FUNKING PARTY SCORE DRAW FOR A HUNGOVER WWB

FUNKING PARTY SCORE DRAW FOR A HUNGOVER WWB

Reports are reaching this blogger that the self styled Buddha of soul and funk, WWB, has made another unsuccessful attempt at a return to the highlife.

The aging somnambulist and ex Wembley Foot tapper, was suffering from the standard hangover as he began his stylish set. As usual a soulful mix of fusion, jazz and hard core old skool reverberated from the clubs speakers, leaving the occupants of the largely empty auditorium grooving and strutting with glee.

For a while, those of us lucky to remember the hay day of the Wembley Foot tapper phenomenon, were transposed to 1979 and the seedy dance floors of Atlantis in Margate and Lacey Lady in Gants Hill, Ilford, just off the north circular road.

However, the empty venue was a sure pointer to the symbiotic ennui ,which the followers of this ex prince of the dance floor, continue to suffer.

As Eddie Henderson, Brass Construction, Dexter Wansel, Donald Byrd , Ronnie Laws, Grover Washington and the like, drifted across the dance floor, those who had attended the event drifted through the door on to the cold and unforgiving Cricklewood high street.

A small band of bald and greying Anglo Irish converts, attempted to raise the atmosphere of the club, but were unable to move far enough away from the bar to save the evening. Alas, they soon also drifted away towards the warmth of a Kilburn “lock in” and a pot of Guinness.

All in all, this was another small step on WWB’s return to the heady heights of his youth, and again we can only hope that provided excessive alcohol intake does not continue to seep the seed from this ex musical masters brain, the future may still be bright !

A recent return to the broadcasting studio may prove to be the stimuli needed to return him mentally to his hedonistic youth, however, his recent deportation from the UK and embroilment in the Kingston, Jamaican underground could still thwart any return to the highest stage for the soon to be pensionable aged WWB.

Updates will be posted as soon as the Jamaican authorities release him from his self inflicted home imprisonment, and his agreement to pay the going rate to the local gangsters for protection.

CHAIRMAN SUN YET BLOGGS

CHAIRMAN SUN YET BLOGGS

Reports are reaching the west, that an expatriate cockney, the self styled "Chairman Sun Yet Bloggs" has unsuccessfully attempted to overthrow the government of Xiang gang (Hong Kong).

Bloggs, as we shall call this eastern potentate, has made numerous visits to this far eastern enclave of capitalism, usually under the undignified guise of an English Rugby Union fan.

He has often been spotted at the Excelsior Hotel drinking large quantities of Guinness and Real Ale in the British Bar located in the basement of the bourgeois building.

His rent activities have reportedly included clandestine meetings with members of the Cantonese Triad Mafiosi, and playing mahjong whilst smoking opium in to the early hours of the morning.

It is with these associates that Bloggs allegedly made an unsuccessful mad dash for control of this Chinese enclave, only being thwarted by his use of Cockney Rhyming slang confusing his followers when they tried to follow his instructions .

Further details of this intriguing storey will be posted in due course.

Ageing "Wembley Foot Tappers" put on a surprise performance at the O2, followed by an impromptu performance on the top floor of a no. 18 night bus.

AGEING "WEMBLEY FOOT TAPPERS" PUT ON A SUPRISE PERFORMANCE


It has recently been disclosed that an alcohol fuelled WWB, together with a number of the ageing "Wembley foot tappers", put on a surprise performance at the O2 recently, followed by an outrageous impromptu performance on the top floor of the 18 night bus.

This bid at regaining some of his former glory, is a sad indictment of the descent in to despair of the self styled Professor of Funk , as the allegedly overweight and rambling “One Seed” tries to re ignite the hedonistic life style of his youth.

It has been suggested that by setting up the new revivalist Jazz Funk troupe “Global Village, the very name its self a sad throw back to the clubbing life style of the 1970’s, he is setting himself a challenge that many commentators believe may prove unattainable.

However, time will prove whether the sad return to the upper floors of the 18 night bus is just a temporary blimp on WWB's return to the top, and the recently announced Xmas event in the name of "Global Village" could well turn out to be the turning point for the "Professor of Funk" . 

Recent developments have seen WWB deported from the UK for undisclosed offences involving copious quantities of red wine, Guinness, lederhosen and talcum powder. 

It is alleged that he is currently holed up in a secret location in Jamaica, whilst he undergoes therapy and treatment for his delusions of grandeur, alcoholism and a severe handkerchief fetish.  

Further details will not be released.

1 / 11 / 2019   -  RIP Winnie Brown

THE IMAGINERIOUM OF DR HORSE

THE IMAGINERIOUM OF DR HORSE

First let me set the scene.....

