THE DUCK HUNTER

THE DUCK HUNTER

 
 Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has astonished the members of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" and in particular the ruling elite of the "Central Council", by claiming that the society was engaged in highly classified "Black projects" in south east Asia during the French Indochina crisis and the Vietnamese war.

The geriatric octogenarian warmonger claims that when he was seconded to the Egyptian secrete service during his military service, he was asked to assist the British , American and Egyptian high command in their top secrete operations to understand Soviet and Chinese intentions in the strategic North East area of Africa.

During these briefings Driver Chard let it be known to the High Command that he was a member of the Duck Flat Cap Society that for scores of years had kept close links with the British military installations located at Bentley Priory and Stanmore Park in Harrow and Wealdstone / Stanmore area of North West London.
 
 RAF Bentley Priory was a non-flying Royal Air Force station near Stanmore in the London Borough of Harrow. It was famous as the headquarters of Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain and the Second World War.
Little known to the public, a series of tunnels and passages linked the Bentley Priory buildings to the nearby Stanmore Park barrage balloon post , where the tunnels were further linked to the Duck In the Pond public house and HQ of the Duck Flat Cap Society.

As previously reported on theses pages Winston Churchill was allegedly known to traverse these dark passages so that he could delight his taste buds with a couple of pints of best British Bitter, via a secure door that opened in to the beer cellar of the Duck In the Pond.

 It was during one of these secretive visits that a young Driver Chard allegedly encountered Winston enjoying a pint of Best whilst drawing on a twelve inch cigar whilst reading the minutes of the last Duck Flat Cap Society "Imbibing, spying and procrastinating" sub committee board meeting. This encounter led to unconfirmed reports that the British Prime Minister becoming a fully paid up member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, although his membership was kept secrete until revealed a number of years ago by Driver Chard.

This link between the D.F.C.S and the  the military was forged ever closer during the final years of world war 2, and the Korean conflict, with agents being supplied to infiltrate the drinking establishments of enemy cities throughout occupied Europe and eventually the far east.  It was via this link that Driver Chard was able to reveal to the various high commands in North Africa that he had the means to enable closer relations with the French by assisting with their operations in Indochina.

The initial response was to  parachute several agents in to Annam and Cochinchine, who were strategically trained to be able to consume a minimum of twenty pints of stout, best bitter or larger at a sitting.

 Due to the French influence in the areas being infiltrated,  particular brands of French larger had been mad available to the agents to ensure that excess gas intake would not detour them from there intended mission of debilitating the imbibing military elite of the targeted areas by engaging in prolonged bouts of boozing with targeted officers.

Operations were successful during the French engagement but as history shows, there general military weakness and ineffective government eventually led to the French evacuation of Indochina and the establishment of individual states.  

In time the USA intervened in the area to try and stop a domino effect of increasing Communist control, as the Chinese equipped Viet Cong and others, tried to overthrow the legitimate governmental successors to French Colonial rule.  As the American involvement grew, so did the undercover operations of the Duck Flat Cap society, with new operatives being dropped in to strategic military positions, especially those to be targeted for Napalm attacks.

The agents were also specially trained in the subtle art of "Russian Roulette", although it s true to recount that a number of operatives were lost after an unfortunate indecent at the training base in  Bisley, when brandy was substituted for best bitter in a back room game of "Chicken".

Operations continued for a number of years, but during the late 1960's the availability of agents began to drop off, as the need for alcohol petered out among younger recruits to the D.F.C.S, mainly due to the uptake of marijuana and a clamp down of drinking and driving leading to less clientele at the  pubs and bars of England.

Eventually, the Ruling Council of the "Military and Procrastinating" sub committee decided to withdraw from Vietnam, and if you view the news footage of the last helicopter escaping from  Saigon, you can just make out the portly figure of  agent "Dust" forcing his way to safety.

Further details will be posted after Driver Chard has recovered from his latest bout of Mad Albert disease.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

"BABEL BABBLE" ZOMBIE CONTAGION - DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TO TAKE ACTION AS AFFLICTION INFLICTS LONDON

"BABEL BABBLE" ZOMBIE CONTAGION  - DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TO TAKE ACTION AS AFFLICTION INFLICTS LONDON

  
A debilitating affliction is currently sweeping London and other English metropolitan areas, and is particularly effecting the large proportion of those who choose to travel by public transport.

It seems to mainly attack those who are not of an Anglo Saxon or Celtic ethnic background, although ethnic British may not be excluded in totality, and consists of an overwhelming need to shout loudly and hurriedly in to a Mobile telephone using a language that is unfamiliar to those who are native to these Islands, whilst wildly gesticulating with outstretched arms and waving hands, and occasionally gurgling, spitting and clucking.




It usually manifests itself on the upper levels of London Transport buses and can continue for at least 20 minutes without interruption. It also seems to effect the bodily functions of those afflicted as arms and heads are often seen to wave around in a Zombie like uncontrolled manor, whilst the mobile babble continues in in full uninterrupted flow.
  
