The Author

The Author

Sunday, 6 October 2013

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT 2013

THE EINSTEIN INCIDENT 2013

Kram Toille was tired.

He had arisen early that morning to go fishing and had travelled a long way for that enjoyable experience.The modern car made the journey relatively simple, although the traffic was at times frustrating.

Returning in the evening, and on reaching his comfy suburban home, he had quickly bathed and after checking his E Mails, watching television with his partner and eating his dinner, had fallen asleep in the armchair.

He awoke with a start at approximately 4.30am in the morning, the room was dark and strangely unfamiliar. A strange mouldy smell enveloped his nostrils and he strained to view the dark room ahead of him. Both hands pushed down on the arms of the chair so as to propel his body on to his tired legs.

Immediately he noticed that the arms of the chair were unusually cold and hard, rather than the expected cushioned warmth of the modern upholstering.
Startled, he ran his hands back across the arms only to be shocked that they were fashioned from cold, hard wood!.

His eyes started to adjust to the lack of light and he was drawn towards a flickering image to the end of the room.
Unsure if he was dreaming, he stumbled towards the light source and quickly noticed that it was the remains of a candle that had just about extinguished its supply of wax, and was about to go out.

Kram Toille frantically searched for the rooms walls and electric light switch, so that he could reveal the contents of the room.
However this was to no avail, and after stumbling about running his sweaty hands along the walls, he reached a rough curtain that he hoped covered a small window or opening in the wall.  
  
He pulled the curtain aside to reveal a truly unbelievable vista.
In the far distance the sun was starting to rise against horizon of gently rolling hill covered in deciduous forest.
    
He closed his eyes and blinked. 
What was going on !!!!

Kram Toille was born in 1959 and lived in a 1930's semi detached house, on a suburban road in “Betjeman’s” celebrated metro land.
The nearest countryside was a couple of miles away, but there in front of him was a truly rural landscape.

In the near distance was an old thatched cottage with a cottage garden surrounding the building. Next to this property were a farm house and an old barn, with its doors open revealing bundles of hay strewn about the building.
Other rural buildings were dotted about the scenery, although the majority of Krams view was that of idyllic countryside.
  
Kram rubbed his eyes and turned round to view the room with the benefit of the sunlight starting to enter the premises through the small windows. He was staggered to view the contents of the room which reminded him of a vintage Victorian photograph published in a historical magazine.

The floors of the room were wooden with a small rug in front of the open fireplace. A small wooden chair was at angle beside the hearth, and the chair that Kram had earlier risen from was on the opposite side of the fire.
The walls were covered in simple hessian wallpaper, and a sepia photograph of Queen Victoria, and her extended family hung above the fire place. 

Pushed up against the wall were a small wooden table and two simple stools. The table was uncovered, apart from a small Bible which had a leather book mark wedged in to its pages.
On the floor next to the table was small copper coin and Kram stretched down to pick it up. Having recovered the coin he quickly noticed that it was a gleaming new Victorian penny, with a portrait of Queen Victoria on the reverse and the date 1870 stamped on the base.

Kram stared at the coin and was amazed at its quality. He had collected coins as a child and had indeed owned many old Victorian pennies. However, he had never seen one in such fine condition. He quickly placed the coin in his pocket and continued to scan the room.
Kram’s head was spinning as he quickly motioned towards the door so as if to escape from this hopefully imagined nightmare. As he passed through the opening he slipped and fell hard, smashing his head against the cold wooden flooring in the hallway.

All was quite as Kram lay there, his breath easing to a gentle intake of musty damp air, and his eyes tightly shut.

Kram awoke some three hours later with thumping headache, and the thought of his Victorian odyssey flooding through his terrified brain.
He slowly opened his eyes expecting to see the floor and walls of the dingy building that he had slipped and fell in some hours earlier, but was amazed to see familiar furnishings in his own hallway. He quickly rose from the ground and opened the front door.

