WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK CHARD?

WHY DIDN'T THEY ASK CHARD?

It was a mystery to all those left....! 

Why in god's name wasn't Chard asked for his opinion ? It was not as if it was too complex  a question for him to contemplate, even though it was not within the bound of his normal field of excellence. 

A simple reference to Chard may have saved many lives and resultant collapse of civilisation. Quantum theory is not everyone's cup of tea of course, but Chard was fully aware of the implications of ignoring its basic, if complex, theorem. 

The Outer Hebrides had survived most of the subsequent terror and destruction, but was still a bleak and unhospitable place to be in mid-February. 

PYTHAGORAS THEOREM DEBUNKED BY DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

PYTHAGORAS THEOREM DEBUNKED BY DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

In an astonishing statement, the “mathematical, spiritual and subutteo” sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap society have confirmed that they have no confidence in the mathematical rule known as  “Pythagoras Theorem”  and have removed all  reference to it from its published literature. 

Acting President and Chairman, “Dave the Duck” has revealed that after consulting various works by Julius Caesar, Attila the Hun, Confucius, Adolf Hitler and Galileo, former president and chairman “Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif” has come to the conclusion   that Pythagoras, allegedly long considered an alcoholic by Bohemian scholars, was drunk at the time he postulated his theory, and that there are in fact four sides to a triangle and not three, and should in fact be known as a quadrangle.

Driver Chard further bases his obtuse opinion on the fact that when viewed through a micron telescope, under the right conditions a fourth angle can be briefly viewed through smoked and scratched lenses after consuming sufficient narcotics and trance inducing frog slime. He also unconvincingly states that he has also allegedly repeated his tests utilising the Hubble Space Telescope, and has obtained the same results.

Driver Chard has support for his new theory from ex-refuse collector and failed karaoke singer, “Ray the Dust”. This corpulent, ageing and height deficient duo are ably supported to a lesser degree, by “Bazza the Gravedigger”, “Pepe Le Puke”, “Mad Mick the bet” and “Gary the Under-writer”. 

  

However, “Dave the Teach” and his fellow northern agitator, military hard –man and Falklands War veteran “Basher Hurley”, fervently disagree with the new theory put forward by their fellow brethren. 

“Little-Legs Parks” views in the matter have not been sought due to his continued incoherence brought on by a continuing debilitating bout of “Mad Albert Disease”, and to date, the “Deaf Club” and “Nick-Nick” have had nothing to say in the matter.

Their disagreement has allegedly resulted in a split at the debating table and unsubstantiated reports state that Dave the Teach has placed himself in self-imposed exile at a location believed to be in the south of France. Basher Hurley has himself been in a self-inflicted imbibing exclusion zone for a number of months and conducts all meeting remotely by way of sign language, incoherent gurgling, farting, burping and lip reading.

The executive and full committee of the society are to debate this complex matter with the “Imbibing and hard sums” sub-committee of the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG) in a few weeks and a further report will be posted in due course. 

In the interim period, there will be no talk of Pythagoras at the debating tables of both the DFCS and BLOG, and this will be harshly endorsed by the acting Chairman and President of the DFCS and the current "Whip-Holder General" of BLOG.  

Further updates in due course.

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

MAD PAT - FLU VICTIM

Leaked reports allegedly emanating from the "Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology" state that a highly virulent strain of flu has been identified in North West London and the surrounding hinterland of Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire.

The strain has allegedly been named "Bohemian Flu" due to its first victims being members of The "Bohemian League of Gentlemen", a secret society who are sworn to secrecy but are known to inhabit various public house located near to the stations of the Metropolitan Line, part of the London Underground railway system.

The strain is known to attack the central nervous system of its victims and eventually works its way to the frontal lobe of the brain. It then secretes hormones that attack the neurons that serve the optical, vocal and balance function of the brain.  In this respect it is expeditiously virulent when mixed with alcohol, and its victims can easily be mistaken to be inebriated and strikingly off their heads.

LES - VICTIM OF MAD ALBERT DISEASE

If left untreated it is alleged that its victims will loose all sense of reality and will slowly retreat it to a cocoon like state that closely resembles the final stages of the incurable "Mad Albert Disease".  

Acting on behalf of the Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology, the Duck Flat Cap society have been  instructed by the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG)  to conduct further experiments on their brethren so as to further investigate this debilitating strain of flu, and it is hoped that by studying infected members an effective form of immunisation can be discovered.

RAY THE DUST - LAZYITOUS VICTIM

It is hoped that previous studies in to the incurable disease known as "Mad Albert Syndrome" will assist the medical and imbibing sub-division of the DFCS in finding the cure to this virulent killer.



