THE RETICENCE OF EVIL

THE RETICENCE OF EVIL

The room was quite and still. 

The bed in the corner of the room was empty although not made up. The cotton sheets were soiled with blood and urine, and with the rooms windows bolted shut, the air in the room was dank and acrid. The stale air leaving the unlucky occupant of the stinking pigsty wanting to retch.

As the door swung open the encroaching occupant pulled his handkerchief to his mouth attempting to stifle the puke and phlegm flowing from his mouth, nose and throat. 

He surveyed the scene making a mental note of the objects in the room and the total lack of any home comforts. The floor of the cell like space was uncovered, with the floor boards stained with urine and body fluids.

He pulled his mobile phone from his jacket pocket and started to take photographs with it camera application. As he focused the light sensitive lens across the room he suddenly felt a cold rush of air against his neck, and simultaneously fell forward as if kicked forcefully in the back of his legs. As he fell forward he swivelled his neck to grab a glimpse of wispy figure twisting and turning away from his line of sight.

 As he concentrated on focusing his fading vision of the assailant that had knocked him to the floor, he felt a stinging and crushing pain to his spine as a dead weight drilled in to his back. His head smashed on to the stained floor boards as his failing lungs exhaled a spume of blood and carbon dioxide.

 The floor directly below his prostate body cracked as the old wooden flooring cracked through the force being applied by the vicious assailant assaulting the prone figure, who was now unconscious and surrounded by his own sweat, phlegm and blood. His bowels had also failed and a putrid mess spread from the bulging crease in the rear of his beige slacks.   



Hours passed passed and day had turned to night as the aching and stinking body recovered consciousness. Pulling his blood and shit stained body to his feet, he lifted his head and tried to focus his bloodstained eyes on the cracked mirror on the far wall.

As Pepe strained to recognise his own countenance, the door swung open and a large overweight woman, aged about sixty five yelled at the stumbling figure

"I've told you before about not cleaning your room you little shit. Now start cleaning yourself up and change those sheets you stinking little fucker. And stop taking photos to show your friends that i don't clean the room you lying little prat".   

The startled figure stood shivering in the centre of the room, his bladder releasing an orange trickle of piss down his bloodied leg

"Yes mum" came Pepe's tearful reply and he motioned for his mother to leave the room. 

 As she shut the door he tried to mouth a further sentence to his mother but the words fell silent as he thought to himself 

"have I been a good boy, Mum? or have I been bad again ?".............................










 

PAT "LVO" CANNISTER IN SHOCK BURLESQUE REVELATIONS

 PAT "LVO" CANNISTER IN SHOCK BURLESQUE REVELATIONS

Unknown to all but a handful of loyal lieutenants, ex mitorian pat "LVO" cannister has a previously undisclosed paternal cousin who is a failed burlesque lady boy.

Theobald "kitten" Cannister spent the first 30 years of his sad and lonely life working as a table cleaner in the Neasden wimpy bar and as a late night ball polisher in Ron Gross's snooker hall.

 Any additional free time was wasted attempting to seduce teenage immigrants of both sex, at the Welsh Harp open space.

 Indeed he was involved with the local police on numerous occasions after visiting the desolate watery expanse, but was also often interviewed by the constabulary after visiting the local odeon cinema.

As a young man he expressed a keen interest in motorcycles and could often be seen having discussions with oily greasers and leather clad bikers, and ultimately tinkering with the timing chains and throttles in the showroom opposite the snooker hall.

As time passed, the awkward imbecile turned to frequenting the seedy side of Soho and soon became a regular at a number of strip joints. He was occasionally partnered by Pat "LVO" Cannister on this trips to London's sex capital, and indeed on more than one occasion the venue was chosen for the sexual libations of "LVO".  

Before long, Theobald "Kitten" Cannister was frequenting Burlesque bars where he began to show a particular liking to their seedy strip act. After one such encounter, "Kitten" proceeded to purchase a collection of erotic female clothing, and started to perfect his own gross Burlesque act.

 After auditioning at a number of the seedier clubs in Soho, "Kitten" was offered a slot in a bisexual review bar.

 He was initially accompanied by Pat "LVO" Cannister, who was soon working at the bar as a card man issuing calling cards to those unfortunate enough to take them from his trembling hand.  

