Reports of the demise of Neanderthal Man are widely exaggerated.
The species is alive and well and spread throughout European and British society. A recent incident at the Duck In the Pond has yet again brought the unsavoury truth about these muscular dim witted proto Homo Sapiens.
The Duck Flat Cap Society were holding their regular monthly meeting when Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff noted a strange looking character sitting in a seat adjacent to the meeting table. The muscular figure of a somewhat squat figure was bent over the small table in front of him, sipping the contents of his pint of stout without the use of his large hairy hands.
The contents of the glass were drained in a matter of seconds, and soon he was again shuffling across the floor towards the bar. At the bar the strange figure gestured towards the bar staff and placed the flat of his hand on the bar opposite the beer engines. His face was pointed towards the floor and his head was covered by a large balaclava type hat and mask. After grunting at the bar staff a new pint of stout was soon placed in front of the troubled humanoid, and grasping the glass with both hands, he shuffled back to his seat.
The seat was positioned at the far end of the room, adjacent to an open fire that flickered against the hunched creatures dark face. Driver Chard had by now brought the unfortunate figure to the attention of the fellow Duck Flat Cap Society, and it was soon being whispered that the "Pikies" were back in town.
"Dave the Duck" was certain that a new contingent of sub normal foreign immigrants had been installed at the hostel next door to the pub, whilst others, including ex military hard man and sexologist "Basher Hurley" and grave digger "Barry Duck", were just feeling uncomfortable.
"Dave the Teach" was feeling particularly uneasy as he remembered a similar incident when he was teaching in Ulan Bator, in Outer Mongolia. The exchange visit to Mongolia was meant to be an experience to out do all other exchange trips, but ended up being a period that the professor had tried to forget for many years. It is commonly believed that Neanderthals were restricted to Europe and the middle east, but recent research in to mitochondrial DNA has revealed that the Neanderthals roamed at least 1,500 miles further east than their accepted range.
Indeed, fossil evidence has been uncovered as var east as southern Siberia and the Altai area, which is adjacent to north west Mongolia. It was one of these supposedly extinct creatures that "Dave the Teach" believes he discovered in his bed after a heavy night on the local drink "Kumis" that is made from distilled mares milk. His last recollection of the evening was returning to the room with a local mongoloid maiden, and then waking in the early hours to find that he was in bed with a hairy, stoop shouldered, muscle bound hag. After discussing the event with local peasant's he was soon advised that he had had an encounter with a Neanderthal cross breed that is the result of an ethnic Mongolian mating with a surviving Neanderthal.
This sad event has left the professor with a severe aversion to small hairy people, and back in the duck on the unfortunate night detailed above, the sight of the hunchbacked imbiber next to his seat was to much for him and soon he was plotting with Basher Hurley to eject the throwback from the pub.
At that precise moment a further Neanderthal like creature staggered in to the Duck and shuffled across to the dark figure seated in front of the flickering open fire.
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| DAVE THE TEACH |
The Duck Flat Cap Society members were astonished at this occurrence and were soon on their feet anticipating trouble. Indeed, seconds later a third creature slowly trudged in to the bar. This was to much for Dave the Teach, who immediately slung his body at the new interloper so as to throw him to the ground. Basher Hurley followed suite and was soon grappling with the two remaining hobbits.
It was at this moment that an epiphany struck the DFCS members. Standing bolt upright against the bar, Driver Chard, spittle dribbling from his purple lips, shouted " its Ray the Dust !" as the ex karaoke singer and eternally injured Dust cart operative rolled on to his back revealing his huge stomach, filthy face and dyed hair. It soon became apparent that his fellow Neanderthal struggling to regain movement to his body was no other than "Pepe Le Puke" Ray the Dusts refuse collecting colleague. Finally the third entity revealed his face, and to the surprise of the writer, it was Richard "Doctor" Theodosius Doyle.
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| RAY THE DUST |
The three ageing men all have injuries to their feet, legs or knees, are all short and overweight, and have muscular stumpy arms and hands. The illusion of a Neanderthal entering the premises all to easy to understand once a true description of this drunken muscular trio of less than usual height, is revealed.
Apparently the pair of dust cart drivers were attending their Christmas party in wembley park when they ran in to Dr Doyle in the Green Man public house. Soon the drinking got out of hand and the three stooges exited the pub looking for food and entertainment of a sexual nature. However, before getting any further than the pub garden, they had fallen in to an argument and a flaying fists soon followed.
All three fell flat on their faces, and staggered across the muddy lawn adjacent to the car park, and were soon falling about in the refuse area, which was strewn with old food and rotting vegetables. The drunken roustabouts then staggered towards the roadway and after hailing a black cab had returned to the only pub that the dust could remember.
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| PEPE LE PUKE |
The DFCS soon regained their composure and escorted the rambling trio from the pub, leaving them to dry out under the garden umbrellas.
Further details of their eventful night will be released as soon as the police release them from custody.
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