RAY THE DUST IN SUMO SENSATION

RAY THE DUST IN SUMO SENSATION

RAY THE DUST

Failed Karaoke singer and  former part time Dust Cart operative, "Ray the Dust", has surprised his family and friends by revealing that he is in training to be Great Britain's sole entrant in next years World Sumo Games.

The somnambulist pub singer has been progressively gaining weight for a number of years, due to his excessive eating habits and total lack of exercise. 

These factors have been exaggerated by his consumption of gallons of alcohol, including all kinds of ales, beers and spirits.

RAY THE DUST

 
The recent bout of progressive gout, brought on by the Dusts rich and unhealthy diet, did nothing to slow down his progressive fall in to obesity, although it did once again give the work shy "Dust", another opportunity to abstain from work.

It should be noted that recent lapses by "Ray the Dust" in to incoherent gobbledygook, followed by placing a handkerchief on his head , are a by product of the gout reacting with his under the counter erectile deficiency medication.
 

  

The Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) have recently obtained reports from a trusted ex council employee, who was dismissed for working to hard, that confirm that during a short period over a summer, he shadowed the ageing failed crooner, whilst he drove his dust cart throughout the streets of Harrow.

 His observations are as to be expected, and confirm that the overweight failed Karaoke singer has been in secret training for the Sumo fest for the last 12 months, consuming three times his body weight on a daily basis.

 
His high fat diet has included a daily routine of three full English breakfasts and 12 rounds of toast prior to starting his part time shift as a refuse executive and 15 big macs with fries at tea break. This excessive breakfast and mid morning snack, is then followed by  a selection of evening roast beef and lamb meals, and numerous ice ream and fudge deserts.

Each of these meals is also followed by the staple Dust diet of Beer , Cider and spirits. Finally, before he retires to his reinforced bed, a snack of beef dripping sandwiches and full fat milk, is consumed.

The DFCS has also obtained further evidence that the recent collapse of the Dusts Karaoke and Pub singing activities have effected the mind set of the apprentice Sumo wrestler, and this has manifested its self in a recent outbreak of "Pub rage" when the Dust assaulted his fellow garbage operative, Pepe Le Puke . 

The ageing but bulky Dust threw his full body weight at his diminutive colleague, resulting in the unlucky Pepe Le Puke having to use all his agility and guile to avoid a full blow from the outraged Dust.

The Dust was soon calmed down by Big "Red" Malcolm who rapidly took control of the situation by boring the Dust with conversation about how Liverpool could still win the Premier League title together with the FA cup. It is worthy to note at this point that Big "Red" Mal is also believed to be in training for the Sumo Fest, but these reports are unconfirmed to date. 

The DFCS is to interview the Dust at the earliest opportunity to gain confirmation of these events, and it it is confirmed that the Dust is to represent Great Britain at next years event, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif and Bazza the Gravedigger have proposed that a levy be place on the monthly membership subscriptions so that additional food can be purchase to enable the Dust  to continue to bulk up to the required critical mass for the event.

Further details will be published here in due course.  





 

NEANDERTHAL MAN STALKS THE DUCK

NEANDERTHAL MAN STALKS THE DUCK

Reports of the demise of Neanderthal Man are widely exaggerated.

The species is alive and well and spread throughout European and British society. A recent incident at the Duck In the Pond has yet again brought the unsavoury truth about these muscular dim witted proto Homo Sapiens.

The Duck Flat Cap Society were holding their regular monthly  meeting when Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff noted a strange looking character sitting in  a seat adjacent to the meeting table. The muscular figure of a somewhat squat figure was bent over the small table in front of him, sipping the contents of his pint of stout without the use of his large hairy hands.

The contents of the glass were drained in a matter of seconds, and soon he was again shuffling across the floor towards the bar. At the bar the strange figure gestured towards the bar staff and placed the flat of his hand on the bar opposite the beer engines. His face was pointed towards the floor and his head was covered by a large balaclava type hat and mask. After grunting at the bar staff a new pint of stout was soon placed in front of the troubled humanoid, and grasping the glass with both hands, he shuffled back to his seat.

The seat was positioned at the far end of the room, adjacent to an open fire that flickered against the hunched creatures dark face. Driver Chard had by now brought the unfortunate figure to the attention of the fellow Duck Flat Cap Society, and it was soon being whispered that the "Pikies" were back in town.
"Dave the Duck" was certain that a new contingent of sub normal foreign immigrants had been installed at the hostel next door to the pub, whilst others, including ex military hard man and sexologist "Basher Hurley" and grave digger "Barry Duck", were just feeling uncomfortable.

