RAY THE DUST IN GARBAGE INTRIGUE

RAY THE DUST IN GARBAGE INTRIGUE

Unsubstantiated reports state that the failed karaoke singer and part time garbage disposal officer, Ray the Dust, has allegedly been forcefully removed from a local government premises, after a tempestuous display of outrage linked to his failed attempt to allegedly secure garbage disposal rights at a seat of Government. 

For many years, the honour of removing garbage from a prestigious government property has been offered to the local authority’s finest operative. This, as many know, does not fit the description of Ray the Dust, due in part to his constant absence from his position because of feigned illness and injury.

As a serial abuser of privilege, The Dust has continued to receive the standard back handers from tradesmen, as local grocers and traders seek to dispose of their excess packaging.  

After a number of years this nice little earner has ceased to be as lucrative as the recession continues to take its hold, and the funds finding their way in to the Dusts pocket have been drastically dwindling.  

Therefore the overweight lovable rogue hatched a plan that involved immigrating to the USA and obtaining employment as a garbage disposal officer in Washington DC.

After preliminary investigations involving a couple of dubious visits to the seedier bars and brothels of Washington, The Dust returned to the UK to hatch his alleged plan with his diminutive buddy, Pepe Le Puke. 

  

 

News of this devious plan inevitably leaked and the Duck Flat Cap Society was advised of Ray the Dust's intentions.

The DFCS called an extraordinary meeting of the “Ethics and Procrastination” subcommittee to discuss the planned infiltration of the cities garbage disposal operation. 

 

The meeting was chaired by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff and included northern subversive and part timer brothel keeper Dave the Teach, ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley and Chelsea Dave Duck.

Also attending the meeting, although not having a vote, was Bazza Duck, who was considered too close to Ray the Dust due to his resent stint as a garbage disposal officer.

  

Driver Chard, acting Chairman and society spokesman on all matters involving a political bias or football, was empowered with special powers to call witnesses to the stand, and as such his first point of action was to suggest the issue of subpoenas, for the President and Cary Grant to attend the meeting to give evidence.

 

It was quickly pointed out to the aged Chairman that Cary Grant had been dead for many years and that the President of the USA was unlikely to attend due to important alternative engagements. 

  

However, Driver Chard, was not going to rescind his earlier proclamation that the President attends the committee meeting, but did concede that it was probably best that the deceased Cary Grant did not attend.

Unsubstantiated reports allege that he immediately proposed that Jack Klugman attended in place of Cary Grant, and again the confused Driver Chard was advised of the problems in his attendance, due to his being deceased.

After many hours wasted explaining to the purple faced chairman that his proposed attendees were dead, it was finally agreed that Pepe Le Puke would be the second witness to be subpoenaed and the appropriate papers were soon issued.

The stuttering and dribbling chairman then called for the press to be in attendance and requested that the full proceedings be broadcast live by the BBC over the wireless and relayed to the cinemas of the British Empire and Commonwealth via packet steamer and Pathe News Reel.   

Pepe le Puke was soon giving evidence to the committee and after swearing an oath on an old Tottenham Hotspurs FC programme, confirmed that he was indeed a colleague and friend of Ray the Dust, but refused to agree that he had any knowledge relating to the alleged plan to infiltrate any garbage disposal operations in the USA .

   

 

Driver Chard called for email evidence to be provided by Pepe le Puke to the subcommittee so that his claims could be confirmed.

 In defence, Pepe le Puke advised the bench that all his e mails and other electronic documents were in the hands of the civil authorities due to his alleged links to a British Sunday newspaper and the associated phone hacking enquiry.

Chairman Driver Chard now in a distressed state and stripped to his imitation fur briefs and sweat stained singlet, dismissed the diminutive corpulent midget and stated that his pocket money would be suspended for three weeks and that he as to drink no milk with his cookies before bed. 

 

  

The befuddled chairman, his eyes bulging from their sockets, was quickly led away and sedated with a double brandy.

 Basher Hurley performed his special resuscitation technique on the grey haired pensioner, and Driver Chard was soon being escorted home by the sexologist.

The meeting was then cancelled and the matter of Ray the Dusts alleged plans to infiltrate overseas garbage disposal systems was dismissed until further investigations have been carried out by the Duck Flat Cap Society internal affairs division.