THE DAY THE DUCK STOOD STILL

THE DAY THE DUCK STOOD STILL

"Stranger than fiction" is  a common saying and is often stated when a strange event occurs.


Recent events at the North West London headquarters of the " Duck Flat Cap Society", the " Duck In the Pond" public house, certainly qualify for this description.
Although not reported in the national press, or the myriad satellite and terrestrial TV news channels, the duck in the pond was at the center of an amazing  occurrence that mirrored the famous american film, "The Day the Earth stood Still".

The evening at the Duck started as usual, when the Golfing Sub Committee of the " Duck Flat Cap Society" gathered for their monthly meeting. Each member was seated at his usual seat, with a pint of his chosen beverage sitting comfortably on a crisp and new beer mat.

The pint of Lager, Bitter or Guinness , placed on a clean and new beer mat, was of great importance to the acting President and Honorary Chairman, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, who believed that without this addition to the table furniture, the Pint of beer would suffer in both taste and content.

This strange behaviour of Chard stemmed from his stint in the Egyptian desert during his national service, and reflected the fact that when imbibing a cold pint of India Pale Ale in the heat of the desert, if a clean base for the beverage was not available , sand would immediately find its way in to the brew, leading to sand collecting in the mouth of the unfortunate swiller.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff fell foul of this foul attack to his taste buds when visiting the tent of a local potentate, with his Staff Sergeant, who was arranging a bribe so that Driver Chard and the Staff Sergeant could borrow the Potentates harem for an evening of Baccarat and backgammon. 

However, returning to the mysterious events at the Duck, as the committee sat debating the recent performance of  the diminutive new golfing member, Les "little legs" Parkes, at the Bushy and Watford open. As the debate became heated due to allegations of attempted manslaughter and culpable homicide, the members became aware of a humming noise emanating from the sky above the pub.

As the unnerving sound became louder, the committee together with the other inhabitants of the premises hurried outside to scan the evening sky.

As they craned there heads towards the heavens, it was noticed by Ex Military hard man "Basher" Hurley, that his chunky chronometer had stopped working. At the same time Driver Chard was tugging at he arm of Barry "Bazzer Duck" pointing towards the road and the stationery traffic. The engines of each of the passing vehicles had stalled, and the drivers and passengers were milling around the static cars and vans in a strange trance like state.

Driver Chard,now dribbling from the corner of his mouth, his chapped lips revelling in the swift salty swipe of his leathery tongue, stumbled towards the pub entrance with his tongue still lolling from his open mouth.
The remainder of the committee followed Driver Chard in to the building and at once were stunned and amazed, to note that the electric lighting was flashing in a rythmic constant pulse and the buzzing gaming machines spun there reels in gay abandon. 

Then, suddenly the spinning reels stopped, the electronic air conditioning ceased, and the beer pumps failed. The clocks on the wall were all stationery and Driver Chard's pace maker was stalled in mid beat.  The kitchen door  flung open as the sweating cook came stumbling from the overheated kitchen, complaining that all the electric machinery in the kitchen had ceased to work. His greasy hand held his head phones above his head, as he struggled with his failed music player to receive his selected musical choice.

RAY THE DUST AND DRIVER CHARD

Each committee member glanced at their wrist watches and noticed that they had failed. Dave "the Teach" pulled his pocket fob watch from his breast pocket, and confirmed that the antique time piece was also not functioning. In a simular manner, all present pulled their mobile phones from their assorted pockets, only to note that the screens were blank and lifeless.

The noise from the still unseen craft above grew louder, and was soon screeching at 150 decibels. The remaining non members of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" were now fleeing from the premises with their hands clutching their ringing rears, as they tried to prevent the perforation of their aching ear drums.

DRIVER CHARD'S PACEMAKER

The Duck Flat Cap Society committee returned to their table and decided to sit out what ever event they were witnessing, with Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, stripping to the waist, to reveal greying army issue singlet and briefs. He than wound his belt around his clenched fist whilst shouting "come on you  fuzzy wussies, reveal your cowardly selves", and shouting "they don't like it up them". Basher Hurley grabbed at the old boy just in time to catch his fall ,as he collapsed in a frenzy of fist shaking, burping and beer swilling. 

Seconds later, it was all over, and all around them the society members noticed electronic machinery and gadgets springing to life. Indeed Driver Chard's Pace Maker whirled in to action , bringing the septuagenarian acting Charman to his senses .

The committee looked at each other and studying their pint pots decided the best way forward was to replenish their beverages and discuss the recent events over their  pints. At first all were silent, but soon the considered opinion was that no one had seen a space craft and the bewildering recent events were probably due to a power surge at the local electric sub station.

This was soon accepted by all, and although shaken but not stirred, all returned home that evening dismissing the evenings events as just one of those things !!!


R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

WAS RASPUTIN AN ALIEN ?

WAS RASPUTIN AN ALIEN ?

Resent research by Russian academics studying previously restricted state archives at the Kremlin, have allegedly discovered that the body of the murdered monk was never recovered from the icy river that he fell in to during his supposed assassination in December 1916.

Although a corpse was later found on the banks of the river Neva, the documents reveal that a full identification of Rasputin was not attained due to the decomposed nature of the body, and lack of modern techniques of identifying a corpse. The records go on to indicate that the body was probably that of a Ukrainian peasant that had been shot by the police the previous day. This identification being most probable due to the tattoo on his lower leg that revealed his prisoner number from his recent incarceration at the Lubyanka in Moscow.

