POSTCARDS FROM THE FRONT - THE PEN OF LORD LOAFINGTON SMYTHE AND HORSINGTON SMYTHE

POSTCARDS FROM THE FRONT - THE PEN OF LORD LOAFINGTON SMYTHE AND HORSINGTON SMYTHE

 DEAR WIGGINS

THE LORD GOD MUST BE SAVING ME FOR A HIGHER PURPOSE GOOD FRIEND, FOR THE  VERY NIGHT BEFORE I WAS TO BOARD THE LUSITANIA THE LADY WIFE HAD AN  AWFUL ATTACK OF THE VAPOURS AND WE HAD TO CANCEL.

AS YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD BY NOW THAT POOR VESSEL IS NO MORE AND YOURS TRULY LIVES TO TELL THE TALE.

IT IS GOOD TO KNOW YOU HAVE SURVIVED THE INITIAL LANDINGS, MINTY AND BUNTY BOTH SEND THEIR REGARDS AND MISS YOU BUNDLES, THEY ARE ALREADY PLANNING CAKES AND LEMONADE FOR YOUR HOMECOMING DEAR BOY.

I TOLD THEM YOU WOULD PROBABLY PREFER A GALLON OF ALE AND A ROSY PROSTITUTE BUT YOU KNOW MINTY.

GOD SPEED DEAR BOY, YOU ARE IN OUR THOUGHTS AND IN OUR HEARTS, HOPE THE CHOCOLATE REACHES YOU ALRIGHT.

 UNCLE RAIF.

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DEAR LORD HORSINGTON OF THE FESTERING HOOF

SOME REVIEWS JUST IN OF THE FIRST SEGMENT OF YOUR FORTHCOMING HISTORICAL NOVELLA.

  " TYPICAL IN THE WAY IT PORTRAYED US DAMN COOLIES"

   The Cleaner.

  "I COULDNT PUT IT DOWN"

   Julius Caesar

 " THE MAN WRITES AND WALKS A FINE LINE BETWEEN MADNESS  

  AND GENIUS,     

  QUITE SIMPLY SUPERB"

  King George III.

 "HE SHOULD BE PUT DOWN LIKE A COMMON PYGMY"

 Dr Henry Livingstone

 "PHONE MY LAWYER"

 Winnie Brown

JUST A FEW OF THE POSITIVE REVIEWS OF YOUR OPENING SYNOPSIS MY LORD, I WILL OF COURSE SUBMIT IT TO THE PUBLISHING PANEL WHO I AM SURE WILL BACK IT FOR PUBLICATION.

YOU CAN REST ASSURED THAT THE FULL RESOURCES OF OUR ADVERTISING DEPT WILL ENSURE THAT THIS IMPORTANT WORK REACHES ITS FULL AUDIENCE.

INDEED YOUR GRACE I HOPE ONE DAY TO SEE IT ON THE SCHOOL CURRICULUM.

PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT ME IF YOU REQUIRE ANYTHING.

YOURS SINCERELY

CHARLES "BUFFY" TINGWALL

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DEAR PROFESSOR HORSINGTON.

GOOD NEWS PROF. I HAVE UNEARTHED CONCRETE PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF THE FISH GOD CANNIUS VODKARUS IN THE DILUVIAN SWAMP OF LESSER NEASDEN.

YOUR FAITH IN MY EXPEDITION HAS BEEN VINDICATED, IT WOULD SEEM THAT THE ANCIENT VODKA LOVING PEOPLE OF NEASDEN WORSHIPPED A BARREL BELLIED DEITY AND CALLED HIM A FISH GOD BECAUSE OF HIS VAST CONSUMPTION IN THE ANCIENT FIREWATER OF YORE.

THIS STRANGE CREATURE WAS HALF MAN HALF BELLY AND DWELT IN THE FOGGY SWAMPS OF NW10 EMERGING ONLY TO QUAFF AT THE VODKA HOLES BUBBLING FROM THE EARTHS CORE.

