with H.S.A via Pepe Le Pukes soiled under pants. 

Further details will be released in due course. 

BASHER HURLEY IN INTELLIGENCE LEAK OUTRAGE

BASHER HURLEY IN INTELLIGENCE LEAK OUTRAGE

Basher Hurley, ex military hard man and sexologist has allegedly been sighted in Moscow after leaking secret Duck Flat Cap Society files to the media. However sightings have also been reported in Havana and Northolt.

Basher Hurley’s last known location was Benidorm in south east Spain, where he declared his intent to release the contents hundreds of secret files to the “Valencia & Alicante Gleaner” and the “Benidorm and Altea Jewish Chronicle”.  

He is known to have departed Alicante airport in the early hours of Saturday morning, although his destination is as yet unconfirmed.

Agents of the Iberian secrete police working together with Interpol and Driver Chard believed that he obtained assistance from Sticky Vicky in his flight from the various and vicarious agencies on his trail.

It is alleged that he boarded an aircraft bound for Havana via Moscow, where he is known to have contacts in a “Churchill Cigar and Beef Tea” smuggling cartel.   However, the only plane destined for Havana that morning was due to stop at Northolt Aerodrome in North London en route, so as to drop of a crate of Cigars allegedly commissioned by the RAF.

Due to his previous employment by the RAF, it is believed that the ex military hard man may try to disembark with the cigars and proceed to penetrate the perimeter fencing so that he can find refuge in a local safe house provided by his nefarious companion "Little Legs Parks".

The acting President and Chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has declared that “Jack Slipper” had been engaged to recover Basher Hurley, although this statement was quickly withdrawn when he was informed that he had been dead for 8 years.

 Feeling somewhat flustered and hot, dressed in his full Fulham F.C training kit, the red faced soon to be octogenarian unfurled his umbrella and placing three beer mats on his head, stated that the DFCS already had an agent on the ground in Spain.

 He went on to confirm that the ex karaoke singer and failed comedian “Ray the Dust”, will be liaising with the “Valencia and Alicante Gleaner” and the “Benidorm and Altea Jewish Chronicle” to retract any previously published statements regarding the DFCS records.

 It is reported that “God Boy Ince” will be joining Ray the Dust in Spain to assist him in his attempt to stifle any reproduction of the leaked information, which allegedly includes the names in “Meerkat Malc's”  “little black book”, together with details of the members tailors ,hatters and flat cap suppliers.    


Further details will be posted in due course.

  

 

DRIVER CHARD IN BILDERBERG INTRIGUE

DRIVER CHARD IN BILDERBERG INTRIGUE

The International grouping of the worlds top Bankers, Industrial fat cats and Politicians, who have allegedly been infiltrated by high ranking members of the Duck Flat Cap Society, have recently met at a secure location In Watford, a location only a couple of miles from the headquarters of the DFCS.

The highly secret group that first met in 1954, meet once a year to discuss how they are going to run the world for the following twelve months. The individual invitees are selected by a central committee of political and banking behemoths, who individually are allegedly also members of the Freemasons and the Illuminate.

The Duck Flat Cap society were again invited to send a member to the meeting of the worlds movers and shakers, in recognition of the political and social standing that the august body have within the heart and soul of the corporate and social networks of the United Kingdom. In view of his intricate knowledge of all things political and his intimate working knowledge of his I Pad, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff was selected to represent the DFCS.

Although not confirmed, it is believed that Driver Chard addressed the assembled brethren on Saturday evening after inviting them to his working mans club in Kenton.

Wearing his full unwashed Fulham FC football kit and a black trilby, he entertained the worlds leaders by regaling them with tails of his time in the eastern desert during the Suez crisis. 

Photographs of a camel performing sexual acts with his batman were also distributed, together with various artefacts believed to have been obtained from the local Pasha's harem. It is believed that an exhibition of the sordid exhibits is to take place in Soho in the near future.   

It has longed been suggested by London and New York intelligentsia that the membership of the Duck Flat Cap Society have included numerous NATO Commanders who are based at "North West Europe command HQ" in nearby Northwood Hills.

However, earlier rumours that Driver Chard was temporary in charge of North West Europe's military elite after returning from the Egyptian desert have not been confirmed, although the octogenarian warmonger often sits at his seat in the Duck with a signed photograph of President Eisenhower and General Patton's revolvers at his side.

He has also been known to talk, after three pints of best Bitter, about friendly conversations with president Kennedy and frustrating conversations with an ever sweating Richard Nixon.

It should not be forgotten that Bentley Priory, a former Air Force base and command centre for NATO, is also situated only a mile from the Duck In The Pond, the headquarters of the Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS).

During the 2nd World War it is alleged that Winston Churchill regularly traversed these tunnels as he sped between commanding the victory over the Hun at the Battle of Britain from Bentley Priory and necking a gallon of the local best bitter and smoking a couple of humongous cigars.
 

Indeed, former military operatives Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif and Basher Hurley, have both sworn on the club rule book to the effect that secret tunnels run from Bentley Priory to the cellar of the Duck. This has also been verified by Chelsea Dave who has previously reconnoitred the basement and cellar of the duck under the guise of maintenance work. 

