THE SACRED SCROLL OF TUTANKHAMEN'S CRUTCH

 THE SACRED SCROLL OF TUTANKHAMEN'S CRUTCH

Recently released reports from the Neasden and Dresden Crematorium and Necropolis, have revealed that a previously unknown sacred scroll has been discovered concealed within the crotch of a mummified corpse. 

Furthermore, unconfirmed and unsubstantiated leaks describe the mummy as being that of Tutankhamen. 

Although there is some doubt as to the accuracy of the reports, it has long been believed that the teenage Pharos body was not the officially displayed corpse, and that the true Mummy had been removed to an unknown secret resting place. 

Indeed, Professor Pepe Le Puke of the Bohemian Institute for the criminally insane, has long scrutinised that the remains are secreted somewhere within the confines of the ancient English county of Middlesex. The exact location was unknown to the diminutive and mentally incoherent professor, but he had always had a hunch that the remains may be hidden near Neasden or the Welsh Harp.

Professor Pepe Le Puke had obtained funding for the dig by selling his collection of antique black and white editions of “Lady boy Frolics”, old Tottenham Hotspurs FC programmes, and donating his body to science for the advancement of scalp therapy and hair replacement theory.

The Dig was assisted by “Barry the Gravedigger” who advanced his services for no more than a daily allowance of three pints of lager and a packet of crisps, with the occasional free go on the Golf machine. He was ably assisted by failed ladies’ man and part time refuge collector “Sick note Ray the Dust”, the diminutive” little legs Parkes”, and ex-military hard man and sexologist “Basher Hurley”.

Excavations in a former coaching inn’s basement, have unearthed a soiled pair of undergarments supposedly discarded by Tutankhamen. The stained underpants were discovered in a sealed brass container, with a hieroglyph inscription describing the contents as having been discarded by the Pharaoh after an unfortunate accident whilst imbibing vast quantities of honeyed Meade at a camp site adjacent to the present location of the former coaching Inn.  

Also enclosed with the soiled garments was an ivory drinking horn made of elephant tusk, and a deer skin flat cap inscribed in hieroglyphs with the name Tutankhamen and a line drawing of his flaccid membership. Hidden within the drinking horn was a hidden scroll, drawn up in hieroglyphics and ancient Greek.   

To be continued.....

THE NAKED FOX WHISTLER

 THE NAKED FOX WHISTLER

Scandal mongering residents of a leafy suburb of Watford have created a local militia, so as to hunt down and destroy an intriguing interloper that they have named "The naked fox whistler". 

Frequently spotted ogling and whistling at female residents, the overweight and aging flasher is always in a state of undress when assailing his unfortunate targets. Believed to be a former failed dustcart operative, his portly naked figure has become a common feature of the roads and streets of Carpenters Park and the surrounding environment.

Although believed to be harmless and non threatening due to a medical condition that renders his manhood motionless, he is still feared by the young and old female populations of the leafy estate.

After a long life of malingering and seedy incidents, The Dust, as the "Naked Fox Whistler" has been additionally christened by the local inhabitants, ended his working career as a part time refuse truck driver on the shortest shift pattern he could obtain from the unscrupulous officials who oversaw his monosyllabic and ghost like appearances at work. 

Recurring injuries to his hammer toed feet and inflexible digits rendered his pay packets to little more than a running commentary on his sick record. Where most people have bonuses and additional work performance related payments , the dusts sole monetary contribution was headed "sick pay".  

As well as being a failed worker, he was also a failed Karaoke singer with a penchant for 1950's pop hits that were delivered with a painfully unmelodic thrash. 

To be continued.....

EDERSON LADYGARTEN GOES TO TOWN

 EDERSON LADYGARTEN GOES TO TOWN

Ederson Ladygarten was a part time gardener from Ringwould, with a penchant for long tangled hair like grass.

He had spent his early life and formative years believing to be the heir apparent to the 11th Duke Pubic of the Gilded Razor, and was shocked to find at the age of thirteen, that he was effectively disinherited due to be being an illegitimate bastard. 

Bypassing this set back Ederson teamed up with his child hood buddy and side kick, Tom "Tommy" Tommyknocker, and experimented with gardening technics on his fellow inmates at the local secure home for children. 

Tommy Tommyknocker had had an unfortunate beginning to his life when he was diagnosed with haemophilia after an accident involving a mince grinder and an old copy of a Edwardian poster detailing a show girl and her knickerbockers.

 After a series of operations to unmangle his immature manhood  he was forewarned that his unfortunate disease would ensure his early and untimely death if he continued to lacerate his body for unnatural sexual pleasure.

Ederson and Tommy enjoyed there gardening exploits, and were often engaged in intimate operations and exploratory technics at the adjacent Convent. The convent was run by a cohort of unfrocked Nuns who has been expelled from any number of brethren and sistren  benefices.

To be continued....