The sub-section will be headed up by Driver Chard who will be assisted by Ray the Dust who is himself still recovering from a perniciously virulent bout of  "Lazyitous syndrome" combined with minor "Mad Albert Disease".

 If Ray the Dust is unable to assist Driver Chard he will be assisted by Pepe Le Puke, who's soiled underpants were previously proven to be a contagious carrier of Mad Albert Disease, and is therefore inoculated against the most virulent strains of these diseases.

Further reports will be submitted in due course.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

After an extraordinary meeting of the imbibing and procrastinating sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS), Driver Chard has been expelled from his long held Presidency and Chairmanship.

The octogenarian authoritarian has been dismissed from his duel capacity after a series of  unforced errors at the debating table and a number of instances of insulting behaviour towards fellow committee members.

The final straw being an unprovoked attack on Bazza the Gravedigger which left the silver haired cemetery gardener frothing with rage and indignity, as he was forced from his seat to accommodate the late octogenarian.

After a swift vote, Little Legs Parks was temporary voted in as acting Chairman and President, but his reign was short lived, as after two consecutive days without attending the debating table, he was summarily dismissed to be unanimously replaced by Chelsea Dave Duck.

However, Driver Chard refused to hand over the chains of office and after a scuffle involving a dozen beer mats, an unfurled umbrella and three pints of best bitter, both returned to their seats with a red faces and scowls.

In view of this incident Chelsea Dave the Duck was temporarily released from his position only to be reinstated the following day, after an unparalleled and unopposed vote of the combined imbibing, procrastinating and victuals full committee.

At present the acting President and Chairman remains Chelsea Dave the Duck, although at a further extraordinary meeting to be held 18 July 2015, the  proposition that the roles are to be permanently split will be put to the full vote, with the exclusion of the cantankerous silver haired octogenarian Driver Chard who has been banned from all future committee activity.



Further details will be posed in due course.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

33 1/3 DAYS OF CHARD

33 1/3  DAYS OF CHARD

Leaked papers from the secret files of the Duck Flat cap Society have revealed that acting Chairman and President, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has declared that he is to direct, produce and star in a live production of “50 Days of Chard”.

The show which is semi-autobiographical will be based in the North African desert where driver Chard was based during his teenage years as a National Service conscript. 

 It will allegedly detail a period in the octogenarian’s life when he bedded numerous local shepherd girls and the entire population of a tented Bedouin village on the outskirts of Port Said.  It is also speculated that a pregnant camel, a shy bugle boy and a small herd of goats were also the object of the young and lovelorn driver’s affection.  

The leaked papers and memorandums also allegedly detail a scandalous plot to set himself up as a local potentate and claim the title of “Pasha Chard, last Pharaoh of the two kingdoms and a camel called Bob”.  

Documents are reported to state that Pasha Chard’s residence was to be constructed within the Pyramid complex on the Giza Plateau and to incorporate the Sphinx, which was to be remodelled so as to bear the face of Driver Chard with a pint of best bitter raised to his mouth. 

 

 When the Duck Flat Cap Society were approached by a representative of the Bohemian league of Gentlemen, their response was that Driver Chard had been compiling his memoirs for a number of  years and in collaboration with Ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley a script was in progress. 

 

The spokesman further revealed that Gravedigger Bazza and failed ladies man and part time karaoke singer Ray the Dust were involved with the production. However they denied that the diminutive Pepe le Puke was to play either the Bugle boy or the pregnant camel. 

The Director is believed to be Dave the Duck, although an alternative source has quoted northern spokesman and Bolshevik agitator Dave the Teach is also in the running.

 Little legs Parkes has also been sidelined due to recent appearance's at court relating to unsavoury dwarf throwing incidents in the far east.

In a further remarkable twist, it is believed that Driver Chard is to be relieved of all interest in his project due to recent bouts of "Mad Albert" disease which has rendered him unable to fulfill his dual roll at the society whist parading about the Duck in the Pond public house in full Fulham FC football kit, stockings and suspenders whilst smoking a clay pipe and singing La Marseillaise.

Further details will be released when available.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE BOHEMIAN ACCELERATOR AND LOST FOLIO OF THE BARD

THE BOHEMIAN ACCELERATOR AND LOST FOLIO OF THE BARD

At a recent meeting of the science and imbibing sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, it was announced that documents have been obtained by the “Wenceslas Institute of Biochemistry and the advancement of Imbibing”, that reveal  a long lost accelerator that can speed the rate of consumption when quaffing substantial amounts of alcoholic beverages. 

