"BEACH VOLLEYBALL" OUTRAGE , AS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TURN DOWN ALLEGED ESCORT DUTIES

" BEACH VOLLEYBALL" OUTRAGE , AS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TURN DOWN ALLEGED ESCORT DUTIES

Unsubstantiated reports indicate that the prestigious "Duck Flat Cap Society" may have outraged the sporting world by turning down an alleged invitation to escort alleged members of an undisclosed Beach Volleyball team when they were at Ruislip Lido for the 2012 Olympics.

The alleged report states that a meeting of the societies "Sporting and Ethical" sub  committee, voted to reject the offer by a margin of four to three, with "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" heading up the faction of objectors.   

It has long been known that Driver Chard, the aging acting President and Chairman,was a misogynist with a deep hatred of all females other than his beloved wife, "Lady Chard of El Hadj Duiff". This dissatisfaction with the female sex is believed to be based on unfortunate incidents that took place when Chard was a young squaddie in Egypt, whilst completing his national service. 

 


Undisclosed sources have indicated that during a long session of strip backgammon, involving three staff drivers and a buxom nurse, Driver Chard was humiliated  by the nurse when he was forced to remove his army issue khaki shorts to reveal lily-white thighs and a pair of lady's knickers. 

Furthermore, after loosing the next session of backgammon, the female undergarments were withdrawn from his person, which revealed a union jack tattoo on each testicle.

This unfortunate event left Driver Chard with a deep set hatred of nurse and females in general.   


The unsubstantiated report also confirms that the other members of the committee to reject the proposal were "Dave the Teach", a serial womaniser and Lothario with an inbreed and deep felt mistrust of the female species, and  Barry "Bazza" Duck, who also has a long time mistrust of the female gender. 

The alleged report goes on the state that among those who voted in favour of the proposed escort duties was ex military hard man  and  sexologist "Basher Hurley", who was flabbergasted and outraged  to note the decision of the committee.

Another to vote for the alleged privilege of escorting the unnamed Beach Volleyball Team was Mal "Malcs" Malcolm, a part time member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, who occasionally serves on the committee on behalf of the societies Hemel Hempstesd section.

Of course, it should also be noted that Mal "Malcs" is also a fellow sexologist and studied for his sexology diploma in the same clinic as Basher Hurley.  


It was further reported that an appeal had been proposed by our sexologist friends, and a further extraordinary meeting was to be held the following Friday, Chaired by "Ray the Dust" and assisted by his diminutive trash collecting buddy, "Pepe Le Puke". 

The results of this extraordinary meeting were never released and the whole unsavory event remains a mystery.

THE RENUNCIATION OF FERNANDO GOMEZ

THE RENUNCIATION OF FERNANDO GOMEZ 

Fernando Gomez was born in a New York slum and spent the first sixteen years of his life living in a one room apartment with no heating and no running water. Sanitation was non existent, with excrement piled in heaps across the rooms fetid floor. 

It was alleged, but never substantiated or proved, that his father was allegedly, no other than the twin brother of the great Mario Lanza, Raymondo Roymondo Lanza, who after a heavy night on black tar heroin or Golden Brown, had slept with a Brooklyn hooker inseminating her with his Italian seed, and leaving her with ruptured ear drums from his constant rendition of Italian Opera and Mac the Knife.

Fernando did not attend school and by the age of sixteen was a streetwise pervert with a penchant for bad smelling feet and Parmesan cheese.  By begging and stealing he managed to maintain a low level drug habit, and had been dependent on crack cocaine from the age of ten.  His nose was destroyed by his constant sniffing of butane gas and toilet cleaner, and his veins were non existent through the injection of crack cocaine direct in to his bloated body.

One  wet New York morning Fernando slipped on to a metro train and disembarked on the lower west side, adjacent to the river Hudson. His next step was to stow away on the packet steamer S.S Croydon, and was soon slipping unnoticed by all and sundry in to Southampton docks, Hampshire England.

He soon realised that his name would be unsuitable in his new English surroundings, and remembering where he boarded the ship, being the River Hudson, decided to adopt the surname of Hudson. To further enhance his chance of not being detected in the UK he also changed his first name to Raymondo. 

