MAD ALBERT DISEASE STRIKES DOWN POPULAR MIDGET PLUMBER

MAD ALBERT DISEASE STRIKES DOWN POPULAR MIDGET PLUMBER


Minuscule marvel and founder member of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" (DFCS), Les "Little Legs" Parks, has sadly started to reveal attributes of the debilitating illness commonly known as "Mad Albert Disease".

The slow onset of the disease has been noted by various members of the DFCS and has become particularly noticeable of late. At a recent meeting of the society's Golfing sub section, it was clearly apparent as the diminutive "Little Legs" continually lifted his tee shirt to reveal and expose his greatly expanded belly.

This behaviour was considered mildly offensive and quite frankly not in good taste, but was tolerated by all but the authoritarian and stiff upper lipped acting DFCS chairman, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff".

His recent state of mind has often worried the committee, but this was previously attributed to his semi permanent alcoholic state, use of barbiturates and the constant chewing of khat & cocoa leaves. This sadly was not the full truth and the early onset of Mad Albert Disease can only lead to worsening behaviour.

Indeed the committee of the Golfing section have already passed a vote to the effect that he will no longer be driving the Golf Buggy at the forthcoming golfing trip to the Iberian Costa's.

Les "Little Legs" Parkes will continue to be monitored by his fellow members of the DFCS, and a decision whether he is considered well enough to keep his society flat cap will be held by St Georges Day.

FEZ WEARING INTERLOPER INFILTRATES "DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY"

FEZ WEARING INTERLOPER INFILTRATES "DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY"


Recent developments surrounding the various societies that are loosely affiliated to the Duck Flat Cap Society have revealed that Loafington Smythe, an old enemy and adversary of the nefarious pervert and child molester, Peder P Pederson, has settled temporarily in the Harrow Weald area, before establishing a more permanent base in a nearby locality.

Loafington has spent many years in pursuit of Pederson, and indeed has recently returned from an extended stay in Glasgow where he was researching evidence of his links north of the border with agents from Mosad and the German Bundesamt Verfassungsschutz.

Whilst deciphering intercepted messages , it became apparent that PPP, whom was believed to be in South America, had become involved with middle eastern and north African affairs and had therefore re positioned himself in Europe, and more importantly in the harrow area of London. It also became apparent that through Pedersons interest in secrete societies, he had become aware of the "Ekee Thump Brigade", a Northern English socialist grouping, who via "Dave the Teach" are loosely associated to "The Duck Flat Cap Society".

It is this link that has brought "Loafington" also known as "The Loaf", to the north London suburb of Harrow. Loafington is however fairly well known in the area through previous activities which led to his existing membership of the "Bogus Beer Belly Battalion" and "Expanding Waste Band Society". He will spend his time investigating various claims, including those regarding Reed, Burton and Moon and will no doubt infiltrate the Duck Flat Cap Society by way of one of his various disguises.

Loafington will continue his investigations and we must wait until further information becomes available before updating this report.

FEZ OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK !

FEZ OUTRAGE AT THE DUCK

Bloodwyn Omaha, an associate member of the Duck Flat Cap Society has caused an outrage at the North London public house by attending a committee meeting wearing a Fez.

As an associate member, Bloodwyn is invited twice a year to attend committee meetings so that he may convey the wishes of the various disparate groups that are loosely affiliated to the society. Those affiliated groups include amongst others, "The Expanding Waste Band Society", "The Bogus Beer Belly Battalion", "The Wembley Foot Tappers", and "The Ekee Thump Brigade".

Bloodwyn is well known and respected by each of these groups and is currently empowered by their separate committee's, to represent each groups individual concerns and points of view, at "The Duck Flat Cap Society" Committee meetings.

At the recent meeting, acting chairman, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif" was astounded and somewhat dumbfounded to be confronted by the Fez wearing Bloodwyn Omaha. Driver Chard immediately moved for the meeting to be postponed and this motion was soon seconded and confirmed by ex military hard man, Basher Hurley.

Bloodwyn Omaha was outraged by this stance and left the premises uttering unintelligible oaths against the aging chairman Chard.

A further meeting is to be held on Easter Friday when Bloodwyns position as an associate member will be discussed, together with various matters concerning current rumours circulating regarding the former membership of the illustrious triumvirate of Burton, Moon and Reed.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

BUCKLAND REPRESENTATIVES REJECT "TOE BOP" CLAIM

BUCKLAND REPRESENTATIVES REJECT "TOE BOP" CLAIM

Contemporaries of ex Wembley Greaser Dave "Toe Bop" Buckland, have claimed that he never perfected the Toe Bop, and was never able to complete the complex manoeuvre in their presence.