The long lost scroll was allegedly found with a missing folio of Shakespeare’s works in a Prague library by researchers looking in to the early life of King Igor Johannes Chardoslas, a distant relative of the Duck Flat Caps current President and Chancellor, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff.

The document allegedly describes how to prepare a poisonous tincture of Olive oil, Myrrh, lavender oil, dried crushed nasal hair, iodine and the tears of a bison, mixed with a solvent. The solvent can apparently be vinegar, glycerol or ether. The scroll goes on to allegedly describe that the Tincture is then strained through the perforated bladder of a deceased alcoholic geriatric spinster, and added to the chosen alcoholic beverage ,which can then be consumed in the normal manner, but at an accelerated speed.

The “Wenceslas Institute of Biochemistry and the advancement of Imbibing” have extended their dire warning that this Tincture is not to be consumed in any measure due to its high toxicity.  It also warns all readers of their press release and this Blog that due to its toxic nature, the ability to consume alcoholic beverages faster after adding the Tincture to the drink have not, and cannot be proven. 

This warning to not attempt to consume this alleged Tincture is also expressly repeated and endorsed by the author of this Blog. 

However, Driver Chard having studied the documentation has taken it upon his self, to prove the benefits of the Tincture, believing that if it is established to work, he will be able to return home from the pub prior to leaving his home, due to the accelerated nature of his imbibing.

 This he believes will enable him to resume Rumpy pumpy with Mrs Chard of El Hadj Duiff, as she will believe that he has ceased his daily ritual of consuming three pints of best bitter between 21.00 hours and 22.20 hours, thus leaving fresh for a hand of canasta and a free style frolic before last post.

A meeting of the procrastinating and imbibing toxicity select sub committee is to question Driver Chard as to the results of his proposed experiment at the end of the month, and a further report will be posted in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

 

"DRIVER CHARD" IN REFERENDUM UPROAR - IN , OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT !

"DRIVER CHARD" IN REFERENDUM UPROAR - IN , OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT !

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has caused a constitutional uproar at the Duck Flat Cap Society by demanding a plebiscite on the future of the fabled Duck Flat Cap Society.

Encouraged by the recent protestations of the Scottish National Party (SNP) for full independence from the United Kingdom, and the forthcoming referendum, acting President and Chairman of the DFCS, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" is insisting that the societies  membership vote on full devolution from the UK, in respect of the land and buildings held by and under the control of the DFCS and it's membership.

The cantankerous septuagenarian has long fostered a belief that the United Kingdom has let the English populace down, mainly due to his belief that the Suez crises was a disgrace to the English race, and was a cheap, badly thought out, stab in the back to the British fighting "Tommy".

DRIVER CHARD

Those familiar with these reports will be aware that Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff was stationed in Egypt during his brief military career, and that he was discharged from the service shortly before the Suez crisis.

The reason for his discharge is rarely discussed, but military records obtained by ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, reveal that he was discharged after an unsavoury incident involving a camel, an Egyptian dancing girl, and as the chard would describe, a gamp (umbrella).

The mentally unstable "Driver Chard" has continued to resent the interference of the USA in the affairs of the United Kingdom, but also fostered a strong feeling that the British government was and is too weak, and a willing pawn in the foreign affairs of the USA, whilst they strive and plan for, continued  political and monitory domination of the world.

Due to these unbalanced feelings Driver Chard has long wished that his beloved Duck Flat Cap Society" would succeed from the United Kingdom, and form an independent state, named "The Republic of  Duckwych".

The name "Duckwych"  being borrowed from "Dragonwych", one of Driver Chard's favourite films staring his hero and fantasy male role model, Vincent Price.

Driver Chard's stance has been discussed by the "DFCS", and the "Imbibing and sovereignty" sub committee have decided that it is not appropriate for a referendum to take place until the mental stability of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" has been fully established.

This is to be achieved by at least three independent medical doctors conducting a full test of his mental agility and stability, and an appropriate affidavit confirming the Chard's healthy state of mind, signed by  his legal attorney together with an independent lawyer appointed by the "Legal and Litigation" sub section of the DFCS, namely "Arthur J Fukrudden & Co - solicitors to the landed gentry". 

At present, it is unlikely that the appropriate documents will be forthcoming, as at recent meetings of the full Duck Flat Cap Society, as acting president and chairman, "Driver chard" has taken to wearing a 1947 Fulham FC football kit together with a fake copy of the Victoria Cross and other medals obtained in his brief military career as a 1st class driver.

This regalia is topped off with a black top hat perched on his greying head, and a pair of black and white spats on his lower legs and feet.

