DRIVER CHARD IN "DARK MATTER" INTRIGUE

DRIVER CHARD IN "DARK MATTER" INTRIGUE

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has astounded the assembled leadership of the fabled "Duck Flat Cap Society" by revealing that he has discovered the format of "Dark Matter".

After reading an article in the scientific section of the "Harrow and Durban Gazette" Driver Chard began a personal search for the source and composition of the newly discovered substance that astrophysicists and Cosmologists believe makes up approximately 80% of everything in existence since the Big Bang.

After consulting back editions of "String Vest monthly", "Dribblers Digest" and "Wrinklies Health Monthly", the octogenarian Chairman and acting President of the august North West London debating and imbibing society, concluded that the Universe was over flowing with a rich mixture of Stout, roasted malt, London porter, excrement and crushed liquorish.
  
Furthermore, at a recent meeting of the astrophysical and imbibing sub-committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, Driver Chard gainfully explained his astonishing theory of Black Matter to the excited but bombastic throng, wearing nothing but a badly faded Fulham F.C football shirt and a pair of black woolen tights, with a plastic gavel in his right hand. This outfit was  topped of by his "pork pie" hat, seated at a jaunty angle upon his befuddled head.

After listening to the gibberish expounding from Driver Chard's chapped and bleeding lips, the committee took a break to allow former military hardman and sexologist "Basher Hurley" to administer mouth to mouth resuscitation to the octogenarian chairman and acting president.

The excitement of announcing his new theory to the assembled membership was too much for the geriatrics heart, and after sipping from each of his his three pints of best bitter, he collapsed in to the arms of "Dave the Duck", who's swift action prevented his head bashing in to the extended boot of "Groundsman Bazza."

Recovering from his collapse, Driver Chard ripped up his notes and returned to his usual seat. After giving the "Quenelle gesture"he finished his ale and proclaimed that his theory was to be posted on the internet sites of the "Harrow and Durban Gazette", the "Dribbling Times" and "Octogenarian World", and that a further debate would take place in due course.

Further details will be released in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020






 

DRIVER CHARD IN DR WHAT CHALLENGE

DRIVER CHARD IN DR WHAT CHALLENGE

Driver Chard, acting chairman and president of the Duck Flat Cap Society , has astonished the membership by claiming that he is the rightful successor to the fictional post of "Dr What".

At an extraordinary meeting of the "Procrastination, imbibing, Weeping Angel and Chekhovian" sub-committee, Driver Chard revealed to the assembled committee that he had been promised the role after the existing incumbents next regeneration.

Furthermore, he maintained that the overweight failed karaoke singer and part time somnambulist "Ray the Dust" and former slave trader and plumber "Little Legs Parks" were to be his fellow companions and time travellers.

 After being challenged by "Dave the Duck", the wrinkle faced Octogenarian Fulham F.C supporter pulled a document from his trouser pocket, proclaiming that it was a signed contract establishing him as the next Dr, and appointing Ray the Dust and Little Legs as his companions.

The fact that on closer inspection it appeared to be a repeat prescription for Viagra was dismissed at the time due to the acrid sweat dripping from his face and obliterating the wording on the crumpled document. Another document which he proclaimed to be a codicil to the original "prescription" document was also of a dodgy pedigree due to its uncannily similarity to a 1945 Fulham F.C football programme .  

At this stage of the proceedings "Pepe le Puke, pushed forward to vent his spleen to the effect that he was astonished and flabbergasted that he had been overlooked as a travelling companion.
 
 He continued to refute any suggestion that Little Legs Parks could fulfil the role of assistant companion to his fellow part time Dust Cart operative Raymondo Dusthampton.

  Furthermore, he protested Ray the Dust had shown ungentlemanly conduct in accepting the post beside the ex slave trading plumber, in full knowledge that his diminutive self craved the position.
 
