WANBABEE BEATNICK "THE MOSENNEL" DENIES LINK TO THE KGB

WANNABEE BEATNIK  "THE MOSENNEL" DENIES LINK TO THE KGB

Former Mitre regular and chronic somnambulist "The Mosennel" has denied recent reports that link him to the soviet secrete police and intelligence agency, the KGB. These alleged links have arisen from checks of the Moscow archives by the acceptance committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, whilst vetting "The Mossenell's  " application to the society.


The always eccentric and sometimes wannabee beatnik is known to have travelled on a regular basis to East Berlin during the final years of the soviet empire, when he was alleged to be at his most subversive.These trips only ceasing after the Berlin wall crumbled and a combination of perestroika and apathy took hold of the Soviet block.

Posing as a young Berliner, and adopting the standard beatnik dress code, "The Mosennel" would trawl the cafes and clubs of east Berlin searching for possible links to the KGB and the east German equivalent the Stasi. This troubled approach was at odds with the familiar stance of his extended family, which allegedly included the fanatical right winger and British Blackshirt "Oswald Mosley". 

It was during one of these visits to  East Berlin that he first developed his acute somnambulism that results in many casual observers believing that he has passed out due to over enthusiastic consumption of the weed, grape or malted barley.

Those who drank with "The Mosennel" during the hegemony of the Mitre public house, were aware of his duel life as an apprentice KGB enthusiast and fully understood that the standard passing out ritual was all a bluff to put the British counter intelligence services of his track.
 
The beatnik dress and laid back approach to life was also a useful rouse when approaching check point Charlie and the like, as the US and Russian boarder guards were thrown in to a false sense of security by his casual nonchalant look and countenance.   


However, with the fall of the eastern empire, the need to continue his duel existence was extinguished and "The Mosenelle" retreated to a sedate life in suburbia, which continues to this day.


The Duck Flat Cap Society , having considered all the evidence, and indeed his former membership of the fabled "Mitres" Bogus Beer Belly Battalion, have accepted his membership, and the Counter Espionage sub committee have elected him as a permanent chairman of the same.

FIRST LORD OF THE DUCK ON TRUMPED UP RACIAL ABUSE CHARGE

                                                        
    FIRST LORD OF THE DUCK ON TRUMPED UP RACIAL ABUSE CHARGE



Esteemed acting chairman and life president of the Duck Flat Cap Society,Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has been the subject of severe character assassination of late, due to ridiculous alleged  accusations of a racist nature.

These insidious allegations have been made by the semi literate and permanently inebriated part time ambulance operative "Mad Malcolm of the Duck", who delivered his obnoxious allegations to the golfing sub committee on Monday evening.      

Driver Chard of course  refutes these vile accusations and has stated that any conversation between the two individuals would have been during a fag break at the Duck, and as conventionally and internationally agreed, off the record.

It has long been known that "Mad Malcolm of the Duck" suffers from delusions of grandeur and is known by all the regulars as being in a constant state of inebriation. His highly aggravating and unsocial trade mark howl and guffaw of a laugh is reportedly copyrighted, although this is yet to be proven in court.   

The unsubstantiated allegations of racial abuse  that have been advance against Driver Chard are believed to be linked to a conversation between former military hard man "Basher Hurley" and Driver Chard  regarding  the Chards illustrious ancestor "Lt John Chard V.C. who survived the "Siege of Maffaking", Isandlwana and the famous stand off against the Zulu hoard at "Rorke's Drift".

It is alleged that Basher Hurley made a disparaging remark regarding the Zulu natives who advance against the British Army, resplendent in their Red Coats and armed with Rifles and cannon, with nothing but spears and shields. In response the Chard jumped to his feet and spluttering expletives allegedly stated that "those Bantu boys fought like Hottentots on fire and were as brave as my old dog nipper".

The ignorant "Mad Malcolm" forgetting that in England during the greater part of the 20th century, and in particular during the war years, "Nipper" was  a popular name for black dogs, and commonly used with no racial undertones.  It was of course in this context that Driver Chard chose to name his dog. 

Most famously, it was the name of a black labrador retriever dog belonging to Wing Commander Guy Gibson, and mascot of the RAF 617 squadron.

Returning to the bar area, Mad Malcolm began to spread malicious rumours to the effect that Driver Chard was conducting himself in an ungentlemanly manner and spouting racial obscenities.   