Its 1855, and the cold dark basement of a creaking hovel in Jacobs Island is shrouded in dry ice, as a strange man dressed in a tall black Top Hat and dark clothing , shades his face with a cloak. He slowly reveals his facial features, revealing a large pointed nose, which support a pair of circular wire framed glasses, suspended by large jug like ears that are partially hidden by long flowing jet black hair.

In the mans left hand is a glowing Kaleidoscope emitting rays of colourful light, whilst in his right hand is a screeching Hurdy Gurdy discharging the eerie sound of death.

Apart from the black hatted mystery figure the room was empty, as was the remainder of the building. Outside all was still and even the Rats had abandoned the filth ridden rooms above the basement. 

In the street adjacent to the stinking hovel, out of the gloom appeared a huge upright white Bear, striding forward at pace followed by a naked Congolese Pygmy whose hands were tightly gripping the strong chain that hung around the Bears bloated neck.

Suddenly they stopped, and the Bear turned to the Pygmy and pointed with his huge paw towards the door of the hovel.

Across the winding lane, hidden behind a half full barrel of rotting waste, was Artimous Cooper, a barrel maker who lived further down the lane, on a small houseboat moored just off of Jacobs Island.

Artimous watched in amazement as the Bear and Pygmy opened the door and entered the small dingy building, the stale air filling the lungs of the Bear making it let out a small whimper as it strained to control the urge to spew its guts across the floor. The Pygmy was not bothered by the bad air and motioned to the Bear to go down the stairs towards the haunting sound of the Hurdy Gurdy and the strange lights emanating from the flashing kaleidoscope.

Intrigued, Artimous followed the pair and gingerly descended the steep wooden stairs, stair by stair, as his heart throbbed in his chest and his eyes strained to behold what was ahead of him.

Artimus reached the bottom of the stairs and blinked his tear filled eyes. The great bear and minute pygmy were ahead of him and he shuffled forward a few yards and was soon almost upon them.

Artimus strained his eyes at the black clothed figure whose bespectacled eyes were staring at the hurdy gurdy that he held in his spindly white gloved hands. The screeching whine that emitted from the instrument began to decrease in volume, and the bright rays of light diminished in intensity.

Artimus turned his head towards the bear and pygmy and was surprised to see that they were now quite close to the strange black clothed musician. Suddenly the Top hated figure turned and disappeared in to the dark morass behind him. The bear and pygmy soon ventured to the place where the strange scene had unfolded and as with the darkly dressed figure disappeared in to the darkness.

Artimus swiftly blinked his eyes and motioned towards the centre of the room. As he neared there last position he could just make out a series of doors in the far wall. The doors looked like those he had seen in his youth, whilst apprenticed to a master Cooper.

Artimus had served his time in Rotherhithe, but had spent a year in Cadiz assisting his mentor complete a contract for the King of Spain. Whilst in Cadiz, he had seen various depictions of the New World, rough sketches and note book scribbles brought back to Spain in the past by the sailors who had conducted the Spanish conquest of central and South America.

The doors were made of wood, and appeared to be bolted at both the top and bottom. Artimus approached a door and was surprised to see that the bolts were undone, and the door slightly ajar. Artimus slowly opened the door and viewed a long corridor running of in to the dark.
Ahead of him he thought he could see the back of the bear, and after slowly partly closing the door behind him, he stepped in to the dark corridor.

Creeping slowly along the dimly lit passage, Artimus ran his right hand along the wall and suddenly paused as his hands stumbled across a large cold handle. Pushing the door attached to the handle released the partially open door hinge and the heavy barrier began to ease open.

Artimus gradually squeezed his head around the opening portal and drew a deep breath as he gazes upon the vista before him. As Artimus pulled the rest of his body through the partially open door way, his short neck was straining to propel his stocky head from side to side as he tried to take in the view before him. Artimus shut his eyes and wiped his hand across his now slightly moist eyes. 

Fully opening his eyes he now fully took in the scene before him, a rolling Steppe of undulating grasslands stretching in to the far distance, where snow capped mountains towered in to the bright blue firmament. The mountains appeared to curve in a great sweep across the horizon, and before them the lush steppe rolled forward in a never ending verdant carpet of lush grasses. 

Artimus strained to locate something or somebody familiar and soon noticed the Bear and pygmy lumbering forward approximately five hundred yards ahead. They were following a trail that seemed to be a permanent track through the grasslands.

Ahead of the duo was the strange darkly dressed figure that Artimus had last seen in the cellar of the building at Jacobs Island. His black top hat sat upon his head and a number of birds were hovering above him in the bright azure sky. 