"Dave the Teach" was feeling particularly uneasy as he remembered a similar incident when he was teaching in Ulan Bator, in Outer Mongolia. The exchange visit to Mongolia was meant to be an experience to out do all other exchange trips, but ended up being a period that the professor had tried to forget for many years. It is commonly believed that Neanderthals were restricted to Europe and the middle east, but recent research in to mitochondrial DNA has revealed that the Neanderthals roamed at least 1,500 miles further east than their accepted range.

Indeed, fossil evidence has been uncovered as var east as southern Siberia and the Altai area, which is adjacent to north west Mongolia.   It was one of these supposedly extinct creatures that "Dave the Teach" believes he discovered in his bed after a heavy night on the local drink "Kumis" that is made from distilled mares milk. His last recollection of the evening was returning to the room with a local mongoloid maiden, and then waking in the early hours to find that he was in bed with a hairy, stoop shouldered, muscle bound hag. After discussing the event with local peasant's he was soon advised that he had had an encounter with a Neanderthal cross breed that is the result of an ethnic Mongolian mating with a surviving Neanderthal.   

This sad event has left the professor with a severe aversion to small hairy people, and back in the duck on the unfortunate night detailed above, the sight of the hunchbacked imbiber next to his seat was to  much for him and soon he was plotting with Basher Hurley to eject the throwback from the pub.
At that precise moment a further Neanderthal like creature staggered in to the Duck and shuffled across to the dark figure seated in front of the flickering open fire.

DAVE THE TEACH

The Duck Flat Cap Society members were astonished at this occurrence and were soon on their feet anticipating trouble. Indeed, seconds later a third creature slowly trudged in to the bar. This was to much for Dave the Teach, who immediately slung his body at the new interloper so as to throw him to the ground. Basher Hurley followed suite and was soon grappling with the two remaining hobbits.

It was at this moment that an epiphany struck the DFCS members. Standing bolt upright against the bar, Driver Chard, spittle dribbling from his purple lips, shouted " its Ray the Dust !" as the ex karaoke singer and eternally injured Dust cart operative rolled on to his back revealing his huge stomach, filthy face and dyed hair. It soon became apparent that his fellow Neanderthal struggling to regain movement to his body was no other than "Pepe Le Puke" Ray the Dusts refuse collecting colleague. Finally the third entity revealed his face, and to the surprise of the writer, it was Richard "Doctor" Theodosius Doyle.

RAY THE DUST

The three ageing men all have injuries to their feet, legs or knees, are all short and overweight, and have muscular stumpy arms and hands. The illusion of a Neanderthal entering the premises all to easy to understand once a true description of this drunken muscular trio of less than usual height, is revealed.    

Apparently the pair of dust cart drivers were attending their Christmas party in wembley park when they ran in to Dr Doyle in the Green Man public house. Soon the drinking got out of hand and the three stooges exited the pub looking for food and entertainment of a sexual nature. However, before getting any further than the pub garden, they had fallen in to an argument and a flaying fists soon followed.

All three fell flat on their faces, and staggered across the muddy lawn adjacent to the car park, and were soon falling about in the refuse area, which was strewn with old food and rotting vegetables. The drunken roustabouts then staggered towards the roadway and after hailing a black cab had returned to the only pub that the dust could remember.     

PEPE LE PUKE

The DFCS soon regained their composure and escorted the rambling trio from the pub, leaving them to dry out under the garden umbrellas.

Further details of their eventful night will be released as soon as the police release them from custody.

THE BEARD OF QUETZALCOATL

THE BEARD OF QUETZALCOATL

Recent research by the "Duck Flat Cap Society" Anthropological sub section has uncovered new evidence to support European habitation of south America hundreds of years earlier than currently believed. 

Indeed the Incan people of Peru and the surrounding hinterland believed that the conquistadors who invaded shortly after Columbus's, supposed discovery of the America's, were incantations of "Viracocha", a local God who like the invaders were lighter skinned and more hirsute than the indigenous natives.

Further more, the Aztecs who were the first peoples to be subjugated by the invading Spaniards, were convinced that the bearded light  skinned invaders were sent by their God Quetzalcoatl due to their beards and skin colour.