These counter claims have allegedly been made by Hop Bine cronies, Ross "Valium" Gates, an alleged drug crazed psychopathic former male prostitute and failed David Bowie impersonator, and his Anglo Indian companion Steve "Hooky" Hookings, a crooked toothed London transport booking office clerk with an alleged penchant for older women and Velvet jackets.

This pair of reprobates and roustabouts had obtained debatable fame in the late 1970's when they allegedly tried to sell the sadly missed "John Lyon" public house to a to a drunken octogenarian Texan billionaire for a packet of Fag papers, a Churchill cigar and two pints of Harp larger.  Unsubstantiated rumours allege that this sales effort was allegedly witnessed by no other than Oliver Reed, Keith Moon and Richard Burton after they had popped across the road from the "Carlton Lodge" !.

When not drinking and taking drugs in the Hop Bine, the unlovable louts Hookings and Gates were entertaining themselves by plotting, together with a number of other Hop Bine regulars, including the brothel creeper wearing Dave "Toe Bop" Buckland, how to outwit the Sudbury Town Hard Nuts, otherwise known as the "STAN".

The "STAN" who based themselves in the less than salubrious surroundings of the "Sudbury Swan" were headed by a diminutive beanie wearing Chelsea roustabout who went by the name "Studs", who over the years allegedly had a number of clashes with the seedy Hooky and Gates.

These counter claims are being looked in to by the "Culture" sub committee of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" and the results of these deliberations will be released a s soon as made public.

"TOE BOP" OUTRAGE AT THE "HOP BINE" !

"TOE BOP" OUTRAGE AT THE "HOP BINE" !

Reports have reached the "Dance and Entertainment section" of the Duck Flat Cap Society, that long lost footage of Dave"Toe Bop"Duckland, a youthful Wembley Biker, Teddy Boy and Greaser, performing the fabled "slide toe Bop", at the North Wembley public house formerly known as "The Hop Bine".

The Hop Bine public house was a well loved, and now sadly missed, drinking establishment located on the periphery of the famous Wembley Stadium, in the quite suburb of North Wembley.

 It was a favourite haunt of associated Bikers, Teddy Boys and other reprobates, but also hosted the Junior Youth Jazz ensemble on Sunday lunchtimes !

However,the venue was also the site of a regular Rock & Roll club that was well attended on most Sunday evenings.

It is at one of these evenings that Dave "Toe Bop" Duckland is alleged to have been filmed by a Cine 8, performing the "Toe Bop" whilst wearing a an oversize pair of Brothel Creepers, Leather Bikers jacket and luminous spandex socks.

Although it was always strongly rumoured that Dave Duckland could perform this extremely tricky routine, it had never been confirmed, although fellow bikers Garth  Driveway and Alun Kingdom, have always alleged that he had witnessed Duckland perform the dance at Croxley Green when fishing.

If true, this will be the first time the dance has been captured on film this side of the Atlantic.

This being of particular worldwide importance, due to the global ban placed on the intricate dance maneuver after the "Staten Island incident" in 1979, when 85 assorted Teddy Boys, Greasers, Hells Angels and Rockabillies were trampled to death in an unruly scrum, whilst trying to view a high ranking Hells Angel "Chapter leader" facing off with a "Rockabilly rebel" in a Toe Bopping  duel performed on the fabled coastal Boardwalk.

A cinematic film of the events leading up to the face off is due to be released in the future, but post production delays have been caused by the inability of the distributors and production staff to obtain final consent from the elusive Mr Duckland.

Further details will be released as soon as they come to hand.

SOURCE OF “MAD ALBERT DISEASE” TRACED BACK TO THE MITRE !

SOURCE OF “MAD ALBERT DISEASE” TRACED BACK TO THE MITRE !


Recent joint research conducted by the "Medical Committee" of the “Expanding Waste band Society” and the "Consumption committee" of the “Duck flat cap society” has resulted in controversial evidence that links the original source of “Mad Albert Disease” to the sadly missed Mitre public house.

The origin of the highly debilitating disease has allegedly been traced to a pint of Double Diamond or Long Life, purchased in the Mitre by the semi illiterate and partially insane flat cap wearer,“Mad" Albert Benfield.

“Mad Albert” being a regular of the Mitre from the late 1940’s until his death in the early 1980’s is believed to have imbibed the fateful Double Diamond or Long Life whilst watching his double jointed wife engage in a spot of improvised ballet dancing and gymnastics on a sunny Saturday afternoonn.