IT SHUNNED ORDINARY SOCIETY AND LIVED A SOLITARY EXISTENCE ONLY EMERGING AT PRIMEVIL CEREMONIES TO OFFER HIMSELF FOR WORSHIP.

WE HAVE FOUND FRAGMENTS OF ITS SHIRT WHICH IT WOULD DISCARD AT THE EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY IN A FRENZIED DANCE AROUND THE SACRIFICIAL FIRE.

IT WOULD APPEAR MY DEAR GUIDE AND MENTOR THAT EVOLUTION HAS INDEED PASSED THIS CREATURE BY.

I WILL OF COURSE BE PRESENTING THE EVIDENCE I HAVE ACCRUED AT THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF HORSEMANSHIP AT A LATER DATE, I WILL KEEP YOU INFORMED OF ANY FURTHER DEVELOPMENTS.

YOUR FRIEND

SEPTIMUS DOGFONDLER

EMERITUS PROFESSOR OF ALCOHOL AND ANTIQUITIES. MA.PHD.

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DEAR EFFEE.

GOOD LUCK AS YOU RIDE INTO THE VALLEY OF THE FIVE THOUSAND, HOPE TO SEE YOU AFTER YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR SOME OF THAT NEW FANGLED "COFFEE" BEVERAGE THAT EVERYBODYS TALKING ABOUT.

ITS LOVELY HERE AS I AWAIT THE BOAT THAT IS TO TAKE ME OVER TO KRAKATOA, INDONESIA IS SO BEAUTIFUL THIS TIME OF YEAR, I CERTAINLY DONT NEED A BALACLAVA WHATEVER THAT IS.

THE NATIVES HERE SEEM RESTLESS THERE IS SOME TALK OF A VOLCANO GOD STIRRING SOMEWHERE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THESE GODLESS HEATHENS ARE LIKE IM SURE NOTHING UNTO WARD WILL HAPPEN TO  GOD FEARING ENGLISHMEN SUCH

AS OURSELVES ALTHOUGH THERE DOES SEEM TO BE AN AWFUL LOT OF RED HOT DUST IN THE AIR AND THE SEA SEEMS TO BE BOILING.

OH WELL NEVER MIND, NOTHING A CUP OF TEA AND A PASSAGE FROM THE BIBLE SHOULDNT CURE.

LOOKING FORWARD TO HEARING OF YOUR TALES OF DERRING DO AFTER YOUR NO DOUBT SUCCESSFUL FORAY INTO THE HEART OF COSSACK COUNTRY.

YOUR  PAL 

CARRUTHERS

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DEAR BOOFERS

EXCELLENT SHOW OLD CHAP, THE MAD MARDHI NEEDS A GOOD COME-UPPANCE AND YOU'RE THE MAN FOR THE JOB.

THE CAMEL RIDE SOUNDS GOOD FUN IF A BIT WEARING ON THE OLD BO BO,A BIT LIKE SCHOOL OLD CHAP WHAT!!.

IM BEING SECONDED TO A UNIT SOMEWHERE NEAR A BLOODY PLACE CALLED ROURKES DRIFT IN BALLY BONGO BONGO LAND.

WITH A LOAD OF TAFFS, I BET YOU A DINNER AT CLARIDGES, COMPLETE WITH A BOTTLE OF 57 LAFITE. IT'LL BE ALL OVER BY THE TIME I GET THERE. JUST MY LUCK.

SEE YOU SOON OLD MAN

YOURS

CAPTAIN "KIP" CARRINGTON. DSO AND BAR.

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TURDOXIAN HIGH TREASON


LORD LOAF OF THE BOHIEMION CREED,

REPORTS HAVE REACHED ME THAT TURDOXIAN RAIDS ARE TAKING PLACE IN THE BORDER REGIONS.

DUE TO YOUR PROXIMITY TO THE AREA, YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS GRAVE MATTER ARE URGENTLY REQUIRED. PLEASE REPORT BY RETURN.

