GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.
Leopold Grolzch was a part time candelabra buffer from a
small village on the outskirts of Leipzig.
He was an only child of an unholy union between a defrocked
priest and the village hag.
He had led a lonely childhood, as when he was only eight
years old his mother was drowned at the local Ducking Stool by the county
“witch finder general”, and his father excommunicated and exiled from the
Bishopric after an unsavoury encounter with the Mayors daughters involving an
unnaturally tight pair of lederhosen, a piglet and a felt pork pie hat.
At
an early age he was placed in the care of the local monastery and in
particular a Franciscan friar named Heinrich Hasselhoff. The Monk was a
seven foot giant with a pale complexion and a complicated habit of
sneezing whenever he came in to contact with another human being.
However, by a strange coincidence he was immune to young Leopold Grolzch
and for this reason was very fond of the child.
Leopold was allowed to roam freely about the
monastic buildings that sheltered him, and was amazed by the monastic
collection of silverware and Gold that was displayed within the Treasury
and adorned the heaving shelves of the chancellery.
In
particular he was fascinated by a trio of solid silver candelabra
that sat upon the vestry. After close inspection the young Leopold
noticed a small blemish on the larger of the candelabra and grabbing his
shirt as a duster began to vigorously polish the silver object until it
shone with the ferocity of the sun. This action was noticed by the
pallid Heinrich and soon he put him to work buffing and flossing the
entire monastic collection of silverware and gold.
Included
in these treasures were gilded Gaelic interpretations of the Celtic
migration from their original homeland in south western Gaul, impressed
upon sheets of velum and embroidered with gold and silver leaf. This evidence being of particular interest due to the continuing belief by scholars that the Celts originated in the region between southern Germany and northern Austria.
Over
the following years, the young Leopold grew in to a fine young man with
a love of polishing and buffing. However, remembering his roots he was
appalled that the treasures he vigorously buffed and polished four times
a day were only on display for the religious elite and that the secular
populous were unable to gain pleasure from the shining metallic hoard
festering within the monastic compound.
Thus at
that moment, Leopold began to hate both the religious bureaucrats that
had collected and horded the silver and golden collection, and the
priests and monks who tangibly benefited from the luxurious booty
available within church and monastic buildings.
His hatred was further
fostered by the memory that his father was a defrocked Priest and that
he had violated the young daughter of the town’s Mayor with his tight
fitting lederhosen and felt pork pie hat.
However, he only felt sorrow
for the piglet.
Fueled with anger, Leopold
Grolzch hunted down his albino benefactor and strangled him with a pair
of lederhosen he had discovered in the Monasteries brewery, and
systematically went about murdering the remaining religious occupants of
the holy house using a red hot poker and sharpened candelabras, whilst
wearing the same lederhosen that had strangled Heinrich, and a Felt pork
pie hat soaked in pigs blood.
With the incumbents of the monastic
house now slain, Leopold strode purposely from the building and mounting
the largest available Porker trotted to the village where he
encountered the Mayor and Witch finder general. After a stand-off
lasting approximately thirty seconds, the Mayor and Witch finder agreed
to abide by a solemn oath that the silverware and gold of the monastic
settlements within the jurisdiction of the Bishopric of Leipzig would only
be buffed and polished by secular serfs and midget gentiles.
Furthermore, they were not
connected to the church via any relative or distant family member, and
that religious families and that those taking holy orders would be
excluded from such duties until the seventh seal was broken and
Armageddon devoured the world's population and destroyed the realms of the earth.
After
obtaining this oath, Leopold returned to his village hovel, retaking
possession of his hovel from the village’s present hag and retired to a lonely life of
bell buffing, until he died of buffers elbow at the tender age of twenty
two.
Thus was the life of Leopold Grolzch.
Irina Pindelech was an unfortunate spinster from Sopat, Poland, who although biologically a female, bore an uncanny resemblance to Adolf Hitler.