At this point, the remaining committee members announced their mutual disgust  towards Ray the Dust, Little Legs Parks and Pepe le Puke for failing to reveal their Whatovovian ambitions, and passed an immediate resolution banning them from attending future meetings until clarification of the role played by each member in this subterfuge was investigated by Inspector Dave the Teach and Basher Hurley.

In this respect, proceedings will be placed on hold until Inspector Teach returns from his mid winter sabbatical in southern France, providing the  local Mayor and Gendarmerie approve his release.

Ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley is on stand-bye awaiting the return of his northern associate and is currently communicating with his fellow Lancasterian via telepathy and carrier pigeon.   

Driver Chard claim will be fully discussed at the next full meeting of the  "Procrastination, imbibing, Weeping Angel and Chekhovian" sub-committee, and the conclusion of the investigation by the northern "What finder General" Dave the Teach and his sexologist buddy.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE MERCURIAL MIGHT OF MADAME METHANE

THE MERCURIAL MIGHT OF MADAME METHANE

Madame Methane loved to fart!

A daily diet of flatulent loaded foods ensured that she was able tootle her back-burner to her hearts content with a constant supply of gut wrenching methane exploding from her bulbous rear end.

As she trudged along the street on her way to purchase more methane kindling, she left a yellowish green fug behind her, and a slimy residue would stick to any unfortunate seat she decided to shimmy her humongous arse upon.

As a child she soon learnt that although her puke inflicting habit ensured she had no friends, she was well endowed with sufficient gas power to inflict a crushing victory over anyone stupid enough to cross her stinking path.

She was expelled from school due to her capacity to empty the classroom with one terrific guff, and had never held down paid employment for more than a day. Indeed, on her first day as a cleaner at a sewage plant, she was dismissed for setting of the plants methane alarms each time she passed the unfortunate mechanism's.

Having realised that her petulant flatulence  could be her passport to wealth, she soon set up a network of terrified shopkeepers, publicans and hotel managers who would pay her a considerable sum of money to stay away or vacate their premises thus preventing her from evacuating her stinking bowel and alimentary canal and exploding foul air throughout their premises.

After a few years she had amassed a huge amount of flatulence protection money and retired to a bijou residence down wind of  Darjeeling, adjacent to a combined sewage farm and sulphur works.

Her luxurious retirement was however rudely ended, when after drinking fifteen pints of stout and eating a mixture of Vindaloo curry and a hundred weight of baked beans, she exploded with the force of fifty thousand tons of TNT distributing her entrails across the Darjeeling hinterland.

And that was the end of Madame Methane.................

COMMIE "LITTLE LEGS" PARKS IN MAYORAL CLASH WITH DRIVER CHARD

COMMIE "LITTLE LEGS" PARKS IN MAYORAL CLASH WITH DRIVER CHARD

COMMIE "LITTLE LEGS" PARKS

Diminutive plumber and part time lumberjack, Littler Legs Parks, has caused an outrage in the quiet gentrified suburbs of North West London, by challenging Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting President and Chairman of the Duck Flat Cap Society, for the office of Mayor.

The office of  "Mayor and Alderman of Middlesex" has been empty for over a hundred years due to the gradual absorption of the "Middle Saxon" county of Middlesex in to the metropolis of Greater London.

Recent events throughout Great Britain regarding political devolution to the various regions of the UK, have resulted in the re establishment of the post of  "Mayor and Alderman of Middlesex", and Driver Chard was believed to be the favourite candidate for the post.


However, Little Legs Parks has shocked the local electorate by revealing his candidacy as a fully paid up member of the Independent Communist Party of Rayner's Lane and Middlesex (ICPRLM).

 This recently created outpost of alleged Marxist, Turdoxian and Maoist opinion, has manifested itself throughout the suburban hinterland of the former fabled "Metroland", due to increased immigration, emigration and in particular, a massive influx of Eastern Europeans from former communist countries.

These peoples having settled here believing in the myth of an easy living under the UK's social benefit system, have discovered the reality of living in a crippled state, and now long for the former protection afforded by their former communist masters.