YOURS
UNCLE BOHIEM

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DEAR UNCLE BOHEME

I HAVE RECEIVED A REPORT FROM MY RECON GROUP WHO HAVE INFORMED ME THAT A SMALL TURDOXIAN RAIDING PARTY HAS INDEED BEEN EMULATING THE MODUS OPERANDI OF THE REIVERS OF OLD.

I HAVE SENT OUT BOHEME REINFORCEMENTS TO PATROL AND DEAL WITH THE HORDE, THE VISIBLE PRESENCE OF THESE STOUT FORCES SHOULD PROVIDE THE DETERRENT REQUIRED.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT ANY TURDOXIANS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO FIND THEMSELVES IN OUR CUSTODY WILL BE SEVERELY DEALT WITH. IE. DEATH.

YOURS

LORD LOAF OF THE QUIVERING RING.

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DEAR LOAF OF THE EVER TIGHTENING RING,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT REPORT CONFIRMING THE INCURSIONS ACROSS THE BOARDER BY THOSE INFERNAL TURDOXIAN HEATHENS. 

I TRUST THE PATROLS OF BRAVE BOHEMIEM COHORTS ARE ENJOYING SUCCESS AND BEATING THE TURDOX HOARD BACK ACROSS THE BORDERS.

WITH REGARDS THE TREATMENT OF ANY PRISONERS, I BELIEVE THAT THE BOHEIMIAN CODE OF BATTLE MUST BE UPHELD AT ALL TIMES, AND EVERY EFFORT MADE TO CHANGE THEIR TWISTED IDEOLOGY TO THAT OF THE SACRED CREED.

HOWEVER, FEEL FREE TO PUNISH SEVERELY THOSE WHO WHO ARE NOT READY TO TAKE UP THE ENLIGHTENED BATTLEAXE OF THE GREAT LORD BOHIEM OF THE THIRD MOUND AT CROXLEY GREEN.

YOURS

QUINTINIOUS CRISPUS OF THE PROLAPSED RECTUM

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DEAR QUINTINIOUS CRISPUS OF THE ENGORGED MEMBER.

MANY THANKS FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE , TURDOXIAN SCUM HAVE INDEED BEEN CAPTURED BY OUR BRAVE BOHEME LEGION .

AS PER YOUR REQUEST THE HEATHEN PRISONERS ARE BEING "PERSUADED" TO ADOPT THE BOHEME WAY OF LIFE AND TO FOREGO THE TURDOXIAN RELIGION, HOWEVER THOSE WHO APPEAR TO RESIST TOO STRONGLY HAVE BEEN "DISAPPEARED" SO TO SPEAK.

I REMAIN YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT.

LORD LOAF OF THE MOUNTING PILE.

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DEAR LORD SCROTUM,

REPORTS HAVE ONCE AGAIN REACHED ME THAT THE TURDIXIAN REBELS ARE RAVAGING THE BORDERLANDS AND ATTACKING THE BOHEMIAN PRIESTS WHO I HAVE SENT TO PREACH THE BOHEME CREED.

THESE TURDOX SCUM MUST BE EXTERMINATED AT ALL COST , AND I TRUST YOU WILL RIDE THROUGH THE NIGHT AND PROVIDE ME WITH AN UPDATED REPORT BY DAWN.

YOURS

QUINTENINUS MAXIMUS OF THE GILDED HORSE

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DEAR QUINTENINUS MAXIMUS OF THE SEPTIC TANK.

I HAVE RIDDEN THROUGH THE NIGHT AND CAN FAITHFULLY REPORT THAT OUR GALLANT FORCES HAVE REPELLED THE TURDOX SCUM BUCKETS.

IT WAS A BLOODY FARRAGO AND I LOST TWO MEN BUT HAVE SUBSEQUENTLY FOUND THEM SUNK TO THE NUTS IN A LADY SHEEP.