The documents, that have been discovered at the Madrid based "Castillian Institute of Spanish subjugation and Conquest" by the Duck Flat Cap Societies archivist, Dave The Teach, indicate that the south American land mass was originally colonised by white bearded Welshmen from St Davids in south west Wales.

These Welshmen were accompanied by a number of Irish Monks who had obtained sanctuary in the south of Wales after being alienated by the Norman Invaders who were destroying their Irish homeland during their ruthless conquest of Ireland. 

The documents were handed to Dave the Teach by a respected Professor "Hans Liederhousen" with whom "Dave The Teach" had shared a research facility with when teaching at the "Swiss school of Inebriation and Crossword compilation" in Berne.

 
They had taught at the school for eighteen months until an unsavoury incident involving a telescope, a sixth form fashion student and a fondue set, led to their joint dismissal.

Dave the Teach obtained the documents when visiting the professor at a safe house in the south of France, and verification of the authenticity of the papers was conducted by "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff", who accompanied the Teach on his trip to the flesh pots of southern France.  The duo were further accompanied by  former hard man and sexologist, Basher Hurley, who was in charge of  security and bordello investigation.

After intensive study of the previously hidden parchments, it was clear to the Teach and Driver Chard that they were not forgeries and that the obvious conclusion was that Welsh And Irish peasants, together with a number of Monks, crossed the Atlantic in primitive coracle designed ships, reaching eventual landfall on the south American coast.

Using the knowledge that the Monks had obtained and  preserved in ancient parchments, together with hand written gold inscribed books of Religion, they managed to grow sufficient crops to survive and create a viable society that eventually disappeared as inter marriage with natives dissolved their hair colouration and skin tone.

Indeed, it is believed that a quarrel resulted in a few of the adventurers leaving the main group, and travelling to North America, where after intermarrying with local native Indians, established a colony of Welsh speaking creoles, who linguists believe to still exist, to this day.

Returning to South America, it is now clear to the Duck Flat Cap Society that the natives who witnessed the arrival of the light skinned, and bearded Welshmen, believed them to be Gods who had emerged from the great eastern sea.

When the Conquistadors attacked the native peoples of the continent hundreds of years later, they believed that the bearded Gods had returned to relieve them from the continued struggle against draught, pestilence and famine, brought on by El Nino.

Indeed , Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has been so effected by these discoveries that he now insists that fellow members of the Duck Flat Cap Society must now address him by the title of "Quetzalcoatl, when a session of any committee is in session.

It has been pointed out to him that he is neither Welsh, Irish or a God, but will not desist from his wish to be known by his new title. Members have agreed, but will not refer to him as "El Presedente" as also suggested. This resulted in the temporary seizure of Driver Chard, with the associated foaming at the mouth, but he soon recovered and accepted this minor covenant.   

Further research is to be conducted by the DFCS and a further report will be issued in due course.

VIKINGS SET TO RESUME RAIDING THE BRITISH ISLES

VIKINGS SET TO RESUME RAIDING THE BRITISH ISLES

Viking raiders from across the North Sea are set to resume their blood curdling attacks of the British Isles, if reports reaching the Duck Flat Cap Society are to be believed..

This anticipated surge in Nordic violence and savagery, will allegedly be the direct result of increased pressure on the peoples of Scandinavia and northern Europe due to the continuing collapse of the European economy.

The evidence for this resurgence of Nordic violence is held by the acting president and Chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard Of El Hadj Duif, who recently received a set of documents from and old part Norwegian army colleague, Thor "The Hammer" Wodenson, with whom he served in the armed forces whilst completing his national service in Egypt. 

The documentation was received together with a roughly hewn rock, that had ancient Runic script engraved upon it. Driver Chard was entranced by the encrypted rock and had taken the object to an antiquarian acquaintance who had deciphered the Runic description with amazing results.

After pouring each other large glasses of whisky and soda water, the two old septuagenarian crossword enthusiasts sat down next to the fire and started to write down the translated text.

As the lexicographer scibbled his way across the sheet of A4 croxley paper, Driver Chard suddenly sat bolt upright in his chair as if struck down by a seizure.

He stared at the script with glazed eyes as he mouthed the extraordinary communication.

"We, the bear like warriors of the north, will rise from our slumbers and follow the god's of thunder and war across the grey sea, so as to reclaim the lands that our fellow brethren conquered when the northern sea's were the home of the Norseman. We will rise when the continent of Europe is at unrest after the onset of two pointless continental struggles and the resulting peace is riven asunder by the greed of the Frankish and Germanic race's".

