FRACKING HELL! - DRIVER CHARD IN D.F.C.S. OIL AND GAS BID
In an audacious act of cunning and subterfuge, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif has obtained a license for hydraulic fracturing beneath the Duck in the Pond.
The license has been granted in the name of The Duck Flat Cap Society and permits drilling for a six month test period, with an option to extend the licenses remit for a further ten year period on expiry.
Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif, acting president and chairman of the D.F.C.S., claims that as a callow fourteen year old youth he was involved with the first experimental use of hydraulic fracturing in 1947, and the first commercially successful application in 1949.
His link with the original operation being his ability to effect the perfect "Western Roll", thus enabling him to twist, turn,vault and weave around,the various pipes and hoses that were pumping fluid in to the ground under immense pressure. If a seal was to blow or a coupling fail, Driver Chard was able to leap majestically away from any steaming fluid or gas released from the breakage.
At a full meeting of the "Hydraulic fracking,Western Roll and imbibing" subcommittee, Driver Chard was questioned by northern agitator, "Dave the Teach" as to where the funds were obtained to purchase the license. Driver Chard replied exclaiming that no funds had yet changed hand, but that he had obtained finance from a "Pay Day" loan company named "wesqueezeyourballstotheyburst.com", at a reasonable rate of 2,500,00% APR.
After a swift glance around the table the members of the sub committee quickly nodded their acceptance to this deal, after being formally seconded by "Barry the Green Keeper", who previously worked for the loan company knocking on doors,collecting regular repayments and bad debts, often assisted by a baseball bat.
Driver Chard then became extremely agitated when asked by Ray the Dust if a geological survey had been conducted so as to confirm whether reserves of oil and gas were located in the bedrock beneath the Duck in the Pond. The Dust continued to retort that an earlier survey conducted on behalf of the "coal, shale and Lapis Lazuli" subcommittee, headed by Pepe le Puke, indicated that no shale or coal deposits were located withing fifty miles of the proposes drill site.
As Ray the Dust finished his statement Driver Chard leaped from his seat, and advanced toward the overweight failed karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative. Struggling for breath, the slow thinking Ray the Dust struggled to move from his seated position and desperately supped from his pint of Becks.
Glancing across the table to "Basher Hurley", sexologist and former military adviser to the society, he noted that due to ill health the "black ops" operative was not going to be of assistance in averting the thrusting attack of Driver Chard.
Placing both hands around the Dusts neck the acting chairman and president turned a dark purple colour as he attempted to throttle his portly compatriot.
Struggling to get both hands around the size 30 neck of the aging and bloated Dust, his grip slipped and his hands fell to his side.
Seething with rage he grabbed his furled umbrella from the table and stamped the pointed end down on to the gout infested toe of Ray the Dust.
The Dust, assisted by his diminutive and mentally retarded fellow dust cart operative Pepe le Puke, retaliated by grabbing Driver Chard's black and white braces and releasing them with a thud as they twanged back on to the heaving chest of the gasping Driver Chard.
With this the septuagenarian chairman fell to his knees,simultaneously pulling his checked shirt from his torso revealing a shameful replica Fulham F.C shirt, and throwing his head back attempted ritual Harri Kari using his umbrella as a replacement for a ceremonial sword.
With this action, "Meerkat Mal" threw himself at the makeshift blade, managing to deflect the trajectory sufficiently for the rusted point to pierce the faded replica football shirt but miss the flesh of Driver Chard.
Meerkat Mal completed his maneuver by grabbing the old timer by his arms and pulling him from his kneeling position and placing him on to the adjacent seat.
After all the commotion, Driver Chard was supplied with three pints of John Smiths Bitter and a large whiskey by the landlord, and asked to retake his seat at the subcommittee table. When all and sundry were back at the table a further vote was taken as to the societies confidence in Driver Chard continuing his joint role as acting chairman and president.
The emotive motion was put forward by "Dave the Duck" and seconded by committee newcomer " Big Lol" who was unsure of driver Chard's intentions and feeling towards him.
The vote was a resounding defeat for "Big Lol" and "Dave the Duck", with a 12 - 2 split in favour of the septuagenarian Driver Chard, with two voters abstaining, believed to be Ray the Dust and Pepe le Puke.
