RAY THE DUST IN "BOYS FROM BRAZIL” OUTRAGE AT CLONED HUDSON DOPPELGANGERS

RAY THE DUST IN "BOYS FROM BRAZIL” OUTRAGE AT CLONED HUDSON DOPPELGANGERS

During a recent "Jolly Boys Outing" to Benidorm, by the cultural section of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the committee unexpectedly uncovered a secret plan to populate the worlds karaoke bars with clones of Ray The Dust. 

Unknown to the rest of the world, the German Nazi  Dr Joseph Mengele had not only escaped to south America after the fall of Her Hitler, but had also set up a base of operations in Alacanti, south east Spain.  After spending a number of weeks mingling with the local low life, Dr Mengele scoured the local  clinics and hospitals looking for surrogate mothers to inseminate with his hideous solution of Hitlers semen.

However after a number of  attempts, he was unable to produce the required pregnancies as the samples of seed had perished In the rancid heat of Alicanti in high summer, as there was no refrigeration available after the earlier monstrosities of the Spanish Civil War.  At this stage he sent a minor minion to Gibraltar with instructions to gather seed from strong English sailors and soldiers billeted at the rocks garrison.

Before long he returned with a couple of gallons of the UK's best, and began his programme of insemination.    Unknown to Mengele, an unknown member of the Hudson family, in Gibraltar as a serving conscript and drunk from a stint in the local boozer, had made an unauthorised donation to the collection, when Mengele's Nazi collector was distracted. 
This member of the Hudson clan was a direct ancestor of "Ray the Dust" and it is his seed that provided 50% of the chromosomes that make up the Dust and 98 other cloned look alike's. 

As with other clones, the Nazi and fellow sympathisers continued to keep track of the cloned children, including 99 who were cloned from the unauthorised seed from the  Hudson sperm doner.  Over a number of years it became apparent that a large number of the clones were blessed with a fine vocal talent and were able to win numerous prizes at the various European schools that they had been deposited in by their clandestine network of helpers. 






It is now alleged that a number of the clones remained in Alicanti and subsequently moved to Benidorm as the originally small fishing village boomed in to the sprawling metropolis frequented by millions of holidaying Europeans enjoying the sun, entertainment and cheap liquor.  These clones were programmed from an early age to excel at the microphone and were soon distributed throughout the area cabaret  and karaoke bars.


At the same time a number of the clones were introduced to Croydon, England,unaware that the original Hudson seed originated in the area.  After some confusion by the local midwife's, it is believed that Ray the Dust was mistakenly adopted in to the bosom of the family, whilst being totally unaware of his cloned attributes.  

As the tubby Ray the Dust grew older he was lost by his Nazi handlers and managed to live a normal life , with the exception that he was constantly drawn to local karaoke bars and clubs with the urge to blast out Mustang Sally and the like
 This now explains why the Dust continues to sing at these establishments bringing shame to all about him as his broken voice trails of with hideous crackles and screeches as his red flaccid face struggles to gasp in the air so that his lungs and heart can continue to function. 

This also explains how reports of the Dust having arguments with the like of Sticky Vicky in Benidorm, have continued to circulate, even when it is known that the Porty refuge collector was busying himself with Pepe le Puke in Watford and Harrow weald public houses. It is also believed that the invitation to the Royal wedding was intended for a Benidorm Doppelganger blessed with a far sweeter voice than the croaking and wheezing Dust.

The duck Flat Cap Society are to liaise with the Ezra Lieberman section of the Simon Wiesenthal's Nazi Hunters to see if the cloned Dust can be exempted from persecution as this sad storey comes to light. 

Further updates will be available in due course.    



 

BAXTER CLAN TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION OVER BARBARIC DESTRUCTION OF FAMILY HEIRLOOM

BAXTER CLAN TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION OVER BARBARIC DESTRUCTION OF FAMILY HEIRLOOM

As the dust settles at the Palfryman – Baxter country estate, and the mystery of the “Hog” that wasn’t a “Hog” continues to baffle all and sundry, litigation is now afoot relating to the wanton and indefensible destruction of a priceless family heirloom.

