BLANK
He sat upright in the garden chair, juggling the hot cup of tea in his skeletal blotchy hands.
Staring blankly at the opposite brick wall, he struggled in vain to understand where, and indeed who he was. Although recognising that the structure was a wall, he was confused as to what its substance was, and why it was there!
He had little recollection of his early life in the slums of Kings Cross, or of his youth spent in the leafy new suburbs created by the green belt act. The occasional memory of the early War years would slip in to his mind when sparked by a familiar phrase or reference, but would not lead to a coherent recollection or meaningful observance of his past.
Arduous visits to London's war torn dockland and the relatives who lived amongst the destruction, were remembered with more clarity, but always fizzled out without conviction of purpose. Fleeting memories of tube journeys interrupted by the blitz, or bus trips with gas bags and prams, were jumbled with events that occurred a few hours ago, or decades ago.
After almost ninety years of life, his current life existed in short snatches of reality lasting no more than the time it takes to ask your name or where you live !
Silence.....
A slow methodical count of the number of bricks in the wall facing him is started again and again, there being no logic to it other than that what his muddled brain tells him needs to be done. A pause to think over the number and a glance at his watch. A blank stare and silence.
A cup of hot tea is accepted and consumed as if his throat is oblivious to the still boiling hot liquid, and the cup discarded by impulse, as if an unnecessary burden. A further glance at his watch and the brick wall in front of him. Blank.
A mention of cycling trips to distant camping sites and resorts is acknowledged with a wistful smile , but further insight is not forthcoming. The conversation ceases as abruptly as it started. "Where do you live?".
Silence....
Blank.
The familiar and constantly repeated question "where do you live" is retorted time and time again. Often with a smile and a hint of subdued laughter. Answers are forthrightly given but immediately forgotten.
Blank.
Silence........
A change of scene as a temporary stay in a care home gives respite to family. "I know this place !"
Despair, worry, sleep. "Do I know you ?"...........
Blank.
And, as had to be, the new becomes the permanent.
Care home is now home.
"I know this place !
"Where's *** ?" - repeat, repeat, repeat. Sleep.
A sip of tea. Stare at the wall. Stare at the TV. Stare out of the window.
"Where do you live ?", a pause. Nothing.
Silence.
No tears, just fears. Hidden and suppressed in a black hole of the mind.
Blank.
Covid and pneumonia, hospital, infection and Delirium.
Drip.
Sleep. Blank. Sleep.
Ward change.
BLANK.
Liquidised food and thickened tea.
Ward change.
"Banana" !
Blank.
Ward change.
Delirium.
Blank.........
Infection, Anemia, blood transfusion.
Ward change.
Covid again with various infections.
Delirium.
A blank slate.
No covid and removal to a nursing home to die.
Low pulse, rapid breathing, oxygen...........
And finally the end.
Death.