Thus Raymondo Hudson was born, and he began his slow rise through the layers of society until he reached the dizzy heights of Master Waste disposal Operator, and sombalistic part time karaoke singer and drunk.

The rest is well documented and the subject of various other posts. !   

   

OUTRAGE AS ELLIOTT TWINS DO NOT COLLAPSE DRUNK AT PARTY

OUTRAGE AS ELLIOTT TWINS DO NOT COLLAPSE  DRUNK AT PARTY
                                                                                                                             

A truly amazing event occurred yesterday evening at an event to celebrate  the tenth wedding anniversary of one of Hertfordshires most notorious party girls.

As the evening progressed, the assembled throng watched with increasing voracity so as not to miss the inevitable tumble to the floor of one of the inebriated Elliott sisters.

This was believed to be inevitable due to the track record of the fun loving sisters, who despite being married, continue a life style that takes in the glamour and excitement of a teenager. Numerous occasions are shared by the twins and their fun loving Posse of like minded friends, who are constantly on hand to steady the toppling sisters in their moment of need.



Thus as the evening moved towards its end, the gathered guests and family were awaiting the first trip to the floor followed by incessant giggling and riotous behaviour by the rest of the joyous troop.
However, to the amazment of the assembled gathering, the couple of party girls remained on their feet at all times, and continued to strut their funky stuff untill the final tune blasted from the speaker system.

The event was soon over, and the glamerous twins walked confidently to their transport without as much as a trip or stumble . We await to see if the same can be said after this evening birthday bash that will be frequented by the same fun loving cannibles !

CUPID STUNT IN ALLEGED "DUCK" LOVE TRIANGLE

CUPID STUNT IN ALLEGED "DUCK" LOVE TRIANGLE




Cupid Stunt, the voluptuous former star of the stage and screen, has allegedly been linked to the Duck Flat Cap society and an intriguing three in a bed scandal with Ray the Dust and Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff.

It has long been rumoured that Cupid was a member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, having been introduced to the society by Cupids alleged one time lover and close confident Kenny Everett. Kenny Everett was allegedly a long time member of the DFCS, and had been closely associated with the flat capers ever since he began filming at the nearby studios located in Wembley in the late 1970's.

His relationship with miss Stunt lasted only a few weeks and it was not long before the young performer was drowning her sorrows at the Duck. At the time of her frequent appearances , Driver Chard was the chief recruiting officer for the Duck Flat Cap Society and was soon spending many hours with the starlet, and eventually obtained her signature to become a member of the society.

 

Flushed with success, it is alleged that Driver Chard feel head over heals on love with the buxom actress and began a six year affair with the spindly legged beauty.
However, this was soon to come to an abrupt end as Ray the Dust began to drink in the Duck. Before long the Chard the ace recruiter had worked his charms on the Dust and he was a paid up member of the Duck Flat Cap Society within two weeks of buying his first double diamond shandy. It was at this time that The Dust allegedly started his own lustful affair with Cupid Stunt.



The Chard at first was ignorant of this outrage, but was soon tipped of by the youthful Bazza Duck , who himself had noted the unbelievable curves of Cupid.


The following Thursday, after a committee meeting if the ethics and cinematography sub committee of the DFCS, Ray the Dust slipped upstairs for a secret rendezvous with the voluptuous Stunt. However when entering the room and diving on to the soiled sheets, failed to notice the crumpled body of Driver Chard, who was laying  totally naked apart from his flat cap. The drunken and lustfull Dust was to far gone to desist from his amorous actions and before long the three bodies were entwined in an eel like mass of writhing flesh.

Before long all were asleep, and in the morning all left extremely sheepishly, hoping that the other parties would not notice.This indeed was the case, and nothing further has been said by the Dust and the Chard to this day !.
With regards to Cupid Stunt, she was last seen heading towards Belmont Circle with Pepe Le Puke, Little Legs Parkes and a youthful Basher Hurley, who was on leave from the military and studying part time for his certificate in Sexology.

More details will be released in due course.

