SPITTING OUTRAGE AT DUCK FLAT CAP GOLF SOCIETY
It has recently been revealed that at the last full event held by the "Duck Flat Cap Golf society" an outrage took place at the 17th green. It has been suggested that as an easy put was missed, a full "Greenie" was dispatched from the mouth of the offending putter, and aimed in the direction of the hole.
However, the green gluttonous gob fell short and shimmered approximately six inches from the hole, directly in line with the next to putters line of sight to the hole.
The event, held at Ruislip a number of months ago, was attended by the full contingent of members, and took place on a rainy and windy Sunday afternoon. The members were split on to two groups of three, and the alleged spitting outrage took place by an as of yet unnamed member of the second group.
Flat Cap Golf society records and information obtained from the official score cards indicate that "Basher Hurley", "Bazza Duck" and "Commissar Edmo the Teach" made up the offending threesome. However, it has been suggested by more than one commentator that the records have been tampered with and the offending group consisted of "Chelsea Duck" and "Commissar Edmo the Teach", with "Horsington Smythe" being absent due to illness.
As has previously been detailed in earlier blogs, Commissar Edmo the Teach is thought to be a member of the nefarious northern separatist group known as the “Ekkee Thump Brigade”. A known attribute of this northern group of "clog and flat cap wearing tobacco chewing renegades", is that they are addicted to spitting at regular intervals, and have unofficially adopted the spittoon as their badge of honour.
However, matters are clouded by the fact that the former military hard man, Basher Hurley of the Duck” is also believed to be a member of the clandestine “Ekkee Thump Brigade” and indeed hails from the northern enclave of Southport, on the western coast of the ancient Palatinate of Lancaster, also known as Lancashire. It is well established that this ex air force hit man is not immune to fits of pique whilst playing a round of golf, and has in fact earned the golfing epithet of “The Tree Hugger” by other members of the Duck Flat Cap Golf Society.
It is an established fact that these northern members of the society have forged an alliance within the confines of the golf clubs mother establishment, the “Duck Flat Cap Society”.
To this effect, they have recently voted in tandem at an extraordinary meeting of the “Beer Consumption Committee” to ensure that "Driver Chard" was excluded from the position of “Golf Buggy driver” for the society tour of Andalusia, in favour of the diminutive “Little Legs Parkes” a renowned womanising drunken sot.
This being a double outrage, as “Little Legs”, will find it a challenge to operate the controls of the buggy due to his being a "Person of restricted growth", or PORG.
Returning the scene of the crime, it believed that close circuit TV will have recorded the in incident, and it is now being suggested that copies of the tapes have allegedly been leaked to satellite tv stations and the Sunday newspapers. This blogger now awaits further developments to unfold after the publishing of the offending humongous green gob by satellite tv and the press.
We must therefore postpone all thoughts of who may be guilty, until it is revealed who awaits the scaffolding of Golgotha !
R.I.P JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020
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