A severe attack can render the vocal tracts of an offender unusable and result in a frustrated growl and hiss occasionally interposed with sounds that sound suspiciously like "innit" and "hesaid shesaid".

However, none of these outbursts have been scientifically proven, and may just be excessive wind evacuating the bodies of those attempting to communicate their thoughts to the unfortunate initiator or receiver of the call. 

Driver Chard , acting Chairman and Life President of the Duck Flat Cap Society has formed a select subcommittee to investigate the confusing babble inflicting the capitals transport system under the code name "Operation Chaucer",  and has appointed ex military hard man and sexologist "Basher Hurley" to command expeditions in to the hinterland of London Transport and Network Rail.

 It is the belief of the aging Chairman and President, that this infliction is the result of a pestilence released by agents of the French and German equivalents of the CIA and MI5, in an attempt to pursued the British public to canvass for closer political and financial Union with the EU. He is unable to give a solid reason for his beliefs , but is sure that the countries traditional enemies are bound to be behind the debilitating, although occasionally titillating, explosion of baffling sounds on the nations transport systems. 

Basher Hurley will be assisted in his commando raids by failed karaoke singer and part time Dust Cart operative "Ray the Dust" and the diminutive "Little Legs Parks" who is tasked with infiltrating rush hour transport dressed as a school child, so as to monitor playground gibberish in an attempt to cut it out the incomprehensible babel at source, if indeed it is not caused by a pestilence unleashed by agents of the EU.

Green-keeper "Bazzer Barry" will also accompany the commandos so as to discount and dismiss any inclusion of incomprehensible "Cockney" speech, from the groups written reports of "Babel babble" that will be eventually submitted to Driver Chard and the "Operation Chaucer" Sub Committee .

So,if traveling on a London Transport Omnibus or indeed the Underground Tube, please do not become annoyed or upset by the cacophony of speech spilling from the pathological lips of the afflicted, but feel sorry for them, turn away, count to ten,and and count yourself lucky that you have not fallen foul of this cruel and debilitating disease.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT 2013

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT 2013

Kram Toille was tired.

He had arisen early that morning to go fishing and had travelled a long way for that enjoyable experience.The modern car made the journey relatively simple, although the traffic was at times frustrating.

Returning in the evening, and on reaching his comfy suburban home, he had quickly bathed and after checking his E Mails, watching television with his partner and eating his dinner, had fallen asleep in the armchair.

He awoke with a start at approximately 4.30am in the morning, the room was dark and strangely unfamiliar. A strange mouldy smell enveloped his nostrils and he strained to view the dark room ahead of him. Both hands pushed down on the arms of the chair so as to propel his body on to his tired legs.

Immediately he noticed that the arms of the chair were unusually cold and hard, rather than the expected cushioned warmth of the modern upholstering.

Startled, he ran his hands back across the arms only to be shocked that they were fashioned from cold, hard wood!.

His eyes started to adjust to the lack of light and he was drawn towards a flickering image to the end of the room.

Unsure if he was dreaming, he stumbled towards the light source and quickly noticed that it was the remains of a candle that had just about extinguished its supply of wax, and was about to go out.

Kram Toille frantically searched for the rooms walls and electric light switch, so that he could reveal the contents of the room.
However this was to no avail, and after stumbling about running his sweaty hands along the walls, he reached a rough curtain that he hoped covered a small window or opening in the wall.  

  

He pulled the curtain aside to reveal a truly unbelievable vista.
In the far distance the sun was starting to rise against horizon of gently rolling hill covered in deciduous forest.

    
He closed his eyes and blinked. 

What was going on !!!!

Kram Toille was born in 1959 and lived in a 1930's semi detached house, on a suburban road in “Betjeman’s” celebrated metro land.

The nearest countryside was a couple of miles away, but there in front of him was a truly rural landscape.

In the near distance was an old thatched cottage with a cottage garden surrounding the building. Next to this property were a farm house and an old barn, with its doors open revealing bundles of hay strewn about the building.

Other rural buildings were dotted about the scenery, although the majority of Krams view was that of idyllic countryside.

  

Kram rubbed his eyes and turned round to view the room with the benefit of the sunlight starting to enter the premises through the small windows. He was staggered to view the contents of the room which reminded him of a vintage Victorian photograph published in a historical magazine.

The floors of the room were wooden with a small rug in front of the open fireplace. A small wooden chair was at angle beside the hearth, and the chair that Kram had earlier risen from was on the opposite side of the fire.

The walls were covered in simple hessian wallpaper, and a sepia photograph of Queen Victoria, and her extended family hung above the fire place. 

Pushed up against the wall were a small wooden table and two simple stools. The table was uncovered, apart from a small Bible which had a leather book mark wedged in to its pages.

On the floor next to the table was small copper coin and Kram stretched down to pick it up. Having recovered the coin he quickly noticed that it was a gleaming new Victorian penny, with a portrait of Queen Victoria on the reverse and the date 1870 stamped on the base.