Earlier that evening when Rasputin had been the guest of his assassins, Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich, Prince Yusupov and Vladimir Purishkevich, each of the aristocratic fay homosexuals had noted that imbibing huge quantities of alcohol had no effect on the charismatic priest, and all attempts to render him unfit through drink  and drugs had failed.

 It is a matter of record, that they each stated to the police after their arrest for the supposed murder, that he was not human and must have come from another world.

This was after they had pumped his body with bullets from an American revolver until his body slumped to the floor, but although bleeding profusely he refused to die and continued to make fast his escape, until being pushed in to the icy adjacent river that flowed passed the imperial  palace in Petrograd.

The uncovered records go on to indicate that the Czar was convinced that the mad  monk was an alien and not of this earth. This was belief had been formed due to his uncanny and unnerving hold over his wife, the Czarina, and the way he was able to manipulate all those about him, including his military advisers and government.  Indeed Czar Nicholas II had spent many hours with his secret police trying to identify the monks origins, but was always unable to uncover any corroborated evidence of his existence prior to arriving at the imperial court.  



The newly released documentation allegedly goes on to indicate that the research in to the mad monks past had included the investigation of a mysterious object in the Siberian sky's a year prior to Rasputin's appearance on the Royal scene.

The Tunguska incident had taken place in 1908 when a supposed comet had struck the Siberian heartland causing an explosion heard for many hundreds of miles. The forest surrounding the impact site was completely laid bare, with the trees stretched out across the landscape as if smitten by a heavenly Goliath.

The assumption has always been that a comet smashed in to the earth and until now this has not been challenged, but the uncovered documents allegedly support a completely different assessment of the incident. They allege that the impact crater and devastation was caused by an alien space ship landing , and that this craft released  its cargo of humanoid life forms so as to intersperse with the Russian community. The records go on to suggest that Rasputin was only one of these aliens unleashed upon the Russian hinterland, and that the great events that followed this event were in some way orchestrated by these alien interlopers.


These events have been brought to the attention of the Duck Flat Cap Society, and the History and Russian studies sub Committee recently debated the findings at the Duck. At the tempestuous meeting the acting President and chairman, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff , took objection to the suggestion that we were being infiltrated by aliens as he knew that aliens did not exist due to an article in the Daily Mail that he had read in 1959. This outburst by the ruddy face pensioner caused Professor  Dave the Teach to jump from his seat exclaiming that the old man was a buffoon and  that the uncovered documents were further proof of his own earlier abduction by Aliens, as detailed in an earlier bulletin.

The remainder of the  sub committee decided to adjourn the meeting so that Driver Chard could receive medical attention as he was by now apocalyptic with  rage and threatening to remove his flat cap. Professor Dave the Teach was also in need of medical assistance and ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, was soon administering first aide by way of mouth to mouth resuscitation. However, it was later established that the Professor had collapsed due to his alcohol intake but was otherwise medically fit.

A further meeting will take place after Driver Chard has recovered, Dave the Teach has sobered up, and the committee have had time to read the full documentation that is to be published in a national newspaper soon.

Further details will be published in due course.

THE POPPADOM PROPHECIES

THE POPPADOM PROPHECIES

Archaeologists working on behalf of the Mumbai & Harrogate School of Mysticism and Calligraphy have discovered a set of documents that have been hidden from society for thousands of years.


The archaeologists, who have been working for several months at an undisclosed location in the Deccan region of India  broke their silence on Monday, when Professor Cornelius Wildebeest e-mailed details of the documentation to his his fellow antiquarian, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, the acting chairman and life president of the Duck Flat Cap Society, who have for many years been located in north west London, England.


Driver Chard immediately contacted his fellow " Duck Flat Cap Society" members, who convened an emergency session of the Archaeological sub committee.  At the meeting Driver Chard explained to the enthralled audience that a leather bound bundle of ancient Sanskrit scripts had been discovered buried beneath an antiquated granite statue of an Elephant mounting a water Buffalo.Carefully placed below the leather bundle containing the Sanskrit documents was a mummified Poppadom, completely covered in a version of ancient Sanskrit, known to be that used by the priestly cast  that existed only  at the time of Jesus Christ.

The poppadom has allegedly been studied by the worlds current experts in the ancient Sanskrit language, and were amazed to discover that the translation warns of an apocalyptic event that was to take place when the ice caps began to melt and  the deserts of the world were scorched by the dried blood of the starving and dehydrated residents of the lands located to the west of "Bharrat", across the unforgiving salt sea of the never ending monsoons.

It continues to describe the end of the world, by the greed and avarice of man, and that the final countdown to the final destruction will begin when the modern empires of the west, north and south, succumb to the might of the great eastern overlords. 

"Driver Chard" dismissed the prophecy with a swish of his dry and spotted hand, whilst mumbling that the world can't end soon, because he and his wife were booked on a cruise next spring and he cant afford to waste the money. The remaining members of the Duck Flat Cap Society tended to agree with the cantankerous old bounder and decided to dismiss the poppadom discovery as a discarded unwanted snack, left by an  over weight Indian priest, whilst writing a prehistoric blog on a unwanted poppadom, to pass the time of day.

This said the current world climate appears to mirror the situation as displayed on the mummified poppadom, and we can only wait to see what occurs next year.

A further report will be submitted next year, provide we all survives the Apocalypse.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020