Many who were present at the magnificent gathering will have noticed the fine antique table in the main reception room of the country estate. Indeed, the table was held in such high regard by the vast majority of the respectful guests, that to even place a drink on the table would be a grave injustice to its unique charm.

However, one amongst the thronging masses took it within her remit to disrespect the antique work of art, and place her posterior boldly against its ancient wooden grain. Alas, the result of this unfortunate disrespect was an immediate collapse of the structure as the weight of the foolish incumbent thrashed the living daylights out of the finely structured table.

 As the beautiful table split asunder from its lovingly carved and embossed rear left leg, the thronging masses were thrown about the room accompanied by undignified squeals and guffaws as the culprate struggled to gain her balance and dignity.   Drinks were spilt on to the wonderfully pilled carpet, staining forever the thick white carpeting that stretched across the room from wall to wall.

The offending behind was soon shaking with anguish as the many bystanders wiped themselves clean and stared at the now totally destroyed piece of art.  She looked ashen and white as she quickly looked the many faces in the room, searching for either Paul or Sue so that she could unburden her soul of its aching pain and embarrassment. Soon monsieur Baxter was on the scene and after a few choice words, the countenance of fear soon changed to glee as a further drink was placed in the hand of the now stable "CHRIS".

 All was now believed to be fine, until news of the wanton destruction reached the head of the Baxter clan, ensconced in her Northampton powerbase, and soon lawyers were being instructed to begin and elaborate suite against the contrite and diminutive Chris.

 As letters are being prepared by Arthur J Fuckrudden & Co, solicitors to the landed gentry, fevered negotiations are currently taking place to settle matters out of court.

Further details will be posted here in due course.    

CANNIBALISM OUTRAGE AT DOWNTON GATHERING OF THE BAXTER CLAN

CANNIBALISM OUTRAGE AT DOWNTON GATHERING OF THE BAXTER CLAN


At the recent Baxtorian Clan gathering and  garden party held in the delightful small New Forest village of Downton, an outrage is believed to have befallen former friend of the family, " Fat Wallet" Elliott.

Although invited to the tribal gathering, his supposed non arrival caused a stir throughout the mitorian hoard who had descended to the temporary encampment in the gardens of the palatial Palfryman - Baxtorion Villa.

A casual stroll through the stately gardens revealed a variety of groupings engaged in voracious conversation, whilst imbibing in a truly magnificent manner. Indeed the overflowing drinking horn was abundant in each and every corner of the magnificently appointed stately grounds. However, the most striking sight to befall the casual observer was the "Hog Roast" set up towards the rear of the section of garden laid to lawn.

The large electronic spit was slowly revolving enabling the large decapitated "Hog" to cook in an even and thorough manner, with the grease and flat steadily dripping in to the strategically placed fat trays below the unfortunate beast. However, not noticed to many was a trail of coins leading back to the fenced area that divided the garden from the holiday camp situated behind the Palfryman - Baxter villa.

These coins abruptly stopped by the fence, although a closer look revealed that an empty wallet, of large size and obviously stretched through holding a large wedge of notes, lay just the other side of the fence. Further more,  just a couple of feet further in to the undergrowth were the crumpled remains of a tee shirt and jeans, together with soiled undergarments and rubber Jesus sandals. Indeed the clothing usually worn by the balding and overweight Fat Wallet.

 
Unknown to the boisterous crowd enjoying the hospitality of the Baxter birthday bash, the local constabulary were called and an investigation begun in to the possibility that the "Hog" roasting on the spit, and being happily munched by the hungry throng, was in fact not an unfortunate pig, but the bloated body of "Fat Wallet".

The local police were allegedly already investigating a local group of Gypsies who were expected of cannibalism, and it is the current theory of the police that Fat Wallet was ambushed whilst counting his cash to the rear of the property, and substituted for the original Hog, that was to be sold back to the local butcher in New Milton.

Further reports on this extraordinary affair will appear as soon as the Baxter's have completed their witness statements, and will be published here in due course..

