THE SOMNAMBULISTS CONVICTION

THE SOMNAMBULISTS CONVICTION

Ex backroom karaoke crooner and part time Lothario, "Ray the Dust", has recently been diagnosed with a sever dose of "Kriegsfeld Symbiotic Somnambulism" , which renders the aging ex part time  dust cart operative unconscious at the slightest mention of work.

The Dust has also taken to self harming himself so that he can refrain from attending any kind of work. Recent articles have detailed the continued "Toe Fetish" that the Dust continues to show severe symptoms of, and this together with his chronic Kriegsfeld Symbiotic Somnambulism  have in the past enabled the  failed Karaoke crooner to miss work for in excess of three months.

However, the Dust continues to deny his aversion of any work, and indeed refuses to believe that he continuously falls asleep due to his chronic illness. In fact he continually shows scant disregard to his affliction, to the extent that he proposes to apply for an audition on the next instalment of the X Factor.   

In this respect he has recently appointed his elder brother "Spike" Hudson to act as his manager and agent during his attempt to appear on the X Factor. This is despite "Spikes" earlier stint as manager that led to to Ray the Dusts immediate eviction from the Duck In the Pond amateur talent contest.The Dust continues to attribute this shambles of an appearance down to the jury being nobbled, but all those who were present at the apocalyptic rendering of Les Greys and Mud's "Tiger Feet" know the sad truth.

That said, the Dust did obtain some relief from the ritualistic shaming that he received that evening from his later, off the cuff rendition of "God Save the Queen" when urinating outside the Duck after his early eviction from the event. This was witnessed by long time colleague and fellow part time refuse driver "Pepe le Puke" and his part time unofficial love interest Micky "good boy "Ince.

Although ritually partially drunk, they both admitted that the bolt upright rendition of the Queens favourite, was top notch, and hit all the right places with his  "a Capella" version of the National Anthem. Indeed, "Good boy" Incy wincy admitted that the soulful tune brought a tear to his eyes and a mild erection in the trouser area.

    However, the less said about this sad gay relationship the better, as both these aging Lothario's are in deep denial of their relationship. Although as can be seen from the photographic evidence, there feelings for each other are quite obvious.

Returning to the Dusts attempt to return to the stage, it has also come to note, that he has secretly been practicing a new double act with a leading member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Dave the Duck.

The long time Chelsea supporter and founding member of the society, has been acting strange of late, and although not fully revealed to the full membership of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiiff revealed the close kept secret by mistake when offering his heart felt condolences to Dave the Duck , after witnessing a practice by Chelsea Dave and his close buddy, the Ex Military Hard Man and Sexologist "Basher" Hurley, who has designs on making the duo a trio.       

In this effect, Basher Hurley has for some time been perfecting a rhythmic rendition of the dialogue normally associated with a person with chronic Tourettes syndrome, and can often be heard shouting obscenities across the wide open spaces of the Duck. Not to be out done, Chelsea Dave the Duck has also taken to this ritualistic swearing and has indeed been warned by the management to cease this obscene behaviour.  

The fact remains that the Dust is convinced that his chronic somnamlistic behaviour is non existent and that he has the ability to render an audience in to raptures of ecstasy through his rendition of Mack the Knife or other similar songs of his youth.

A full meeting of the Duck Flat Cap Society will convene on the Dusts return from his latest excursion abroad, and the committee will discuss the Dusts membership, with a view to termination.

 

Further details in due course.

DFCS IN "FLAT EARTH" SCANDAL

DFCS IN "FLAT EARTH" SCANDAL

At a resent meeting of the Geographical Research and Phlebotomy sub committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard once again caused an uproar with his declaration that the Earth is not round but flat !

He based his outrageous outburst on an article that he observed in a back issue of "The Flat Earth Times", that he had stumbled across in the British Legion library. The article, which had been removed from the publication by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff , was  a report submitted by an investigative team from the " Potsdam and Lubeck Institute of Flat Earth Studies and Curling".

The article referred to previously unknown documents that had recently been uncovered by archivists at the "Moscow & Stalingrad School of KGB Studies". The document was believed to be a photo copy of a secret report issued by NASA during the preparation for the Apollo moonshot in 1968.

This report noted that the astronauts of the successive Apollo missions had constantly contradicted known science by swearing that the view of the earth from their space capsule indicated that the Earth was not an ecliptic sphere, but in fact as flat as a proverbial pancake.



It also stated that photographs and film footage supposedly showing the Earth as a sphere were the result of advanced photographic  technology that had been obtained at the time of the Alien incident at  Roswell, and that the moon landings did take place , but not on a spherical Moon , but on a flat moon similar to the earth.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, who was only just recovering from his previous incident concerning the one handed driving of Spencer Tracy, suddenly became very emotional and started to shake.

