I SEE NO SHIPS!

I SEE NO SHIPS!   

The day started with a cold shower and a five minute turnout.

The previous evening had been a success for Able Seaman Lancelot Shippey, and all objectives had been achieved.  He had mastered the act of demolishing a stack of pint glasses with his rotund backside and demonstrated the correct way to bite a chunk out of a schooner glass without spilling the 100 per cent proof cocktail of Vladimir vodka and pure unadulterated absinth.

This neat trick was followed by a visit to the Wan Chai District where he spent his remaining dollars on a very unconvincing Susie Wong lookalike, who he left in a supine state laying across the bed, after inflicting his flaccid manhood about her boyish and lifeless body.  

Shippey, or Ships as he was affectionately known by his co-workers at the Victoria and Portsmouth Insurance Company HO was in no mood for compromise as he entered the office for his last day of what he considered indentured work.

As he entered the lift, he tucked in his shirt tail and glanced at his red puffy face in the brightly lit mirrors adorning the walls. He sprang out of the shuddering capsule as the lift halted on the eighth floor. He squeezed his body through the opening doors and after showing his pass at the electric door mechanism advanced to his seat for the final time. 

His desk was positioned close to the full length glass windows that encompassed the exterior walls of the building. He slowly entered his various pass words in to the PC seated in front of him and was soon browsing the internet for details of the latest news bulletins from the cities numerous digital agencies.  He slowly raised his corpulent hands to his head as he wiped rapidly descending beads of sweat from his forehead and temples. 

The rest of the seats arranged around the set of desks where Ships sat were empty for one reason or another, and those seated behind were engaged in banal chatter regarding the previous night’s incident involving the murder of a call girl in one of the cities heaving island districts.

Ships overheard this chatter and instantly froze in terror as his thoughts returned to the previous night and his encounter with the Suzie Wong impersonator, who had what appeared to be two hairy golf balls and a catheter tethered between her legs. 

He went to rise from his seat but quickly refrained as he became aware that he had pissed his pants and his already stale trousers were now sodden with urine. Grabbing an old sweater from the back of an adjacent chair, he wrapped the item of clothing about his waist and stumbled towards the toilets.

After drying his loins and pubic region under the hand blower, and scrubbing his trousers and undergarments partially dry with paper towels, Ships returned to his desk where a crowd had gathered. 

Taken aback by the commotion around his work station, Ships bolted for the lifts and with sweat flowing from every pore in his body, poked the elevator down button until blood spat from his bruised and urine stained fingers. 

The elevator doors opened and Inspector John Wang Kai of the Hong Kong Bureau of Homicide stepped out grabbing Shippey by his wrists. Without thinking, the disheveled and terrified Shippey blurted out “I did it, did it, please forgive me for my sins, but i must have done it....”

Looking back through the assembled staff who had now accumulated at the electronic doors, the Inspector removed his deerstalker hat and exclaimed loudly, “I see no Ships” as he handcuffed the by now crying and cringing Shippey to his assistant detective Hillary Wang. 

As they descended the lift shaft they could all clearly hear the staff of the office rhythmically chanting “We see no ships, we see no ships…” etc. ending with a rousing cheer as he left the buildings granite and glass atrium. Ships stumbled down the steps and stooped low to accommodate being pushed in to the awaiting police van and eventual incarceration within the cities notorious prison system.

He lowered his head and glared at the highly polished boot of the police officer, and after taking a deep breath opened his mouth and exclaimed at the top of his voice….”I SEE NO SHIPS”………………………….

As the prisoner was delivered to the holding cells, the Inspector turned to his assistant and remarked that that was a remarkable turn of events as he had only called at the office to speak to his wife who worked in the accounts section.

At that very moment, a tired but alive transsexual hooker awoke in her flat in the Wan Chai District, remembering the strange but harmless client who had paid her his last few dollars before she tripped over her furniture and knocked herself out. Deciding to leave the premises to clear her head, she exited the building and picked up a morning copy of the South China and Hong Kong Times and noticed its bold headlines:

 “Hooker strangled in Causeway Bay. No suspect known to police. Murderer still at large”.  

