BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

MAD PAT - FLU VICTIM

Leaked reports allegedly emanating from the "Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology" state that a highly virulent strain of flu has been identified in North West London and the surrounding hinterland of Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire.

The strain has allegedly been named "Bohemian Flu" due to its first victims being members of The "Bohemian League of Gentlemen", a secret society who are sworn to secrecy but are known to inhabit various public house located near to the stations of the Metropolitan Line, part of the London Underground railway system.

The strain is known to attack the central nervous system of its victims and eventually works its way to the frontal lobe of the brain. It then secretes hormones that attack the neurons that serve the optical, vocal and balance function of the brain.  In this respect it is expeditiously virulent when mixed with alcohol, and its victims can easily be mistaken to be inebriated and strikingly off their heads.

LES - VICTIM OF MAD ALBERT DISEASE

If left untreated it is alleged that its victims will loose all sense of reality and will slowly retreat it to a cocoon like state that closely resembles the final stages of the incurable "Mad Albert Disease".  

Acting on behalf of the Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology, the Duck Flat Cap society have been  instructed by the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG)  to conduct further experiments on their brethren so as to further investigate this debilitating strain of flu, and it is hoped that by studying infected members an effective form of immunisation can be discovered.

RAY THE DUST - LAZYITOUS VICTIM

It is hoped that previous studies in to the incurable disease known as "Mad Albert Syndrome" will assist the medical and imbibing sub-division of the DFCS in finding the cure to this virulent killer.



The sub-section will be headed up by Driver Chard who will be assisted by Ray the Dust who is himself still recovering from a perniciously virulent bout of  "Lazyitous syndrome" combined with minor "Mad Albert Disease".

 If Ray the Dust is unable to assist Driver Chard he will be assisted by Pepe Le Puke, who's soiled underpants were previously proven to be a contagious carrier of Mad Albert Disease, and is therefore inoculated against the most virulent strains of these diseases.

Further reports will be submitted in due course.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

THE PANTS OF CARATACUS

An extraordinary find was exposed during a recent archaeological dig at  the "Three and a Half Men" public house in North West London.  

Excavations in the sixteenth century former coaching inn’s basement, have unearthed a soiled pair of undergarments supposedly discarded by “Caratacus”, a first century British chieftain of the Catuvellauni tribe who led the British resistance to the Roman conquest of Britain.

The stained underpants were discovered in a sealed brass container, with a Pig Latin inscription describing the contents as having been discarded by the chieftain after an unfortunate accident whilst imbibing vast quantities of honeyed Meade at a Catuvellauni camp site adjacent to the present location of the public house.     

Also enclosed with the soiled garments was an ivory drinking horn made of Boars tusk, and a deer skin flat cap inscribed in Brythonic with the name Caratacus and a line drawing of his flaccid membership.  

The project to explore the basement and cellar of the "Three and a Half Men" was headed by Professor Hillary Hildegarde Chard, a distant relation of Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society. 

Driver Chard had obtained funding for the dig by selling his collection of antique black and white editions of “Lady boy Frolics”, old Fulham FC programmes, and donating his body to science for the advancement of scalp therapy and hair replacement theory.

The Dig was headed by “Barry the Gravedigger” who advanced his services for no more than a daily allowance of three pints of lager and a packet of crisps, with the occasional free go on the Golf machine. He was ably assisted by failed ladies’ man and part time refuge collector “Sick note Ray the Dust”, the diminutive” little legs Parkes”, the pint sized overweight “Pepe Le Puke” and ex-military hard man and sexologist “Basher Hurley”.

Driver Chard main objective was to uncover the fabled lost tunnel that connected the "Three and a Half Men" with the near bye restaurant and Bar, located a couple of hundred meters away at the base of the adjacent steep hill.

This tunnel was also believed to be interconnected with the allegedly previously discovered tunnel running between the pubs and Bentley Priory, home of RAF "Fighter Command" during the Battle of Britain during World War 2.