His head thrust through the open portal and he was greeted with the familiar view of his normal suburban surroundings, the cars parked in the street, the post box at the end of the road, and his neighbour’s cat strolling across his front garden. 

Completely bamboozled, Kram moved to his kitchen, switched the electric kettle on and sat on a wooden stool. He strained his memory trying to remember the events that had earlier befallen him, and he soon dismissed the complete episode as a strange, but very vivid dream. 

As he sat on the stool his nose began to run and he placed his hand in to his trouser pocket to retrieve a tissue. His hand entered his pocket and immediately touched a cold small object.



His hands quickly retrieved the object and Kram shivered in disbelief as he held a brand new, mint condition 1870 Victorian penny in his hand. 


To be continued...….

Thursday, 3 October 2013

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CLAIM ROCKS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

KENNEDY ASSASSINATION CLAIM ROCKS THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY



Klaus Von Jhugffieler of "The Martin Bormann school of Mastication and spoon bending" has astounded the Duck Flat Cap Society by claiming that he has documentary evidence that implicates Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif in the assassination of President Kennedy.

The documents allegedly confirm that on November 22nd 1963 Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, was located at the book depository on the corner at Dealey Plaza.

The documents had allegedly been hidden within a large volume of witness statements and unpublished photographs held by the former KGB and stored within the Kremlin archives in Moscow. The documents were originally collected by undercover soviet agents who were present at the time of the assassination posing as traffic police, tourists and caretakers at the book depository.


The alleged statements contained within the faded documentation, talk of a short stout  man, aged approximately 30 and prematurely greying, acting strangely at the side entrance to the depository and appearing to take notes with a stubby HB pencil in a shiny new Woolworth's herald square notebook. 

Further more, he spoke with an English accent, and smoked British branded unfiltered cigarettes, whilst whistling God save the Queen.


The man was dressed in baggy flannel trousers and a loose fitting checked sports jacket, that reportedly had the stock of a semi automatic rifle sticking out of it.  


The jacket was specifically remembered by Howard Howie Hughes Junior the 3rd, who described the breast pocket being emblazoned with the name "Chard" and the initial "F.F.C" being the initials of Fulham Football Club, Driver Chard's beloved English soccer team. 

The witness continues that after striking up a conversation with the  English gent , they began to discuss the grassy knoll across the road from their position and the little fence that ran across the area adjacent to and behind the greenery. 

The discussion quickly moved to Golf, with the Englishman trying to guess the distance from the road to the fence by the grassy knoll, as if assessing a nine iron chip on to the green.  After a couple of minutes they agreed on a distance and the information was quickly scribbled in to the note book. 

A further witness,named in the documents as Leroy Fur-burger Senior, states that the very same gentleman placed his trilby upon his thick head of hair and crossed the road before settling on the grassy knoll to eat a marmite sandwich.

 He then remembers that with some amazing agility, the man vaulted over the picket fence using the "Western Roll" and stood with his head peering back over the fence towards the road and book depository.

 He could reveal no more as he was asked to move by a state trooper as the presidents cavalcade was approaching.  However, as history sadly reveals, within minutes the President of the USA was dead and the mystery of those who shot him had started.  

At a recent meeting of the "Assassination and Procrastinating" subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the evidence of Driver Chard's implication in the greatest and most debated and mysterious murder of the 20th century were put to him by Dave the Teach and Dave the Duck.

Upon hearing the accusations, Driver Chard revealed that indeed he was at Dealy Plaza at the time if the assassination, but that he couldn't remember if he was involved in the plot due to a recent bout of gout, originally contracted from a camel in the Egyptian desert during National Service with the British Armed Forces, and continued biliousness brought on by repeated quaffing of best British bitter and the consumption of  three hundred pounds of out of date potato snacks. 

After considerable debate, it was agreed to "pay off" Klaus Von Jhugffieler of "The Martin Bormann school of Mastication and spoon bending" with a Duck Flat Cap Society pension and destroy the evidence recently unearthed in the Kremlin's archives.

