GREEK CYPRIOT MOBSTER IN TITANIC SENSATION
Greek Cypriot shipping magnet, ex publican and part time parking attendant, Stavros “Big Jack” Artimartious, has stunned his friends and associates by allegedly releasing a press statement detailing his wish to resurrect the Titanic.
The over sized former publican has previously been extremely coy with regards his shipping interests, which are believed to exclusively consist of a fleet of dilapidated Narrow boats and pedalo's on the grand union canal in West Drayton.
These narrow boats and pedalo's were allegedly formerly used to transfer alcoholic and tobacco contraband from various locations in the 
The Greek Cypriots dubious plan, is to ensure that the duplicate Titanic is at sea in time to profit from his delusional belief that after Scotland obtains full independents, after the inevitable next vote on devolution, the country will introduce alcoholic Prohibition.
The twisted thoughts of the megalomaniac mobster, are that after the onset of Prohibition in Scotland, the new Titanic will act as a gigantic bootleg runner, delivering alcohol from the rump of the United Kingdom, via the North and Irish seas, to dry Scotland.
Captain Jack also plans to attract underworld tourists, and hopes to also sell a full range of home made sandwiches and pies fresh from his range of light snacks and luncheon provisions, made by his fair wife. The occasional day trip to Calais or Oostende will also be considered.
Captain Jack has recently approached both the Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) and the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG) seeking funding for the outrageous project.
Initially the finance sub committee of BLOG were interested in the proposition. However, after a recent meeting where Big Jack and Pat LVO Cannister outraged the groups members by consuming sufficient alcohol to sink the Bismarck
Unabashed, Big Jack and the corpulent, diminutive bristle haired Pat LVO descended on the DFCS with their ambitious plan to run prohibited alcohol in to Scotland after the expected implementation of prohibition.
The full imbibing and marine finance sub committee, headed by former chairman and president, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, subsequently invited the duo to discuss their proposal at the Duck
The meeting started with Blodwyn Omaha introducing the bold duo to the committee and gainfully expressed his belief that the ageing mariners were trustworthy as long as they remained sober.
At this point Driver Chard was already eyeing the protagonists up with his beady yellowing eyes, his nose twitching as he noted Pat LVO remove his upper garment revealing approximately a hundred pounds of soft flabby flesh about his midriff.
Driver Chard further shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, as Captain "Big Jack" reached inside his xxxxx size jacket pocket, to remove a flask containing a the contents of a large Metaxa Brandy bottle, recently decanted from his personal supply in his car.
At this moment, Barry Bazzer Duck gesticulated to the Captain that he required to sample the golden fire water, and soon he was swigging from the leather and stainless steel hip flask. The flask was soon passed round the table, with each committee member swallowing an enormous lug of brandy.
As this continued, Driver Chard was seen to be turning a bright shade of purple with beads of salty seat pouring from his wrinkled temple, whilst outlandishly talking in tongues.
Simultaneously, he grabbed at his shirt buttons as was soon pulling his Woolworth's cotton shirt and vest over his shaking head. Soon his grey slacks followed leaving the chair of the sub committee sitting in the centre of the table in nothing but his Fulham under garments, ankle socks with elasticised garters, and his ancient gamp (umbrella) unfurled above his head.
Subsequently the meeting had to be delayed to allow for medical attention to be administered to Driver Chard, as is usual after his chairing a sub committee, and soon Chelsea Dave Duck had assumed the gavel.
The meeting was alas never to reach the stage where a vote could be cast, due to the ex military Hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley removing his shirt and challenging Captain Jack to a duel.
The reason for the sudden explosion of violence being that Basher Hurley had noticed a Klu Klux Clan tattoo on the lower arm of the Greek Cypriot captain.
In view of his past fiery relationship with a member of the Jamaican military auxiliary nursing service, this had inflamed Basher Hurley's warped sense of injustice, culminating in his prone body lying at the foot of the table after Captain Jack had floored him with one belt of his huge Greek fist.
The meeting then broke up without a vote, and the matter of finance for the Titanic project has been left hanging in the balance.
A further meeting at the offices of BLOG is to be held soon and a cross Group meeting will discuss the proposed marine project at that time.
Further details will be posted in due course.
No comments:
Post a Comment