Returning to the soiled undergarments bequeathed by Caratacus, local antiquarian “ Loafington Smythe”, believes that they are associated with the Roman encampment located at nearby Brockley Hill, where it is known that British tribal forces, led by Queen Boadicea, pursued the Roman Legions after the sacking of Colchester and London, prior to advancing to St Albans and the further destruction of Roman property and settlements.

It has been postulated by Professor "Loafington  Smythe", that after an earlier skirmish at Brockley Hill preceding the  Boadicean  revolt, Caratacus and a few of his cohorts escaped across the hilly ridge that now separates Hertfordshire from what was to become Middlesex, and found  refuge in a hovel that stood adjacent to an encampment, and located where the "Three and a Half Men" now stands.  Having reached the relative safety of the encampment they began to drink copious amounts of alcohol until they passed out soiling their undergarments as the strain of battle descended in to the oblivion of deep drink induced slumber. 

The other Britons under garments being of inferior quality quickly rotted in to oblivion, but the pants of Caratacus, being a gift from Boadicea, were of sufficient quality to survive until  found by a roving Monk during the middle ages who stored them in a brass box for posterity, and revered them as a religious relic. 

The Monk went on to found a Monastic brewery that eventually developed in to the present Public House and the revered relic remained interred in the basement / cellar until unearthed by the intrepid expedition by the Duck Flat Cap Society.

More details to be released in due course when Carbon Dating has provided a definitive date for the soiling of the Pants.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

“PEPE LE PUKE” AND “MICKY GOOD BOY INCE” IN ASYLUM FARCE

“PEPE LE PUKE” AND “MICKY GOOD BOY INCE” IN ASYLUM FARCE

Peripheral members of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Pepe Le Puke and Micky Good Boy Ince, have astounded members of the “Sanctuary, Asylum and Procrastination” sub committee by requesting sanctuary within the debating rooms of the society.

Their request is believed to be in response to threatened legal action instigated by the management of a Benidorm Hotel recently frequented by the dynamic duo whilst on a recent fact finding trip for the society.

It is alleged that Pepe Le Puke attempted to visually molest a chambermaid whilst he lay naked on his bed reading a copy of “Refuge and Dustcart Weekly”. This action was facilitated by Good Boy Ince attempting to photograph the incident with his mobile phone. The photo was not taken due to Good Boy Ince having to adjust the manual zoom to view Pepe Le Pukes equipment, thus allowing the startled chambermaid to make good here exit from the festering den of iniquity.

Pepe Le Pukes original defence that he had hung a "Do not disturb" notice about his appendage has been dismissed by all parties as it is acknowledged that he has insufficient length for the notice to be securely secured to his manhood.

Further action was not taken at the time, due to the chambermaid breaking in to a fit of giggles when remembering Pepe Le Pukes shriveled appendage.

However, days later under hypnosis and electromagnetic cranial therapy, she declared her wish for the local police to press multiple charges of harassment, exhibitionism, nudity with intent to defraud, fraudulent indecency and visual molestation, against the overweight "fun boy two".

Acting chairman and president of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has declared his distaste of the sordid and comical claims made against the corpulent duo, and as with other recent miscreants, has suspended their membership until their innocence can be proven or Asylum granted.

A hearing before the “Sanctuary, Asylum and Procrastination” sub committee has been arranged for 21.00 hours on Friday 5^th July and failed karaoke singer and part time refuse collector “Ray the Dust” has agreed to legally represent the duo at the hearing.

 Ray the Dust will be assisted by “Dave the Teach” and Little Legs Parks at the proceedings, who will stand in for the Dust when his endemic narcolepsy sets in and he falls asleep whilst debating the “fun boy two’s” innocence.

 

“Dave Duck” and “Games keeper Barry” will be acting on behalf of the prosecution, pressing to annul any asylum request, having allegedly received a wedge of euros from an associate of Benidorm’s notorious “Sticky Vicky”, who allegedly has a long running feud with the defence councils “Ray the Dust”. 

Driver Chard has retained the services of solicitors “Barron, Bullard and Brown” and Barristers “Loaf, Buff and Yard” in case the council for the defence, led by Ray the Dust, is unsuccessful and the asylum request goes to the court of appeal.   

Further details of the asylum request will be detailed in due course.