The documentation accompanying the Runic rock consisted of a sheet of parchment inscribed with a Latin script which spoke of a unholy alliance of Valhalla, Loki and Lucifer that would awaken the Viking nations from hundreds of years of slumber and  woolly sweaters, and unite the Scandinavian nation in a blood fest of re conquest.

It went on to allege that across the slumbering nations of Scandinavia secret covens of Loki and satanic enthusiasts had secretly been meeting and plotting the return of the horned  and winged helmeted hoards to ransack the peaceful churches, monasteries, Abbeys, Villages and towns of England and Northern France.  

Indeed a casual look at the newspapers and news casts of the recent Scandinavian past will reveal that a massacre of Norwegian children has recently taken place, conducted by a young mad man who has demonic thoughts and rabid nationalist views.

The documentation goes on to allege that this mad maverick is not alone, and is indeed a loose canon who had recently been expelled from the resurgent Viking brotherhood that awaits the re conquest of the British Isles.

After reviewing the evidence, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has decided to conduct his own investigation in to the alleged Viking insurgency, and will soon be embarking on a trip to Oslo with fellow Duck Flat Cap Society members, Dave the Teach and Ex Military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, who will help the ageing septuagenarian research the Viking underworld that is believed to inhabit the Scandinavian hinterland.

Upon their return, a full meeting of the Duck Flat Cap Society Anthropological and Norseman sub section will take place and will take a vote on whether evasive action is to be taken in view of the suspected heathen invasion. At this stage Dave the Duck will also attempt to explain the sudden demise of Chelsea FC.

Further reports will be published in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

ANSCHLUSS - THE EURO'S FINAL SOLUTION !

ANSCHLUSS - THE EURO'S FINAL SOLUTION !

Recent events in Europe concerning the "Euro", the common currency adopted by seventeen members of the  European Union (EU), have rekindled interest in a allegedly historic aim of Germany, political union with the separate states and then the subjugation of the rest of Europe.   

The EU is currently a Economic / trade and customs union of twenty seven separate sovereign nations, that have evolved from the earlier European Coal and Steel Community and the European Economic Community (EEC).

The original members of the organisation were the war ravaged states of Western Germany and France, together with the three smaller Benelux states, Belgium, Luxembourg and Holland (The Netherlands).

Recent documents uncovered in Potsdam by the "Duck In the Pond" History and Politics Archive section indicate that the German nation has been hell bent of subjugating France, The Austrian "Habsburg" Empire, and the remainder of continental Europe ever since the creation of the original German Customs Union "the Zollverein" in 1834.

The Franco Prussian war was a pre cursor of Germany's resolve to prosper from the administration of the  wider European hinterland, and the aggression shown towards Metternich and the Austrian Empire's refusal to join in the creation of a united Germany, also hinted at this Pan European master plan.

The documents allegedly uncovered at Potsdam indicate that the German authorities overall aim was to merge the states of Europe in to a mega greater Germany, whist excluding the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland due its Empire creating a greater industrial and naval strength than Prussia and the other German states could muster. The German eye was  heavily placed upon the western agricultural lands of France and the never ending plains and grasslands stretching to the east, through Poland and Imperial Russia.

Indeed,the rebirth of an expanded  "Carolingian Empire", the empire of the mighty "Charlemagne", the first German Reich, which had been re constituted as the weak "Holy Roman Empire" for centuries until dissolved in 1806,was the ultimate goal of the German political and Royal elite.

Indeed, the papers allegedly indicate that although the German plan to expand at the expense of the rest of Europe were still in place at the break out of the First World War,the United Kingdoms entrance in to the conflict abruptly ended the current expansionist plans of the Kaiser.

Again, in the build up to the second world war, Hitler was anxious not to involve the United Kingdom, and hoped that France would not stand in the way of "Lebensraum", German expansion in to the East . The fellow Germans in the truncated state of Austria, which was all that was left over from the multi national Austro Hungarian Habsburg Empire, were expected to follow the lead of Germany.
Indeed the actual "Anschluss" with Austria, though forced upon Austria in 1938, took place as originally envisaged by Bismark and the Kaiser when Germany finally became  a unified state back in 1871 with the creation of the second Reich.

Events after that calamitous union and the subsequent absorption of Sudaten Checkoslavakia are well documented, but not so widely reported are the continued wishes of the German state to to control the populace of Europe.

