RAY THE DUST IN GARBAGE INTRIGUE

RAY THE DUST IN GARBAGE INTRIGUE

Unsubstantiated reports state that the failed karaoke singer and part time garbage disposal officer, Ray the Dust, has allegedly been forcefully removed from a local government premises, after a tempestuous display of outrage linked to his failed attempt to allegedly secure garbage disposal rights at a seat of Government. 

For many years, the honour of removing garbage from a prestigious government property has been offered to the local authority’s finest operative. This, as many know, does not fit the description of Ray the Dust, due in part to his constant absence from his position because of feigned illness and injury.

As a serial abuser of privilege, The Dust has continued to receive the standard back handers from tradesmen, as local grocers and traders seek to dispose of their excess packaging.  

After a number of years this nice little earner has ceased to be as lucrative as the recession continues to take its hold, and the funds finding their way in to the Dusts pocket have been drastically dwindling.  

Therefore the overweight lovable rogue hatched a plan that involved immigrating to the USA and obtaining employment as a garbage disposal officer in Washington DC.

After preliminary investigations involving a couple of dubious visits to the seedier bars and brothels of Washington, The Dust returned to the UK to hatch his alleged plan with his diminutive buddy, Pepe Le Puke. 

  

 

News of this devious plan inevitably leaked and the Duck Flat Cap Society was advised of Ray the Dust's intentions.

The DFCS called an extraordinary meeting of the “Ethics and Procrastination” subcommittee to discuss the planned infiltration of the cities garbage disposal operation. 

 

The meeting was chaired by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff and included northern subversive and part timer brothel keeper Dave the Teach, ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley and Chelsea Dave Duck.

Also attending the meeting, although not having a vote, was Bazza Duck, who was considered too close to Ray the Dust due to his resent stint as a garbage disposal officer.

  

Driver Chard, acting Chairman and society spokesman on all matters involving a political bias or football, was empowered with special powers to call witnesses to the stand, and as such his first point of action was to suggest the issue of subpoenas, for the President and Cary Grant to attend the meeting to give evidence.

 

It was quickly pointed out to the aged Chairman that Cary Grant had been dead for many years and that the President of the USA was unlikely to attend due to important alternative engagements. 

  

However, Driver Chard, was not going to rescind his earlier proclamation that the President attends the committee meeting, but did concede that it was probably best that the deceased Cary Grant did not attend.

Unsubstantiated reports allege that he immediately proposed that Jack Klugman attended in place of Cary Grant, and again the confused Driver Chard was advised of the problems in his attendance, due to his being deceased.

After many hours wasted explaining to the purple faced chairman that his proposed attendees were dead, it was finally agreed that Pepe Le Puke would be the second witness to be subpoenaed and the appropriate papers were soon issued.

The stuttering and dribbling chairman then called for the press to be in attendance and requested that the full proceedings be broadcast live by the BBC over the wireless and relayed to the cinemas of the British Empire and Commonwealth via packet steamer and Pathe News Reel.   

Pepe le Puke was soon giving evidence to the committee and after swearing an oath on an old Tottenham Hotspurs FC programme, confirmed that he was indeed a colleague and friend of Ray the Dust, but refused to agree that he had any knowledge relating to the alleged plan to infiltrate any garbage disposal operations in the USA .

   

 

Driver Chard called for email evidence to be provided by Pepe le Puke to the subcommittee so that his claims could be confirmed.

 In defence, Pepe le Puke advised the bench that all his e mails and other electronic documents were in the hands of the civil authorities due to his alleged links to a British Sunday newspaper and the associated phone hacking enquiry.

Chairman Driver Chard now in a distressed state and stripped to his imitation fur briefs and sweat stained singlet, dismissed the diminutive corpulent midget and stated that his pocket money would be suspended for three weeks and that he as to drink no milk with his cookies before bed. 

 

  

The befuddled chairman, his eyes bulging from their sockets, was quickly led away and sedated with a double brandy.

 Basher Hurley performed his special resuscitation technique on the grey haired pensioner, and Driver Chard was soon being escorted home by the sexologist.

The meeting was then cancelled and the matter of Ray the Dusts alleged plans to infiltrate overseas garbage disposal systems was dismissed until further investigations have been carried out by the Duck Flat Cap Society internal affairs division.

