"DRIVER CHARD" IN REPUBLICAN REFERENDUM UPROAR

"DRIVER CHARD" IN REPUBLICAN REFERENDUM UPROAR

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has caused a constitutional uproar at the Duck Flat Cap Society by demanding a plebiscite on the future of the fabled Duck Flat Cap Society.

Encouraged by the recent protestations of the Scottish National Party (SNP) for full independence from the United Kingdom, acting President and Chairman of the DFCS, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" is insisting that the societies  membership vote on full devolution from the UK, in respect of the land and buildings held by and under the control of the DFCS and it's membership.

The cantankerous septuagenarian has long fostered a belief that the United Kingdom has let the English populace down, mainly due to his belief that the Suez crises was a disgrace to the English race, and was a cheap, badly thought out, stab in the back to the British fighting "Tommy".

DRIVER CHARD

Those familiar with these reports will be aware that Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff was stationed in Egypt during his brief military career, and that he was discharged from the service shortly before the Suez crisis.

The reason for his discharge is rarely discussed, but military records obtained by ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, reveal that he was discharged after an unsavoury incident involving a camel, an Egyptian dancing girl, and as the chard would describe, a gamp (umbrella).

The mentally unstable "Driver Chard" has continued to resent the interference of the USA in the affairs of the United Kingdom, but also fostered a strong feeling that the British government was and is too weak, and a willing pawn in the foreign affairs of the USA, whilst they strive and plan for, continued  political and monitory domination of the world.

Due to these unbalanced feelings Driver Chard has long wished that his beloved Duck Flat Cap Society" would succeed from the United Kingdom, and form an independent state, named "The Republic of  Duckwych".

The name "Duckwych"  being borrowed from "Dragonwych", one of Driver Chard's favourite films staring his hero and fantasy male role model, Vincent Price.

Driver Chard's stance has been discussed by the "DFCS", and the "Imbibing and sovereignty" sub committee have decided that it is not appropriate for a referendum to take place until the mental stability of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" has been fully established.

This is to be achieved by at least three independent medical doctors conducting a full test of his mental agility and stability, and an appropriate affidavit confirming the Chard's healthy state of mind, signed by  his legal attorney together with an independent lawyer appointed by the "Legal and Litigation" sub section of the DFCS, namely "Arthur J Fukrudden & Co - solicitors to the landed gentry". 

At present, it is unlikely that the appropriate documents will be forthcoming, as at recent meetings of the full Duck Flat Cap Society, as acting president and chairman, "Driver chard" has taken to wearing a 1947 Fulham FC football kit together with a fake copy of the Victoria Cross and other medals obtained in his brief military career as a 1st class driver.

This regalia is topped off with a black top hat perched on his greying head, and a pair of black and white spats on his lower legs and feet.

This sad misbehaviour is further enhanced by his handing out to the remaining committee members, a collection of fading signed photographs of failed Karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative "Ray the Dust", in a number of compromising positions, mainly with the diminutive and overweight fellow dust cart operative "Pepe Le Puke".

RAY THE DUST

The authenticity of the photographs are not doubted, as similar seedy shots were uncovered during "Ray the   Dusts" recent fall from grace in to his own personnel mental trough , following his dismissal from the Karaoke circuit and associated  pub singing underworld, so vicariously loved by the overweight and ageing Lothario.

The negatives are currently being investigated by "Dave the Teach" and northern compatriot " Basher Hurley", to see if they can be  reproduced for the next  issue of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" periodical - "Flat Caps, Deerstalkers and other headgear".

The next edition is due in the early spring, and will be edited by "Chelsea Dave the Duck", who will assisted by "Bazzer Duck" who will provide an article entitled "Grave digging and coin collecting in the 21st century".

BAZZA DUCK

However, returning to "Driver Chard", his ability to sink three pints of real ale has not diminished, so all is not lost, and a full mental recovery may be forthcoming. Therefore all further activity regarding the proposed plebiscite is to be postponed until further notice.



R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

"RAY THE DUST" IN KRAY BROS CRIME LINK

                           “RAY THE DUST” IN KRAY BROS CRIME LINK

RAY THE DUST

Former pub singer, failed Karaoke singer  and  part time Dust cart operative, “Ray the Dust” has shocked the Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) by revealing previously unknown links to the notorious Kray Brothers crime syndicate.

The ageing, overweight somnambulistic lothario, has finally released documentary evidence that links him to a previously unknown crime ring headede by the Krays, operating in Croydon and Brighton. "Ray the Dust" was a key operative in an operation that procured danger money from a string of Wimpey bars, hairdressers and amusement arcades located across southern England.

The Dust would call on the sad intimidated operators of the various establishments on his old second hand, rust ridden Vespa scooter, collecting revenue for onward transmission to the Kray’s headquarters in  London’s East End.  Although the Dust was understandadly considered a lightweight by those who he extorted hard earned cash from, he was protected from their outrage by the menace of the master thugs whom he worked for.

On more than one occasion the always overweight and slow witted “Ray the Dust” was targeted by the law, in particular when he stole a bright yellow scooter from the Brighton sea front, so as to  make good an escape after robbing the local  Biafra emergency collection centre.

Whilst attempting to flee the chasing mark 2 Jaguar police car, the dust managed to throw the charitable collection in to the back of a passing dust cart, before crashing the bright yellow banana scooter and damaging his foot in the process.

The Dust was subsequently interviewed by the local constabulary, but deemed to unremarkable  to be responsible for any crime other than stealing the scooter, and released to return to Croydon on the next available train.

The Dust was subsequently fined 10 Shilling and had 3 points added to his fake provisional Isle of Man driving licence.

Thus began Ray the Dusts long association with the old bill, damaged feet and a love of dust carts. 




Although no full criminal record was recorded against the Dust, the incident with the law has continued to embarrass the portly  crooner throughout his eventful life. 

This mainly manifesting its ugly self when arriving at check ins at airports and a timely computer check of his passport reveals his criminal past, embarrassing the Dust and delaying all in his party.

Returning to his former life of extortion and crime, the dust continued his seedy life of criminality, until one weekend whilst staying at the Bognar Regis Butlins Holiday camp, and during a heavy thunder storm the dust was encouraged by an over active Red Coat to sing a medley of Andy Williams, Perry Como and Val Doonican songs to a sad captive audience of Junior Beavers.   

Falsely encouraged by his weak performance the Dust began to miss the regular gang meetings as all his time was taken up in back street pubs and clubs singing Mat Munroe and Perry Como cover versions, in particular " Hoop Dee Doo".

Before long Ray the Dust was banned from all the clubs and pubs in the area with the exception of Croydon Odeon, which allowed him to sing at Saturday morning pictures.                                                                                                                

RAY THE DUST

              

The rest is now history with the Dust singing his way across the Karaoke bars of Britain and Europe sending both himself and his audience to an early slumber.