 Little Legs Parks has listened to these Eastern migrants as he employs them on sub minimum wages, whist attending to the damaged water pipes and cisterns of there multiple occupancy hovels and sub lets that they inhabit.Using his skills honed  as a minor electoral official under the 1960's socialist Wilson government, he has gathered about him a large electoral college of voters who are willing to place their future in his large calloused and nicotine stained, muscular bear like hands.

It has been proposed that the new post of Mayor and Alderman of Middlesex will enable the Mayor to collect various tithes and benefices from the local populace, in particular will be able to charge an additional Community charge on those households with more than one vehicle (holder of office excluded), more than eight letters in there surname and also those with an income in excess of fifty thousand pounds or property worth in excess of four hundred thousand pounds.

Little Legs Parks has set within his manifesto a promise to redistribute theses funds to the Eastern European plague swarming the forests and open spaces of Middlesex, although he has withheld his true intention to  utilise the funds by establishing a  string of cut price massage parlours and brothels, utilising and specialising in those of a diminutive stature, throughout his constituency.

Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has sworn to oppose the diminutive plumber and after obtaining details of his plan to operate a string of PORG massage parlours and brothels for people of restricted growth, has avowed to die rather allow the diminutive plinbers parlous plan to succeed. 

A full meeting of the "Mayoral and Alderman" sub section of the Duck Flat Cap Society debating sub committee will take place next Wednesday, when both Driver Chard and Commie "Little Legs Parks" will  put forward their amended manifesto's for approval or dismissal, of a request for a DFCS political donation and continued funding.

Further details will be leaked in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020



 

APOCALYPSE DUCK

APOCALYPSE DUCK

Whilst browsing through an old black and white Egyptian edition of Picture Post, Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, acting President and Chairperson off the Duck Flat Cap Society, noticed and article detailing an archaeological excavation in Megiddo, Palestine.

The article described the uncovering of am elaborately engraved marble manuscript that detailed the destruction of the world by a midget Antichrist in an episode to be known as the Apocalypse.

Intrigued by this article Driver Chard took to his I Pad and was soon searching for entries relating to the destruction of the earth and the end of time, and soon noticed the similarity of the inscription on the marble tablet to that of the christian Bible's"The Book of Revelation".

His further searching soon revealed that the site of the archaeological dig in Megiddo, was also known as Armageddon, which is associated throughout the modern world with the end of time.




Fuelled with this information, Driver Chard went about his urgent business of revealing to the world that he had located the Antichrist in North West London, and that the end of time was immanent.

His fervour further kindled by his belief that Little Legs Parks, an associate member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, was the Antichrist, as revealed by his "666" tattoo located on his left buttock and allegedly repeated on his right testicle.

At a recent meeting of the Duck Flat Cap Society "Revelations and Apocalypse" sub committee, Little legs Parks was cross examined regarding his alleged tattoo's , and after a thorough examination by the societies medic, ex military hard man and sexologist Basher Hurley, it was suggested that the alleged markings were a side effect of his long term affliction, previously described as "Mad Albert Disease", but known to history as "St Benedict's Fire", "Repdigit palindromic syndrome" or "the Devils mark".




Faced with this evidence, the sub committee reported that Little Legs Parks was indeed the Antichrist, and immediately had his associated membership revoked and was fined two guineas and a removed from the society Golfing society for eighteen months.
However, "Little Legs Parks" is set to appeal this decision and has employed failed lady's man and karaoke singer "Ray the Dust" to represent him at the appeal hearing.

In view of this decision, Driver Chard has downloaded sufficient software and apps to his Tablet computer so as to enable the disgruntled octogenarian martinet to broadcast regular hourly bulletins across the radio waves of Britain, warning of the impending Apocalypse at the hand of the diminutive plumber "Little Legs Parks".



His hourly rantings are broadcast from his humble home in North West London, and The Duck In the Pond, via an associates Ham radio set and affiliated radio mast. The hourly broadcasts of :

   "Good morning/day/evening/ night  Britain.... the end is nigh, seek and destroy the Antichrist Little Legs Parks.." 

have started to take a grave toll on Driver Chard's health.