This sad misbehaviour is further enhanced by his handing out to the remaining committee members, a collection of fading signed photographs of failed Karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative "Ray the Dust", in a number of compromising positions, mainly with the diminutive and overweight fellow dust cart operative "Pepe Le Puke".

RAY THE DUST

The authenticity of the photographs are not doubted, as similar seedy shots were uncovered during "Ray the   Dusts" recent fall from grace in to his own personnel mental trough , following his dismissal from the Karaoke circuit and associated  pub singing underworld, so vicariously loved by the overweight and ageing Lothario.

The negatives are currently being investigated by "Dave the Teach" and northern compatriot " Basher Hurley", to see if they can be  reproduced for the next  issue of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" periodical - "Flat Caps, Deerstalkers and other headgear".

The next edition is due in the early spring, and will be edited by "Chelsea Dave the Duck", who will assisted by "Bazzer Duck" who will provide an article entitled "Grave digging and coin collecting in the 21st century".

BAZZA DUCK


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

However, returning to "Driver Chard", his ability to sink three pints of real ale has not diminished, so all is not lost, and a full mental recovery may be forthcoming. Therefore all further activity regarding the proposed plebiscite is to be postponed until further notice.

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

An extraordinary find was exposed during a recent archaeological dig at  the "Three and a Half Men" public house in North West London.  

Excavations in the sixteenth century former coaching inn’s basement, have unearthed a soiled pair of undergarments supposedly discarded by “Caratacus”, a first century British chieftain of the Catuvellauni tribe who led the British resistance to the Roman conquest of Britain.

The stained underpants were discovered in a sealed brass container, with a Pig Latin inscription describing the contents as having been discarded by the chieftain after an unfortunate accident whilst imbibing vast quantities of honeyed Meade at a Catuvellauni camp site adjacent to the present location of the public house.     

Also enclosed with the soiled garments was an ivory drinking horn made of Boars tusk, and a deer skin flat cap inscribed in Brythonic with the name Caratacus and a line drawing of his flaccid membership.  

The project to explore the basement and cellar of the "Three and a Half Men" was headed by Professor Hillary Hildegarde Chard, a distant relation of Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society. 

Driver Chard had obtained funding for the dig by selling his collection of antique black and white editions of “Lady boy Frolics”, old Fulham FC programmes, and donating his body to science for the advancement of scalp therapy and hair replacement theory.

The Dig was headed by “Barry the Gravedigger” who advanced his services for no more than a daily allowance of three pints of lager and a packet of crisps, with the occasional free go on the Golf machine. He was ably assisted by failed ladies’ man and part time refuge collector “Sick note Ray the Dust”, the diminutive” little legs Parkes”, the pint sized overweight “Pepe Le Puke” and ex-military hard man and sexologist “Basher Hurley”.

Driver Chard main objective was to uncover the fabled lost tunnel that connected the "Three and a Half Men" with the near bye restaurant and Bar, located a couple of hundred meters away at the base of the adjacent steep hill.

This tunnel was also believed to be interconnected with the allegedly previously discovered tunnel running between the pubs and Bentley Priory, home of RAF "Fighter Command" during the Battle of Britain during World War 2.

Returning to the soiled undergarments bequeathed by Caratacus, local antiquarian “ Loafington Smythe”, believes that they are associated with the Roman encampment located at nearby Brockley Hill, where it is known that British tribal forces, led by Queen Boadicea, pursued the Roman Legions after the sacking of Colchester and London, prior to advancing to St Albans and the further destruction of Roman property and settlements.

It has been postulated by Professor "Loafington  Smythe", that after an earlier skirmish at Brockley Hill preceding the  Boadicean  revolt, Caratacus and a few of his cohorts escaped across the hilly ridge that now separates Hertfordshire from what was to become Middlesex, and found  refuge in a hovel that stood adjacent to an encampment, and located where the "Three and a Half Men" now stands.  Having reached the relative safety of the encampment they began to drink copious amounts of alcohol until they passed out soiling their undergarments as the strain of battle descended in to the oblivion of deep drink induced slumber. 

The other Britons under garments being of inferior quality quickly rotted in to oblivion, but the pants of Caratacus, being a gift from Boadicea, were of sufficient quality to survive until  found by a roving Monk during the middle ages who stored them in a brass box for posterity, and revered them as a religious relic. 

The Monk went on to found a Monastic brewery that eventually developed in to the present Public House and the revered relic remained interred in the basement / cellar until unearthed by the intrepid expedition by the Duck Flat Cap Society.

More details to be released in due course when Carbon Dating has provided a definitive date for the soiling of the Pants.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020