GYROSCOPES AND THEIR MANY USES
FROM THE PEN OF LOAF AND HORSE
A GYROSCOPE
MAY BE PLACED TO THE TEMPLE IN HOT WEATHER TO AID SLEEPING.
AGREED, SIR
TUFTON WOMPUMFISH THE HARDLY KNOWN AMAZON EXPLORER ONCE TOOK A GYROSCOPE ON HIS
EXPEDITION INTO THE BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST ,IT TOOK 14 BEARERS TO CARRY IT
DISASSEMBLED AND THEN 4 WEEKS TO REASSEMBLE IT.
ONCE IT HAD BEEN PUT TOGETHER HE LEFT IT OUTSIDE HIS TENT TO AID HIS SLEEP BUT IT BLEW HIM AWAY AND HE WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
ONCE IT HAD BEEN PUT TOGETHER HE LEFT IT OUTSIDE HIS TENT TO AID HIS SLEEP BUT IT BLEW HIM AWAY AND HE WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
IN UPPER SILESIA, IS STILL USUAL TO SEE A
RECENTLY MARRIED COUPLE KISSING WITH A PAIR OF GYROSCOPE'S BALANCED ON THEIR
SHOULDERS AS THEY WALK THROUGH THE VILLAGE ON THEIR WAY TO THE MARITAL BED.
THE ORIGINAL
ABORIGINAL PEOPLE OF WESTERN AUSTRALIA THOUGH ALLEGEDLY FOND OF FIREWATER,
HAD DEVELOPED A GYROSCOPE MADE ENTIRELY OF WOMBAT SHIT, IT OF COURSE DID NOT
WORK BUT THEY WERE EXTREMELY DRUNK.
DURING THE 2ND WORLD WAR, IT WAS QUITE COMMON TO SUBSTITUTE MISTLETOE
FOR A GYROSCOPE AT XMAS, AS MISTLETOE WAS USED BY THE HOME GUARD TO PROTECT
THEIR SECRETE BASES FROM NAZI ATTACK. IT WAS THOUGHT THAT IF THE HUNS INVADED
THEY WOULD HALT UNDER THE MISTLETOE TO HAVE A QUICK SNOG, AND AT THAT VERY
MOMENT OUR BRAVE HOME GUARD WOULD SHOOT THEM! HOWEVER, THE GYROSCOPE WAS
RESPONSIBLE FOR MANY ACCIDENTS AS IF IT STOPPED SPINNING IT WOULD FALL ON THE
UNSUSPECTING SMOOCHERS HEADS.
AN ANCIENT
GYROSCOPE THOUGHT TO BE OVER FIVE THOUSAND YEARS OLD HAS ALLEGEDLY RECENTLY BEEN
DISCOVERED IN THE GRAVE OF A CARRY ON ACTOR . HE WAS ALLEGEDLY EXHUMED ON
THE ORDERS OF A WELL KNOWN ACTRESS WHO IT IS BELIEVED WON THE GYROSCOPE FROM AN INEBRIATED ACTOR IN A GAME OF STRIP POKER ON THE SET OF CARRY ON CAMPING.
IT IS ALLEGED THAT HE STOLE THE "SCOPE" FROM THE ACTRESS WHILST SHE WAS IN A TENT WITH A NUMBER OF OTHER WELL KNOWN CARRY ON ACTORS SMOKING HEMP.
IT IS ALLEGED THAT HE STOLE THE "SCOPE" FROM THE ACTRESS WHILST SHE WAS IN A TENT WITH A NUMBER OF OTHER WELL KNOWN CARRY ON ACTORS SMOKING HEMP.
IT HAS BEEN
PROVEN BY CHINESE SCIENTISTS THAT A WELL PLACED GYROSCOPE PLACED ON THE UPPER
LIP OF A CORPSE CAN REVIVE THE BODY SUFFICIENTLY TO ENABLE SEXUAL CONGRESS TO
TAKE PLACE. IT IS RUMOURED THAT A CHINESE EMPEROR HAS BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY
TWO STRATEGICALLY PLACED GYROSCOPES, ONE ON HIS LIP AND ONE ON HIS PUBIC REGION,
SO THAT HE COULD MATE WITH AN OLD SCHOOL ACTRESS WHO HAD BEEN BORROWED FROM THE BIG
BROTHER HOUSE. THE CHIMERA IS DUE TO BE DELIVERED BY GYROSCOPIC SECTION WHEN
BIG BROTHER IS OVER.
TOP SECRET
PAPERS RECENTLY LEAKED FROM NASA HAVE REVEALED THAT ASTRONAUTS ALLEGEDLY DISCOVERED A
GYROSCOPE ON THE SURFACE OF THE MOON IN 1969, AFTER SOME STRUGGLE AND WITH A
LOT OF HELP FROM COMPANIONS THE SCOPE WAS BROUGHT ABOARD THE LUNAR MODULE AND
EVENTUALLY BACK ON BOARD APOLLO 11.