He can be seen sat at his usual seat at the DFCS HQ, unshaven and wearing his full Fulham FC football kit, flat cap and furled umbrella at his side, whilst foaming at the mouth and sipping pints of best British bitter.

His face is a constant puce with beads of hot sweat cascading down his deeply creased face. Due to the excessive stress placed upon Driver Chard's attempt to save the world from the Apocalypse, he has agreed to temporarily stand down from his leadership of the Duck Flat Cap Society, and his position has been taken by "Mad Laurence the Drive" who will be assisted in his duties by Dave "Duck" and the Duck Umpalumpas. 

Further details of the "End of Time" will be detailed later..............................unless..........!

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE DUCK HUNTER

THE DUCK HUNTER

 
 Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff has astonished the members of the "Duck Flat Cap Society" and in particular the ruling elite of the "Central Council", by claiming that the society was engaged in highly classified "Black projects" in south east Asia during the French Indochina crisis and the Vietnamese war.

The geriatric octogenarian warmonger claims that when he was seconded to the Egyptian secrete service during his military service, he was asked to assist the British , American and Egyptian high command in their top secrete operations to understand Soviet and Chinese intentions in the strategic North East area of Africa.

During these briefings Driver Chard let it be known to the High Command that he was a member of the Duck Flat Cap Society that for scores of years had kept close links with the British military installations located at Bentley Priory and Stanmore Park in Harrow and Wealdstone / Stanmore area of North West London.
 
 RAF Bentley Priory was a non-flying Royal Air Force station near Stanmore in the London Borough of Harrow. It was famous as the headquarters of Fighter Command during the Battle of Britain and the Second World War.
Little known to the public, a series of tunnels and passages linked the Bentley Priory buildings to the nearby Stanmore Park barrage balloon post , where the tunnels were further linked to the Duck In the Pond public house and HQ of the Duck Flat Cap Society.

As previously reported on theses pages Winston Churchill was allegedly known to traverse these dark passages so that he could delight his taste buds with a couple of pints of best British Bitter, via a secure door that opened in to the beer cellar of the Duck In the Pond.

 It was during one of these secretive visits that a young Driver Chard allegedly encountered Winston enjoying a pint of Best whilst drawing on a twelve inch cigar whilst reading the minutes of the last Duck Flat Cap Society "Imbibing, spying and procrastinating" sub committee board meeting. This encounter led to unconfirmed reports that the British Prime Minister becoming a fully paid up member of the Duck Flat Cap Society, although his membership was kept secrete until revealed a number of years ago by Driver Chard.

This link between the D.F.C.S and the  the military was forged ever closer during the final years of world war 2, and the Korean conflict, with agents being supplied to infiltrate the drinking establishments of enemy cities throughout occupied Europe and eventually the far east.  It was via this link that Driver Chard was able to reveal to the various high commands in North Africa that he had the means to enable closer relations with the French by assisting with their operations in Indochina.

The initial response was to  parachute several agents in to Annam and Cochinchine, who were strategically trained to be able to consume a minimum of twenty pints of stout, best bitter or larger at a sitting.

 Due to the French influence in the areas being infiltrated,  particular brands of French larger had been mad available to the agents to ensure that excess gas intake would not detour them from there intended mission of debilitating the imbibing military elite of the targeted areas by engaging in prolonged bouts of boozing with targeted officers.

Operations were successful during the French engagement but as history shows, there general military weakness and ineffective government eventually led to the French evacuation of Indochina and the establishment of individual states.  

In time the USA intervened in the area to try and stop a domino effect of increasing Communist control, as the Chinese equipped Viet Cong and others, tried to overthrow the legitimate governmental successors to French Colonial rule.  As the American involvement grew, so did the undercover operations of the Duck Flat Cap society, with new operatives being dropped in to strategic military positions, especially those to be targeted for Napalm attacks.