In this respect, any attempt to use this article as evidence against the societies revered acting President and Chairman will prove pointless, as all the evidence has been consumed by Ray the Dust and Pepe Le Puke, who are bulking up for this years world "Sumo wrestling" championships. 

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020 









Friday, 6 September 2013

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY RAY!"

"WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BABY RAY!"


Sixty five years ago a large plump baby entered this world crying his beady eyes out and screaming at the maximum volume his infantile lungs would allow.


 It has been alleged by those who wish to remain nameless, that street lighting in the area of his birth failed at the precise moment he  drew his first breath, and that clocks stopped and began to go backwards for thirteen minutes after the birth. 

Indeed, recent research in to the archives of the Croydon and south Surrey Gazette, detail a string of strange events occurring throughout the area of his birth, continuing over a period of thirteen consecutive days. These events culminating withe the destruction by fire, of a brewery located thirteen miles from his birth place, and the death of twelve fireman fighting the blaze with the addition of a further night watchman discovered whilst clearing the rubble from the destroyed building.. 

"Ray the Dust" had entered the world............


RAY THE DUST
The former pub singer, failed Karaoke singer  and  part time Dust cart operative, “Ray the Dust” has previously shocked the Duck Flat Cap Society (D.F.C.S) by revealing previously unknown alleged links to the notorious "Kray Brothers" crime syndicate.

The ageing, overweight somnambulist Lothario, has finally released documentary evidence that links him to a previously unknown crime ring, allegedly headed by the Krays, operating in Croydon and Brighton.

"Ray the Dust" was a key operative in an operation that procured danger money from a string of Wimpy bars, hairdressers and amusement arcades located across southern England.

Furthermore, in an outrageous cannibalistic attack on an old aged pensioner, "Ray the Dust" recently sank his putrid teeth in to the hind quarters of "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff" in full view of the clientele of the North West London public house.  

The former pub singer and delusional ladies man, Ray the Dust, also outraged fellow Duck Flat Cap Society members last year, by revealing his affinity with Beelzebub, otherwise known as the prince of darkness, the fallen angel, or the Devil.

The ageing somnambulist and part time garbage operative, has also been outspoken in his belief that British society is suffering from "following the path of righteousness", and that he believes the only way out of the world's current mess is to "follow the dark path of Diablo, the prince of darkness". 

He has also taken to wearing his Man United football shirt on a regular basis and constantly strokes the red devil emblem stitched to the red jersey. His hand movements are troublesome to those in his presence, as he also continues to rub his head and pat his rotund stomach between stroking the demonic emblem.

This behaviour was thought to be just a further nervous tick that the overweight failed karaoke singer and compulsive gambler had picked up is constant and regular visits to the Costa Del crime and Croydon, although the general consensuses is that his deranged state  is due to his life long link to the supernatural . 

The above finally being eclipsed by Professor Buffenschmite of the Charlottenburg and  Potsdam Institute of the Criminally insane, having been commissioned by the Procrastination and Imbibing  subcommittee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, diagnosing Ray the Dust as clinically insane.

After many months of study,Professor Buffenschmite has ruled that the Dust has severe “Mad Albert Disease” coupled with high level “Humanoid Spongiform Encephalopathy”.

In view of the above, Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has expediently suspended the membership of Ray the Dust and all those known to be closely associated with him, including Micky "Good  boy" Ince and Pepe Le Puke. 

Further updates regarding full expulsion from the society will be published in due course.  

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020





 







Tuesday, 27 August 2013

THE WAR OF CHARD'S EAR

THE WAR OF CHARD'S EAR


Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society (D.F.C.S), has sensationally declared war on Spain over the present dispute with Gibraltar.