Kram stared at the coin and was amazed at its quality. He had collected coins as a child and had indeed owned many old Victorian pennies. However, he had never seen one in such fine condition. He quickly placed the coin in his pocket and continued to scan the room.

Kram’s head was spinning as he quickly motioned towards the door so as if to escape from this hopefully imagined nightmare. As he passed through the opening he slipped and fell hard, smashing his head against the cold wooden flooring in the hallway.

All was quite as Kram lay there, his breath easing to a gentle intake of musty damp air, and his eyes tightly shut.

Kram awoke some three hours later with thumping headache, and the thought of his Victorian odyssey flooding through his terrified brain.

He slowly opened his eyes expecting to see the floor and walls of the dingy building that he had slipped and fell in some hours earlier, but was amazed to see familiar furnishings in his own hallway. He quickly rose from the ground and opened the front door.

His head thrust through the open portal and he was greeted with the familiar view of his normal suburban surroundings, the cars parked in the street, the post box at the end of the road, and his neighbour’s cat strolling across his front garden. 

Completely bamboozled, Kram moved to his kitchen, switched the electric kettle on and sat on a wooden stool. He strained his memory trying to remember the events that had earlier befallen him, and he soon dismissed the complete episode as a strange, but very vivid dream. 

As he sat on the stool his nose began to run and he placed his hand in to his trouser pocket to retrieve a tissue. His hand entered his pocket and immediately touched a cold small object.

His hands quickly retrieved the object and Kram shivered in disbelief as he held a brand new, mint condition 1870 Victorian penny in his hand. 


To be continued...….

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CLAIM ROCKS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CLAIM ROCKS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Klaus Von Jhugffieler of "The Martin Bormann school of Mastication and spoon bending" has astounded the Duck Flat Cap Society by claiming that he has documentary evidence that implicates Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif in the assassination of President Kennedy.

The documents allegedly confirm that on November 22nd 1963 Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, was located at the book depository on the corner at Dealey Plaza.

The documents had allegedly been hidden within a large volume of witness statements and unpublished photographs held by the former KGB and stored within the Kremlin archives in Moscow. The documents were originally collected by undercover soviet agents who were present at the time of the assassination posing as traffic police, tourists and caretakers at the book depository.

The alleged statements contained within the faded documentation, talk of a short stout  man, aged approximately 30 and prematurely greying, acting strangely at the side entrance to the depository and appearing to take notes with a stubby HB pencil in a shiny new Woolworth's herald square notebook. 

Further more, he spoke with an English accent, and smoked British branded unfiltered cigarettes, whilst whistling God save the Queen.


The man was dressed in baggy flannel trousers and a loose fitting checked sports jacket, that reportedly had the stock of a semi automatic rifle sticking out of it.  

The jacket was specifically remembered by Howard Howie Hughes Junior the 3rd, who described the breast pocket being emblazoned with the name "Chard" and the initial "F.F.C" being the initials of Fulham Football Club, Driver Chard's beloved English soccer team. 

The witness continues that after striking up a conversation with the  English gent , they began to discuss the grassy knoll across the road from their position and the little fence that ran across the area adjacent to and behind the greenery. 

The discussion quickly moved to Golf, with the Englishman trying to guess the distance from the road to the fence by the grassy knoll, as if assessing a nine iron chip on to the green.  After a couple of minutes they agreed on a distance and the information was quickly scribbled in to the note book. 

A further witness,named in the documents as Leroy Fur-burger Senior, states that the very same gentleman placed his trilby upon his thick head of hair and crossed the road before settling on the grassy knoll to eat a marmite sandwich.

 He then remembers that with some amazing agility, the man vaulted over the picket fence using the "Western Roll" and stood with his head peering back over the fence towards the road and book depository.

 He could reveal no more as he was asked to move by a state trooper as the presidents cavalcade was approaching.  However, as history sadly reveals, within minutes the President of the USA was dead and the mystery of those who shot him had started.  

At a recent meeting of the "Assassination and Procrastinating" subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the evidence of Driver Chard's implication in the greatest and most debated and mysterious murder of the 20th century were put to him by Dave the Teach and Dave the Duck.

Upon hearing the accusations, Driver Chard revealed that indeed he was at Dealy Plaza at the time if the assassination, but that he couldn't remember if he was involved in the plot due to a recent bout of gout, originally contracted from a camel in the Egyptian desert during National Service with the British Armed Forces, and continued biliousness brought on by repeated quaffing of best British bitter and the consumption of  three hundred pounds of out of date potato snacks. 

After considerable debate, it was agreed to "pay off" Klaus Von Jhugffieler of "The Martin Bormann school of Mastication and spoon bending" with a Duck Flat Cap Society pension and destroy the evidence recently unearthed in the Kremlin's archives.

In this respect, any attempt to use this article as evidence against the societies revered acting President and Chairman will prove pointless, as all the evidence has been consumed by Ray the Dust and Pepe Le Puke, who are bulking up for this years world "Sumo wrestling" championships. 

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020