During the war Mad Albert was a regular soldier in a division of the North African Desert Rat Regiment, almost fully populated by Mitre Regulars, and known as the “ Fully Mechanised Imbibing Division” .It is believed he picked up Bilharzia disease whilst bathing in the Nile, and this combined with the currently unknown toxin allegedly picked up in the Mitre, resulting in the onset of Full Mad Albert Disease within 48 hours.

It is locally allegedly rumored that an additive may have been added to Mad Albert's beverage by a member of the triumvirate comprising of Kenny Gammon, Mark Penfold and Markie Mullins, although this is highly unlikely as they would have been fully occupied with their usual vocation of trying to kick the shit out of each other.

It is also alleged by other witnesses, that on the first occasion that poor "Mad Albert Benfield" convulsed to the malevolent strains of the disease named after him, the large and generously proportioned "Big Ian" was seated on his normal stool and witnessed the whole event.

As usual, "Big Ian" had consumed his normal lunchtime quota of 12 pints of strong cider, and therefore can be considered to be of sound mind and no way impaired by excess alcohol. The alleged rumours are that he noticed a dishevelled figure skulking by the gents, who was seen to exhale his stinking breath fully in to the the face of Old Mad Albert, just prior to his first convulsion. Further more, it is alleged that this person was "Ted the Barman", who was soon to become a long time if dishevelled barman at the Mitre.

It should also be reported that many other regulars of the Mitre began to show the early signs of "Mad Albert Disease" in particular the happy but mad as a brush, "Phil the tweak Baxter". The back flipping, flaxen haired barbarian considered it unusual if he had not tweaked the nipples of every male person in the pub, by closing time. In view of the new evidence regarding Mad Albert Disease" it is now apparent that he may well have been suffering from the very early stages of the debilitating affliction.

Further investigations are being conducted by the various committee's of the "Expanding Waste Band Society" and the "Duck Flat Cap Society", and future reports will be posted here.

"DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY" APPLIES FOR "ROYAL" STATUS

"DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY" APPLIES FOR "ROYAL" STATUS

Recently discovered reports detailed in archived copies of the Harrow Times, reveal that the rivalry between "The Duck in the Pond" and "The Red Lion", the former name of "The Wealdstone Inn", goes back centuries. These records have been uncovered by researchers for the Royal Commissioners who were researching the recent request by "the Duck Flat Cap Society" to obtain Royal patronage, and append "Royal " to its name.

The article uncovered by archive researchers indicates that the Red Lion was the home of a society of local farmers, artisans and labourers known as the “Red Lion Bowler Hat and Flat Cap Society”. The records indicate that this society was at constant loggerheads with an early forerunner of the current “Duck Flat Cap Society”, known as the “Duck in the Pond Corn Threshers & Hay cutters Flat Cap Society” .

This aggression was at its most flamboyant during the annual tug of War contest which took place each May day. In 1875, the festivities surrounding the the annual event exploded in violence when it was discovered that the Red Lion were employing a local Blacksmith as anchor.The rules of the event expressly denied either team including a Blacksmith,Cordwinder or Cooper as anchor or first man, as the size and bulk of these tradesmen ensured that their employment would ensure victory.

The fight that ensued ended with several members of each team being unable to continue their employment the following day, and the laying off of numerous gardeners, labourers, gardeners and agricultural workers by their disgusted employers.

It is further described in the archived reports that the local Landed Gentry,Clergy and in particular the owners of the local mansion known as "Wealdstone House" together with those of Wealdstone Farm and "The Kiln" banned each and every contestant from their premises after instantly dismissing them from their posts of employment.

It was not long after this eventful "May Day" that the “Duck in the Pond Corn Threshers & Hay cutters Flat Cap Society” changed its name to the current format, and the "Red Lion" adopted the Bowler Hat as its standard headgear.

Further May Days were less eventful due to the banning of the Tug Of War event, but it soon became usual for the regulars of the Red Lion to march the 500 yards from its own premises to that of the Duck where the proud members of the Duck Flat Cap Society and the Red Lion Bowler Hat Brigade would engage in a fierce bought of fisticuffs around the banks of the pond. It goes without saying the the Marquis Of Queenbury was not present, and his rules of etiquette were not engaged.

Due to these earlier eruptions, the Duck In the Pond Flat Cap Societies recent attempt to gain Royal Patronage, and append the name "Royal" to its name have been stymied, although attempts to change the Royal Commissions mind will continue.

The archive papers continue too be researched, and further reports will keep you up to date.