The matter was immediately discussed by representatives of the Duck Flat Cap Society and the pub management, and it was agreed that the matter would be placed on the back burner until a full meeting of the DFCS ethical and consumption committee at the end of the month.   

WINNY "ONE SEED" BROWN TO PLAY OTHELLO AT THE DUCK

WINNY "ONE SEED"  BROWN TO PLAY OTHELLO AT THE DUCK 

The aging fabled former “Wembley Foot Taper”, W W “One Seed” Brown, has been offered the role of “Othello” at the Duck Flat Cap Societies production of the Shakespeare classic.

His ex Wembley Foot Tapping colleague Ronny "Fish" Ferguson has expressed despair at this news and believes that it will all end in tragedy. Ronny is well aware that any additional excitement in the befuddled world of the former master of the dance floor, can lead to delusions of grandeur and could well led to the ex maestro of the turn table again turning to drink and herbs.

In his youth the mercurial "one seed" Brown had led a troubled life with many evenings ending with soggy newspaper on the bedroom floor or disgruntled parents mumbling their dissatisfaction at being awoken in the earlier hours and having to defend space in the matrimonial bed chamber.  

Away from home, as a member of the famed dance troup, "The Wembley Foot Tappers" One Seed lived the life of a Prince as he grooved his way around the dance floors of Britain and Europe. He often saved his best for the annual trip to Atlantis located in Margate, adjacent to the world famous Dreamland amusement park.  This dark cellar of a musical ecstasy was frequented by the dance floor elite during the hay day of of the funk explosion in the late 1970s, and as Lonny Liston and the like expressed their melodious tunage across the dance floor, "One seed" Brown would strut his funky stuff  with his trade mark white handkerchief placed strategically on his manicured Afro covered head. 

It is for these now quickly fadding magical moments that the Entertainment committe oif the "Duck Flat Cap Society" have agreed to employ him as their lead in the up and comming production of Othello. The fact that One Seed has only nominal acting experiance is of no consiquence, and the committe are willing to overlook this minor fact to ensure that another famous lover of the grape and grain is entrapped by the Duck Flat Cap Society and becomes a member alongside the great embibers of the past such as Burton, Reid and Moon.

Further details of the production will be published in due course.    
 

MAGNUS INTERCURSUS SIGNED BETWEEN THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY & MRS PATROON OF THE LOWER FIELD

MAGNUS INTERCURSUS SIGNED BETWEEN THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY MRS PATROON OF THE LOWER FIELD


The narcotics and Gun-running sub committee of the DFCS were celebrating yesterday as they signed a commercial treaty with Mrs Ignatius MacPatroon, owner of the fabled Lower and Upper fields situated at "The Village", for the supply of Heroin, Cocaine, Oil seed Rape, candle grease and Figs.
 
A further Magnus Intercursus has also been signed with Rosie Merryweather McSphincter , proprietor of "Rosie's Tea Shoppe and Nasal hair removal emporium", enabling the DFCS to market and sell Flat Caps at her delightful premises,which are conveniently situated adjacent to Mrs MacPatroon's upper field. 

The societies Golf section are close to signing an additional agreement with Big Boy Magoo, who resides at Cherry Cottage, for the exclusive use of the village golf and skittles course during the forty eight hours surrounding the summer solstice, so that the societies annual thrash can take place.  This event will take place along side the societies celebrations of the summer solstice at nearby Stonehenge and Avebury.

As usual, the solstice celebration will be attended by Loafing Smythe,a regular visitor to "The Village" who will lead proceeding after consuming the contents of the slop bucket at the local hostelry "The Plough and Condom", and parading through the village clothed in nothing bit his thickly knotted body hair and woad, until reaching the "Dog and Tampon" on hither side of the village, where another slop bucket is to be consumed in one almighty slurp.

It is hoped that these magnanimous agreements, made between the Duck Flat Cap Society and the various inhabitants of "The Village" will lead to close contact and interaction, to the benefit of all parties.

ORIGINAL EKEE THUMP REPRESENTATIVES TO VISIT DUCK

ORIGINAL EKEE THUMP REPRESENTATIVES TO VISIT DUCK

  
The Duck Flat Cap Society have been informed via their solicitors, Arthur C Fuckrudden & Co - "Lawyers to the Landed Gentry" that the original members of the northern "Ekee Thump Brigade", formerly known as "Eky Thump", have indicated that they wish to meet the entertainment and imbibing committee of the DFCS.

