SOURCE OF “MAD ALBERT DISEASE” TRACED BACK TO THE MITRE !

SOURCE OF “MAD ALBERT DISEASE” TRACED BACK TO THE MITRE !


Recent joint research conducted by the "Medical Committee" of the “Expanding Waste band Society” and the "Consumption committee" of the “Duck flat cap society” has resulted in controversial evidence that links the original source of “Mad Albert Disease” to the sadly missed Mitre public house.

The origin of the highly debilitating disease has allegedly been traced to a pint of Double Diamond or Long Life, purchased in the Mitre by the semi illiterate and partially insane flat cap wearer,“Mad" Albert Benfield.

“Mad Albert” being a regular of the Mitre from the late 1940’s until his death in the early 1980’s is believed to have imbibed the fateful Double Diamond or Long Life whilst watching his double jointed wife engage in a spot of improvised ballet dancing and gymnastics on a sunny Saturday afternoonn.

During the war Mad Albert was a regular soldier in a division of the North African Desert Rat Regiment, almost fully populated by Mitre Regulars, and known as the “ Fully Mechanised Imbibing Division” .It is believed he picked up Bilharzia disease whilst bathing in the Nile, and this combined with the currently unknown toxin allegedly picked up in the Mitre, resulting in the onset of Full Mad Albert Disease within 48 hours.

It is locally allegedly rumored that an additive may have been added to Mad Albert's beverage by a member of the triumvirate comprising of Kenny Gammon, Mark Penfold and Markie Mullins, although this is highly unlikely as they would have been fully occupied with their usual vocation of trying to kick the shit out of each other.

It is also alleged by other witnesses, that on the first occasion that poor "Mad Albert Benfield" convulsed to the malevolent strains of the disease named after him, the large and generously proportioned "Big Ian" was seated on his normal stool and witnessed the whole event.

As usual, "Big Ian" had consumed his normal lunchtime quota of 12 pints of strong cider, and therefore can be considered to be of sound mind and no way impaired by excess alcohol. The alleged rumours are that he noticed a dishevelled figure skulking by the gents, who was seen to exhale his stinking breath fully in to the the face of Old Mad Albert, just prior to his first convulsion. Further more, it is alleged that this person was "Ted the Barman", who was soon to become a long time if dishevelled barman at the Mitre.

It should also be reported that many other regulars of the Mitre began to show the early signs of "Mad Albert Disease" in particular the happy but mad as a brush, "Phil the tweak Baxter". The back flipping, flaxen haired barbarian considered it unusual if he had not tweaked the nipples of every male person in the pub, by closing time. In view of the new evidence regarding Mad Albert Disease" it is now apparent that he may well have been suffering from the very early stages of the debilitating affliction.

Further investigations are being conducted by the various committee's of the "Expanding Waste Band Society" and the "Duck Flat Cap Society", and future reports will be posted here.