RAY THE DUST IN SUMO SENSATION

RAY THE DUST IN SUMO SENSATION

RAY THE DUST

Failed Karaoke singer and  former part time Dust Cart operative, "Ray the Dust", has surprised his family and friends by revealing that he is in training to be Great Britain's sole entrant in next years World Sumo Games.

The somnambulist pub singer has been progressively gaining weight for a number of years, due to his excessive eating habits and total lack of exercise. 

These factors have been exaggerated by his consumption of gallons of alcohol, including all kinds of ales, beers and spirits.

RAY THE DUST

 
The recent bout of progressive gout, brought on by the Dusts rich and unhealthy diet, did nothing to slow down his progressive fall in to obesity, although it did once again give the work shy "Dust", another opportunity to abstain from work.

It should be noted that recent lapses by "Ray the Dust" in to incoherent gobbledygook, followed by placing a handkerchief on his head , are a by product of the gout reacting with his under the counter erectile deficiency medication.
 

  

The Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) have recently obtained reports from a trusted ex council employee, who was dismissed for working to hard, that confirm that during a short period over a summer, he shadowed the ageing failed crooner, whilst he drove his dust cart throughout the streets of Harrow.

 His observations are as to be expected, and confirm that the overweight failed Karaoke singer has been in secret training for the Sumo fest for the last 12 months, consuming three times his body weight on a daily basis.

 
His high fat diet has included a daily routine of three full English breakfasts and 12 rounds of toast prior to starting his part time shift as a refuse executive and 15 big macs with fries at tea break. This excessive breakfast and mid morning snack, is then followed by  a selection of evening roast beef and lamb meals, and numerous ice ream and fudge deserts.

Each of these meals is also followed by the staple Dust diet of Beer , Cider and spirits. Finally, before he retires to his reinforced bed, a snack of beef dripping sandwiches and full fat milk, is consumed.

The DFCS has also obtained further evidence that the recent collapse of the Dusts Karaoke and Pub singing activities have effected the mind set of the apprentice Sumo wrestler, and this has manifested its self in a recent outbreak of "Pub rage" when the Dust assaulted his fellow garbage operative, Pepe Le Puke . 

The ageing but bulky Dust threw his full body weight at his diminutive colleague, resulting in the unlucky Pepe Le Puke having to use all his agility and guile to avoid a full blow from the outraged Dust.

The Dust was soon calmed down by Big "Red" Malcolm who rapidly took control of the situation by boring the Dust with conversation about how Liverpool could still win the Premier League title together with the FA cup. It is worthy to note at this point that Big "Red" Mal is also believed to be in training for the Sumo Fest, but these reports are unconfirmed to date. 

The DFCS is to interview the Dust at the earliest opportunity to gain confirmation of these events, and it it is confirmed that the Dust is to represent Great Britain at next years event, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif and Bazza the Gravedigger have proposed that a levy be place on the monthly membership subscriptions so that additional food can be purchase to enable the Dust  to continue to bulk up to the required critical mass for the event.

Further details will be published here in due course.  





 

NEANDERTHAL MAN STALKS THE DUCK

NEANDERTHAL MAN STALKS THE DUCK

Reports of the demise of Neanderthal Man are widely exaggerated.

The species is alive and well and spread throughout European and British society. A recent incident at the Duck In the Pond has yet again brought the unsavoury truth about these muscular dim witted proto Homo Sapiens.

The Duck Flat Cap Society were holding their regular monthly  meeting when Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff noted a strange looking character sitting in  a seat adjacent to the meeting table. The muscular figure of a somewhat squat figure was bent over the small table in front of him, sipping the contents of his pint of stout without the use of his large hairy hands.

