GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.

GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.

Leopold Grolzch was a part time candelabra buffer from a small village on the outskirts of Leipzig.

He was an only child of an unholy union between a defrocked priest and the village hag. 

He had led a lonely childhood, as when he was only eight years old his mother was drowned at the local Ducking Stool by the county “witch finder general”, and his father excommunicated and exiled from the Bishopric after an unsavoury encounter with the Mayors daughters involving an unnaturally tight pair of lederhosen, a piglet and a felt pork pie hat.  

At an early age he was placed in the care of the local monastery and in particular a Franciscan friar named  Heinrich  Hasselhoff. The Monk was a seven foot giant with a pale complexion and a complicated habit of sneezing whenever  he came in to contact with another human being. However, by a strange coincidence he was immune to young Leopold Grolzch and for this reason was very fond of the child.

 Leopold was allowed to roam freely about the monastic buildings that sheltered him, and was amazed by the monastic collection of silverware and Gold that was displayed within the Treasury and adorned the heaving shelves of the chancellery. 

 

In particular he was fascinated by a trio of solid silver candelabra that sat upon the vestry. After close inspection the young Leopold noticed a small blemish on the larger of the candelabra and grabbing his shirt as a duster began to vigorously polish the silver object until it shone with the ferocity of the sun.   This action was noticed by the pallid Heinrich and soon he put him to work buffing and flossing the entire monastic collection of silverware and gold.

Included in these treasures were gilded Gaelic interpretations of the Celtic migration from their original homeland in south western Gaul, impressed upon sheets of velum and embroidered with gold and silver leaf. This evidence being of particular interest due to the continuing belief by scholars that the Celts originated in the region between southern Germany and northern Austria.

Over the following years, the young Leopold grew in to a fine young man with a love of polishing and buffing. However, remembering his roots he was appalled that the treasures he vigorously buffed and polished four times a day were only on display for the religious elite and that the secular populous were unable to gain pleasure from the shining metallic hoard festering within the monastic compound. 

Thus at that moment, Leopold began to hate both the religious bureaucrats that had collected and horded the silver and golden collection, and the priests and monks who tangibly benefited from the luxurious booty available within church and monastic buildings.

 His hatred was further fostered by the memory that his father was a defrocked Priest and that he had violated the young daughter of the town’s Mayor with his tight fitting lederhosen and felt pork pie hat. 

However, he only felt sorrow for the piglet.

Fueled with anger, Leopold Grolzch hunted down his albino  benefactor and strangled him with a pair of lederhosen he had discovered in the Monasteries brewery, and systematically went about murdering the remaining religious occupants of the holy house using a red hot poker and sharpened candelabras, whilst wearing the same lederhosen that had strangled Heinrich, and a Felt pork pie hat soaked in pigs blood. 

With the incumbents of the monastic house now slain, Leopold strode purposely from the building and mounting the largest available Porker trotted to the village where he encountered the Mayor and Witch finder general.   After a stand-off lasting approximately thirty seconds, the Mayor and Witch finder agreed to abide by a solemn oath that the silverware and gold of the monastic settlements within the jurisdiction of the Bishopric of Leipzig would only be buffed and polished by secular serfs and midget gentiles.

Furthermore, they were not connected to the church via any relative or distant family member, and that religious families and that those taking holy orders would be excluded from such duties until the seventh seal was broken and Armageddon devoured the world's population and destroyed the realms of the earth.

After obtaining this oath, Leopold returned to his village hovel, retaking possession of his hovel  from the village’s present hag and retired to a lonely life of bell buffing, until he died of buffers elbow at the tender age of twenty two.  

Thus was the life of Leopold Grolzch.