DOOMSDAY DEVICE UNEARTHED BY BAZZA THE GRAVEDIGGER IN DUCK DIG

DOOMSDAY DEVICE UNEARTHED BY BAZZA THE GRAVEDIGGER IN DUCK DIG

Working on behalf of the Cumbria, Johannesburg and Stettin Institute of Dwarfism and Mastication, the archaeological sub-section of the Duck Flat Cap society have unearthed an incredible find whilst exploring a network of tunnels beneath Belmont.

The tunnels were initially started in antiquity, and are believed to have been in existence when the Saxons and Danes were disputing ownership of the territory in the 7^th century AD. However, Dr Driver Chard disputes this and places the creation of earliest sections of the tunnels in the post Celtic days, just after the arrival of the Romans under the command of Julius Caesar.

The tunnels were allegedly utilised by the Saxons who originally cleared the area of the extensive tree cover, which was part of the extensive Forest of Middlesex.

The area was the adopted land of the “Middle Saxons”, who had cleared the area to make it their homeland. These middle Saxons in Middlesex are not to be mistaken for the east Saxons in Essex, the south Saxons in Sussex and the west Saxons in Wessex, but are from the same original homeland in northern Germany.

The tunnels were supposedly created at the same time as the ancient earthwork known as “Grim's Dyke”, an extensive defensive earthwork, the remains of which are still extant today.

During the 2^nd world war, the tunnels were further extended so that a link was created between the 7 Balls public house, the Duck in the Pond public house, RAF Stanmore Park and RAF Bentley Priory, the home of Fighter Command. The tunnels were allegedly used by prominent members of government and the military so that they could secretly and safely consume pints of the best bitter beer and smoke gargantuan Cuban cigars supplied by both public houses.


It has long been postulated by locals and a number of ex military, that the tunnels continued to the cellar of the Duck in the Pond public house, where the war time commanders of the Air Force bases would imbibe their favourite tipple.


Indeed, a favourite Golden pale ale sold at the time of the Battle Of Britain was locally named "Old Winny" in the belief that Winston Churchill drunk the amber ale when visiting the pub with local air commanders and squadron leaders. It is also alleged that the pubs dog, a German Shepherd, was affectionately known as "Winston" after he chewed through the war time leaders boots, whilst the prime minister rested his bare feet on a small table in the corner of the smug.


 These extensions were dug through the steep hill that is currently part of Stanmore Golf club, which is in fact itself man made, having been made for the 1^st Duke of Chandos during the early 18th century so that he could view a folly on its summit from his palatial mansion “Cannons” in what is now Cannons Park, Little Stanmore, Middlesex. The house was demolished not long after the 1^st Dukes death but smaller properties have stood on the same footprint, and the existing building is now a private school.

During the recent excavations by the archaeology sub-section of the Duck Flat Cap Society, it was noticed by lead digger , Bazza the Gravedigger, that within a section of the extended tunnel running under the hill, a previously undiscovered small door led off from the main tunnel in to a small sub chamber.




 On entering the chamber, Bazza the Gravedigger summoned the rest of the team in to the foul smelling space and howled with astonishment as he switched on a rusting light switch adjacent to the door. Facing him and the assembled diggers of the Duck Flat cap society was a large wooden chair with the lifeless body of a uniformed guard sat bolt upright. Before the guard was a small desk with a large contraption sat upon its dusty surface.

 On closer inspection it was soon clear that the item on the desk was a primitive, but fully armed, thermonuclear device. Next to the device was a large lever that was in the off position as detailed on the wooden board behind it. A set of earphones was attached to the skull of the dead guard and an instruction manual was attached by a wire to the table.

Dr Driver Chard opened the manual and was astonished to read the instruction –“DETONATE UPON TELEPHONIC INSTRUCTION AND THE CORRECT CODE WORD”. A list of code words and dates was appended to the instruction.

It was evident to the archaeologists that they had stumbled upon the fabled “Bentley  Doomsday device”, long thought to exist by chronicler’s of the 2^nd Global conflict, but had evaded all attempts to prove.

It is alleged that documents stored in the Archangel and Benidorm Institute of Doomsday devices states that a number of these rudimentary devices were planted throughout the country in a network of tunnels, and that they were to be detonated if the the war was lost and Britain was to be invaded.

The initial device being exploded near to Bentley Priory with a chain reaction effect detonating the remaining devices one after another until Great Britain had been annihilated and no longer viable for occupation by the massed Prussian hoards.