Before long it became obvious to "Kitten" that his future lay in Burlesque, but also realised that to reach his personal goal, he was going to have to re gender himself as a "Lady Boy". A trip was soon organised to a back street unlicensed Doctor in Bradford, who arranged for the necessary injections and drugs to be taken to ensure that his breasts grew to the size required for his act. 

His manhood was to remain place as with most self respecting Lady Boys.

After a number of months "Kitten" returned to the stage only to be lambasted by the crowd, who's shifting tastes had moved on from those offered by Kitten Cannister.

 He soon moved on to selling his body, but after little success resorted to the practises and pass times previously displayed at the Welsh Harp Open Space.  


The Cannister family have tried to keep the existence of this unwelcome relative secret over the years, even denying his very existence, although his influence can be seen in the way that his corpulent cousins have enacted their own seedy lifestyles. 

After frequent run-ins with the  various local law enforcement agencies, "Kitten" emigrated to Bangkok where he continues to live to this day eking out a sad existence selling his body to American and Arab tourists. 

Further updates will be released in due course.






 

 

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN NAZI CONUNDRUM

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN NAZI CONUNDRUM

Archivists working for the Duck Flat Cap society (DFCS) have allegedly uncovered previously unknown documents linking the society with Nazi Germany. 

The documents have been discovered in a bombed out bank vault in Berlin, and are alleged to disclose details of plans for the DFCS to relocate to Germany in the event that England and the Allies lost the war.

The documents include a detailed map of greater Berlin , including the proposed modernisation of the city, to be renamed "Welthauptstadt Germania" as  proposed by Albert Speer.
 The DFCS was to have new headquarters on the banks of the River Spree near to the proposed Volkshalle, designed by Hitler himself.

 The documents are said to be held in a leather document case that also incredibly also included a faded photograph of the societies current acting Chairman and President, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff.

This sepia photograph of the ten year old Chard is remarkable in that he is dressed in the uniform of the Schutzstaffel S.S and is signed by Albert Speer. Additional photographs appear to indicate that Driver Chard spent pre-war holidays in Berlin and its environs, and that he was familiar with Albert Speer and his family.

The bundle of documents also included an ancient Egyptian artifact that had an inscription on its base, wishing Driver Chard all the best for his future and that this artifact would bring his luck during his life.

This uncanny revelation is all the more incredible when you realise that Driver Chard carried out his military service in Egypt and has often talked of the miraculous way that he always keep out of trouble whilst those about him were smitten by the rebellious Egyptians fighting for Independence and ownership of the Suez canal.

It has long been established that the fledgling Duck Flat Cap Society was brought to prominence during the Early 20th Century due to the enterprises of the Chard clan and in particular due their links with the Masons and Templar's.

It is now believed that these close links were also spread like tentacles across Europe, and in particular Germany, where Albert Speer resided in his Nazi pomp and splendour. This would indicate why the DFCS were prepared to move to Berlin in the event that they defeated the Allies in the struggle for hegemony in Europe.  

Driver Chard has been approached by the Imbibing and procrastinating subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society regarding these allegations and he has vehemently denied any link to Germany or Albert Speer.

However, he did agree that he occasionally carries a Stormtroopers Dagger with his initials engraved on to the hilt, but refuses to accept that this may link him to the Nazi's or Albert Speer.

The DFCS will continue to investigate the evidence as it unfolds in Berlin and will report its full findings in due course.

 

GYROSCOPES AND THEIR MANY USES

GYROSCOPES AND THEIR MANY USES

FROM THE PEN OF LOAF AND HORSE

Top of Form

A GYROSCOPE MAY BE PLACED TO THE TEMPLE IN HOT WEATHER TO AID SLEEPING.

AGREED, SIR TUFTON WOMPUMFISH THE HARDLY KNOWN AMAZON EXPLORER ONCE TOOK A GYROSCOPE ON HIS EXPEDITION INTO THE BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST ,IT TOOK 14 BEARERS TO CARRY IT DISASSEMBLED AND THEN 4 WEEKS TO REASSEMBLE IT.
ONCE IT HAD BEEN PUT TOGETHER HE LEFT IT OUTSIDE HIS TENT TO AID HIS SLEEP BUT IT BLEW HIM AWAY AND HE WAS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

 IN UPPER SILESIA, IS STILL USUAL TO SEE A RECENTLY MARRIED COUPLE KISSING WITH A PAIR OF GYROSCOPE'S BALANCED ON THEIR SHOULDERS AS THEY WALK THROUGH THE VILLAGE ON THEIR WAY TO THE MARITAL BED. 

