RAY THE DUST "LIP SINC" OUTRAGE

It has recently been revealed that the ageing and overweight pub singer," Ray the Dust", has been cheating his public by Lip Syncing during his albeit recent brief appearances at the mic.

It has long been rumoured that "the Dusts" rapid decline has been provoked by his increasing reliance on strong alcohol and stimulants . These rumours, linked with the increasing bad influence received from his constant companion, Pepe Le Puke, a fellow overweight and diminutive refuse collector, are a further indication that the former halcyon days of "the Dusts" long career at the mic are over.

The ex king of the seedy Karaoke bar circuit, and Regular Benidorm favourite, has constantly tried to extend his fast fading career by grabbing the mic and performing songs that he claims not to know. This therefore enabling him to claim that the poor performance is not down to his inferior delivery, but due to not knowing the words of the song !!.

However, those who have witnessed recent renditions of his favourite croon "Mustang Sally" will know that "the Dust" has not been able to hit the mark even when suitable stimulated by alcohol or other nefarious substances. It is also thought that recent experiments with hair colouring and thick gluttonous hair gel, are as a result of his wish to evoke memories of his tussle haired Teddy Boy youth, and revitalise his fading larynx.

Evidence for the "Lip Syncing" outrage has been provided by a popular North West London hostelry, who were unfortunate enough to allow the overweight warbler to perform at their last open mike evening. The event was recorded by the publican, who has now approached the committee of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" with the dramatic evidence of the Dusts subterfuge.

After a special viewing of the evidence before committee members "Chelsea Duck" Ex Military hard man "Basher Hurley" and honorary Chairman "Driver Chard of El Hadj Douiff " it has been unanimously agreed that "The Duck" was Lip Syncing throughout the performance, and indeed on closer examination it appears that the song being Lip Synced was not Mustang Sally, but "my old man was a dustman"!!. This undoubtedly leading to his subsequent early dismissal from the competition.

It is not yet known what repurcussions this henious event will have on the continuing career of the portly "Ray the Dust" but we can rest assured that we will no longer have our ears offended whilst reaxing with a pint at the Duck.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

AGEING NARCOLEPTIC DUSTMAN TO SING AT ROYAL WEDDING !!

AGEING NARCOLEPTIC DUSTMAN TO SING AT ROYAL WEDDING !!

Reports are reaching this blogger that council employee "Ray the Dust", an overweight and ageing part time member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, is to perform at the forthcoming Royal wedding.

This part time crooner, who is well known on the Costa Dell crime, and in particular the seedy Benidorm Karaoke circuit, has constantly failed to hit the mark when performing his trademark song "Mustang Sally".

In recent years the charismatic but overweight "Ray the Dust" has performed at many venues and has occasionally hit the right notes bringing the house in to rapacious applause. However, this has become very rare of late, and may well be linked to the excessive alcohol the the "Dust" is known to consume at the weekend.

In an attempt to stave of the melancholia that has began to overtake his ageing face, it is known that sad attempts to dye his thinning hair have taken place on more than one occasion, and once resulting in a ginger countenance that was the cause of much hilarity until scrubbed from his scalp.

It is hoped that if the rumours are true , and the "Dust" does perform at the Royal Wedding, that he keeps the "au naturel" look that he has recently taken on board. His some time manager"Pepe Le Puke" another diminutive overweight semi alcoholic refuse collector, has repeatably led the Dust astray, and it is hoped that he will not obtain admission to the Royal Wedding, as his attendance will ensure that the "Dusts" command performance would surely be his last !!!!!!!!!

EXTORTIONATE 4% INFLATION RATE THREATENS LONDON OLYMPIC GAMES

EXTORTIONATE 4% INFLATION RATE THREATENS LONDON OLYMPIC GAMES


Today's newspapers and TV news stations have revealed that the official rate of Inflation in the UK has reached the dizzy height of 4% p.a.

This rate, if sustained, will threaten the staging of the prestigious London Olympic Games, which are due to take place in July 2012.

The threat to the games comes from the inescapable truth that the rate of inflation is fast outstripping the rate of increase to the salaries of the average UK citizen. This will lead to continued unrest on the streets and if unchecked, a "Peoples Revolution" as recently witnessed in Egypt and other middle eastern and north African states.