    

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

BASHER HURLEY IN MENTAL BREAKDOWN AFTER LINK WITH REPUBLICAN SYMPATHISERS REVEALED

BASHER HURLEY IN MENTAL BREAKDOWN AFTER LINK WITH REPUBLICAN SYMPATHISERS REVEALED

Ex military hard man, triple bypass survivor and full time sexologist, Basher Hurley has finally suffered a sever mental breakdown after revelations of a tawdry affair with a prominent anti royalist.

The former Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) military advisor and chief security officer, has unfortunately succumbed to the unabashed approaches of an experienced  Caribbean agent, and now has a full blown case of "Mad Albert Syndrome".

 MAD ALBERT SYNDROME

Sources in Moscow have allegedly discovered a link between Lambeth and Brixton based West Indian secret service agents and the KGB.

The link had originally been established during the Cuban missile Crisis but had remained in place, even continuing to exist after the collapse of the Soviet Union and the threat of a devastating nuclear attack.

It is allegedly well known by officials within the governments that sponsor and support NATO, including the United Kingdom, France and the British Commonwealth, that various West Indian states that are still officially linked to the monarchy, have been agitating for Republican Status for many years.

Their  plans to ditch the Queen as their figurehead and head of state are well known, but their link to the KGB has been overlooked for many years.

Basher Hurley has previously operated in this clandestine world, when he was seconded to the SAS whilst stationed in the Falkland Islands, just after the last conflict in the south Atlantic.

 This secondment had placed Basher Hurley in a compromising position, as his role collating and deciphering Argentine ciphers and  messages for the crown, had placed him in conflict with his burgeoning anti Royalist beliefs.

These beliefs originally grew from his involvement with a fascist band of criminals in Naples Italy, whilst he was stationed there as a military observer, attached to the USA 8^th fleet.These criminal gangs traced their history back to the revolutionary "Garibaldi" who helped defeat the various Italian monarchies to establish the Italian Republic in the nineteenth century.

The opportunity to sell contraband and drugs via his USA base connections was too much for the sex mad flight sergeant, and his temptation soon led to an unfortunate incident with a black Argentine prostitute and Madame, allegedly named "Signora Madonna Berlusconi".

 His depraved  sexual acts with this queen of smut and lust were filmed by members of the Cosa Nostra and leaked to the  8^th Fleets security service. Soon Basher Hurley was on the pay role of both organisations under the threat of being revealed as a sexual pervert, with a strange penchant for ageing overweight South American lard arses.

It is now thought that a copy of this sick Cine 8 film has been converted to video, and a copy shown to Basher Hurley as he recovered from his recent triple bypass operation.

 After being approached by a number of seedy characters during his hospitalisation, including the DFCS’s own Dave the Teach, Basher Hurley succumbed to sexual entrapment by his team of medical nurses.

This team of ex military west Indian nurses is headed by a former Miss West Indies who is a  known political agitator, and was especially prominent  during the early seventies.    

These revelations has now been uncovered by a special DFCS unit set up by a suspecting Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, who successfully obtained a copy of the video via his links with a local Italian barber.

Supporting Driver Chard in his allegations is failed Karaoke singer Ray the Dust who has recently branched out in to apprehending Bail Bond dodgers, and has taken the nick name "Ray the Dog Dust" 

The facts were revealed to Basher at the last committee meeting and the results are only to evident from the photographic evidence posted here.

At present Basher Hurley has retreated from public duty and is believed too

 be emigrating to the West Indies.

Further details will be published in due course.   

GREEK CYPRIOT MOBSTER IN TITANIC SENSATION

GREEK CYPRIOT MOBSTER IN TITANIC SENSATION

Greek Cypriot shipping magnet, ex publican and part time parking attendant, Stavros “Big Jack” Artimartious, has stunned his friends and associates by allegedly releasing a press statement detailing his wish to resurrect the Titanic.

The over sized former publican has previously been extremely coy with regards his shipping interests, which are believed to exclusively consist of a fleet of dilapidated Narrow boats and pedalo's on the grand union canal in West Drayton.