Test drilling is to commence shortly as soon as the first installment of the advance from wesqueezeyourballstotheyburst.com is made available and sufficient surety is pledged as security for the advance.
Further details will posted in due course.
R.I.P JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020
In an audacious act of cunning and subterfuge, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif has obtained a license for hydraulic fracturing beneath the Duck in the Pond.
The license has been granted in the name of The Duck Flat Cap Society and permits drilling for a six month test period, with an option to extend the licenses remit for a further ten year period on expiry.
Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif, acting president and chairman of the D.F.C.S., claims that as a callow fourteen year old youth he was involved with the first experimental use of hydraulic fracturing in 1947, and the first commercially successful application in 1949.
 |
| Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff |
His link with the original operation being his ability to effect the perfect "Western Roll", thus enabling him to twist, turn,vault and weave around,the various pipes and hoses that were pumping fluid in to the ground under immense pressure. If a seal was to blow or a coupling fail, Driver Chard was able to leap majestically away from any steaming fluid or gas released from the breakage.
 |
| Western Roll |
After a swift glance around the table the members of the sub committee quickly nodded their acceptance to this deal, after being formally seconded by "Barry the Green Keeper", who previously worked for the loan company knocking on doors,collecting regular repayments and bad debts, often assisted by a baseball bat.
Driver Chard then became extremely agitated when asked by Ray the Dust if a geological survey had been conducted so as to confirm whether reserves of oil and gas were located in the bedrock beneath the Duck in the Pond. The Dust continued to retort that an earlier survey conducted on behalf of the "coal, shale and Lapis Lazuli" subcommittee, headed by Pepe le Puke, indicated that no shale or coal deposits were located withing fifty miles of the proposes drill site.
 |
| Ray the Dust and Basher Hurley |
As Ray the Dust finished his statement Driver Chard leaped from his seat, and advanced toward the overweight failed karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative. Struggling for breath, the slow thinking Ray the Dust struggled to move from his seated position and desperately supped from his pint of Becks.
Glancing across the table to "Basher Hurley", sexologist and former military adviser to the society, he noted that due to ill health the "black ops" operative was not going to be of assistance in averting the thrusting attack of Driver Chard.
Placing both hands around the Dusts neck the acting chairman and president turned a dark purple colour as he attempted to throttle his portly compatriot.
Struggling to get both hands around the size 30 neck of the aging and bloated Dust, his grip slipped and his hands fell to his side.
Seething with rage he grabbed his furled umbrella from the table and stamped the pointed end down on to the gout infested toe of Ray the Dust.
 |
| Pepe le Puke and Ray the Dust |
The Dust, assisted by his diminutive and mentally retarded fellow dust cart operative Pepe le Puke, retaliated by grabbing Driver Chard's black and white braces and releasing them with a thud as they twanged back on to the heaving chest of the gasping Driver Chard.
With this the septuagenarian chairman fell to his knees,simultaneously pulling his checked shirt from his torso revealing a shameful replica Fulham F.C shirt, and throwing his head back attempted ritual Harri Kari using his umbrella as a replacement for a ceremonial sword.
 |
| Meerkat Mal |
With this action, "Meerkat Mal" threw himself at the makeshift blade, managing to deflect the trajectory sufficiently for the rusted point to pierce the faded replica football shirt but miss the flesh of Driver Chard.
Meerkat Mal completed his maneuver by grabbing the old timer by his arms and pulling him from his kneeling position and placing him on to the adjacent seat.
After all the commotion, Driver Chard was supplied with three pints of John Smiths Bitter and a large whiskey by the landlord, and asked to retake his seat at the subcommittee table. When all and sundry were back at the table a further vote was taken as to the societies confidence in Driver Chard continuing his joint role as acting chairman and president.
The emotive motion was put forward by "Dave the Duck" and seconded by committee newcomer " Big Lol" who was unsure of driver Chard's intentions and feeling towards him.
 |
| Big Lol |
The vote was a resounding defeat for "Big Lol" and "Dave the Duck", with a 12 - 2 split in favour of the septuagenarian Driver Chard, with two voters abstaining, believed to be Ray the Dust and Pepe le Puke.
Test drilling is to commence shortly as soon as the first installment of the advance from wesqueezeyourballstotheyburst.com is made available and sufficient surety is pledged as security for the advance.
Further details will posted in due course.
R.I.P JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020
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