Thus, we now reach the current state of affairs, where the richest and strongest nation in Europe is the once again a powerful re-united Germany ,who wishes to bully and cheat the rest of Europe out of their collective historical, political and monetary heritage, so as to sustain the continued plan of German Hegemony in Continental Europe.

The current negotiations between the weak premier of France and the other head burying heads of state, will result in a political and monitory union that covers the majority of Continental Europe, and thus achieving what Bismark, the Kaiser and Hitler failed in achieving over the last 150 years.

The Duck In the Pond History and Politics sub committee will continue to study the recently uncovered documents, and will hold  a vote on whether to adopt the Euro as the societies official currency in the new year.

THE DAY THE DUCK STOOD STILL

THE DAY THE DUCK STOOD STILL

"Stranger than fiction" is  a common saying and is often stated when a strange event occurs.


Recent events at the North West London headquarters of the " Duck Flat Cap Society", the " Duck In the Pond" public house, certainly qualify for this description.
Although not reported in the national press, or the myriad satellite and terrestrial TV news channels, the duck in the pond was at the center of an amazing  occurrence that mirrored the famous american film, "The Day the Earth stood Still".

The evening at the Duck started as usual, when the Golfing Sub Committee of the " Duck Flat Cap Society" gathered for their monthly meeting. Each member was seated at his usual seat, with a pint of his chosen beverage sitting comfortably on a crisp and new beer mat.

The pint of Lager, Bitter or Guinness , placed on a clean and new beer mat, was of great importance to the acting President and Honorary Chairman, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, who believed that without this addition to the table furniture, the Pint of beer would suffer in both taste and content.

This strange behaviour of Chard stemmed from his stint in the Egyptian desert during his national service, and reflected the fact that when imbibing a cold pint of India Pale Ale in the heat of the desert, if a clean base for the beverage was not available , sand would immediately find its way in to the brew, leading to sand collecting in the mouth of the unfortunate swiller.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff fell foul of this foul attack to his taste buds when visiting the tent of a local potentate, with his Staff Sergeant, who was arranging a bribe so that Driver Chard and the Staff Sergeant could borrow the Potentates harem for an evening of Baccarat and backgammon. 

However, returning to the mysterious events at the Duck, as the committee sat debating the recent performance of  the diminutive new golfing member, Les "little legs" Parkes, at the Bushy and Watford open. As the debate became heated due to allegations of attempted manslaughter and culpable homicide, the members became aware of a humming noise emanating from the sky above the pub.

As the unnerving sound became louder, the committee together with the other inhabitants of the premises hurried outside to scan the evening sky.

As they craned there heads towards the heavens, it was noticed by Ex Military hard man "Basher" Hurley, that his chunky chronometer had stopped working. At the same time Driver Chard was tugging at he arm of Barry "Bazzer Duck" pointing towards the road and the stationery traffic. The engines of each of the passing vehicles had stalled, and the drivers and passengers were milling around the static cars and vans in a strange trance like state.

Driver Chard,now dribbling from the corner of his mouth, his chapped lips revelling in the swift salty swipe of his leathery tongue, stumbled towards the pub entrance with his tongue still lolling from his open mouth.
The remainder of the committee followed Driver Chard in to the building and at once were stunned and amazed, to note that the electric lighting was flashing in a rythmic constant pulse and the buzzing gaming machines spun there reels in gay abandon. 

Then, suddenly the spinning reels stopped, the electronic air conditioning ceased, and the beer pumps failed. The clocks on the wall were all stationery and Driver Chard's pace maker was stalled in mid beat.  The kitchen door  flung open as the sweating cook came stumbling from the overheated kitchen, complaining that all the electric machinery in the kitchen had ceased to work. His greasy hand held his head phones above his head, as he struggled with his failed music player to receive his selected musical choice.

RAY THE DUST AND DRIVER CHARD

Each committee member glanced at their wrist watches and noticed that they had failed. Dave "the Teach" pulled his pocket fob watch from his breast pocket, and confirmed that the antique time piece was also not functioning. In a simular manner, all present pulled their mobile phones from their assorted pockets, only to note that the screens were blank and lifeless.

The noise from the still unseen craft above grew louder, and was soon screeching at 150 decibels. The remaining non members of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" were now fleeing from the premises with their hands clutching their ringing rears, as they tried to prevent the perforation of their aching ear drums.

