CONGENITAL MONKFISH SYNDROME STALKS POLITE SOCIETY

 CONGENITAL MONKFISH SYNDROME STALKS POLITE SOCIETY

First detected in a Monkfish allegedly caught off the Nova Neasdenian seaboard, this debilitating and brutal disease has taken the medical establishment by astonishment. 

Its symptoms include an extreme and absurd reaction to alcohol, which includes a rapid removal of upper clothing and the grabbing of any club or pool cue like instrument to act as a pretend microphone. 

A requirement to adopt a Mick Jagger like facial expression is also a standard reflex action of this debilitating  condition, however, strutting across the floor is an optional reaction that is only triggered in certain cases. 

The condition was first noted at the former home of UK branch of the notorious drinking association known as the " Boojar Team", and allegedly originally surfaced in the nefarious drinking den known as the Carlton Lodge. The infamous licence premises was a wonderful pace to experience the full flavour of  Boojar behaviour, and was perfectly situated between the Boojar Teams HQ at the Mitre and its early evening substitute premises known as the John Lyon.

Additional ale houses were earmarked throughout the locality in case of enforced additional imbibing requirements by the team, and these included the Sudbury Swan, Norfolk Arms, Black Horse , Rising Sun and Hop Bine. Each of these venues were awarded full Boojar Team credentials by the appropriate authorities and were often joyfully and successfully utilised as and when required. 

Monkfish syndrome was originally thought to be a highly infectious disease, but after detailed research by the renowned "Mayo and Neasden Institute of Alcoholism and Depression", it has been confirmed that the source of the contagion is contained withing the patients Y Chromosome DNA haplogroup. It therefor follows that the disease is inherited via the male line, and is triggered by an as yet unknown factor. 

To be continued.......... 

THE FOUR HORSEMAN OF THE DUCK

                                 THE FOUR HORSEMAN OF THE DUCK

The terrified clientele of the genteel suburban hostelry cowered in there seats as the evenings events began to unwind.  

The "Revelations, Lager and Real Ale" sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society had gathered that evening to debate and discuss the recent demise of the societies former greatness. 

At its zenith, the regular meetings of the world famous society would be able to gather at least fifteen of its regular members to the head table, with  a solid core of regular and sincere members taking their seats on a daily basis. Additional malingerers and time wasters would also often make appearances, swelling the weekend and bank holiday attendance to approximately twenty. However, today, if allowed by the cowardly menace of Covid and government restrictions, meetings would be lucky to number four, even on high days, Fridays and and anniversaries.

Having sadly lost its former President and Chairman, Sir Driver Chard, the debating society had been further hit by the restrictions brought in to combat the pestilence sweeping the county and wider world. 

The closure of the club house and debating chamber had muted most activities, but due to special circumstances the committee had persuaded the hostelry to open its doors for a temporary period of reflections and mortification. 

Most fortunately and agreeably, this also coincided with the governments decision to suspend open hostilities towards the hospitality trade and mercifully allow limited opening of public houses and restaurants. Hurrahhhhh !

As required by the regulations at the time, Dave Duck, Barry the Gravedigger, Dave the Teach and one other would assemble at the required safe distance and set about righting society of its ills, spills and failures. As core members of the societies various and numerous committees and sub committees, the regulars would automatically form a quorum, and vote on points of principle and confirm their authenticity or reject them as puerile garbage. 

It was agreed that due to current ills of society and the dreadful pestilence that ravaged the world, the core members would reinvent themselves as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, so as to avenge the play makers and purveyors of the apocalyptic society that was joyfully and criminally locking the worlds populace in to their home made prison cells.

As the "four horsemen" suddenly jumped to their feet revealing their chain mail under-garments and home made swords, the startled and unsuspecting crowd recoiled in their seats clutching chests and heads in amazement as they struggled to gulp down air and take in the unsettling spectacle before them. 

To be continued...............