These matters are to be further investigated by the archaeological sub-section of the Duck Flat Cap society and a full report will be issued in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

BOHEMIAN FLU ALERT AT DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

MAD PAT - FLU VICTIM

Leaked reports allegedly emanating from the "Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology" state that a highly virulent strain of flu has been identified in North West London and the surrounding hinterland of Hertfordshire and Buckinghamshire.

The strain has allegedly been named "Bohemian Flu" due to its first victims being members of The "Bohemian League of Gentlemen", a secret society who are sworn to secrecy but are known to inhabit various public house located near to the stations of the Metropolitan Line, part of the London Underground railway system.

The strain is known to attack the central nervous system of its victims and eventually works its way to the frontal lobe of the brain. It then secretes hormones that attack the neurons that serve the optical, vocal and balance function of the brain.  In this respect it is expeditiously virulent when mixed with alcohol, and its victims can easily be mistaken to be inebriated and strikingly off their heads.

LES - VICTIM OF MAD ALBERT DISEASE

If left untreated it is alleged that its victims will loose all sense of reality and will slowly retreat it to a cocoon like state that closely resembles the final stages of the incurable "Mad Albert Disease".  

Acting on behalf of the Stetting and Barrow Institute of Immunology and Sexology, the Duck Flat Cap society have been  instructed by the Bohemian League of Gentlemen (BLOG)  to conduct further experiments on their brethren so as to further investigate this debilitating strain of flu, and it is hoped that by studying infected members an effective form of immunisation can be discovered.

RAY THE DUST - LAZYITOUS VICTIM

It is hoped that previous studies in to the incurable disease known as "Mad Albert Syndrome" will assist the medical and imbibing sub-division of the DFCS in finding the cure to this virulent killer.



The sub-section will be headed up by Driver Chard who will be assisted by Ray the Dust who is himself still recovering from a perniciously virulent bout of  "Lazyitous syndrome" combined with minor "Mad Albert Disease".

 If Ray the Dust is unable to assist Driver Chard he will be assisted by Pepe Le Puke, who's soiled underpants were previously proven to be a contagious carrier of Mad Albert Disease, and is therefore inoculated against the most virulent strains of these diseases.

Further reports will be submitted in due course.


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

HERR BROT IN BUNDESLIGA BLUES BID

HERR BROT IN BUNDESLIGA BLUES BID

HERR BROT VON BUFF

The Duck Flat Cap Society have been informed by a trusted informer, that a former Wembley baker and brothel keeper is allegedly brokering a deal for a famous London football team to relocate to Germany. This move has allegedly been provoked by the teams recent run of bad form, and the wish for salted bratwurst and sauerkraut.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting chairman of the sporting, imbibing and procrastinating sub committee, has recently released a statement from his secret hideaway, believed to be the Embassy of the failed state of East Chardistan.


The statement alleged that he has been witness to alleged negotiations that have been taking place at a number of clandestine meetings between officials of the London club and prominent members of the Deutche Bakers and Plumbers Bundesliga, and the Blind Deutche Bun Makers Bundestag.

Although there is no proof of these alleged meetings, Driver Chard previous good name merits a thorough investigation of the alleged facts.  

At a recent meeting of the Bohemian League of Gentleman (BLOG), Herr Brot Von Buff let is slip that he had been negotiating with oil rich middle eastern confederates at a major London hotel.

These discussions became heated when it was suggested that Herr Brot changed his clothing to that of his compatriots and partake of the Turban.


 At this suggestion Herr Brot became outraged and stormed  from the hotel in a rage, relocating to a secret address before revealing his outrage at a district meeting of the Bohemian League of Gentleman's imbibing, hiking and train travel sub-section at a hostelry located in the hinterland of the outer middle Saxons.   

The Duck Flat Cap Society are to have a joint meeting with representatives of BLOG to fully establish the facts, and have arranged to conduct an interview with Driver Chard at the East Chardistan embassy, which is based a couple of hundred yards from the fabled debating chambers of the Duck in the Pond, situated in north west London.

The German connection will be debated together with the possibility of both societies adopting the Turban as formal dress for sub committee meetings and meth dances.

Former Dust Cart operative and failed karaoke singer and ladies man, Ray the Dust will be appointed chairman of this joint meeting provided he is allowed out by his lady in waiting, Madam Dust.

Further details will be released when they become available.