The contents of the glass were drained in a matter of seconds, and soon he was again shuffling across the floor towards the bar. At the bar the strange figure gestured towards the bar staff and placed the flat of his hand on the bar opposite the beer engines. His face was pointed towards the floor and his head was covered by a large balaclava type hat and mask. After grunting at the bar staff a new pint of stout was soon placed in front of the troubled humanoid, and grasping the glass with both hands, he shuffled back to his seat.

The seat was positioned at the far end of the room, adjacent to an open fire that flickered against the hunched creatures dark face. Driver Chard had by now brought the unfortunate figure to the attention of the fellow Duck Flat Cap Society, and it was soon being whispered that the "Pikies" were back in town.
"Dave the Duck" was certain that a new contingent of sub normal foreign immigrants had been installed at the hostel next door to the pub, whilst others, including ex military hard man and sexologist "Basher Hurley" and grave digger "Barry Duck", were just feeling uncomfortable.

"Dave the Teach" was feeling particularly uneasy as he remembered a similar incident when he was teaching in Ulan Bator, in Outer Mongolia. The exchange visit to Mongolia was meant to be an experience to out do all other exchange trips, but ended up being a period that the professor had tried to forget for many years. It is commonly believed that Neanderthals were restricted to Europe and the middle east, but recent research in to mitochondrial DNA has revealed that the Neanderthals roamed at least 1,500 miles further east than their accepted range.

Indeed, fossil evidence has been uncovered as var east as southern Siberia and the Altai area, which is adjacent to north west Mongolia.   It was one of these supposedly extinct creatures that "Dave the Teach" believes he discovered in his bed after a heavy night on the local drink "Kumis" that is made from distilled mares milk. His last recollection of the evening was returning to the room with a local mongoloid maiden, and then waking in the early hours to find that he was in bed with a hairy, stoop shouldered, muscle bound hag. After discussing the event with local peasant's he was soon advised that he had had an encounter with a Neanderthal cross breed that is the result of an ethnic Mongolian mating with a surviving Neanderthal.   

This sad event has left the professor with a severe aversion to small hairy people, and back in the duck on the unfortunate night detailed above, the sight of the hunchbacked imbiber next to his seat was to  much for him and soon he was plotting with Basher Hurley to eject the throwback from the pub.
At that precise moment a further Neanderthal like creature staggered in to the Duck and shuffled across to the dark figure seated in front of the flickering open fire.

DAVE THE TEACH

The Duck Flat Cap Society members were astonished at this occurrence and were soon on their feet anticipating trouble. Indeed, seconds later a third creature slowly trudged in to the bar. This was to much for Dave the Teach, who immediately slung his body at the new interloper so as to throw him to the ground. Basher Hurley followed suite and was soon grappling with the two remaining hobbits.

It was at this moment that an epiphany struck the DFCS members. Standing bolt upright against the bar, Driver Chard, spittle dribbling from his purple lips, shouted " its Ray the Dust !" as the ex karaoke singer and eternally injured Dust cart operative rolled on to his back revealing his huge stomach, filthy face and dyed hair. It soon became apparent that his fellow Neanderthal struggling to regain movement to his body was no other than "Pepe Le Puke" Ray the Dusts refuse collecting colleague. Finally the third entity revealed his face, and to the surprise of the writer, it was Richard "Doctor" Theodosius Doyle.

RAY THE DUST

The three ageing men all have injuries to their feet, legs or knees, are all short and overweight, and have muscular stumpy arms and hands. The illusion of a Neanderthal entering the premises all to easy to understand once a true description of this drunken muscular trio of less than usual height, is revealed.    

Apparently the pair of dust cart drivers were attending their Christmas party in wembley park when they ran in to Dr Doyle in the Green Man public house. Soon the drinking got out of hand and the three stooges exited the pub looking for food and entertainment of a sexual nature. However, before getting any further than the pub garden, they had fallen in to an argument and a flaying fists soon followed.

All three fell flat on their faces, and staggered across the muddy lawn adjacent to the car park, and were soon falling about in the refuse area, which was strewn with old food and rotting vegetables. The drunken roustabouts then staggered towards the roadway and after hailing a black cab had returned to the only pub that the dust could remember.     