THE ORIGINAL ABORIGINAL PEOPLE OF WESTERN AUSTRALIA THOUGH ALLEGEDLY FOND OF FIREWATER, HAD DEVELOPED A GYROSCOPE MADE ENTIRELY OF WOMBAT SHIT, IT OF COURSE DID NOT WORK BUT THEY WERE EXTREMELY DRUNK. 

DURING THE 2ND WORLD WAR, IT WAS QUITE COMMON TO SUBSTITUTE MISTLETOE FOR A GYROSCOPE AT XMAS, AS MISTLETOE WAS USED BY THE HOME GUARD TO PROTECT THEIR SECRETE BASES FROM NAZI ATTACK. IT WAS THOUGHT THAT IF THE HUNS INVADED THEY WOULD HALT UNDER THE MISTLETOE TO HAVE A QUICK SNOG, AND AT THAT VERY MOMENT OUR BRAVE HOME GUARD WOULD SHOOT THEM! HOWEVER, THE GYROSCOPE WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR MANY ACCIDENTS AS IF IT STOPPED SPINNING IT WOULD FALL ON THE UNSUSPECTING SMOOCHERS HEADS. 

AN ANCIENT GYROSCOPE THOUGHT TO BE OVER FIVE THOUSAND YEARS OLD HAS ALLEGEDLY RECENTLY BEEN DISCOVERED IN THE GRAVE OF A CARRY ON ACTOR . HE WAS ALLEGEDLY EXHUMED ON THE ORDERS OF A WELL KNOWN  ACTRESS WHO IT IS BELIEVED WON THE GYROSCOPE FROM AN INEBRIATED ACTOR IN A GAME OF STRIP POKER ON THE SET OF CARRY ON CAMPING.
IT IS ALLEGED THAT HE STOLE THE "SCOPE" FROM THE ACTRESS WHILST SHE WAS IN A TENT WITH A NUMBER OF OTHER WELL KNOWN CARRY ON ACTORS SMOKING HEMP.

IT HAS BEEN PROVEN BY CHINESE SCIENTISTS THAT A WELL PLACED GYROSCOPE PLACED ON THE UPPER LIP OF A CORPSE CAN REVIVE THE BODY SUFFICIENTLY TO ENABLE SEXUAL CONGRESS TO TAKE PLACE. IT IS RUMOURED THAT A CHINESE EMPEROR HAS BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY TWO STRATEGICALLY PLACED GYROSCOPES, ONE ON HIS LIP AND ONE ON HIS PUBIC REGION, SO THAT HE COULD MATE WITH AN OLD SCHOOL ACTRESS WHO HAD BEEN BORROWED FROM THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. THE CHIMERA IS DUE TO BE DELIVERED BY GYROSCOPIC SECTION WHEN BIG BROTHER IS OVER.

TOP SECRET PAPERS RECENTLY LEAKED FROM NASA HAVE REVEALED THAT ASTRONAUTS ALLEGEDLY DISCOVERED A GYROSCOPE ON THE SURFACE OF THE MOON IN 1969, AFTER SOME STRUGGLE AND WITH A LOT OF HELP FROM COMPANIONS THE SCOPE WAS BROUGHT ABOARD THE LUNAR MODULE AND EVENTUALLY BACK ON BOARD APOLLO 11.
HOWEVER OBVIOUSLY BEING MADE OF MOON CHEESE THE GREEDY PAIR SCOFFED IT ON THE WAY BACK AND NO TRACES WERE LEFT.

GYROSCOPE UPPING IS THE ANNUAL CENSUS OF GYROSCOPES IN THE COUNTIES OF MIDDLESEX, SURREY, BUCKINGHAMSHIRE, BERKSHIRE AND OXFORDSHIRE.

THIS HISTORIC CEREMONY DATES FROM THE TWELFTH CENTURY, WHEN THE CROWN CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES AND TOY SPINNING TOPS.