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT

Kram Toille was tired.

He had arisen early that morning to go fishing and had travelled a long way for that enjoyable experience. The modern car made the journey relatively simple, although the traffic was at times frustrating.

Returning in the evening, and on reaching his comfy suburban home, he had quickly bathed and after checking his E Mails, watching television with his partner and eating his dinner, had fallen asleep in the armchair.

He awoke with a start at approximately 4.30 in the morning, the room was dark and strangely unfamiliar. A strange mouldy smell enveloped his nostrils and he strained to view the dark room ahead of him. Both hands pushed down on the arms of the chair so as to propel his body on to his tired legs.

Immediately he noticed that the arms of the chair were unusually cold and hard, rather than the expected cushioned warmth of the modern upholstering.

Startled, he ran his hands back across the arms only to be shocked that they were fashioned from cold, hard wood!.

His eyes started to adjust to the lack of light and he was drawn towards a flickering image to the end of the room.

Unsure if he was dreaming, he stumbled towards the flickering light source and quickly noticed that it was the remains of a candle that had just about extinguished its supply of wax, and was about to go out.

Kram Toille frantically searched for the room’s walls and electric light switch, so that he could reveal the contents of the room. However this was to no avail, and after stumbling about the walls he reached a course curtain that covered a small window opening in the wall.

 

He pulled the curtain aside to reveal a truly unbelievable vista. In the far distance the sun was starting to rise against horizon of gently rolling hill covered in deciduous forest. He closed his eyes and blinked.

What was going on !!!!

Kram Toille had been born in 1959 and lived in a 1930's semi detached house, on a suburban road in “Betjeman’s” celebrated metro land.

The nearest countryside was a couple of miles away, but there in front of him was a truly rural landscape.
In the near distance was an old thatched cottage with a cottage garden surrounding the building. Next to this property were a farm house and an old barn, with its doors open revealing bundles of hay strewn about the building.

Other rural buildings were dotted about the scenery, although the majority of Krams view was that of idyllic countryside.

Kram rubbed his eyes and turned round to view the room with the benefit of the sunlight starting to enter the premises through the small windows. He was staggered to view the contents of the room which reminded him of a vintage Victorian photograph published in a historical magazine.

The floors of the room were wooden with a small rug in front of the open fireplace. A small wooden chair was at angle beside the hearth, and the chair that Kram had earlier risen from was on the opposite side of the fire.

The walls were covered in simple hessian wallpaper, and a sepia photograph of Queen Victoria, and her extended family hung above the fire place. 

Pushed up against the wall were a small wooden table and two simple stools. The table was uncovered, apart from a small Bible which had a leather book mark wedged in to its pages.

On the floor next to the table was small copper coin and Kram stretched down to pick it up. 

Having recovered the coin he quickly noticed that it was a gleaming new Victorian penny, with a portrait of Queen Victoria on the reverse and the date 1870 stamped on the base.

Kram stared at the coin and was amazed at its quality. He had collected coins as a child and had indeed owned many old Victorian pennies. However, he had never seen one in such fine condition. He quickly placed the coin in his pocket and continued to scan the room.

Kram’s head was spinning as he quickly motioned towards the door so as to escape from this nightmare. As he passed through the opening he slipped and fell hard, smashing his head against the cold wooden flooring in the hallway.

All was quite as Kram lay there, his breath easing to a gentle intake of musty damp air, and his eyes tightly shut.

Kram awoke some three hours later with thumping headache, and the thought of his "dreamed" Victorian odyssey flooding through his terrified brain.

He slowly opened his eyes expecting to see the floor and walls of the dingy building that he had slipped and fell in some hours earlier, but was amazed to see familiar furnishings in his own hallway.

He quickly rose from the ground and opened the front door.

His head thrust through the open portal and he was greeted with the familiar view of his normal suburban surroundings, the cars parked in the street, the post box at the end of the road, and his neighbour’s cat strolling across his front garden.

Completely bamboozled, Kram moved to his kitchen, switched the electric kettle on and sat on a wooden stool. He strained his memory trying to remember the events that had earlier befallen him, and he soon dismissed the complete episode as a strange, but very vivid dream. 

As he sat on the stool his nose began to run and he placed his hand in to his trouser pocket to retrieve a tissue. His hand entered his pocket and immediately touched a cold small object.

Kram's hands quickly retrieved the object and he shivered in disbelief, as he held a brand new, mint condition 1870 Victorian penny in his hand.......

THE BANJO OF SYRACUSE

THE  BANJO OF SYRACUSE

It has recently been disclosed that a strange instrument, similar to a four stringed Plectrum banjo, has been languishing in the basement of a local museum in downtown Syracuse, New York state.