The agents were also specially trained in the subtle art of "Russian Roulette", although it s true to recount that a number of operatives were lost after an unfortunate indecent at the training base in  Bisley, when brandy was substituted for best bitter in a back room game of "Chicken".

Operations continued for a number of years, but during the late 1960's the availability of agents began to drop off, as the need for alcohol petered out among younger recruits to the D.F.C.S, mainly due to the uptake of marijuana and a clamp down of drinking and driving leading to less clientele at the  pubs and bars of England.

Eventually, the Ruling Council of the "Military and Procrastinating" sub committee decided to withdraw from Vietnam, and if you view the news footage of the last helicopter escaping from  Saigon, you can just make out the portly figure of  agent "Dust" forcing his way to safety.

Further details will be posted after Driver Chard has recovered from his latest bout of Mad Albert disease.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

"BABEL BABBLE" ZOMBIE CONTAGION - DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TO TAKE ACTION AS AFFLICTION INFLICTS LONDON

"BABEL BABBLE" ZOMBIE CONTAGION  - DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY TO TAKE ACTION AS AFFLICTION INFLICTS LONDON

  
A debilitating affliction is currently sweeping London and other English metropolitan areas, and is particularly effecting the large proportion of those who choose to travel by public transport.

It seems to mainly attack those who are not of an Anglo Saxon or Celtic ethnic background, although ethnic British may not be excluded in totality, and consists of an overwhelming need to shout loudly and hurriedly in to a Mobile telephone using a language that is unfamiliar to those who are native to these Islands, whilst wildly gesticulating with outstretched arms and waving hands, and occasionally gurgling, spitting and clucking.




It usually manifests itself on the upper levels of London Transport buses and can continue for at least 20 minutes without interruption. It also seems to effect the bodily functions of those afflicted as arms and heads are often seen to wave around in a Zombie like uncontrolled manor, whilst the mobile babble continues in in full uninterrupted flow.
  
A severe attack can render the vocal tracts of an offender unusable and result in a frustrated growl and hiss occasionally interposed with sounds that sound suspiciously like "innit" and "hesaid shesaid".

However, none of these outbursts have been scientifically proven, and may just be excessive wind evacuating the bodies of those attempting to communicate their thoughts to the unfortunate initiator or receiver of the call. 

Driver Chard , acting Chairman and Life President of the Duck Flat Cap Society has formed a select subcommittee to investigate the confusing babble inflicting the capitals transport system under the code name "Operation Chaucer",  and has appointed ex military hard man and sexologist "Basher Hurley" to command expeditions in to the hinterland of London Transport and Network Rail.

 It is the belief of the aging Chairman and President, that this infliction is the result of a pestilence released by agents of the French and German equivalents of the CIA and MI5, in an attempt to pursued the British public to canvass for closer political and financial Union with the EU. He is unable to give a solid reason for his beliefs , but is sure that the countries traditional enemies are bound to be behind the debilitating, although occasionally titillating, explosion of baffling sounds on the nations transport systems. 

Basher Hurley will be assisted in his commando raids by failed karaoke singer and part time Dust Cart operative "Ray the Dust" and the diminutive "Little Legs Parks" who is tasked with infiltrating rush hour transport dressed as a school child, so as to monitor playground gibberish in an attempt to cut it out the incomprehensible babel at source, if indeed it is not caused by a pestilence unleashed by agents of the EU.

Green-keeper "Bazzer Barry" will also accompany the commandos so as to discount and dismiss any inclusion of incomprehensible "Cockney" speech, from the groups written reports of "Babel babble" that will be eventually submitted to Driver Chard and the "Operation Chaucer" Sub Committee .

So,if traveling on a London Transport Omnibus or indeed the Underground Tube, please do not become annoyed or upset by the cacophony of speech spilling from the pathological lips of the afflicted, but feel sorry for them, turn away, count to ten,and and count yourself lucky that you have not fallen foul of this cruel and debilitating disease.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020