These narrow boats and pedalo's were allegedly formerly used to transfer alcoholic and tobacco contraband from various locations in the United Kingdom to a series of secluded wharfs along the more rural sections of the canal.
       

It is alleged that he has been assisted in this operation by the prematurely grey and hugely obese semi alcoholic, Pat” LVO” Cannister.

The Greek Cypriots dubious plan, is to ensure that the duplicate Titanic is at sea in time to profit from his delusional belief that after Scotland obtains full independents, after the inevitable next vote on  devolution, the country will introduce alcoholic Prohibition.

The twisted thoughts of the megalomaniac mobster, are that after the onset of Prohibition in Scotland, the new Titanic will act as a gigantic bootleg runner, delivering alcohol from the rump of the United Kingdom, via the North and Irish seas, to dry Scotland.

Captain Jack also plans to attract underworld tourists, and hopes to also sell a full range of home made sandwiches and pies fresh from his range of light snacks and luncheon provisions, made by his fair wife. The occasional day trip to Calais or Oostende will also be considered.

It has been reported that Pat "LVO" Cannister has been appointed Masters Mate of the vessel, and indeed,Captain Big Jack has already starting referring the greying overweight schemer as "Mr Christian". 

Captain Jack  has recently approached both the Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) and the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG) seeking funding for the outrageous project.

Initially  the finance sub committee of BLOG were interested in the proposition. However, after a recent meeting where Big Jack and Pat LVO Cannister outraged the groups members by consuming sufficient alcohol to sink the Bismarck, the committee voted to dismiss the proposal.

Unabashed, Big Jack and the corpulent, diminutive bristle haired  Pat LVO descended on the DFCS with their ambitious plan to run prohibited alcohol in to Scotland after the expected implementation of prohibition.

The full imbibing and marine finance sub committee, headed by former chairman and president, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, subsequently invited the duo to discuss their proposal at the Duck

The meeting  started with Blodwyn Omaha introducing the bold duo to the committee and gainfully expressed  his belief that the ageing mariners were trustworthy as long as they remained sober.    

At this point Driver Chard was already eyeing the protagonists up with his beady yellowing eyes, his nose twitching as he noted Pat LVO remove his upper garment revealing approximately a hundred pounds of soft flabby flesh about his midriff. 

Driver Chard further shuffled  uncomfortably in his seat, as Captain "Big Jack" reached inside his xxxxx size jacket pocket, to remove a flask containing a the contents of a large Metaxa Brandy bottle, recently decanted  from his personal supply in his car.

At this moment, Barry Bazzer Duck gesticulated to the Captain that he required to sample the golden fire water, and soon he was swigging from the leather and stainless steel hip flask. The flask was soon passed round the table, with each committee member swallowing an enormous lug of brandy.

As this continued, Driver Chard was seen to be turning a bright shade of purple with beads of salty seat pouring from his wrinkled temple, whilst outlandishly talking in tongues.

Simultaneously, he grabbed at his shirt buttons as was soon pulling his Woolworth's cotton shirt and vest over his shaking head. Soon his grey slacks followed leaving the chair of the sub committee sitting in the centre of the table in nothing but his Fulham under garments, ankle socks with elasticised garters, and his ancient gamp (umbrella) unfurled above his head.

Subsequently the meeting had to be delayed to allow for medical attention to be administered to Driver Chard, as is usual after  his chairing a sub committee, and soon Chelsea Dave Duck had assumed the gavel.

The meeting was alas never to reach the stage where a vote could be cast, due to the ex military Hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley removing his shirt and challenging Captain Jack to a duel.

 The reason for the sudden explosion of violence being that Basher Hurley had noticed a Klu Klux Clan tattoo on the lower arm of the Greek Cypriot captain.

 In view of his past fiery relationship with a member of the Jamaican military auxiliary nursing service, this had inflamed Basher Hurley's warped sense of injustice, culminating in his prone body lying at the foot of the table after Captain Jack had floored him with one belt of his huge Greek fist.   

The meeting then broke up without a vote, and the matter of finance for the Titanic project has been left hanging in the balance.

A further meeting at the offices of BLOG is to be held soon and a cross Group meeting will discuss the proposed marine project at that time. 

Further details will be posted in due course.