Indeed, the unrest has already started, with reported unrest at a north west London public house named the"Duck in the Pond". A group of self styled revolutionaries, going under the name of " The Duck Flat Cap Revolutionary Society" have been reported to have staged a minor revolt by way of protest against a recent steep increase in prices of Ale and Beer.

The self styled "Red Cap Brigade" a sub division of "the Duck Flat Cap Revolutionary Society" (its self a sub division of the renowned "Duck Flat Cap Society") have refused to pay the additional 4% added to the tariff, whilst still demanded their standard measure of ale. With good cause, the bar staff have at first refused to accept this behaviour, and have retaliated by serving short measures of Ale.

At first this was thought to be a sustainable attempt at subverting the Red Brigades tactic of withholding 4% of the tariff, but they soon realised that this was having little effect, as the servings were already short, and in need of a requested top up prior to the current unrest.

It was soon clear to the pub management that a new tactic was required, and a cunning plan was put in to place, whereby the antiquated central heating is turned down to an unacceptable level. This tactic was used in tandem with the fans being turned on to cool and full blast, so that the Flat cappers of the Red Brigade were suffering from chilblains and frost bite a good hour before closing time.

The "Red Brigade" believed to be headed by the socialist northern faction of the Duck Flat Cap Society known as the "Ekkee Thump Brigade", which is headed by Commissar Edmo Duck and assisted by the ex military hero, "Basher Hurley Duck". It is thought that these northern socialist revolutionaries have hit the correct note when discussing the current price increases with the other flat cappers, in particular "Chelsea Duck" who has reverted to wearing full thermal underwear and duffel coat when seated at his seat.

It is hoped that this recent wave of revolutionary zeal can be overcome by the time the Olympics come to London, and that wages begin to rise in line with inflation, thus equalising the price increases that the pubs are sure to invoke in line with the early heats of the 100 metres.

SPITTING OUTRAGE AT DUCK FLAT CAP GOLF SOCIETY

SPITTING OUTRAGE AT DUCK FLAT CAP GOLF SOCIETY

It has recently been revealed that at the last full event held by the "Duck Flat Cap Golf society" an outrage took place at the 17^th green. It has been suggested that as an easy put was missed, a full "Greenie" was dispatched from the mouth of the offending putter, and aimed in the direction of the hole. 

However, the green gluttonous gob fell short and shimmered approximately six inches from the hole, directly in line with the next to putters line of sight to the hole. 

The event, held at Ruislip a number of months ago, was attended by the full contingent of members, and took place on a rainy and windy Sunday afternoon. The members were split on to two groups of three, and the alleged spitting outrage took place by an as of yet unnamed member of the second group.

Flat Cap Golf society records and information obtained from the official score cards indicate that "Basher Hurley", "Bazza Duck" and "Commissar Edmo the Teach" made up the offending threesome. However, it has been suggested by more than one commentator that the records have been tampered with and the offending group consisted of "Chelsea Duck" and "Commissar Edmo the Teach", with "Horsington Smythe" being absent due to illness.

As has previously been detailed in earlier blogs, Commissar Edmo the Teach is thought to be a member of the nefarious northern separatist group known as the “Ekkee Thump Brigade”. A known attribute of this northern group of "clog and flat cap wearing tobacco chewing renegades", is that they are addicted to spitting at regular intervals, and have unofficially adopted the spittoon as their badge of honour.

However, matters are clouded by the fact that the former military hard man, Basher Hurley of the Duck” is also believed to be a member of the clandestine “Ekkee Thump Brigade” and indeed hails from the northern enclave of Southport, on the western coast of the ancient Palatinate of Lancaster, also known as Lancashire. It is well established that this ex air force hit man is not immune to fits of pique whilst playing a round of golf, and has in fact earned the golfing epithet of “The Tree Hugger” by other members of the Duck Flat Cap Golf Society. 

It is an established fact that these northern members of the society have forged an alliance within the confines of the golf clubs mother establishment, the “Duck Flat Cap Society”.

 To this effect, they have recently voted in tandem at an extraordinary meeting of the “Beer Consumption Committee” to ensure that "Driver Chard" was excluded from the position of “Golf Buggy driver” for the society tour of Andalusia, in favour of the diminutive “Little Legs Parkes” a renowned womanising drunken sot.

This being a double outrage, as “Little Legs”, will find it a challenge to operate the controls of the buggy due to his being a "Person of restricted growth", or PORG.