 

THE PRISONER OF COVID

                                          THE PRISONER OF COVID

Minutes passed to hours, that turned to days, that stretched to weeks, months and years.

Time flexed and waned like a stretched elastic band or condom that had been expanded to its limit, and lost is flexibility. Life was now static and rigid.

Locked in to a daily routine of banishment from civilisation and humanity, time passed slowly for the inhabitants of the leafy outer suburbs of the metropolitan world.

Unlike those who reside in the green belts surrounding the worlds metropolitan areas, and the broad swaths of verdant countryside that lay outside the grip of urban sobriety, the city drudgery was uncompromising and grim, and extended to the outer commuter belt.  

Many fell in to a deep depression as the silence and boredom took its toll on the mental health of previously fit and healthy individuals.

 Tempers were  stretched to their maximum, and even a visit to the grocery store or supermarket was like you had received a day of remission from your unwarranted and relentless punishment. A day at the races or a day trip to the seaside was off limits, as was any enterprise that took you away from the ever encroaching and  enclosing walls of your registered place of residence. 

Like a scene from a dystopian movie, you would leave your front door checking that your mask was in place and scanning for passers bye who may have the audacity to encroach on your allotted two metre zone of sanctuary.

 Having confirmed that the immediate area was clear of infiltrators, you could embark on your journey scanning all round for enemy action and being prepared at all times to take evasive action to evade potential invaders of your two meter exclusion zone. 

You continue along your well planned route constantly scanning for interlopers and rule breakers, your eyes constantly looking for offenders and rogue joggers and cyclists. Each vehicle, be it a  parked car, van or lorry is a potential risk, as passengers sit silently entombed in their carriage awaiting to unsuspectingly pounce as you pass. A clue is often a running engine, but you can easily be ambushed by the silent menace of vehicle squatters.

As restrictions eased. additional encroachment's by infiltrators were soon to establish a space on the pavements and pathways of both suburban and rural England. Pretending to escape the confines of there premises for exercise, most were undoubtedly making their way to a friend or relatives home.  

To be continued.........

THE DANCE OF THE MENSTRUATING THEODOLITE

 THE DANCE OF THE MENSTRUATING THEODOLITE

Spring was late this year.

Ice was still on the dew pond at the end of May, the snowdrops had not awoken from there hibernation by Pentecost and the ground was frostbitten and foreboding. The huge sky was dark and threatening as the local community went about there daily business. The cows and goats still needed milking, the geese to be led to new pasture and the hogs to slaughter. 

The daily routine was the same what ever the weather and climate threw at the villagers, and this had always been the way. 

Although the community was small, it was large enough to have an elected council of The Elders, who officiated at the occasional trial for misdemeanors and criminal activity,  and oversaw the general management of the rural settlement. There were three Elders, each of whom emanated from a long standing and well established local family.

 Their position was permanent, and could only be terminated by death or ill health.  However, although there were a triumvirate of Elders, there was always a predominate figure, and as far back as anyone could remember came from the De Oude-Smit clan.  

The De Oude-Smits were established in the locality before the settlement achieved village status, and were renowned for having arrived from inland Europe prior to the voyages of Erik the Red, Cabot, Cartier, Amerigo Vespucci or Columbus. With a reputed Dutch / Irish / Welsh heritage, the family were predominant in local history and folk law.

 A family of many trades, they specialised in the production of Theodolite like instruments that were utilised in surveying the land that was reclaimed from the surrounding marshes and encroaching forests. 

The tradition in "Theodolite" production had taken on a semi mystic and quasi religious position in the mindset of the other villagers, and as a token of their respect held an annual ceremony where an enormous theodolite was carved from an old oak tree and placed in to the middle of the village green.

 A special grove of sacred oak trees had been planted on the edge of the village many centuries ago, planted by the original settlers according to oral myth,  and the trees that grew there were maintained as the special preserve for use in Theodolite ceremonies.  