Driver Chard sites provocation going back to the War of Jenkins ear and the subsequent War of the Austrian succession. Driver Chard claiming direct ancestry on his mothers side to Captain Jenkins, whose severed ear gave rise to the name of the war bearing his name.

Driver Chard further claims that on his last trip to the Iberian peninsular an over enthusiastic passport officer at the port of Malaga, tried to severe his ear after an altercation concerning an illegal package of snuff, a whip made from a camels tail, and an old copy of the Spectator ridiculing General Franco.

After protracted discussions, and in his duel role as the acting joint chief of staff, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, has allegedly authorised the departure of a military naval and airborne task force to convey a detachment of D.F.C.S and BLOG volunteers to the Mediterranean outpost of British colonial rule.

The joint task force will again be receiving support from various affiliates, including the “Ecky Thump Brigade” based in north western England. This affiliate continues to be headed by the strong minded ex Teacher. “Dave the Teach”, and will be supporting the joint task force by sending a number of war hardened ex military hard-men, trained by his compatriot sexologist and triple heart bypass survivor, Basher “Rasta man” Hurley.

A recently intercepted dispatch from GCHQ allegedly stipulates that the joint military venture has been sanctioned by the British Government, the UN and NATO. This is yet to have been verified by an official release, although unconfirmed additional intercepted ciphers from the State intelligence services of numerous former Cold War enemy’s of the west, allegedly confirm the legitimacy of the reports. 

At the North London base of the joint command, Driver Chard has additionally assumed the rank's of Admiral and Field Marshall, and has donned the appropriate uniform at recent meetings, which he has adorned with medals from his previous military service in Egypt, Wealdstone and North Africa.

He will off course continue to wear his Fulham FC shirt, shorts and socks and suspenders under his uniform, and place a whistle between his cracked lips in case of an infringement during the committee meeting.

 However, he has denied access to military uniforms for the remainder of the high command as he feels that this will undermine his authority. He will however, allow the wearing of standard issue flat caps and if requested a fully functional Deerstalker will be tolerated.
Pork pie hats together with any form of Russian or eastern European winter gear will not be allowed at any cost, together with any form of sombrero.

This is to be challenged at an eminent meeting of the full Duck Flat Cap and BLOG military invasion and occupation sub committee, which is to be attended by all personnel. In this respect, Basher Hurley has informed the high command that he is to seek special privileges and wear the uniform of the SAS in view of his previous brief spell as a latrine cleaner when sharing accommodation in Naples, Italy.

It is of a more disturbing note that as with the previous expedition to the Falkland Islands, Pepe le Puke and Ray the Dust have informed various cohorts that they are to seek permission to wear the uniform of the Nazi Waffen SS, as they are drawn to the high decorative detail of the epaulets and cuffs, and are divinely in love with the dagger and death head motifs.       

In addition to the D.F.C.S faction within the alliance, The Bohemian League of Gentleman have also been debating how best to support the action from their home base in Metroland.
 Unlike the D.F.C.S, there has been no problem with a uniform for the BLOG defence Corp, as they were unanimous in agreeing to re use the orange and purple fatigues, utility belt and thigh high rubber Doctor Martins used in the earlier campaign to relieve the Falklands.. As before, in addition an 18 inch rubber truncheon is worn down the front of the trousers at all times. 

The groups special representative for political and metaphysical affairs, "Lord Louis Loafington Smythe – Barron", has been in the forefront with regards to home security, and has arranged for a fully mechanised Camel division to be on standby at all times.

 This magnificent effort has been supported by the "Mossenelle" who in his capacity as an ex East German spy has been in the forefront in arranging the deciphering of the encrypted messages detailed earlier in this report.
Indeed together with Boozy Creed, the Italian Stallion, Chairman Get Karter and the Big Marty Blainster, the Mosenelle has formed a deep relationship with the intelligence unit attached to the D.F.C.S, and previous work on the Big Bobbidy Bob affair and the earlier joint D.F.C.S and Bohemian advance to relieve the Falkland Islands, has meant that deciphering the codes has been an easy task.
 