At this moment the DFCS are not able to confirm what was discussed at the meeting of the Bilderberg Group, but further information will be released as soon as it is to hand.  


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020 

 

THE COBALT MANNEQUIN

THE COBALT MANNEQUIN

Kram Toille arose from his bed at the usual hour and preceded to prepare himself for the days activities. 
It was Tuesday and therefore a working day. He dressed in his usual office attire and draining the last dregs from his cup of tea, opened his door and strode towards the intersection of his road and the main route to the station. 

His village comprised of a number of post war properties but was mainly composed of early Victorian cottages and a mixture of late medieval and Elizabethan barns and manor houses.

However there was only one shop for the villagers and it was accompanied by a single village pub.

The shop was run by an octogenarian man named Octavius Willender who's family had moved to the village during the persecution of the Huganoughts in the 17th century and had remained ever since. Octavius was now the sole survivor of the family, as his wife had died during a robbery at the shop in 1959 and his children had perished whilst on a school trip to Aberfan in 1966.  

The shop was a double fronted shop with Victorian glass panels and one small door. The shop fronts were identical and both contained mannequins dressed in an assortment of clothing.  A total of five mannequins were spread across the two window spaces and the clothing was always of an antique nature. 

At the intersection. Kram Toille turned left and was soon passing the shop. As usual he glanced in to the first window and noticed that three of the models were clustered together as if speaking to each other. Further more , the second window was noticeable by the fact that the remaining two mannequins were set with there backs to the door entrance, and thus the mannequins positioned in the preceding window.

Soon Kram was at the station and as he boarded hid train to the city his thoughts returned to the Cobalt mannequins in Octavius's shop. He was not sure but he thought he could remember a trickle of red bloodlike liquid falling across the cheeks and upper lip of the two lifeless mannequins in the second window.

He soon picked up his paper and turned to the quick crossword which he began to complete with a small HB pencil. His eyes glazed over as he stared at the first clue which read "Sweeney Tod was ear but not there!". As his brow began to sweat profusely he remembered that along with the trickle of blood running across the mannequins faces, a grizzly lump of red mushy flesh appeared to lay at the feet of each of the cobalt figures. The redness of the  blood being extenuated by the deep blue colouring of the mannequins. 

As his train pulled in to the station Kram was shaking with disbelief as he realised that his 45 minute journey had elapsed in no time at all and that  he was at his destination. He trudged to his office and was soon buried in an avalanche of paper work and phone calls. He was often distracted throughout the day as his colleagues seemed to revel in discussing his mental distress by continually mentioning within their speech references to ears, Todd, Sweeney, death etc, although they were only making reference to the previous evenings TV when the crime thriller "the Sweeney" had been broadcast.

Soon his day was over and he rushed to catch his usual train home, and he was soon sitting in his Pullman carriage reading the Evening News. He gingerly turned to the back page and fixed his eyes on the crossword. His eyes scanned the clues and was dumbfounded to note that the first clue was a reference to "drinks enjoyed with surgical implements used by ships doctors whist viewing crime TV".

His train pulled in to his home station and he disembarked at a speed of knots as his feet strode towards the corner shop and the cobalt mannequins. 

He was almost out of breath as he reached the shop fronts and without missing a stride he pushed the door open and entered the shop. As he entered he was greeted by  old Octavius who held a huge surgeons razor in his left hand together with two severed ears in his right hand. As a scream  flooded from his dry cracked lips, he turned to notice that the five cobalt mannequins were seated at a nearby table, their necks swiveled at a 45 degree angle  as they stared directly in to Kram Toille's reddened eyes. 

It was only then that Kram remembered the argument he had with his wife and child earlier that morning when he was shaving with the antique cut throat razor that he had inherited from his great grandfather, Todd Sweeney, many years earlier.  He further remembered slashing the ear and throat of his daughter as the clung to his legs crying for her doll, and then leaping at his wife's neck, slashing her throat from ear to ear and slicing her left ear off and sticking it in her mouth as he shouted at the top of his voice  "you cant hear me now can you, you bitch, leave me alone to sing in to the mirror and get ready for work.. Hi ho Hi ho.....".

Back in the shop he slumped to the ground as the cobalt mannequins slowly surrounded him and raising their razors above their steely blue bodies, fell upon his body ripping his flesh and body to shreds.

The next day the street was blocked off with regulation police tape, as the local constabulary investigated the vicious murder of Kram's wife and child. As the day dragged on, a bored policeman strolled up the road and turned left at the intersection and glanced in to the window marvelling at the realism of the five cobalt blue mannequins and the blue stained, man sized leather hide, stretched out between them, secured at each corner by the vice like grip of the mannequins red stained hands.

Standing in the other window was Mr Octavius Willender hurriedly preparing a set of mannequins in what appeared to be a scene from a prison cell, with a hangman's rope hanging from the ceiling. As the policeman turned and returned to his spot on the pavement outside Kram Toille's residence he failed to notice that the figures in the second window were clothed in police uniforms and that the face of the mannequin directly below the rope had facial features amazingly similar to his own............................