DRIVER CHARD'S PACEMAKER

The Duck Flat Cap Society committee returned to their table and decided to sit out what ever event they were witnessing, with Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, stripping to the waist, to reveal greying army issue singlet and briefs. He than wound his belt around his clenched fist whilst shouting "come on you  fuzzy wussies, reveal your cowardly selves", and shouting "they don't like it up them". Basher Hurley grabbed at the old boy just in time to catch his fall ,as he collapsed in a frenzy of fist shaking, burping and beer swilling. 

Seconds later, it was all over, and all around them the society members noticed electronic machinery and gadgets springing to life. Indeed Driver Chard's Pace Maker whirled in to action , bringing the septuagenarian acting Charman to his senses .

The committee looked at each other and studying their pint pots decided the best way forward was to replenish their beverages and discuss the recent events over their  pints. At first all were silent, but soon the considered opinion was that no one had seen a space craft and the bewildering recent events were probably due to a power surge at the local electric sub station.

This was soon accepted by all, and although shaken but not stirred, all returned home that evening dismissing the evenings events as just one of those things !!!


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

WAS RASPUTIN AN ALIEN ?

WAS RASPUTIN AN ALIEN ?

Resent research by Russian academics studying previously restricted state archives at the Kremlin, have allegedly discovered that the body of the murdered monk was never recovered from the icy river that he fell in to during his supposed assassination in December 1916.

Although a corpse was later found on the banks of the river Neva, the documents reveal that a full identification of Rasputin was not attained due to the decomposed nature of the body, and lack of modern techniques of identifying a corpse. The records go on to indicate that the body was probably that of a Ukrainian peasant that had been shot by the police the previous day. This identification being most probable due to the tattoo on his lower leg that revealed his prisoner number from his recent incarceration at the Lubyanka in Moscow.

Earlier that evening when Rasputin had been the guest of his assassins, Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich, Prince Yusupov and Vladimir Purishkevich, each of the aristocratic fay homosexuals had noted that imbibing huge quantities of alcohol had no effect on the charismatic priest, and all attempts to render him unfit through drink  and drugs had failed.

 It is a matter of record, that they each stated to the police after their arrest for the supposed murder, that he was not human and must have come from another world.

This was after they had pumped his body with bullets from an American revolver until his body slumped to the floor, but although bleeding profusely he refused to die and continued to make fast his escape, until being pushed in to the icy adjacent river that flowed passed the imperial  palace in Petrograd.

The uncovered records go on to indicate that the Czar was convinced that the mad  monk was an alien and not of this earth. This was belief had been formed due to his uncanny and unnerving hold over his wife, the Czarina, and the way he was able to manipulate all those about him, including his military advisers and government.  Indeed Czar Nicholas II had spent many hours with his secret police trying to identify the monks origins, but was always unable to uncover any corroborated evidence of his existence prior to arriving at the imperial court.  



The newly released documentation allegedly goes on to indicate that the research in to the mad monks past had included the investigation of a mysterious object in the Siberian sky's a year prior to Rasputin's appearance on the Royal scene.

The Tunguska incident had taken place in 1908 when a supposed comet had struck the Siberian heartland causing an explosion heard for many hundreds of miles. The forest surrounding the impact site was completely laid bare, with the trees stretched out across the landscape as if smitten by a heavenly Goliath.

The assumption has always been that a comet smashed in to the earth and until now this has not been challenged, but the uncovered documents allegedly support a completely different assessment of the incident. They allege that the impact crater and devastation was caused by an alien space ship landing , and that this craft released  its cargo of humanoid life forms so as to intersperse with the Russian community. The records go on to suggest that Rasputin was only one of these aliens unleashed upon the Russian hinterland, and that the great events that followed this event were in some way orchestrated by these alien interlopers.


These events have been brought to the attention of the Duck Flat Cap Society, and the History and Russian studies sub Committee recently debated the findings at the Duck. At the tempestuous meeting the acting President and chairman, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff , took objection to the suggestion that we were being infiltrated by aliens as he knew that aliens did not exist due to an article in the Daily Mail that he had read in 1959. This outburst by the ruddy face pensioner caused Professor  Dave the Teach to jump from his seat exclaiming that the old man was a buffoon and  that the uncovered documents were further proof of his own earlier abduction by Aliens, as detailed in an earlier bulletin.