He was immediately comforted by Dave the Duck, who expressed his belief that the Chard was correct in his assessment of the Earths lack of curvature, and agreed that the Earth must be flat, because when he plays golf the greens are always flat and that it the Earth was round the ball would fall away from the cup.

At this the remaining members of the sub Committee huddled together and quickly arranged for an ambulance to take the troubled duo to the local hospital for extensive medical investigation. However, after a few hours in a padded cell they were heavily medicated and returned to the Duck.

At that moment the northern agitator and geographical professor, Dave The Teach, grabbed the gavel and declared the meeting well and truly over, and declaring that the Earth is indeed spherical and not flat, and that the findings of the " Potsdam and Lubeck Institute of Flat Earth Studies and Curling" were not new and had been debated at length in 1971 at the Walney Teachers convention.The convention had dismissed the report out of hand and had delivered the offending article to the KGB at the next meeting of the National Union of Teachers.



Matters then deteriorated quickly, with ex hard man and Sexologist Basher Hurley siding with his northern compatriot, and the remaining members, including a dazzled and befuddled Bazzer Duck siding with his golfing mentor Driver Chard.


The meeting then came to a close as Driver Chard and Dave the Duck were once again escorted from the premises, and placed in to the rear of a large yellow van with Broodmore stenciled on its side.

More on this unsettling incident in due course.

DRIVER CHARD HAS "BAD DAY AT THE DUCK" IN SPENCER TRACY SLUR

DRIVER CHARD HAS "BAD DAY AT THE DUCK" IN SPENCER TRACY SLUR

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff , acting Charmain and President of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" has outraged the societies membership by bad mouthing the former Hollywood great, Spencer Tracy.

At a recent meeting of the Cultural and Cinematography sub committee convened to discuss a viewing of Spencer Tracy films, it came to light that Diver Chard has never been impressed by the famous actors one handed driving skills as executed in Bad day at Black Rock.

Driver Chard went on to explain that as a Driver in the British Army, he was trained to drive his vehicle one handed in case a limb or hand was lost in an explosion, or rendered unfit for use by a bullet or mortar shell. This training took place in the Egyptian desert, under similar condition to those experienced by Tracey in the film.

Driver Chard was particularly upset at the lack of hand signals, and the offending actors habit of holding his hat to his head with his driving hand. This was expressly forbidden under military rules, and was punishable by five stokes of the commanding officers cane to the bare posterior of the offending driver.

This point was strongly made by Driver Chard, who also agreed that he occasionally removed a hand from the wheel so that he could receive  the punishment from his C.O as this was a nice change from the local cross dressing Arab  hookers who offered the same back at the barracks.

The Duck Flat Cap Society sub committee members were some what taken aback by these revelations and a vote was was swiftly taken to ascertain whether the DFCS would support Driver Chard in his denunciation of the driving skills of the famed American actor. A show of hands soon exhibited a spilt in the opinions of the sub committee with non driving Bazzer Duck and the northern reactionary Dave the Teach both agreeing that the aging actor was a poor driver and should have been publicly admonished for his shoddy driving.

Both these supporters of the Chards opinion expressed a belief that they will soon be able to demonstrate the correct way to drive one handed when they drive the Golf Buggy on the Society's trip to Iberia which takes place shortly.

On the other hand, ex military hard man Basher Hurley and Dave Duck were both in favour of the silver haired actor, and both agreed that they would demonstrate that there was no alternative to the way that the Jeep was driven in the film. In particular, the various swerves that were taken to evade bullets and the interaction of other vehicles was inevitable, and a demonstration of this was also to be re enacted at the up and coming golfing event.

Driver Chard at this stage became very agitated and marched to the bar so as to order a further trio of beverages, and returning to his seat with his face cherry coloured through rage. As he fell back on to his seat he further erupted in fury as his beermats had been taken by an unsuspecting member of the bar staff, and after removing three mats from his jacket and placing his pints of bitter upon them, turned to the assembled committee and retorted "whats going on here then".

 

 After a couple of minutes Dave the Duck approached the Chard with the subject that we had been debating, only for the Chard to denied any knowledge of the film, and that he was never a driver in the armed forces but had flown missions for the Nationalists in the Spanish Civil War. At that point the sub committee decided to break for the day and to reconvene at a latter date when Driver Chard had regained his mind and the tablets had had time to function.  

A further report will be submitted if and when the DFCS members return from the proposed trip to the Iberian Peninsula.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020