"HORSE-LOAF BOSON PARTICLE" DISCOVERED AS LINK TO WIDESPREAD ALCOHOL TOLERANCE LEVELS IN WEMBLEY AREA

"HORSE-LOAF BOSON PARTICLE" DISCOVERED AS LINK TO WIDESPREAD ALCOHOL TOLERANCE LEVELS IN WEMBLEY AREA  

Scientists at the Heidelberg Institute for the study of Anglo Saxon and Celtic Alcohol abuse" have discovered a new "God particle" that has been named after two former regulars if the Mitre public house, the Horse and the Loaf.

Both the Loaf and the Horse have long wondered why so many people born between the years of 1955 and 1965 had lives so acutely interwoven with the varied products of the grain and the grape.
During the mid 1970's onwards the pubs and drinking dens of Wembley, North Wembley,Sudbury, Kenton, Wembley Park and surrounding areas were constantly stuffed to the rafters with those born between 1955 and 1965 on the shant.

The fact that the licencing laws of the time were unsuited for the "all dayer" were of little consequence to the serious drinkers who inhabited the Mitre, Hop Bine , Swan, John Lyon, Rising Sun, Railway Tavern, Black Horse and other local pubs, who on hearing the 2.30 bell on a Saturday afternoon gleefully downed their light and bitter or pint of Double Diamond, and casually either hailed a cab or walked to the Carlton Lodge or Sombreros to continue the banter and shant.

The drinking would then continue throughout the afternoon , without the benefit of Sky sport or any other unnatural distractions, with the occasional fight over a game of pool being the only interruption to the imbibing proceedings. Then, as the clock turned to 5.30pm and the pubs re opened their welcoming doors, the reverse order to that earlier in the day would take place, as drinks were drained, cabs called as bloated beer bellies made their way back to the pub of their choice.  And during this complete procedure, with very little exception, excluding the constantly inebriated duo Gammon and Penfold, each and every person would remain sober, and indeed  would remain so until the final closing bell at originally 10.30, and eventually 11.00pm.

The research carried out by the " Heidelberg Institute for the study of Anglo Saxon and Celtic Alcohol abuse" and the discovery of the "Horse - Loaf" particle has now explained this strange state of affairs. The research has revealed that between the rears of 1955 and 1965 a Comet, know known by the name "Horsingtons Comet" regularly passed over the wembley area releasing a cosmic cloud that contain the sub atomic particles know named the "Horse - Loaf" particle. The absorption of this particle during the childhood of those born during this period  enabled them to absorb the debilitating effect of strong alcohol, and thus enabled the swashbuckling imbibers of those halcyon days to consume their drinks at will, and keep up the  ever increasing number of all dayers enjoyed by all.

The research is still in the early stages, and a further update will be reported here in due course. 





   

BILDERBERG GROUP INFILTRATED BY DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

BILDERBERG GROUP INFILTRATED BY DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

The International grouping of the worlds top Bankers and Polititions has allegedly been infiltrated by high ranking members of the Duck Flat Cap Society.

The highly secret group that first met in 1954, meet once a year to discuss how they are going to run the world for the following twelve months. The individual invitees are selected by a central committee of political and banking behemoths, who individually are allegedly also members of the Freemasons and the Illuminati.

The Duck Flat Cap society were invited to send a member to this meeting of the worlds movers in recognition of the political and social standing that the august body have within the body and soul of the corporate and social networks of the United Kingdom.  It has longed been suggested by those in the know, that previous members of the Duck Flat Cap Society have included numerous NATO Commanders from the North West Europe command HQ based in nearby Northwood Hills.

It should not be forgotten that Bentley Priory, a former command base for NATO is also situated only a mile from the Duck In The Pond, the home base of the DFCS. During the 2nd World War it is alleged that Winston Churchill regularly traversed these tunnels as he sped between commanding the victory over the Hun at the Battle of Britain from Bentley Priory and necking a gallon of the local best bitter and smoking a couple of humongous cigars.
 
 Indeed, former military members Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif and Basher Hurley have both sworn on the club rule book to the effect that secret tunnels run from Bentley Priory to the cellar of the Duck . This has also been verified by Chelsea Dave who has previously reconnoitred the basement and cellar of the duck under the guise of maintenance work. 

