THE WAR OF CHARD'S EAR

THE WAR OF CHARD'S EAR

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society (D.F.C.S), has sensationally declared war on Spain over the present dispute with Gibraltar.

Driver Chard sites provocation going back to the War of Jenkins ear and the subsequent War of the Austrian succession. Driver Chard claiming direct ancestry on his mothers side to Captain Jenkins, whose severed ear gave rise to the name of the war bearing his name.

Driver Chard further claims that on his last trip to the Iberian peninsular an over enthusiastic passport officer at the port of Malaga, tried to severe his ear after an altercation concerning an illegal package of snuff, a whip made from a camels tail, and an old copy of the Spectator ridiculing General Franco.

After protracted discussions, and in his duel role as the acting joint chief of staff, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has allegedly authorised the departure of a military naval and airborne task force to convey a detachment of D.F.C.S and BLOG volunteers to the Mediterranean outpost of British colonial rule.

The joint task force will again be receiving support from various affiliates, including the “Ecky Thump Brigade” based in north western England. This affiliate continues to be headed by the strong minded ex Teacher. “Dave the Teach”, and will be supporting the joint task force by sending a number of war hardened ex military hard-men, trained by his compatriot sexologist and triple heart bypass survivor, Basher “Rasta man” Hurley.

A recently intercepted dispatch from GCHQ allegedly stipulates that the joint military venture has been sanctioned by the British Government, the UN and NATO. This is yet to have been verified by an official release, although unconfirmed additional intercepted ciphers from the State intelligence services of numerous former Cold War enemy’s of the west, allegedly confirm the legitimacy of the reports. 

At the North London base of the joint command, Driver Chard has additionally assumed the rank's of Admiral and Field Marshall, and has donned the appropriate uniform at recent meetings, which he has adorned with medals from his previous military service in Egypt, Wealdstone and North Africa.

He will off course continue to wear his Fulham FC shirt, shorts and socks and suspenders under his uniform, and place a whistle between his cracked lips in case of an infringement during the committee meeting.

 However, he has denied access to military uniforms for the remainder of the high command as he feels that this will undermine his authority. He will however, allow the wearing of standard issue flat caps and if requested a fully functional Deerstalker will be tolerated.
Pork pie hats together with any form of Russian or eastern European winter gear will not be allowed at any cost, together with any form of sombrero.

This is to be challenged at an eminent meeting of the full Duck Flat Cap and BLOG military invasion and occupation sub committee, which is to be attended by all personnel. In this respect, Basher Hurley has informed the high command that he is to seek special privileges and wear the uniform of the SAS in view of his previous brief spell as a latrine cleaner when sharing accommodation in Naples, Italy.

It is of a more disturbing note that as with the previous expedition to the Falkland Islands, Pepe le Puke and Ray the Dust have informed various cohorts that they are to seek permission to wear the uniform of the Nazi Waffen SS, as they are drawn to the high decorative detail of the epaulets and cuffs, and are divinely in love with the dagger and death head motifs.       

In addition to the D.F.C.S faction within the alliance, The Bohemian League of Gentleman have also been debating how best to support the action from their home base in Metroland.

 Unlike the D.F.C.S, there has been no problem with a uniform for the BLOG defence Corp, as they were unanimous in agreeing to re use the orange and purple fatigues, utility belt and thigh high rubber Doctor Martins used in the earlier campaign to relieve the Falklands.. As before, in addition an 18 inch rubber truncheon is worn down the front of the trousers at all times. 

The groups special representative for political and metaphysical affairs, "Lord Louis Loafington Smythe – Barron", has been in the forefront with regards to home security, and has arranged for a fully mechanised Camel division to be on standby at all times.

 This magnificent effort has been supported by the "Mossenelle" who in his capacity as an ex East German spy has been in the forefront in arranging the deciphering of the encrypted messages detailed earlier in this report.

Indeed together with Boozy Creed, the Italian Stallion, Chairman Get Karter and the Big Marty Blainster, the Mosenelle has formed a deep relationship with the intelligence unit attached to the D.F.C.S, and previous work on the Big Bobbidy Bob affair and the earlier joint D.F.C.S and Bohemian advance to relieve the Falkland Islands, has meant that deciphering the codes has been an easy task.

 

Indeed, it is believed that the listening station based in Benidorm has already been in receipt of deciphered codes intercepted back in Metroland and the Duck.

As previously during the joint action to save the Falkland Islands,the diminutive Sapper Cox has been excused from this task, as he has been acting a batman and personal aide to Winny WWB Brownoski. 

Brownoski has himself been tasked with creating a spectacular and magnificent marching rhythm for the group to accompany a swift advance through occupied Spanish territory if the Special Forces are required to go behind enemy lines.

 As tension rises, a decision on a strike date is required and a full meeting of the joint heads of staff and their full military command  will be held shortly, after which a full report will be posted here.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020