Returning the scene of the crime, it believed that close circuit TV will have recorded the in incident, and it is now being suggested that copies of the tapes have allegedly been leaked to satellite tv stations and the Sunday newspapers. This blogger now awaits further developments to unfold after the publishing of the offending humongous green gob by satellite tv and the press.

We must therefore postpone all thoughts of who may be guilty, until it is revealed who awaits the scaffolding of Golgotha !

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

MEMBERSHIP OUTRAGE AT "DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY"

MEMBERSHIP OUTRAGE AT "DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY"

Unsubstantiated reports are reaching this blogger that, an embittered and troubled, well known middle eastern Potentate, has applied to join the foreign section of the "Duck Flat Cap Society".

These alleged rumours if true, will spread alarm and mistrust amongst certain members of the society, in particular the Honorary Secretary "Driver Chard of El Hadji Douff". Driver Chard who was once stationed in North Africa, has often vented his spleen recounting events that he encountered during his active service in the desert , and has more than once stated that a former enemy would join the "Duck Flat Cap Society" only over his dead body.

However, it has also recently been suggested that the Northern Section of the Society, who have often been linked with the outlawed and prescribed organisation known as the "Ekee Thump Brigade", support the selection of middle eastern Flat Capper's to the society. This is based on the misplaced belief that early pictographs and hieroglyphics found in tombs depict flat capped Pharaohs going about their daily business !.

Ex serviceman "Basher Hurley" a member of the Ekee Thump Faction, has already come out in favour of supporting the ageing Potentate's membership application, and it is believed that his northern associate and compatriot"Commissar Edmondson" is ready to "second" and rubber stamp his successful application.

This action would off course be strongly rejected and rebuffed by Driver Chard and his fellow colleagues Chelsea Duck, Bazzer and Horsington Smythe. The Honorary President and Secretary "Driver Chard" is of course most aggrieved by this course of events, as he will loose face if he does not commit Hari Kari as threatened earlier.

All will be revealed at the next meeting of the Consumption and membership committee, which is to convene early next week. A further report will follow at that time.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

PHONE HACKING INTRIGUE AT THE DUCK

PHONE HACKING INTRIGUE AT THE DUCK

Unsubstantiated reports have reached this writer of a phone hacking outrage at a suburban public house on the borders of Harrow Weald, Belmont and Stanmore. 

It has allegedly been reported that mobile phones belonging to members of the august and venerable group known as the “Duck Flat Cap Society”, have been “Hacked” by an unknown person or agency.

It has been strongly suggested by those in the know, that the nefarious activity is the work of a subversive renegade group known as “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion”, who have close links with the outlawed “Eckee Thump Brigade”.

The northern groups are known to object to members of the Duck Flat Cap Society adopting the flat cap as their emblem and badge, stating that “those southern softy namby pamby cockneys are betraying the sacred flatty”. 

For a number of years it has been rumoured that the “Duck Flat Cap Society “ has been infiltrated by one or more of these embittered men, although to date there has been no positive proof. In fact, those members who have indeed migrated to the south for economic and sexual reasons, have shown only a slight preference for northern ale and only occasional slip in to the native vernacular of their homeland. 

“Chelsea Duck “a founding member of the society, has allegedly burst a blood vessel on being told of the suspected mobile hacking and is threatening to walk away from the Duck. This threat must be taking as debatable, as "Chelsea" has not shown any preference to vacate his favoured seat for many years. Indeed not since an earlier incident involving an antique painting, has “Chelsea” felt it advisable to down his ale in another hostelry. Chelsea has resolved to wear his flat cap at all times in fierce defiance of “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion” or their sister group, the “Eckee Thump Brigade”.

It is also alleged that “Bazza Duck” has threatened to track down the interlopers and personally take his own revenge on those involved. This is a more substantial threat, as he is known to vent his ire at the slightest event, and a verbal landslide is sure to take place as soon as a suspect is apprehended. Indeed, it is most probable that medical assistance will be required if “Bazza Duck” lays his hands on these northern tyrants, before the appropriate forces arrive at the scene.

The other founding members of the “Duck Flat Cap Society” are also watching the every move of each and every member for the slightest slip that may reveal their allegiance to “The Lancashire Socialist Commando Battalion”. 

It is not yet known what the hackers trying to obtain by their nefarious efforts, but the personal conversations of the societies members are thought to include information regarding the annual general meeting of the consumption committee, although this information would be freely available to all members, including the alleged northern infiltrators.