The remainder of the  sub committee decided to adjourn the meeting so that Driver Chard could receive medical attention as he was by now apocalyptic with  rage and threatening to remove his flat cap. Professor Dave the Teach was also in need of medical assistance and ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, was soon administering first aide by way of mouth to mouth resuscitation. However, it was later established that the Professor had collapsed due to his alcohol intake but was otherwise medically fit.

A further meeting will take place after Driver Chard has recovered, Dave the Teach has sobered up, and the committee have had time to read the full documentation that is to be published in a national newspaper soon.

Further details will be published in due course.

THE POPPADOM PROPHECIES

THE POPPADOM PROPHECIES

Archaeologists working on behalf of the Mumbai & Harrogate School of Mysticism and Calligraphy have discovered a set of documents that have been hidden from society for thousands of years.


The archaeologists, who have been working for several months at an undisclosed location in the Deccan region of India  broke their silence on Monday, when Professor Cornelius Wildebeest e-mailed details of the documentation to his his fellow antiquarian, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, the acting chairman and life president of the Duck Flat Cap Society, who have for many years been located in north west London, England.


Driver Chard immediately contacted his fellow " Duck Flat Cap Society" members, who convened an emergency session of the Archaeological sub committee.  At the meeting Driver Chard explained to the enthralled audience that a leather bound bundle of ancient Sanskrit scripts had been discovered buried beneath an antiquated granite statue of an Elephant mounting a water Buffalo.Carefully placed below the leather bundle containing the Sanskrit documents was a mummified Poppadom, completely covered in a version of ancient Sanskrit, known to be that used by the priestly cast  that existed only  at the time of Jesus Christ.

The poppadom has allegedly been studied by the worlds current experts in the ancient Sanskrit language, and were amazed to discover that the translation warns of an apocalyptic event that was to take place when the ice caps began to melt and  the deserts of the world were scorched by the dried blood of the starving and dehydrated residents of the lands located to the west of "Bharrat", across the unforgiving salt sea of the never ending monsoons.

It continues to describe the end of the world, by the greed and avarice of man, and that the final countdown to the final destruction will begin when the modern empires of the west, north and south, succumb to the might of the great eastern overlords. 

"Driver Chard" dismissed the prophecy with a swish of his dry and spotted hand, whilst mumbling that the world can't end soon, because he and his wife were booked on a cruise next spring and he cant afford to waste the money. The remaining members of the Duck Flat Cap Society tended to agree with the cantankerous old bounder and decided to dismiss the poppadom discovery as a discarded unwanted snack, left by an  over weight Indian priest, whilst writing a prehistoric blog on a unwanted poppadom, to pass the time of day.

This said the current world climate appears to mirror the situation as displayed on the mummified poppadom, and we can only wait to see what occurs next year.

A further report will be submitted next year, provide we all survives the Apocalypse.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE SOMNAMBULISTS CONVICTION

THE SOMNAMBULISTS CONVICTION

Ex backroom karaoke crooner and part time Lothario, "Ray the Dust", has recently been diagnosed with a sever dose of "Kriegsfeld Symbiotic Somnambulism" , which renders the aging ex part time  dust cart operative unconscious at the slightest mention of work.

The Dust has also taken to self harming himself so that he can refrain from attending any kind of work. Recent articles have detailed the continued "Toe Fetish" that the Dust continues to show severe symptoms of, and this together with his chronic Kriegsfeld Symbiotic Somnambulism  have in the past enabled the  failed Karaoke crooner to miss work for in excess of three months.

However, the Dust continues to deny his aversion of any work, and indeed refuses to believe that he continuously falls asleep due to his chronic illness. In fact he continually shows scant disregard to his affliction, to the extent that he proposes to apply for an audition on the next instalment of the X Factor.   

In this respect he has recently appointed his elder brother "Spike" Hudson to act as his manager and agent during his attempt to appear on the X Factor. This is despite "Spikes" earlier stint as manager that led to to Ray the Dusts immediate eviction from the Duck In the Pond amateur talent contest.The Dust continues to attribute this shambles of an appearance down to the jury being nobbled, but all those who were present at the apocalyptic rendering of Les Greys and Mud's "Tiger Feet" know the sad truth.

That said, the Dust did obtain some relief from the ritualistic shaming that he received that evening from his later, off the cuff rendition of "God Save the Queen" when urinating outside the Duck after his early eviction from the event. This was witnessed by long time colleague and fellow part time refuse driver "Pepe le Puke" and his part time unofficial love interest Micky "good boy "Ince.