At this moment the DFCS are not able to confirm who has travelled to the meeting of the Bilderberg Group, but further information will be released as soon as it is to hand.  

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

E.COLI OUTBREAK TRACED TO "PEPE LE PUKE'S" SOILED UNDERPANTS

E.COLI OUTBREAK TRACED TO "PEPE LE PUKE'S" SOILED UNDERPANTS

Tests conducted by the scientific and micro biology section of the Duck Flat Cap Society, have allegedly traced a deadly new E. Coli strain to a discarded pair of soiled undergarments belonging to the overweight and vertically challenged, Pepe Le Puke.

The offending boxer shorts were allegedly discovered in Hamburg , Germany, and were easily identified to be those of the diminutive balding refuse collector by the name sewn in to the waistband. If this evidence was not enough, a pair of his mittens, again with his name tag attached were found adjacent to the blood, shit and puss stained underpants.

It is known that Pepe Le Puke had recently absconded from work, supposedly for a day at the Epsom Races with the aging and over weight failed pub singer Ray the Dust.

However, it can now be revealed that the pair of over sexed reprobates actually boarded the 6.30am Eurostar from St Pancreas, arriving at Bruge in Belgium approximately 2 hours later. From Bruge, the reprobate garbage collectors travelled by local train to Hamburg where Ray The Dust made yet another sad and unsuccessful attempt to return to the Karaoke stage.
 

Alas, the two latter day Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum look a like's were soon in a semi conscious state due to over indulgence of numerous large Pernod's and blackcurrant and litres of Kronenbourg lager, and helped down with a fair helping of apple strudel, wieners and sauerkraut.

Soon the pair were drunkenly crawling along the Reeperbahn, frequenting the seedy establishments that are known only to well by our refuse collecting duo. Soon they were both unconscious, and it is now believed that after a particularly large helping of sauerkraut and spicy German sausage, Pepe Le Puke shat his load, completely destroying his pair of "Mr Bean" underpants. Before long the revolting smell emanating from the crestfallen due alerted the staff who unceremoniously ejected the two from the strip club.

A number of hours later, Pepe Le Puke, came round laying against the cartons and crates from an adjacent greengrocers, and thinking the crates were discarded, stuffed his soiled boxers in to the green leaves located in the crates. However, these crates of vegetables and salad leaves were not to be discarded and soon they were allegedly being delivered to various outlets throughout northern Germany.

 Thus the green leaved vegetables and salad content were allegedly contaminated with the E Coli that had previously been living in the revolting digestive gut of Pepe Le Puke.

Further tests are being carried out as we speak, and only time can tell if the E Coli will ever be re united with the large welcoming belly of Pepe Le Puke.

PAUL "ACORN HEAD" BAXTER TO "COME OUT " AT 50TH BIRTHDAY BASH

 "ACORN HEAD" BAXTER TO "COME OUT " AT 50TH BIRTHDAY BASH

Details have reached the imbibing and sexual relations committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, that former Mitre extrovert and lover of long hair, Paul "Acorn Head" Baxter is to finally admitted his homosexuality at his up and coming birthday bash.

It has long been suspected that the spindle limbed and slightly built acorn headed  "Baxterian" was batting for the other side, but apart from a long forgotten incident at Stockers Lake, Rickmansworth in 1973, involving Gary Parkway, a Thermos flask, Dave Bucklands waders and Fat Wallets underpants, no evidence has been forthcoming.

Indeed, the Gracile Acorn headed lover of long flowing hair has constantly hidden his  affiliation by dating a number of brazen woman during his younger life, and of course culminating with the lovely Suzi P. This is off course a truly loving relationship, but it is now allegedly quite evident, from the information gleaned by Driver Chard of the DFCS, that the Acorn head has allegedly been hiding a desire for the pork kebab for many years. 

We await the party with baited breath and in particular the expected speech that is due just before 8.30 pm, and hope that the speculation can end, and Acorn head walk firmly across the dance floor without his backside against the wall.