HOWEVER OBVIOUSLY BEING MADE OF MOON CHEESE THE GREEDY PAIR SCOFFED IT ON THE WAY BACK AND NO TRACES WERE LEFT.
HOWEVER OBVIOUSLY BEING MADE OF MOON CHEESE THE GREEDY PAIR SCOFFED IT ON THE WAY BACK AND NO TRACES WERE LEFT.
GYROSCOPE
UPPING IS THE ANNUAL CENSUS OF GYROSCOPES IN THE COUNTIES OF MIDDLESEX, SURREY,
BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, BERKSHIRE AND OXFORDSHIRE.
THIS HISTORIC CEREMONY DATES FROM THE TWELFTH CENTURY, WHEN THE CROWN CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES AND TOY SPINNING TOPS.
AT THAT TIME GYROSCOPES WERE REGARDED AS MYSTICAL AND FEARED BY THE GENERAL POPULATION.
IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT THAT THE CROWN RETAINS THE RIGHT TO OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES WITHIN THE UNITED KINGDOM, BUT THE MONARCH ONLY EXERCISES HIS OR HER OWNERSHIP ON CERTAIN OCCASIONS, SUCH AS THE F A CUP FINAL.
THIS OWNERSHIP WAS ALLEGEDLY SHARED WITH THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF VINTNERS AND THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF DYERS, WHO WERE GRANTED RIGHTS OF OWNERSHIP BY THE CROWN IN THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY. NOWADAYS, OF COURSE, GYROSCOPES ARE NO LONGER USED IN THE PREPARATION OF WINE OR DYES.
THIS HISTORIC CEREMONY DATES FROM THE TWELFTH CENTURY, WHEN THE CROWN CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES AND TOY SPINNING TOPS.
AT THAT TIME GYROSCOPES WERE REGARDED AS MYSTICAL AND FEARED BY THE GENERAL POPULATION.
IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT THAT THE CROWN RETAINS THE RIGHT TO OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES WITHIN THE UNITED KINGDOM, BUT THE MONARCH ONLY EXERCISES HIS OR HER OWNERSHIP ON CERTAIN OCCASIONS, SUCH AS THE F A CUP FINAL.
THIS OWNERSHIP WAS ALLEGEDLY SHARED WITH THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF VINTNERS AND THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF DYERS, WHO WERE GRANTED RIGHTS OF OWNERSHIP BY THE CROWN IN THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY. NOWADAYS, OF COURSE, GYROSCOPES ARE NO LONGER USED IN THE PREPARATION OF WINE OR DYES.
SPINNING
TOPS ARE A SIMPLE FORM OF GYROSCOPE, AS THE SPINNING TOP IS ROTATED IT IS ABLE
TO STAND UP RIGHT WITHOUT FALLING OVER DUE TO ITS GYROSCOPIC BEHAVIOUR. THIS
BEHAVIOUR CAN BE OBSERVED IN MANY PUBLIC HOUSES AND BARS AT CLOSING TIME.
HOWEVER THE MATHEMATICS ARE MORE COMPLEX BECAUSE THE FRICTION WITH THE FLOOR CHANGES AS THE GYROSCOPE LEANS TO THE SIDE, HOWEVER A SACRED SCRIPT UNEARTHED IN MESOPOTAMIA DATING FROM THE 12 CENTURY BC DETAILS THE MATHEMATICAL THEORY IN FULL .
HOWEVER THE MATHEMATICS ARE MORE COMPLEX BECAUSE THE FRICTION WITH THE FLOOR CHANGES AS THE GYROSCOPE LEANS TO THE SIDE, HOWEVER A SACRED SCRIPT UNEARTHED IN MESOPOTAMIA DATING FROM THE 12 CENTURY BC DETAILS THE MATHEMATICAL THEORY IN FULL .
JOHANN
BOHNENBERGER (AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TUBINGEN) 'DISCOVERED' THE GYROSCOPE
(GYROSCOPE NAME WAS COINED IN 1852).
THE
ZOROASTRIAN FAITH BELIEVES THAT THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT GYROSCOPE ON THE BACK
OF A ZEBRA BEING CARRIED BY A MENSTRUAL MARMOSET BALANCED ON A PINK AND GREEN
SPACE HOPPER SUSPENDED BY AN ENORMOUS PUPPETEER STANDING ON A ROCK MADE FROM
GOATS CHEESE.
THIS IS OF COURSE A LIE, GOATS CHEESE COULD NEVER STAND THAT WEIGHT.
THIS IS OF COURSE A LIE, GOATS CHEESE COULD NEVER STAND THAT WEIGHT.
But the rest is true
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