Seth Brown sat at his usual seat in his local pub thinking about the days events.
Drinking a pint of warm bitter and nibbling on a packet of stale potato crisps, he sighed as he pulled his crumpled note book from his jacket pocket and folded the cover back to reveal a multitude of his wild scribblings.
Only hours earlier, Seth Brown had been standing in the middle of Ma Baker's lower field holding the largest human skull he had ever seen. The white cranium was detached from the rest of the skeleton, and had been uncovered a number of inches below the clinging top soil.
Astonished by his find, he placed his Truffle trowel in to his spacious jacket pocket and knelt on the ground beside the decapitated cranial structure. His pet dog, Pepe, wagged his tale as he pawed at his masters arms, twisting his pink tongue about his snout whilst whimpering for a reward. Seth reached in to his trouser pocket and retrieving a packet of peppermints held his hand out so that Pepe could snaffle up his reward.
The mandible was no longer attached but had laid undisturbed next the the blanched cranium, its muscles and tendons that previously attached the projecting jaw to the rest of the skull long disintegrated. However next to the dismembered bones was a small red wallet that contained little other than a telephone number and an old black and white photograph of a man completing the Western Roll over a high jump hurdle.
Placing the Skull and Mandible in to a plastic bag, Seth returned to his old land-rover and after coaxing Pepe to jump in to the back with another peppermint, drove the short distance to his cottage in the village. After brewing a cup of Yorkshire Tea, Seth placed the white bones on his kitchen table and retrieving the telephone number discovered in the old red wallet, telephoned the number on his old land line- Arnold 3347.
The phone rang for a number rings and was then answered by a woman exclaiming that the caller had reached the residence of Archibald Galbraith, "Taxidermist to the landed gentry". The caller went on to describe the various services that the Taxidermists offered, and listed a comprehensive list of prices associated with the stuffing and otherwise preserving of dead creatures, ending with a complex series of costs for the preservation and presentation by mounting, of a member of the human race.
Seth took his note pad from his jacket pocket and laboriously scribbled down the various price structures dictated by the representative of Archibald Galbraith, "Taxidermist to the landed gentry". The prices were all astronomical and well out of reach of the retired truffle collector, and wiping his brow with an old purple and orange cravat, returned the phone to the receiver, and pushed his glasses up on to his forehead..
Seth then remembered that as well as the telephone number, there was also an old photograph to inspect. Grabbing the soiled wallet he stared at the faded photograph and turned the photo over to inspect its reverse. There, to his surprise, was an inscription in small block capitals that read,
"To the finder of this photograph and my deceased body - It has always been my intention for my remains to be preserved and displayed in my local hostelry so that the members of my society may include me in their discussions when debating society business. Please ensure my wishes are enacted or the curse of Little Legs Parks and Mad Albert disease will descend upon you and your decedents. Yours faithfully, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff".Seth, now wondered what he could do as he had little money but did not wish to upset the spirits and enable the wrath of Driver Chard to descend upon his lonely but comfy life. At that moment he remembered an old chemistry set that was located in his cellar, and that he was in the habit of retaining large quantities of formaldehyde in case he was suddenly called upon to embalm road kill or pets.
The chemicals, together with a couple of marbles and a large wedge of modelling clay, enabled Seth to quickly embellish the skull and mandible to such an extent that a myopic one eyed drunk may consider the likeness to be that of the high jumper in the old black and white photograph. To finish the job, and old fish tank was conveniently just the correct size to take the reconstructed head within its scratched and opaque plastic walls.
With the wonder of taxidermy complete, Seth drove the short distance to the Duck in the Pond, and after a short discussion with the landlord, placed the reconstructed head of Driver Chard upon the wall of the pub, conveniently adjacent to the Duck Flat Cap Societies debating table.
Seth took another sip from his warm pint of bitter and closed his faded note book thinking "Job Done" and with a smile across his face tilted his face towards the Head of Chard and collapsed stone dead from a heart attack, as the dismembered mock piece of taxidermy winked back at him and flipped over within the confines of his plastic container!
RIP John Chard.
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