THE UN BOTHERING OF ELIZABETH FERNKETTLE
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| Elizabeth Fernkettle |
After the turgid and painful birth of Elizabeth Fernkettle, she had a very sheltered childhood with little or no friends. Indeed, the only person she knew other than her mother was the rent collector who extracted his due's in ways other than monetary.
The overweight landlord would visit the family on a weekly basis and would refuse to leave until Ernestine had performed the grotesque task of pleasuring the septuagenarian collector by tickling his feet and bursting his bulbous boils and blisters. She would complete the grooming process by licking the remaining scummy residue clean with her tongue and hideous toothless deformed mouth.
Her father Nathaniel, had died mysteriously days after her birth and his name or presence was never mentioned by her grotesque mother Ernestine , who soon reverted to her maiden name"Monkfish".
Elizabeth had weighed fifteen pounds at birth and her mother never forgave her for the pain she endured during her protracted birth.
However, Elizabeth endured all her mother could throw at her and at the age of sixteen she left home to search for details of her long dead father, Nathaniel Fernkettle.
She had managed to obtain some information from her mothers tormentor, the foot fetish indulging rent collector, when she overheard a conversation confirming her deceased father as a Ferret Trainer with an intelligence verging on that of a sombalistic village idiot.
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| Village idiot |
She also noted between the sighs, farts and groans emanating from the rent collectors reddened orifice's, that he was from Otley, and liked a pint of best Yorkshire ale.
With these few details she gathered her sparse belongings in a small basket and slipped out the door whilst her mother fermented a dilution of boil pus and blister fluid, which she would use to smooth the feet of her tormentor when he called for his weekly portion of toe sucking fornication and boil bursting.
The mixture was also bottled by the hideous wretch and sold as a phlegm loosener under the name "Madam Monkfish's Elixir" in the markets and shops of Bradford and Leeds.
With her sparse belongings and snippets of information regarding her father, Elizabeth silently and solemnly left the village that she had grown up in and ventured upon the lonely track towards Otley, Yorkshire. She soon stumbled across a milestone indicating that she was traveling in the wrong direction, and that she was on the outskirts of Leeds.
In need of sustenance and sleep, she slipped in to Leeds and crept in to an Inn where she slept in a outhouse containing dried herrings and oatcakes, which she consumed in a ferocious manner before becoming overwhelmed by severe diarrhea and flatulence.
The continuous farting and heaving of her bowels soon gave her away to the Inn Keeper who discovered her defecating in a sack of broken oat cakes.
However, instead of scolding the stinking shivering wretch, the Inn Keeper took sympathy on Elizabeth and after throwing a couple of pales of water over her stinking body, allowed her to enter his kitchen.
He spoke in a deep Yorkshire brogue and revealed that his name was Thomas Boycott, the son and heir of a long line of coopers and licensed victulars. He had a large bushy moustache and dresses in a waistcoat and breeches, with a gold chain and watch stretched across his ample stomach.
He sat Elizabeth on a barrel next to the open fire and told her to remove her sodden stinking clothes and dress in the garment that he had deposited next to her. She glanced across at the stout In Keeper and when he averted his stare and faced the wall, removed her clothing and replaced it with the smock provided by the avuncular Thomas Boycott.
She stood bolt upright and looked down at her new apparel. She was pleased by what she saw but was surprised and somewhat astonished to see the name "Fernkettle" emblazoned across the middle of the garment. Breathing heavily she quickly gained the attention of Thomas Boycott, who had shaved his moustache and placed a white hanky on his head, and asked why the smock was embroidered with her surname.
Thomas Boycott stared back at Elizabeth and asked her woe old she was. She quickly answered that she was sixteen and from a poor home in a village a few miles from Otley.
Thomas Boycott fell back a couple of paces and reached for a pitcher of ale that was on the table adjacent to the fire.
He drowned the contents of the pitcher in good time and wiping the froth from his moustache gestured at Elizabeth to come towards him.
He quietly and quickly explained that when he was a younger man he had injured himself when leaving a hostelry in Otley and was the unfortunate victim of a monstrous woman who went by the name of Ernestine Monkfish.
He had managed to escape her clutches by arranging for his own false death after coming to an arrangement with the Rent Collector, who had reasons to be alone with the outrageous Monkfish woman.
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| A relation of Ernestine Monkfish |
After a fee paid by way of a couple of foot rubs and toe sucks, the Rent Collector had agreed to stand as a witness to the local coroners court to confirm that he had found the dead body of Nathaniel Fernkettle, and that his body was lost by being swept away in the local river.
Nathaniel had then left the village under cover of darkness and settled in Leeds after renewing his fathers trade of barrel making and inn keeping. He never forgot the daughter he had left behind, and insisted that his new wife, who had subsequently died of typhoid, changed her name to Elizabeth Fernkettle after his beloved lost daughter.
Thus the garment now covering the emaciated shriveled body of Elizabeth Fernkettle was embroidered with her own name, and the large inn keeper standing in front of her was her father.
To be continued in due course..................................