Indeed, it is believed that the listening station based in Benidorm has already been in receipt of deciphered codes intercepted back in Metroland and the Duck.

As previously during the joint action to save the Falkland Islands,the diminutive Sapper Cox has been excused from this task, as he has been acting a batman and personal aide to Winny WWB Brownoski. 

Brownoski has himself been tasked with creating a spectacular and magnificent marching rhythm for the group to accompany a swift advance through occupied Spanish territory if the Special Forces are required to go behind enemy lines.

 As tension rises, a decision on a strike date is required and a full meeting of the joint heads of staff and their full military command  will be held shortly, after which a full report will be posted here.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020






 

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

THE ACCIDENTAL TAXIDERMIST

THE ACCIDENTAL TAXIDERMIST


Seth Brown sat at his usual seat in his local pub thinking about the days events.

 Drinking a pint of warm bitter and nibbling on a packet of stale potato crisps, he sighed as he pulled his crumpled note book from his jacket pocket and folded the cover back to reveal a multitude of his wild scribblings.

Only hours earlier, Seth Brown had been standing in the middle of Ma Baker's lower field holding the largest human skull he had ever seen. The white cranium was detached from the rest of the skeleton, and had been uncovered a number of inches below the clinging top soil.


Astonished by his find, he placed his Truffle trowel in to his spacious jacket pocket and knelt on the ground beside the decapitated cranial structure. His pet dog, Pepe, wagged his tale as he pawed at his masters arms, twisting his pink tongue about his snout whilst whimpering for a reward. Seth reached in to his trouser pocket and retrieving a packet of peppermints held his hand out so that Pepe could snaffle up his reward.

The mandible was no longer attached but had laid undisturbed next the the blanched cranium, its muscles and tendons that previously attached the projecting jaw to the rest of the skull long disintegrated. However next to the dismembered bones was a small red wallet that contained little other than a telephone number and an old black and white photograph of a man completing the Western Roll over a high jump hurdle.

Placing the Skull and Mandible in to a plastic bag, Seth returned to his old land-rover and after coaxing Pepe to jump in to the back with another peppermint, drove the short distance to his cottage in the village. After brewing a cup of Yorkshire Tea, Seth placed the white bones on his kitchen table and retrieving the telephone number discovered in the old red wallet, telephoned the number on his old land line- Arnold 3347. 

The phone rang for a number rings and was then answered by a woman exclaiming that the caller had reached the residence of Archibald Galbraith, "Taxidermist to the landed gentry". The caller went on to describe the various services that the Taxidermists offered, and listed a comprehensive list of prices associated with the stuffing and otherwise preserving of  dead creatures, ending with a complex series of  costs for the preservation and presentation by mounting, of a member of the human race.

Seth took his note pad from his jacket pocket and laboriously scribbled down the various price structures dictated by the representative of Archibald Galbraith, "Taxidermist to the landed gentry". The prices were all astronomical and well out of reach of the retired truffle collector, and wiping his brow with an old purple and orange cravat, returned the phone to the receiver, and pushed his glasses up on to his forehead..

Seth then remembered that as well as the telephone number, there was also an old photograph to inspect. Grabbing the soiled wallet he stared at the faded photograph and turned the photo over to inspect its reverse. There, to his surprise, was an inscription in small block capitals that read,



 "To the finder of this photograph and my deceased body -  It has always been my intention for my remains to be preserved and displayed in my local hostelry so that the members of my society may include me in their discussions when debating society business. Please ensure my wishes are enacted or the curse of Little Legs Parks and Mad Albert disease will descend upon you and your decedents. Yours faithfully, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff".

Seth, now wondered what he could do as he had little money but did not wish to upset the spirits and enable the wrath of Driver Chard to descend upon his lonely but comfy life.  At that moment he remembered an old chemistry set that was located in his cellar, and that he was in the habit of retaining large quantities of formaldehyde in case he was suddenly called upon to embalm road kill or pets.