AT THAT TIME GYROSCOPES WERE REGARDED AS MYSTICAL AND FEARED BY THE GENERAL POPULATION.

IT’S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT THAT THE CROWN RETAINS THE RIGHT TO OWNERSHIP OF ALL GYROSCOPES WITHIN THE UNITED KINGDOM, BUT THE MONARCH ONLY EXERCISES HIS OR HER OWNERSHIP ON CERTAIN OCCASIONS, SUCH AS THE F A CUP FINAL.

THIS OWNERSHIP WAS ALLEGEDLY SHARED WITH THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF VINTNERS AND THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF DYERS, WHO WERE GRANTED RIGHTS OF OWNERSHIP BY THE CROWN IN THE FIFTEENTH CENTURY. NOWADAYS, OF COURSE, GYROSCOPES ARE NO LONGER USED IN THE PREPARATION OF WINE OR DYES.

SPINNING TOPS ARE A SIMPLE FORM OF GYROSCOPE, AS THE SPINNING TOP IS ROTATED IT IS ABLE TO STAND UP RIGHT WITHOUT FALLING OVER DUE TO ITS GYROSCOPIC BEHAVIOUR. THIS BEHAVIOUR CAN BE OBSERVED IN MANY PUBLIC HOUSES AND BARS AT CLOSING TIME.

HOWEVER THE MATHEMATICS ARE MORE COMPLEX BECAUSE THE FRICTION WITH THE FLOOR CHANGES AS THE GYROSCOPE LEANS TO THE SIDE, HOWEVER A SACRED SCRIPT UNEARTHED IN MESOPOTAMIA DATING FROM THE 12 CENTURY BC DETAILS THE MATHEMATICAL THEORY IN FULL .

JOHANN BOHNENBERGER (AT THE UNIVERSITY OF TUBINGEN) 'DISCOVERED' THE GYROSCOPE (GYROSCOPE NAME WAS COINED IN 1852).

THE ZOROASTRIAN FAITH BELIEVES THAT THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT GYROSCOPE ON THE BACK OF A ZEBRA BEING CARRIED BY A MENSTRUAL MARMOSET BALANCED ON A PINK AND GREEN SPACE HOPPER SUSPENDED BY AN ENORMOUS PUPPETEER STANDING ON A ROCK MADE FROM GOATS CHEESE.
THIS IS OF COURSE A LIE, GOATS CHEESE COULD NEVER STAND THAT WEIGHT.

Bottom of Form

TAKEOVER BID OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

TAKEOVER BID OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Corporate raiders from the middle east have outraged the membership of the fabled Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) by tabling a bid for the Society.

The bid has been  fronted by the flamboyant snuff, oil and sand potentate, Sheik Horse Ibn El Lot.
The secretive magnate has been known to London's wealthy elite for many years, after elaborately establishing his name during a hard fought battle for the control of the local snuff trade.   

The bat tle for control of the nasal additive was eventually won by the sheik by his underhand manipulation of the addictive powders supply chain. His control of the lucrative substance has been absolute ever since he established his hegemony over the snuff barons, and he has never shown any willingness to weaken his hand.

 

The substance is at the centre of his plan to purchase the Duck Flat Cap society, as he is aware that the societies national membership are addicted to the liquid version of the substance, which is sold under various pseudonym's throughout the pubs, hostelries, bars and clubs of England.    

The DFCS are in full agreement that this foul attempt to take control of  the society has to be defended at all cost.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has been appointed temporary chairman of the select subcommittee set up to defend the society from the evil grasp of the oil maddened potentate Sheik Horse Ibn El Lot.

 A full meeting of the committee is to be held within the next couple of days when it is expected that ex military hard man, travel agent and sexologist, Basher Hurley will be appointed as military adviser.


 His initial approach is expected to employ agents to infiltrate the sheiks senior command, in an attempt to discover the oil barons soft spot.

It is also believed that Bazzer Duck and failed Karaoke singer Ray the Dust will be employed as special agents, with a strategy of engaging the sand, oil and Snuff merchants colleagues and operatives with destabilising talk of the local snuff trade drying up and the price of the commodity imploding over the next few months.

Further details will be released after the proposed meeting of the subcommittee. 