The original Eky Thump were established in the late seventeenth century, performing at county fairs and local hostelries, in particular on May day and all Saints day,  but fell in to obscurity before re emerging in the early 1970's. However, due to their appearances on television they soon became household names, and in particular became cult figures in the north of England.

It was this cult status in Cumbria and Lancashire that eventually led to the later formation of the current "Ekee Thump Brigade" by the semi inebriate "Dave the Teach" and his northern compatriot, the former military hard man "Basher Hurley".
The core cause for the formation of this northern grouping was to protest against the so called "southern namby pamby" Londoners wearing the flat cap, which they considered a badge of northern grit and graft. Their opposition to the Duck Flat Cap Society has been a mute point ever since, although as a gesture of good will Dave The Teach and the former Military hardman and Falkland Island ex Penguin, Basher Hurley have both been accepted as  full members of the DFCS.

A meeting has been arranged for Sunday week, and appropriate head gear is to be worn by all attending so as not to offend the illustrious members of Eky Thump as reformed and reconstituted for the goggle box in the 70's.

Details off the meeting will be posted here in due course.

REPUBLICAN OUTCRY AT THE DUCK

  REPUBLICAN OUTCRY AT THE DUCK

EXECUTION OF KING CHARLES 1

The Duck Flat Cap Society has rocked local opinion by indicating their support for the Republican cause, and the abolition of the monarchy in the UK.

The views of the DFCS have come to light after the recent Royal Wedding between the follically challenged Prince Wilhelm Mountbatten-Battenbourg and his "commoner" new wife, "kiss me" Kate Mountbatten-Battenbourg.

After the protracted proceedings relating to the ceremony, the debating section of the DCFS sat in full session to discuss the days events.  At the meeting, the elderly and cantankerous acting president, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, expressed his respect of the Royal Family although  was not impressed by the lack of military marching bands before and after the ceremony. However, the majority of the remainder of the committee were against the influence of the present Royal family, and tended to lean towards latent republicanism.


This is off course after the rejection notice received from Buckingham Palace concerning the DFCS recent  application for royal patronage. 

In particular, Dave "the Teach" and "Basher" Hurley both expressed their republican opinion, quoting the Interregnum and the execution of King Charles 1st as their inspiration.

As the only northern members of the Duck Flat Cap Society debating and imbibing committee, and their links to the "Ekee Thump Brigade" it is of no surprise that their support for the abolition of the monarchy and the creation of a new "Commonwealth" is unimpeachable.

As a result of the recent meeting, a new sub clause has been added to the standard rules and regulations of the society stating that the Duck Flat Cap Society is not in support of the Monarchy, and that all new members must accept that a "Cromwellian" attitude will be taken when matters concerning the Royal Family are discussed at society meetings.

MAD ALBERT DISEASE STRIKES DOWN POPULAR MIDGET PLUMBER

MAD ALBERT DISEASE STRIKES DOWN POPULAR MIDGET PLUMBER


Minuscule marvel and founder member of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" (DFCS), Les "Little Legs" Parks, has sadly started to reveal attributes of the debilitating illness commonly known as "Mad Albert Disease".

The slow onset of the disease has been noted by various members of the DFCS and has become particularly noticeable of late. At a recent meeting of the society's Golfing sub section, it was clearly apparent as the diminutive "Little Legs" continually lifted his tee shirt to reveal and expose his greatly expanded belly.

This behaviour was considered mildly offensive and quite frankly not in good taste, but was tolerated by all but the authoritarian and stiff upper lipped acting DFCS chairman, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff".

His recent state of mind has often worried the committee, but this was previously attributed to his semi permanent alcoholic state, use of barbiturates and the constant chewing of khat & cocoa leaves. This sadly was not the full truth and the early onset of Mad Albert Disease can only lead to worsening behaviour.

Indeed the committee of the Golfing section have already passed a vote to the effect that he will no longer be driving the Golf Buggy at the forthcoming golfing trip to the Iberian Costa's.

Les "Little Legs" Parkes will continue to be monitored by his fellow members of the DFCS, and a decision whether he is considered well enough to keep his society flat cap will be held by St Georges Day.