  The chemicals, together with a couple of marbles and a large wedge of modelling clay, enabled Seth to quickly embellish the skull and mandible to such an extent that a myopic one eyed drunk may consider the likeness to be that of the high jumper in the old black and white photograph. To finish the job, and old fish tank was conveniently just the correct size to take the reconstructed head within its scratched and opaque plastic walls.

With the wonder of taxidermy complete, Seth drove the short distance to the Duck in the Pond, and after a short discussion with the landlord, placed the reconstructed head of Driver Chard upon the wall of the pub, conveniently adjacent to the Duck Flat Cap Societies debating table.

Seth took another sip from his warm pint of bitter and closed his faded note book thinking "Job Done" and with a smile across his face tilted his face towards the Head of Chard and collapsed stone dead from a heart attack, as the dismembered mock piece of taxidermy winked back at him and flipped over within the confines of his plastic container!


RIP John Chard.























Monday, 12 August 2013

THE TREATY OF WESTPHALIA (1648) REPUDIATED BY DRIVER CHARD OF EL HADJ DUIFF

THE TREATY OF WESTPHALIA (1648) REPUDIATED BY DRIVER CHARD OF EL HADJ DUIFF

In an astonishing statement Driver Chard, acting president and chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, has repudiated and rejected the "Peace of Westphalia" as described and agreed by the various agreements designated under the title -  "The Treaty of Westphalia".

The Treaty / Peace of Westphalia was a series of peace treaties signed between May and October 1648 in Osnabruck and Munster. These treaties ended the Thirty Years War (1618–1648) in the Holy Roman Empire, The Bohemian War of Turdoxian and Glumpug resistance (1620-1648) in Croxley Green and Greater Moravia, and the Eighty Years War (1568–1648) between Spain and the Dutch Republic, with Spain formally recognising the independence of the Dutch Republic.

Driver Chard wishes the map of Europe to be rearranged so that Germany disintegrates in to a thousand city states, Bishoprics and Duchies, Switzerland returns to the re configured Holy Roman Empire,( to be renamed the Holy Chard Empire after the relevant plebiscite), and The Netherlands, including Belgium, returned to Spanish sovereignty.

Driver Chard's reasoning being that it would be much easier to travel to Spain for a sun drenched holiday if you only had to travel across the channel to Amsterdam or Brussels, and that a combined Switzerland and Austria would offer far greater savings on lift passes in ski resorts during a winter break.

He also claims to be a direct descendant of Charlemagne,via his Lotharingian lineage,and a distant relative of the Hapsburg's, thus his claim to the throne of the Holy Roman / Chard Empire.    

 Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff is to demand that the United Nations pass a resolution ratifying his dream, and as such, the septuagenarian silver fox is to travel to the United Nations building in New York this weekend, and will attend a specially convened emergency meeting of the Security Council, having gained admittance as a delegate of the esteemed Duck Flat Cap Society.

Further details will be published in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020






   

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

FRACKING HELL! - DRIVER CHARD IN D.F.C.S. OIL AND GAS BID

FRACKING HELL! - DRIVER CHARD IN D.F.C.S. OIL AND GAS BID


In an audacious act of cunning and subterfuge, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif has obtained a license for hydraulic fracturing beneath the Duck in the Pond.

The license has been granted in the name of The Duck Flat Cap Society and permits drilling for a six month test period, with an option to extend the licenses remit for a further ten year period on expiry. 

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duif, acting president and chairman of the D.F.C.S., claims that as a callow fourteen year old youth he was involved with the first experimental use of hydraulic fracturing in 1947, and the first commercially successful application in 1949.
Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff

His link with the original operation being his ability to effect the perfect "Western Roll", thus enabling him to twist, turn,vault and weave around,the various pipes and hoses that were pumping fluid in to the ground under immense pressure. If a seal was to blow or a coupling fail, Driver Chard was able to leap majestically away from any steaming fluid or gas released from the breakage.