Although ritually partially drunk, they both admitted that the bolt upright rendition of the Queens favourite, was top notch, and hit all the right places with his  "a Capella" version of the National Anthem. Indeed, "Good boy" Incy wincy admitted that the soulful tune brought a tear to his eyes and a mild erection in the trouser area.

    However, the less said about this sad gay relationship the better, as both these aging Lothario's are in deep denial of their relationship. Although as can be seen from the photographic evidence, there feelings for each other are quite obvious.

Returning to the Dusts attempt to return to the stage, it has also come to note, that he has secretly been practicing a new double act with a leading member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Dave the Duck.

The long time Chelsea supporter and founding member of the society, has been acting strange of late, and although not fully revealed to the full membership of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiiff revealed the close kept secret by mistake when offering his heart felt condolences to Dave the Duck , after witnessing a practice by Chelsea Dave and his close buddy, the Ex Military Hard Man and Sexologist "Basher" Hurley, who has designs on making the duo a trio.       

In this effect, Basher Hurley has for some time been perfecting a rhythmic rendition of the dialogue normally associated with a person with chronic Tourettes syndrome, and can often be heard shouting obscenities across the wide open spaces of the Duck. Not to be out done, Chelsea Dave the Duck has also taken to this ritualistic swearing and has indeed been warned by the management to cease this obscene behaviour.  

The fact remains that the Dust is convinced that his chronic somnamlistic behaviour is non existent and that he has the ability to render an audience in to raptures of ecstasy through his rendition of Mack the Knife or other similar songs of his youth.

A full meeting of the Duck Flat Cap Society will convene on the Dusts return from his latest excursion abroad, and the committee will discuss the Dusts membership, with a view to termination.

 

Further details in due course.

DFCS IN "FLAT EARTH" SCANDAL

DFCS IN "FLAT EARTH" SCANDAL

At a resent meeting of the Geographical Research and Phlebotomy sub committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard once again caused an uproar with his declaration that the Earth is not round but flat !

He based his outrageous outburst on an article that he observed in a back issue of "The Flat Earth Times", that he had stumbled across in the British Legion library. The article, which had been removed from the publication by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff , was  a report submitted by an investigative team from the " Potsdam and Lubeck Institute of Flat Earth Studies and Curling".

The article referred to previously unknown documents that had recently been uncovered by archivists at the "Moscow & Stalingrad School of KGB Studies". The document was believed to be a photo copy of a secret report issued by NASA during the preparation for the Apollo moonshot in 1968.

This report noted that the astronauts of the successive Apollo missions had constantly contradicted known science by swearing that the view of the earth from their space capsule indicated that the Earth was not an ecliptic sphere, but in fact as flat as a proverbial pancake.



It also stated that photographs and film footage supposedly showing the Earth as a sphere were the result of advanced photographic  technology that had been obtained at the time of the Alien incident at  Roswell, and that the moon landings did take place , but not on a spherical Moon , but on a flat moon similar to the earth.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, who was only just recovering from his previous incident concerning the one handed driving of Spencer Tracy, suddenly became very emotional and started to shake.

He was immediately comforted by Dave the Duck, who expressed his belief that the Chard was correct in his assessment of the Earths lack of curvature, and agreed that the Earth must be flat, because when he plays golf the greens are always flat and that it the Earth was round the ball would fall away from the cup.

At this the remaining members of the sub Committee huddled together and quickly arranged for an ambulance to take the troubled duo to the local hospital for extensive medical investigation. However, after a few hours in a padded cell they were heavily medicated and returned to the Duck.

At that moment the northern agitator and geographical professor, Dave The Teach, grabbed the gavel and declared the meeting well and truly over, and declaring that the Earth is indeed spherical and not flat, and that the findings of the " Potsdam and Lubeck Institute of Flat Earth Studies and Curling" were not new and had been debated at length in 1971 at the Walney Teachers convention.The convention had dismissed the report out of hand and had delivered the offending article to the KGB at the next meeting of the National Union of Teachers.



Matters then deteriorated quickly, with ex hard man and Sexologist Basher Hurley siding with his northern compatriot, and the remaining members, including a dazzled and befuddled Bazzer Duck siding with his golfing mentor Driver Chard.


The meeting then came to a close as Driver Chard and Dave the Duck were once again escorted from the premises, and placed in to the rear of a large yellow van with Broodmore stenciled on its side.

More on this unsettling incident in due course.