THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN BUDGET CRISIS

THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY IN BUDGET CRISIS

The Duck Flat Cap Society “Finance and Monetary” sub- Committee has been in heated debate over the last weekend regarding recent proposals to increase the "Procrastination and Imbibing" Budget by 11%.

The sub-committee has been split in to two factions, broadly based on a north south divide.

 The northern faction is headed by the former leader of the “Ekee Thump Brigade”, “Dave the Teach” and assisted by his Lancastrian compatriot and ex military sex therapist “Basher Hurley”.

The southern faction is headed by acting chairman and president “Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff”, who is assisted in his deliberations by “Chelsea Dave the Duck” and Barry “Bazza" McGovern, whose links with the criminal underworld have brought a sense of foreboding to the proceedings.

The source of the current deadlock continues to be Driver Chard's resistance in subsidising the ale houses, whore houses and associated hostelries affiliated to the DFCS, that are located in the northern Lancastrian fiefdoms beloved by Basher Hurley and Dave the Teach.

Driver Chard has enraged the northern members by strongly contesting that their proximity to Ireland and distance from London and the DFCS HQ at the Duck in the Pond, alienates the Lancastrian affiliates from any further subsidies and or rebates due from any surplus provided by the society’s more prosperous southern members and affiliates.

Indeed, Driver Chard and Chelsea Dave the Duck are of the opinion that the current fiscal stipend delivered to the money grabbing northern affiliates should be ruthlessly cut by as much as up to 30%. This is to be followed by a further 10% annual ratcheted decrease to the bursary paid to the northern scum for the following ten fiscal years.

Driver Chard is so enraged by the current state of affairs that he has threatened to take up arms against the northern renegades and as such has recently renewed his membership to the "Harrow and Potsdam duelling and fencing association".  He has also taken to wearing a pair of knuckledusters on each hand, and carries a sword tipped cane when making his way about town.

Finally, he has cancelled his weekly prescription for Viagra as he has taken an oath to revoke all sexual activity so as to save his energies for the struggle ahead. 

The "Finance and Monetary" sub-committee have taken matters further by arranging for the seating at the debating table to be adjusted to ensure that the northern faction are facing their southern opponents, thus ensuring that a concealed stiletto blade or similar weapon can not be easily used during the heated debate.    

After the last lengthy session, the sub-committee have agreed to enlist the overweight and delusional ex karaoke singer, "Ray the Dust", together with his diminutive dust cart operate associate, "Pepe Le Puke", to act as intermediaries when the next debate takes place.

The thinking behind this otherwise strange decision  being that Ray the Dust suffers from a delusion that he is a child of the north due to his love of Manchester United FC, even though his roots are in Croydon, located in the deep south of London. 

The logic being that his schizophrenic frame of mind may be sufficiently warped to enable a satisfactory conclusion to be arranged regarding the monetary affairs of the society.

Further details will be published here in due course.