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN OLYMPIC BID

DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN OLYMPIC BID

The celebrated  North West London drinking and debating society, The Duck Flat Cap Society, have made a late bid to the organising committee for the inclusion of two new sports to the imminent London Olympiad.

After much deliberation the sporting sub committee of the DFCS voted to petition for the inclusion of Flat Cap tossing and the timed pint , to the existing pantheon of Olympiad sports. Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, campaigned breathlessly for the inclusion of "Gamp" or Umbrella throwing, but this was rejected due to objection of former military Hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, and northern insomniac and inebriate Dave the Teach.

Also, a request to include "Dwarf Flinging" was brought to an earlier unsuccessful conclusion by the minuscule and part time plumber and sexual therapist, "Little Legs" Parkes ,who together with his diminutive compatriot "Pepe Le Puke", violently objecting to the practice of small bloated  bodies, just like their own, being used for the purposes of sport.

An earlier request for "Deerstalker  coites" was rejected by "Chelsea Dave" and "Bazzer Duck" due to an earlier incident when  an unruly misplaced deerstalker almost led to the loss of a number of pints of cold lager.

 

  
"Flat Cap Tossing" has been  been a celebrated sport and pastime for many years, and peculiarly has a particularly strong following in the south of England, where an inbred hatred of northerners and all northern has long taken hold. The only exception to this hatred has been the adoption of the flat cap, and this has its historical beginnings in the east end of London when costermongers Dockers and lighter men wore the headgear to protect them from the smog that was so prevalent in  nineteenth century London.


The other new sport that the society has requested to be adopted in to the Olympiad is that old favourite, the timed pint. This of course is  a ritual that has had pride of place in London public houses for centuries, and  is closely related to the celebrated centuries old ritual of downing a "yard of ale". Indeed the yard of was included in the  1908 London Olympics held at White City but was later withdrawn from the games due to Great Britain gaining Gold, Silver and Bronze in the event, and also having the next seventeen placings.

We await the response of the Olympic Committee and will report its deliberations in due course.

RAY THE DUST IN BIAFRA OUTRAGE !

RAY THE DUST IN BIAFRA OUTRAGE !

 
Reports recently uncovered by a team of students researching the underclass of Croyden in the 1960's, have allegedly uncovered evidence that Ray the Dust was involved in a food parcel scam during the tragic Biafran crisis In the late 1960's. 

On 30th June 1969, the Nigerian government banned all Red Cross aid to Biafra. However for the preceding two years the populace of Great Britain, rich and poor,old and young, willfully gave spare food to local charitable organisations, so that the Red Cross could collate packages for the starving children and adults of Biafra.

Biafra had seceded from the former British colony of Nigeria in 1967, and had struggled to survive as an independent nation against the might of its former African parent that its self had gained independence from the UK in 1960.

Whilst the school children of Great Britain nagged their parents for food that they could take to class so that it could be forwarded for their Biafrian compatriots, and old age pensioners gave up there bingo money to add to the food aid, Ray The Dust was scheming with his roustabout scooter riding mates, to see how many food packages he could divert for consumption by his own bloated and distended belly.

As a child Ray the Dust had always had a ravenous appetite, and as a teenager had already developed a paunch and an expanding waistband. As the Biafran outrage was reported across the TV networks and in the press, the Dust and his gang of Croyden hooligans had soon worked out that the easiest way to a distended but content belly, was to set up a bogus charity and to collect food parcels on behalf of the Biafran crisis.

Ray the Dust was allegedly successful for a number of months until a group of local greasers stumbled upon the scam and took over control of the operation. However, their involvement was short lived as the greater might of Nigeria soon overran the fledgling state of Biafra and  re-Incorporated the region in to the Nigerian sovereign state. 

By this time, the Dust was already hooked on additional calories, and to this day each and every day is one huge meal for the corpulent ex refuse collector. Indeed his tragic obsession with Karaoke singing is a by product from his waist being so large that his trousers are always tight, and thus he feels better standing , and thus singing in to sweaty  mic, in a seedy club was just a short transition for the food loving Dust.    

We await further reports, at which time additional information will be posted for your benefit.