PEPE LE PUKE

The DFCS soon regained their composure and escorted the rambling trio from the pub, leaving them to dry out under the garden umbrellas.

Further details of their eventful night will be released as soon as the police release them from custody.

THE BEARD OF QUETZALCOATL

THE BEARD OF QUETZALCOATL

Recent research by the "Duck Flat Cap Society" Anthropological sub section has uncovered new evidence to support European habitation of south America hundreds of years earlier than currently believed. 

Indeed the Incan people of Peru and the surrounding hinterland believed that the conquistadors who invaded shortly after Columbus's, supposed discovery of the America's, were incantations of "Viracocha", a local God who like the invaders were lighter skinned and more hirsute than the indigenous natives.

Further more, the Aztecs who were the first peoples to be subjugated by the invading Spaniards, were convinced that the bearded light  skinned invaders were sent by their God Quetzalcoatl due to their beards and skin colour.

The documents, that have been discovered at the Madrid based "Castillian Institute of Spanish subjugation and Conquest" by the Duck Flat Cap Societies archivist, Dave The Teach, indicate that the south American land mass was originally colonised by white bearded Welshmen from St Davids in south west Wales.

These Welshmen were accompanied by a number of Irish Monks who had obtained sanctuary in the south of Wales after being alienated by the Norman Invaders who were destroying their Irish homeland during their ruthless conquest of Ireland. 

The documents were handed to Dave the Teach by a respected Professor "Hans Liederhousen" with whom "Dave The Teach" had shared a research facility with when teaching at the "Swiss school of Inebriation and Crossword compilation" in Berne.

 
They had taught at the school for eighteen months until an unsavoury incident involving a telescope, a sixth form fashion student and a fondue set, led to their joint dismissal.

Dave the Teach obtained the documents when visiting the professor at a safe house in the south of France, and verification of the authenticity of the papers was conducted by "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff", who accompanied the Teach on his trip to the flesh pots of southern France.  The duo were further accompanied by  former hard man and sexologist, Basher Hurley, who was in charge of  security and bordello investigation.

After intensive study of the previously hidden parchments, it was clear to the Teach and Driver Chard that they were not forgeries and that the obvious conclusion was that Welsh And Irish peasants, together with a number of Monks, crossed the Atlantic in primitive coracle designed ships, reaching eventual landfall on the south American coast.

Using the knowledge that the Monks had obtained and  preserved in ancient parchments, together with hand written gold inscribed books of Religion, they managed to grow sufficient crops to survive and create a viable society that eventually disappeared as inter marriage with natives dissolved their hair colouration and skin tone.

Indeed, it is believed that a quarrel resulted in a few of the adventurers leaving the main group, and travelling to North America, where after intermarrying with local native Indians, established a colony of Welsh speaking creoles, who linguists believe to still exist, to this day.

Returning to South America, it is now clear to the Duck Flat Cap Society that the natives who witnessed the arrival of the light skinned, and bearded Welshmen, believed them to be Gods who had emerged from the great eastern sea.

When the Conquistadors attacked the native peoples of the continent hundreds of years later, they believed that the bearded Gods had returned to relieve them from the continued struggle against draught, pestilence and famine, brought on by El Nino.

Indeed , Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has been so effected by these discoveries that he now insists that fellow members of the Duck Flat Cap Society must now address him by the title of "Quetzalcoatl, when a session of any committee is in session.

It has been pointed out to him that he is neither Welsh, Irish or a God, but will not desist from his wish to be known by his new title. Members have agreed, but will not refer to him as "El Presedente" as also suggested. This resulted in the temporary seizure of Driver Chard, with the associated foaming at the mouth, but he soon recovered and accepted this minor covenant.   

Further research is to be conducted by the DFCS and a further report will be issued in due course.