THE BOHEMIAN ACCELERATOR AND LOST FOLIO OF THE BARD

THE BOHEMIAN ACCELERATOR AND LOST FOLIO OF THE BARD

At a recent meeting of the science and imbibing sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, it was announced that documents have been obtained by the “Wenceslas Institute of Biochemistry and the advancement of Imbibing”, that reveal  a long lost accelerator that can speed the rate of consumption when quaffing substantial amounts of alcoholic beverages. 

The long lost scroll was allegedly found with a missing folio of Shakespeare’s works in a Prague library by researchers looking in to the early life of King Igor Johannes Chardoslas, a distant relative of the Duck Flat Caps current President and Chancellor, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff.

The document allegedly describes how to prepare a poisonous tincture of Olive oil, Myrrh, lavender oil, dried crushed nasal hair, iodine and the tears of a bison, mixed with a solvent. The solvent can apparently be vinegar, glycerol or ether. The scroll goes on to allegedly describe that the Tincture is then strained through the perforated bladder of a deceased alcoholic geriatric spinster, and added to the chosen alcoholic beverage ,which can then be consumed in the normal manner, but at an accelerated speed.

The “Wenceslas Institute of Biochemistry and the advancement of Imbibing” have extended their dire warning that this Tincture is not to be consumed in any measure due to its high toxicity.  It also warns all readers of their press release and this Blog that due to its toxic nature, the ability to consume alcoholic beverages faster after adding the Tincture to the drink have not, and cannot be proven. 

This warning to not attempt to consume this alleged Tincture is also expressly repeated and endorsed by the author of this Blog. 

However, Driver Chard having studied the documentation has taken it upon his self, to prove the benefits of the Tincture, believing that if it is established to work, he will be able to return home from the pub prior to leaving his home, due to the accelerated nature of his imbibing.

 This he believes will enable him to resume Rumpy pumpy with Mrs Chard of El Hadj Duiff, as she will believe that he has ceased his daily ritual of consuming three pints of best bitter between 21.00 hours and 22.20 hours, thus leaving fresh for a hand of canasta and a free style frolic before last post.

A meeting of the procrastinating and imbibing toxicity select sub committee is to question Driver Chard as to the results of his proposed experiment at the end of the month, and a further report will be posted in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

 

 

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING HEAD OF IRINA "HITLER" PINDELECH

THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING HEAD OF IRINA "HITLER" PINDELECH

Irina Pindelech was an unfortunate spinster from Sopat, Poland, who although biologically a female, bore an uncanny resemblance to Adolf Hitler.

However, this was by no means here worst affliction as she also suffered from "extreme cranial diminution syndrome" or ECDS.

This rare condition manifests itself by reducing the size of the hosts head by up to 50% during the course of an hour, with a corresponding reflation the following hour. This would repeat for up to three days before a period of dormancy which could last up to two weeks before a relapse occurred.

The amazing shrinking of Irina's head had first arisen as a a side effect when she was infected with a mild bout of "Mad Albert Disease" during a trip to The Mitre public house in North Wembley, Middlesex.

The Mitre has subsequently been  confirmed as the birth place of "Mad Albert Disease"where it was initially incubated in a stale pint pot used by Albert Benfield and his octogenarian gymnastically challenged wife, and further details of this debilitating ailment can be found in previous Blogs containing the inflictions name.
 ( https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=23167989931844412#editor/target=post;postID=4894583811874834819;onPublishedMenu=posts;onClosedMenu=posts;postNum=134;src=postname)

Returning to the  head of Irina Pindelech, after an unfortunate childhood and mid life crisis , she settled down to a life of monotony and boredom she traveled the world as a circus exhibit until settling in the Amazonian rain forest where she began subletting her head to local tribesman who would use here cranial fluctuations in ritual fertility ceremonies.


During her stay in south America, she noticed that a tribe of fair skinned hunters bore a striking resemblance to Martin Boreman and instantly fell in love with the tribes chief who him self was smitten by her resemblance to Adolf Hitler.

They married and produced many offspring who are currently believed to be preparing for the rise of the fourth Reich whilst generating electricity for the native Indians by channeling her fluctuating cranial capacity in to electricity via a process pioneered by Peter P  Pederson and developed by the Irina Pindelech Light bulb and Capacitor company.

Driver Chard of the Duck Flat Cap society is to head an investigation in to the current whereabouts of the cranial deviant and his findings will be published in due course. 

"DRIVER CHARD" IN REFERENDUM UPROAR - IN , OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT !

"DRIVER CHARD" IN REFERENDUM UPROAR - IN , OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT !

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has caused a constitutional uproar at the Duck Flat Cap Society by demanding a plebiscite on the future of the fabled Duck Flat Cap Society.

Encouraged by the recent protestations of the Scottish National Party (SNP) for full independence from the United Kingdom, and the forthcoming referendum, acting President and Chairman of the DFCS, "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" is insisting that the societies  membership vote on full devolution from the UK, in respect of the land and buildings held by and under the control of the DFCS and it's membership.

The cantankerous septuagenarian has long fostered a belief that the United Kingdom has let the English populace down, mainly due to his belief that the Suez crises was a disgrace to the English race, and was a cheap, badly thought out, stab in the back to the British fighting "Tommy".

DRIVER CHARD

Those familiar with these reports will be aware that Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff was stationed in Egypt during his brief military career, and that he was discharged from the service shortly before the Suez crisis.

The reason for his discharge is rarely discussed, but military records obtained by ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, reveal that he was discharged after an unsavoury incident involving a camel, an Egyptian dancing girl, and as the chard would describe, a gamp (umbrella).

The mentally unstable "Driver Chard" has continued to resent the interference of the USA in the affairs of the United Kingdom, but also fostered a strong feeling that the British government was and is too weak, and a willing pawn in the foreign affairs of the USA, whilst they strive and plan for, continued  political and monitory domination of the world.

Due to these unbalanced feelings Driver Chard has long wished that his beloved Duck Flat Cap Society" would succeed from the United Kingdom, and form an independent state, named "The Republic of  Duckwych".

The name "Duckwych"  being borrowed from "Dragonwych", one of Driver Chard's favourite films staring his hero and fantasy male role model, Vincent Price.

Driver Chard's stance has been discussed by the "DFCS", and the "Imbibing and sovereignty" sub committee have decided that it is not appropriate for a referendum to take place until the mental stability of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" has been fully established.

This is to be achieved by at least three independent medical doctors conducting a full test of his mental agility and stability, and an appropriate affidavit confirming the Chard's healthy state of mind, signed by  his legal attorney together with an independent lawyer appointed by the "Legal and Litigation" sub section of the DFCS, namely "Arthur J Fukrudden & Co - solicitors to the landed gentry". 

At present, it is unlikely that the appropriate documents will be forthcoming, as at recent meetings of the full Duck Flat Cap Society, as acting president and chairman, "Driver chard" has taken to wearing a 1947 Fulham FC football kit together with a fake copy of the Victoria Cross and other medals obtained in his brief military career as a 1st class driver.

This regalia is topped off with a black top hat perched on his greying head, and a pair of black and white spats on his lower legs and feet.

This sad misbehaviour is further enhanced by his handing out to the remaining committee members, a collection of fading signed photographs of failed Karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative "Ray the Dust", in a number of compromising positions, mainly with the diminutive and overweight fellow dust cart operative "Pepe Le Puke".

RAY THE DUST

The authenticity of the photographs are not doubted, as similar seedy shots were uncovered during "Ray the   Dusts" recent fall from grace in to his own personnel mental trough , following his dismissal from the Karaoke circuit and associated  pub singing underworld, so vicariously loved by the overweight and ageing Lothario.

The negatives are currently being investigated by "Dave the Teach" and northern compatriot " Basher Hurley", to see if they can be  reproduced for the next  issue of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" periodical - "Flat Caps, Deerstalkers and other headgear".

The next edition is due in the early spring, and will be edited by "Chelsea Dave the Duck", who will assisted by "Bazzer Duck" who will provide an article entitled "Grave digging and coin collecting in the 21st century".

BAZZA DUCK


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

However, returning to "Driver Chard", his ability to sink three pints of real ale has not diminished, so all is not lost, and a full mental recovery may be forthcoming. Therefore all further activity regarding the proposed plebiscite is to be postponed until further notice.

GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.

GERMAN HISTORY, BUFFING CANDELABRA'S AND THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH - THE FULL UPDATED STORY.

Leopold Grolzch was a part time candelabra buffer from a small village on the outskirts of Leipzig.

He was an only child of an unholy union between a defrocked priest and the village hag. 