 
Western Roll
At a full meeting of the "Hydraulic fracking,Western Roll and imbibing" subcommittee, Driver Chard was questioned by northern agitator, "Dave the Teach" as to where the funds were obtained to purchase the license.  Driver Chard replied exclaiming that no funds had yet changed hand, but that he had obtained finance from a "Pay Day" loan company  named "wesqueezeyourballstotheyburst.com", at a reasonable rate of 2,500,00% APR.

 After a swift glance around the table the members of the sub committee quickly nodded their acceptance to this deal, after being formally seconded by "Barry the Green Keeper", who previously worked for the loan  company knocking on doors,collecting regular repayments and bad  debts, often assisted by a baseball bat.

Driver Chard then became extremely agitated when asked by Ray the Dust if a geological survey had been conducted so as to confirm whether reserves of oil and gas were located in the bedrock beneath the Duck in the Pond. The Dust continued to retort that an earlier survey conducted on behalf of the "coal, shale and Lapis Lazuli" subcommittee, headed by Pepe le Puke, indicated that no shale or coal deposits were located withing fifty miles of the proposes drill site.
Ray the Dust and Basher Hurley



 
As Ray the Dust finished his statement Driver Chard leaped from his seat, and advanced toward the overweight failed karaoke singer and part time dust cart operative. Struggling for breath, the slow thinking Ray the Dust struggled to move from his seated position and desperately supped from his pint of Becks.

 Glancing across the table to "Basher Hurley", sexologist and former military adviser to the society, he noted that due to ill health the "black ops" operative was not going to be of assistance in averting the thrusting attack of Driver Chard. 

Placing both hands around the Dusts neck the acting chairman and president turned a dark purple colour as he attempted to throttle his portly compatriot.
Struggling to get both hands around the size 30 neck of the aging and bloated Dust, his grip slipped and his hands fell to his side.

Seething with rage he grabbed his furled umbrella from the table and stamped the pointed end down on to the gout infested toe of Ray the Dust.
Pepe le Puke and Ray the Dust



The Dust, assisted by his diminutive and mentally retarded fellow dust cart operative Pepe le Puke, retaliated by grabbing Driver Chard's black and white braces and releasing them with a thud as they twanged back on to the heaving chest of the gasping Driver Chard.

With this the septuagenarian chairman fell to his knees,simultaneously pulling his checked shirt from his torso revealing a shameful replica Fulham F.C shirt, and throwing his head back attempted ritual Harri Kari using his umbrella as a replacement for a ceremonial sword. 


Meerkat Mal


With this action, "Meerkat Mal" threw himself at the makeshift blade, managing to deflect the trajectory sufficiently for the rusted point to pierce the faded replica football shirt but miss the flesh of Driver Chard.
Meerkat Mal completed his maneuver by grabbing the old timer by his arms and pulling him from his kneeling position and placing him on to the adjacent seat.

After all the commotion, Driver Chard was supplied with three pints of John Smiths Bitter and a large whiskey by the landlord, and asked to retake his seat at the subcommittee table. When all and sundry were back at the table a further vote was taken as to the societies confidence in Driver Chard continuing his joint role as acting chairman and president.

The emotive  motion was put forward by "Dave the Duck" and seconded by committee newcomer " Big Lol" who was unsure of driver Chard's intentions and feeling towards him. 


Big Lol


The vote was a resounding defeat for "Big Lol" and "Dave the Duck", with a 12 - 2 split in favour of the septuagenarian Driver Chard, with two voters abstaining, believed to be Ray the Dust and Pepe le Puke.

Test drilling is to commence shortly as soon as the first installment of the advance from wesqueezeyourballstotheyburst.com is made available and sufficient surety is pledged as security for the advance.


Further details will posted in due course.  

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020