However, it is more likely that they are after hacking the calls of the life time Honoury president “Driver Chard of El Hadji Douiff”, other wise known as “The Chard”, who will not reveal his telephone number, and only converses with those selected to be his confidents. It is known that the “Chard” regularly releases secrete information regarding his golf swing to certain members of the society, and it is believed that it is this information that the hackers seek.

We await further developments, and a further report will appear shortly.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

EX SERVICEMAN DONS FLAT CAP TO AVERT CATASTROPHE AT THE DUCK

UNDERCOVER EX SERVICEMAN DONS FLAT CAP TO AVERT CATASTROPHE AT THE DUCK

Flight Lieutenant Steve “Basher” Hurley, a member of the SAS, Special Boat Service, Royal Marine Commando’s and Parachute Regiment, recently broke cover to assist with a life threatening situation that developed in a suburban public house over the weekend.

During a normal evenings drinking at his local hostelry, Basher became aware that a group of rowdy boisterous revellers were occupying a table near to his own.

Basher Hurley had taken the normal precautions when entering the premises earlier in that evening, and had conducted his usual security sweep of the building, whilst wearing his standard issue Flat Cap. 

His trained eye had noticed the group of happy drinkers celebrating at the adjacent table.

He had acknowledged those in the building that he knew, and had taken a mental note of those that his memory did not recognise, and had taken his seat with his friends who were also members of the close-knit “Duck Flat Cap Society”. 

His training allowed him to arrange his seat in such a way that he was able to continue to survey the immediate area whilst enjoying copious amounts of Guinness. His drinking was under control although the use of a three pint pitcher as a glass had caused a ripple if whispers amongst his fellow Flat cap wearers. 

The evening was drawing to a close when it became clear that the party of revellers who had been seated opposite Flight Lieutenant “Basher” Hurley appeared to be in some bother. A member of the party began to slip below the table but was rescued before completely submerging below the parapet of the wooden table. However, a few moments later it became noticeable to all, that the unfortunate member of the celebrating party had imbibed far too much alcohol, and was struggling to stay seated on his chair. 

Minutes later, whilst being assisted through the door of the establishment, he fell and collapsed in the doorway.

Basher Hurley looked up from his pitcher of Guinness and appraised the situation. He noted that a number of the inebriated party were attending to the still prone patient, although there appeared to be confusion amongst there ranks. A number of other people seated with the Duck Flat Cap Society also noted the situation and rallied to the clarion call for assistance. However, at this stage Basher remained silent and seated. 

It was soon being suggested that the patient was lifted from the cold floor and transferred to his residence, which was only a few hundred yards away, by way of carrying his body upon an improvised stretcher, consisting of two pub chairs.

At this stage, Basher Hurley jumped in to action and was soon placing the prone body in to the recovery position. On checking his air passage and pulse it was considered that the patient was stable, but unwise to move at this particular moment in time.

As Basher Hurley pondered his next move, the air of the pub resounded with the sound of the last bell. Flight Lieutenant Hurley stood upright in a state of shock , his mind franticly filing through the various options available to him, and within an instant turned to those about him and stated -

“halt, I must buy a couple of pints as that’s the last bell. Don’t move the patient. I will be back shortly”. 

With this, Basher Hurley slowly and methodicaly paced across the floor of the now near empty establishment, and on reaching the bar placed his order for two pitchers of Guinness. These were soon poured, and as they settled, he returned to his fellow Flat Cappers awaiting his next sip of the bitter black stout.

Having ensured all was well with the black velvet, he returned to the still prone reveller, and initiated a lifting procedure that resulted in his being able to return to his place of residence without further assistance from the good Flight Lieutenant. 

Basher returned to his table and surveyed the scene, slowly swivelling his head so that he could view the complete building, but ensuring that his flat cap was still placed firmly upon his thickly tousled head. 

All was now quite and still and the event was over. Hurley swilled the remainder of his pitchers and after gesturing goodby to his fellow Flat Cappers, slowly moved to the exit and left the premises, acknowledging a job well done. 

Moments later he was seated at home and writing up the evenings proceedings in his military standard issue journal, ready for submission to his handlers. 

This completed he changed his clothing to camouflage combat pyjamas and donning his standard sleeping Flat Cap, retired to his bed. 

Further reports on Basher Hurley's behaviour will be published subject to the appropriate approval by those who administer the official secrets act.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020