He had led a lonely childhood, as when he was only eight years old his mother was drowned at the local Ducking Stool by the county “witch finder general”, and his father excommunicated and exiled from the Bishopric after an unsavoury encounter with the Mayors daughters involving an unnaturally tight pair of lederhosen, a piglet and a felt pork pie hat.  

At an early age he was placed in the care of the local monastery and in particular a Franciscan friar named  Heinrich  Hasselhoff. The Monk was a seven foot giant with a pale complexion and a complicated habit of sneezing whenever  he came in to contact with another human being. However, by a strange coincidence he was immune to young Leopold Grolzch and for this reason was very fond of the child.

 Leopold was allowed to roam freely about the monastic buildings that sheltered him, and was amazed by the monastic collection of silverware and Gold that was displayed within the Treasury and adorned the heaving shelves of the chancellery. 

 

In particular he was fascinated by a trio of solid silver candelabra that sat upon the vestry. After close inspection the young Leopold noticed a small blemish on the larger of the candelabra and grabbing his shirt as a duster began to vigorously polish the silver object until it shone with the ferocity of the sun.   This action was noticed by the pallid Heinrich and soon he put him to work buffing and flossing the entire monastic collection of silverware and gold.

Included in these treasures were gilded Gaelic interpretations of the Celtic migration from their original homeland in south western Gaul, impressed upon sheets of velum and embroidered with gold and silver leaf. This evidence being of particular interest due to the continuing belief by scholars that the Celts originated in the region between southern Germany and northern Austria.

Over the following years, the young Leopold grew in to a fine young man with a love of polishing and buffing. However, remembering his roots he was appalled that the treasures he vigorously buffed and polished four times a day were only on display for the religious elite and that the secular populous were unable to gain pleasure from the shining metallic hoard festering within the monastic compound. 

Thus at that moment, Leopold began to hate both the religious bureaucrats that had collected and horded the silver and golden collection, and the priests and monks who tangibly benefited from the luxurious booty available within church and monastic buildings.

 His hatred was further fostered by the memory that his father was a defrocked Priest and that he had violated the young daughter of the town’s Mayor with his tight fitting lederhosen and felt pork pie hat. 

However, he only felt sorrow for the piglet.

Fueled with anger, Leopold Grolzch hunted down his albino  benefactor and strangled him with a pair of lederhosen he had discovered in the Monasteries brewery, and systematically went about murdering the remaining religious occupants of the holy house using a red hot poker and sharpened candelabras, whilst wearing the same lederhosen that had strangled Heinrich, and a Felt pork pie hat soaked in pigs blood. 

With the incumbents of the monastic house now slain, Leopold strode purposely from the building and mounting the largest available Porker trotted to the village where he encountered the Mayor and Witch finder general.   After a stand-off lasting approximately thirty seconds, the Mayor and Witch finder agreed to abide by a solemn oath that the silverware and gold of the monastic settlements within the jurisdiction of the Bishopric of Leipzig would only be buffed and polished by secular serfs and midget gentiles.

Furthermore, they were not connected to the church via any relative or distant family member, and that religious families and that those taking holy orders would be excluded from such duties until the seventh seal was broken and Armageddon devoured the world's population and destroyed the realms of the earth.

After obtaining this oath, Leopold returned to his village hovel, retaking possession of his hovel  from the village’s present hag and retired to a lonely life of bell buffing, until he died of buffers elbow at the tender age of twenty two.  

Thus was the life of Leopold Grolzch. 

THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH

THE SECULAR NEPOTISM OF LEOPOLD GROLZCH

Leopold Grolzch was a part time candelabra buffer from Buffenwezal, a small village on the outskirts of Leipzig.

He was an only child of an unholy union between a defrocked priest and the village hag. 

He had led a lonely and troubled childhood, as when he was only eight years old his mother was drowned at the local Ducking Stool by the regional “Witchfinder General".
At the same time his father was excommunicated and exiled from the Bishopric after an unsavoury encounter with the Mayors daughters, involving an unnaturally tight pair of lederhosen, a piglet and a felt pork pie hat.  

At an early age he was placed in the care of the local monastery and in particular a Franciscan friar named  Heinrich  Hasselhoff.

The Monk was a seven foot giant with a pale complexion and a complicated habit of sneezing whenever  he came in to contact with another human being. However, by a strange coincidence he was immune to young Leopold Grolzch and for this reason was very fond of the child.

more to follow.........................