Hoss De Oude-Smit was the current preeminent Elder, and his rule was as strict as custom would reasonably allow. However, he was at odds with his fellow elders due to his stringent adherence to the sacred doctrine of St Hookens of Sudbury and the Rossgates Creed. The Book of Bohiem was a semi mythical scripture that detailed the teachings of St Stavros Hookens and his fellow acolyte, Deacon Rossatron Gates of Sudbury.

To be continued.........

"RAY THE DUST" IN IMPEACHMENT SCANDAL

 "RAY THE DUST" IN IMPEACHMENT SCANDAL

Failed ex refuse collector and karaoke singer, Ray the Dust, has outraged residents of the care home he resides in by refusing to abide by the string residential rules regarding social hygiene and silence. 

As a result, he has been Impeached by the management committee and charged with inciting riotous behaviour, and engaging in ungentlemanly conduct at the secluded and fastidious residence. He has been aided and abetted in his uncouth behaviour by his minuscule recalcitrant and malformed side kicks, Pepe Le Puke and Little Les. 

Pepe Le Puke of course has a long record of indiscretions regarding uncleanliness, and it is an undisputed matter of fact, widely documented in scientific papers, that it was he who initially brought an unsavory strain of e-coli in to the nation, via a liberally soiled pair of underpants on his return from a riotous and flirtatious vacation in Espania. 

 The Dust and Little legs were also on this contagious trip of debauchery and self flagellation, but although charged with intention and incitement, were never proven to have also brought the deadly contagion with them in to this country.

Although the trio have refused to attend a special tribunal set up by the Impeachment and Seditious behavior sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the committee will sit on the next full moon and will debate on what charges should be brought before the Court of  Honour and Unconstitutional behaviour. 

The court will be chaired by Dave Duck with assistance from Dave the Teach and Barry the Gravedigger.  

Updated reports will be published here in due course.  

INSIDE THE MIND OF BLACKROD HAMILTON

 INSIDE THE MIND OF BLACKROD HAMILTON 

Blackrod Hamilton was now an out of work missionary, living on fag ends, hand outs and hand jobs. 

Born in to an occasionally prosperous mercantile family at the turn of the century, his youthful years were an tumultuous affair due to leprosy and the rampant infidelity of Agatha, his bilingual and asexual mother. 

 She dreamed of dancing the fandango, but alas, this was never achieved.

She had met her husband Ferdinand at the Turdoxian State circus, when they were both part of the same troupe of silent naked ventriloquists.  It was at this time that she originally conceived the concept that regular and strenuous self flagellation was the most necessary of evils. She also considered that the sale of any service was also the most prosperous way to eliminate hunger and provide subsistence for her mongrel family. 

His father was an hermaphrodite midget with a tendency to explode with rage, especially when his flirtatious wife exploited his willingness to let her work at the local penitentiary. She schooled the unfortunate but murderous clientele in Turdoxian reflexology, an ancient art that she had learnt on the knee of her bohemian uncle as a small child.  His constant rhythmic rubbing had shaken her, and left a mark that she had taken with her on her complex journey in to womanhood.

Not long after taking up her position at the jail, she contracted syphilis from an inmate with a penchant for cross dressing and flagellation. However, she was allowed to continue wok provided she provided additional extra curriculum services to the prison governor. This arrangement was acceptable to both and she soon became pregnant with his child,  Otzi, who was fostered after birth to a prosperous family of Mormon gold prospectors in Utah, who provided a considerable amount of gold bullion to Agatha in payment for the child.    

Blackrod had considered his childhood an exciting time as he pondered on his current pitiful position at the but hole of society. He had outgrown his father by the time he was seven, and regularly beat him to a pulp if he did not receive his gruel in a satisfactory manor. His mother was otherwise engaged in her affairs at the penitentiary, although she did pass a smattering of Turdoxian reflexology on to her sponge brained offspring. He soon mastered this art, and became a black belt purveyor of rhythmic and sympathetic action to the underbelly of society. 

To be continued...........