RAY THE DUST IN GARBAGE INTRIGUE

RAY THE DUST IN GARBAGE INTRIGUE

Unsubstantiated reports state that the failed karaoke singer and part time garbage disposal officer, Ray the Dust, has allegedly been forcefully removed from a local government premises, after a tempestuous display of outrage linked to his failed attempt to allegedly secure garbage disposal rights at a seat of Government. 

For many years, the honour of removing garbage from a prestigious government property has been offered to the local authority’s finest operative. This, as many know, does not fit the description of Ray the Dust, due in part to his constant absence from his position because of feigned illness and injury.

As a serial abuser of privilege, The Dust has continued to receive the standard back handers from tradesmen, as local grocers and traders seek to dispose of their excess packaging.  

After a number of years this nice little earner has ceased to be as lucrative as the recession continues to take its hold, and the funds finding their way in to the Dusts pocket have been drastically dwindling.  

Therefore the overweight lovable rogue hatched a plan that involved immigrating to the USA and obtaining employment as a garbage disposal officer in Washington DC.

After preliminary investigations involving a couple of dubious visits to the seedier bars and brothels of Washington, The Dust returned to the UK to hatch his alleged plan with his diminutive buddy, Pepe Le Puke. 

  

 

News of this devious plan inevitably leaked and the Duck Flat Cap Society was advised of Ray the Dust's intentions.

The DFCS called an extraordinary meeting of the “Ethics and Procrastination” subcommittee to discuss the planned infiltration of the cities garbage disposal operation. 

 

The meeting was chaired by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff and included northern subversive and part timer brothel keeper Dave the Teach, ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley and Chelsea Dave Duck.

Also attending the meeting, although not having a vote, was Bazza Duck, who was considered too close to Ray the Dust due to his resent stint as a garbage disposal officer.

  

Driver Chard, acting Chairman and society spokesman on all matters involving a political bias or football, was empowered with special powers to call witnesses to the stand, and as such his first point of action was to suggest the issue of subpoenas, for the President and Cary Grant to attend the meeting to give evidence.

 

It was quickly pointed out to the aged Chairman that Cary Grant had been dead for many years and that the President of the USA was unlikely to attend due to important alternative engagements. 

  

However, Driver Chard, was not going to rescind his earlier proclamation that the President attends the committee meeting, but did concede that it was probably best that the deceased Cary Grant did not attend.

Unsubstantiated reports allege that he immediately proposed that Jack Klugman attended in place of Cary Grant, and again the confused Driver Chard was advised of the problems in his attendance, due to his being deceased.

After many hours wasted explaining to the purple faced chairman that his proposed attendees were dead, it was finally agreed that Pepe Le Puke would be the second witness to be subpoenaed and the appropriate papers were soon issued.

The stuttering and dribbling chairman then called for the press to be in attendance and requested that the full proceedings be broadcast live by the BBC over the wireless and relayed to the cinemas of the British Empire and Commonwealth via packet steamer and Pathe News Reel.   

Pepe le Puke was soon giving evidence to the committee and after swearing an oath on an old Tottenham Hotspurs FC programme, confirmed that he was indeed a colleague and friend of Ray the Dust, but refused to agree that he had any knowledge relating to the alleged plan to infiltrate any garbage disposal operations in the USA .

   

 

Driver Chard called for email evidence to be provided by Pepe le Puke to the subcommittee so that his claims could be confirmed.

 In defence, Pepe le Puke advised the bench that all his e mails and other electronic documents were in the hands of the civil authorities due to his alleged links to a British Sunday newspaper and the associated phone hacking enquiry.

Chairman Driver Chard now in a distressed state and stripped to his imitation fur briefs and sweat stained singlet, dismissed the diminutive corpulent midget and stated that his pocket money would be suspended for three weeks and that he as to drink no milk with his cookies before bed. 

 

  

The befuddled chairman, his eyes bulging from their sockets, was quickly led away and sedated with a double brandy.

 Basher Hurley performed his special resuscitation technique on the grey haired pensioner, and Driver Chard was soon being escorted home by the sexologist.

The meeting was then cancelled and the matter of Ray the Dusts alleged plans to infiltrate overseas garbage disposal systems was dismissed until further investigations have been carried out by the Duck Flat Cap Society internal affairs division.