MY SERGEANT AT ARMS WAS SENT TO DISCIPLINE THEM BUT UNFORTUNATELY GOT AN ERECTION AND JOINED IN.

HAPPILY THE BOHEME PRIESTS ARE NOW FREE TO PREACH THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO THE LORD BOHEME.

IT WAS HUMBLING TO SEE THEM SPREAD THE WORD OF OUR LORD TO THE HEATHEN HORDES.

I REMAIN YOUR OBEDIENT SERVANT.

LORD LOAF OF THE PUNGENT HOSE.

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Dear Lord Snout Quifler,

I now am able to provide you with the name of the Naked Psychiatrist that you requested in your recent missive. His name is "Gunter Handcock" and his address is - "Pull me hard" Cottage, Queer Street, ST Ives, Cornwall. 

I hope your Quim bashing is progressing well and I am of course sorry to hear of your raging Bumhole. I do hope it is not another occurrence of that Gout thingamy Jig that you had in your old member recently.

Keep me up to date with your progress with Gunter Handcock.

Yours with sympathy
Scratchy Henderson - Horn of Quimbash and Director of Pyschoprophylaxis

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Dear Lord Snout Quifler,

Further to my recent missive, the late Lord Piggy Beauregard-Hamilton Spoondangler , Managing Director of Wangdangling for England and Wales, will be cremated at Wandsworth Brewery on Saturday, at 2.15 am. 

If you attend, please ensure you bring a torch and toilet paper. 

Yours correspondingly
Scratchy 

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DEAR SCRATCHY,

MUCH APPRECIATED FOR THE REFERRAL .

I HAVE ARRANGED AN APPOINTMENT WITH HERR HANDCOCK , HIS TELEPHONE MANNER WAS BOTH EFFICIENT AND SEXUALLY AROUSING. I CANNOT WAIT FOR HIM TO PULL ME HARD .

I WILL OF COURSE BE ATTENDING PIGGY'S FUNERAL WITH MY TRUSTY TORCH AND TOILET PAPER. I ONLY HOPE I DON'T LEAK AS I AM PRONE TO DO.

YOURS
ARCHBISHOP PRE-CUM OF BATH AND WELLS.

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BOONSPANGLING

Dear Lord Loafington of the spotted puss knot,

Your input in the above thingamajig is most definitely required. Please start by giving me your complete analysis of the recent spate of Boonspangling in Hartlepool and Gravesend.

Yours
Boothy Boddinngton Smyth of the Heath 

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LORD LOAF OF THE BOON,

DAM YOUR EARLIER RESPONSE TO MY RECENT OUTRAGE AT THE BOONSPANGLING INCIDENT AT GRAVESEND.

YOU MUST INVESTIGATE IMMEDIATELY AND SUPPLY ME WITH YOUR REPORT WITHIN 14 DAYS, OR RISK THE WRATH OF THE BOONDOCKER.

YOURS
EFFEY BEAUREGARD OF THE WHARF

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MY DEAR EFFEY OF THE WOBBLING SPONGE

AFTER MUCH UNDERCOVER RESEARCH I HAVE DISCOVERED THAT THE BOONSPANGLE VIRUS WAS TRANSMITTED TO GRAVESEND VIA AN OFF DUTY HERMAPHRODITE CALLED TOMMY CUNTCOCK WHO HAD INADVERTENTLY BEEN GIVEN A LIFT BY A LONG DISTANCE LORRY DRIVER IN EXCHANGE FOR WHAT IS KNOWN NOWADAYS AS A BLOW JOB.


THE LORRY DRIVER STOPPED AT GRAVESEND ON HIS WAY TO DOVER AND MUST HAVE PASSED ON THE DREADED BOONSPANGLE.

WE HAVE MANAGED TO CONTAIN IT WITHIN THE LOCAL AREA BUT THE HUNT GOES ON TO TRACK DOWN THE AFORE MENTIONED TOMMY CUNTCOCK.

YOURS

LORD LOAF OF THE BOON.

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