The city of Syracuse is situated in a part of North America that was inhabited by native Americans four to five thousand years before the arrival of the white man.

In the 1600's the area was inhabited by five nations of the Iroquois Confederacy, being the Mohawks, Senecas, Onondagas, Oneidas and Cayugas.

The first white men were the French who arrived in 1615 with Samuel Champlain, and the British began to take an interest in the area in the early 1700's.

The city of Syracuse was founded close to Lake Onondaga, on part of the Onondaga salt spring Reservation. The city has had several names, with the first being "Salt Point", a name derived from the numerous salt deposits in the area.

The current ethnic breakdown of the local population indicates that the original native inhabitants have almost totally abandoned the area, and in is interesting to note that over a quarter of the population (27.9%) can trace their recent ancestry to the continent of Africa. The Irish also constitute a large proportion at 15.9 % together with the Italians 14.1 % and Germans 12.2 %.
This is despite the area experiencing high snowfall throughout the winter months, being influenced by the nearby great lakes and the Atlantic seaboard.

Returning to the instrument that is very similar to a four string Banjo, it was was originally discovered in 1830, by Irish navvies whilst completing the excavation of the Erie Canal.

The Banjo was introduced to the United States by the enslaved Africans who fashioned Gourd- bodied instruments like those they knew from their original homeland in western Africa.
At the time , the four stringed Banjo was being popularised by the American performer "Joel Sweeney", and it was automatically believed by those who unearthed the instrument from the Erie canal that the "Banjo" was a recent model that had been discarded by a local slave.

However, the Banjo was accompanied by other artifacts that until the present day had confounded all who had viewed them. The artifacts appeared to be grave goods, and parts of a human skeleton were entwined with the Banjo. However they did not resemble any other native American discoveries and so were placed in the basement of the local Museum and forgotten !

A recent survey of the contents of the museum re discovered the Banjo and other artifacts, including the bones, and theses have subsequently been Carbon dated, and to the astonishment of the investigating archaeologists, the date revealed was fifteen thousand years BC.

Further more, fluoride dating of a number of teeth that were still situated in the partial jaw that was with the skeletal remains, has shown that the deceased ancestor had grown up in the west of the continent of Africa, and could not have experienced an early life on the Norther American continent.

The study is not complete,but the existing evidence suggests that the "Banjo" and the person to whom the instrument was offered as a grave good, was of west African extraction and that western Africans must have travelled to the Americas via the Bering land bridge during the last Ice Age at the same time as their Asian cousins.

I eagerly await more details !!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE CARTOGRAPHERS SECRET

THE CARTOGRAPHERS SECRET

Unknown to all but a small circle of academics, it has recently been established, that the original mapping of the world was not carried out by Magellan, Columbus, Cook or the other fabled discoverers and explorers of the then known world.
 Neither by Mercator, remembered for his famous projections, or even the earlier Phoenicians who had mastered the Mediterranean whilst the Pharaohs were still the Lords of Upper and Lower Egypt.

In ancient Sumeria, the recovery of documents discovered in a subterranean necropolis located on the banks of the river Euphrates prove that our neolithic predecessors had mastered the mapping of the worlds vast continents and seas, thousands of years earlier than academia had ever believed possible.

Dr Theodopolis Fassbender-Doyle, the General Secretary of the Supreme Council of Antiquities for the Mesopotamian region, has released details that have shaken the authoritarian worlds of both science and history.

The rich archaeological heritage of Mesopotamia, together with that of Israel, Egypt, the Indus valley and other ancient civilisations is being constantly eroded by illegal excavations carried out to meet an escalating demand for antiquities.

Dr Fassbender-Doyle had been investigating an unauthorised excavation when he and his colleagues allegedly discovered an abandoned Necropolis that contain a number of semi mummified bodies.

To the amazement of the Doctor and his companions, a mummified corpse had been discovered holding an undamaged papyrus parchment in his left hand. The document was a map of the world detailing coastlines that were inundated by the rising oceans and seas at the end of the last Ice age.

 In the mummies other hand was another parchment that was covered in Hieroglyphic figures and to the utter amazement of the Doctor and his colleagues, a crude drawing of a modern mobile Cell phone !

  After this discovery, the Doctor consulted fellow directors of Antiquity and ancian artifacts throughout the academic world, and it soon became apparent that similar discoveries had been found at other archaeological sites, but nothing had been divulged due to the fear of being ostracised by fellow colleagues.

It is now believed by the Doctor and his collegues that time travellers from our distant future managed to perfect time travel as predicted in Einsteins law of Relativity and being interested in antiques carried copies of mobile phones that were available in the early 21st century. They managed to easily map the world as it was before the descent of the last Ice Age and then left clues throughout time at different archaeological sites.

They also bestowed their knowledge on the local bands of Neolithic travellers who wandered the planet, and this assisted their colonisation of the world.

Centuries later, it is now believed that these clues were found by the Phoenicians and other seafaring groups, and were used as the basis for there early charts and maps. Some of which have survived to this day, and continue to confounded modern cartographers and geographers by their knowledge of coast lines that are now only available to view via ice penetrating radar and sonar.

The full facts have not yet been fully released, and probably never will be !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROYAL DOPPELGANGER MYSTERY EXPOSED

 ROYAL DOPPELGANGER MYSTERY EXPOSED



Documents allegedly recently released by the Russian state archive, indicate that prior to the Russian Revolution in 1918, and the subsequent mass murder of the entire Russian "Romanov" Imperial Royal family, George V of the house of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, and later Windsor from 17 July 1917, the reigning King and Monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and Emperor of India and Nicholas Romanov II, Czar and Emperor of all the Russia's, switched identities.

  The switch was successful due to their uncanny resemblance to each other, which was due due the genetic fact that they were first cousins, together with the German Kaiser Wilhelm II.

The alleged switch of identities took place during a visit to the United Kingdom by the entire Romanov Royal family, when they stayed at the former Royal residence of the late Queen Victoria on the Isle of White.

As was the custom at the time, a large proportion of the British Home Fleet were stationed of shore so that the Czar could review the Navy whilst in the company of his cousin, King George V.

At the time of the Royal visit, Nicholas was aware that the Russian people were in a rebellious mood and he was unsure that he would be able to maintain his position as Czar of all the Russia's on his return to the vast and desolate lands that he ruled over. His German wife Alexandra, the former Princess Alix of Hess -Darmstadt, was also causing him trouble with her infatuation for the Siberian Lothario and Russian Orthodox priest "Rasputin", who controlled her every thought and move, through his supposed supernatural care for their hemophiliac son "Tsesarevich Alexei Nikolaevich".

George was allegedly dissatisfied with his life after his accession the the throne, and his sudden change of life style, brought on particularly by the continuous nagging of his wife Queen Mary.
The change of identity was suggested by George, and Nicholas jumped at the chance to remain in England.
He had long wished to become closer acquainted to Mary and was sick to the back teeth of Alex and her constant flirting with the maddening and totally insane Priest, Rasputin.

Allegedly, the switch took place without any one noticing except that Queen Mary was pleasantly surprised by her "husbands" renewed vigour between the Royal bed sheets.
Also, the Czarina was soon to notice that the "Czar" was no longer worried by Rasputin as long as she retired to the Royal bed chamber as and when required by the randy royal doppelganger.

Indeed the recently released documents allegedly also reveal that it was probably George who ordered the final assassination of Rasputin by the fay homosexual Royal prince Felix Yusupov at the Moika Palace.

All was well for both parties until the Russian Revolution at which time George tried to explain who he was but the now comfortable Nicholas, relishing his new existence as King and Emperor of the United Kingdom and India and Dominions refused to consent to the explanation offered by the now desperate George.

Of course, we all know what happened next, as the entire Royal family were transported to the Siberian town of Yekaterinburg and murdered by Bolshevik henchmen as the orders of the local soviet.

Thus, allegedly the former Czar of all the Russia continued on the Throne of the United Kingdom and to this day his direct offspring is the Monarch of the same !!!!!!!!!!!!.

TO WASSAIL OR NOT TO WASSAIL

WASSAIL - Meaning:

Celebrate noisily, often indulging in drinking; engage in uproarious festivities

Its a little known fact that the original draft of Shakespeare's famous soliloquy from Hamlet omitted the words "To be or not to be" and included "To Wassail or not to Wassail" as detailed in the draft below.

"To Wassail or not to Wassail– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of Lager
And, by opposing, end them. To die, to drink
No more – and by a drink to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation of Lager"

So that was what Will Shaksprear was writing about !, young Prince Hamlet was dying for a pint of lager and a cigar !.

Although not my own view, it has allegedly long been rumoured that Shakespeare was a recovering alcoholic who had been blinding drunk whilst writing Hamlet and his history plays.

Indeed, although never confirmed, it has allegedly been stated by more than one historian that Henry V was originally written by our balding hero whilst recovering from a bout of melancholia brought on by a quart bottle of Absinthe and a temporary ban from the local stews ! .



Well, to answer Wills original question... im off to Wassail.......!