BLOOD, DUST
& TOES “RAY THE DUST” – AN ANTHOLOGY
MIND MANAGEMENT AND THE
ARCHIPELAGO OF HOPE
Ray the
Dust and Driver Chard have outraged the membership of the Duck Flat Cap Society
by announcing that they propose to denounce former military hard man Basher
Hurley as morally corrupt.
Basher Hurley,who has recently recovered from a quintuple heart bypass
operation and successfully completed the prosecution of an enemy agent
who masqueraded as his dusky lover, before inflicting actual bodily harm to his
genital area and skull.
Ray the Dust and Driver Chard contend that the recent court proceedings have
dragged the good name of the Duck Flat Cap Society through the gutter, mortally
debasing the society and its members.
Ray the Dust, a morbidly overweight failed karaoke singer and part time dust
cart operative has also enlisted the support of his diminutive medicine ball
shaped colleague Pepe Le Puke, together with that of the societies in house
carpenter and ale distributor, Micky "Good Boy" Ince.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE
DUST IN WHITE HOUSE INTRIGUE
Failed
karaoke singer and part time garbage disposal officer, Ray the Dust, has again
been forcefully removed from a local government premises, after a tempestuous
display of outrage linked to his failed attempt to secure garbage disposal
rights at the White House.
For many
years, the honour of removing garbage from the white house has been offered to
the local authority’s finest operative. This, as many know, does not fit the
description of Ray the Dust, due in part to his constant absence from his
position because of feigned illness and injury.
As a
serial abuser of privilege, The Dust has continued to receive the standard back
handers from local tradesmen, as local grocers and traders seek to dispose of
their excess packaging.
After a
number of years this nice little earner has ceased to be as lucrative as the
recession continues to take its hold, and the funds finding their way in to the
Dusts pocket have been drastically dwindling.
Therefore the overweight lovable rogue hatched a plan that involved
immigrating to the USA and obtaining employment as a garbage disposal officer
in Washington DC
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE DUST IN SATANIC LINK TO
REPUBLICAN SYMPATHISERS
Elderly former pub singer and delusional ladies man, Ray the Dust, has outraged
fellow Duck Flat Cap Society members by revealing his affinity with Beelzebub,
otherwise known as the Devil.
The ageing somnambulist and part time garbage operative, has been outspoken in
his belief that British society is suffering from following the path of
righteousness, and that he believes the only way out of the world's current
mess is to follow the dark path of Diablo, the prince of darkness.
Ray the Dust has also taken to wearing his Man
United football shirt on a regular basis and constantly strokes the red devil
emblem stitched to the red jersey. His hand movements are troublesome to those
in his presence, as he also continues to rub his head and pat his rotund
stomach between stroking the demonic emblem.
At first this behaviour was thought to be just a further nervous tick that the
overweight failed karaoke singer and compulsive gambler had picked up is
constant and regular visits to the Costa Del crime and Croydon.
However, it has now become evident that the popular jovial drunk has
permanently effected his mental faculties due to a mixture of over eating,
under the counter erectile deficiency drugs and copious amounts of illicitly
distilled alcohol.
The Dust has also taken to commenting on the USA electoral debate, and has
adopted the Republican cause in the sad belief that "Republican" is
an American version of "Publican".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“RAY THE DUST” IN KRAY BROS CRIME LINK
Former pub singer, failed Karaoke singer and part time Dust cart
operative, “Ray the Dust” has shocked the Duck Flat Cap Society (DFCS) by
revealing previously unknown links to the notorious Kray Brothers crime
syndicate.
The ageing, overweight somnambulist Lothario, has finally released
documentary evidence that links him to a previously unknown crime ring headed
by the Krays, operating in Croydon and Brighton. "Ray the Dust" was a
key operative in an operation that procured danger money from a string of
Wimpey bars, hairdressers and amusement arcades located across southern
England.
The Dust would call on the sad intimidated operators of the various
establishments on his old second hand, rust ridden Vespa scooter, collecting
revenue for onward transmission to the Kray’s headquarters in London’s
East End. Although the Dust was understandably considered a lightweight
by those who he extorted hard earned cash from, he was protected from their
outrage by the menace of the master thugs whom he worked for.
On more than one occasion the always overweight and slow witted “Ray the Dust”
was targeted by the law, in particular when he stole a bright yellow scooter
from the Brighton sea front, so as to make good an escape after robbing
the local Biafra emergency collection centre.
Whilst attempting to flee the chasing mark 2 Jaguar police car, the dust
managed to throw the charitable collection in to the back of a passing dust
cart, before crashing the bright yellow banana scooter and damaging his foot in
the process.
The Dust was subsequently interviewed by the local constabulary, but deemed to
unremarkable to be responsible for any crime other than stealing the
scooter, and released to return to Croydon on the next available train.
The Dust was subsequently fined 10 Shilling and had
3 points added to his fake provisional Isle of Man driving licence.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE DUST IN SUMO SENSATION
Failed
Karaoke singer and part time Dust Cart operative, "Ray the Dust", has
surprised his family and friends by revealing that he is in training to be
Great Britain's sole entrant in next years World Sumo Games.
The
somnambulist failed pub singer has been progressively gaining weight for a
number of years, due to his excessive eating habits and total lack of
exercise.
These
factors have been exaggerated by his consumption of gallons of alcohol,
including all kinds of ales, beers and spirits.
The
recent bout of progressive gout, brought on by the Dusts rich and unhealthy
diet, did nothing to slow down his progressive fall in to obesity, although it
did once again give the work shy "Dust", another opportunity to
abstain from work.
It should
be noted that recent lapses by "Ray the Dust" in to incoherent
gobbledygook, followed by placing a handkerchief on his head , are a by product
of the gout reacting with his under the counter erectile deficiency medication.
The Duck
Flat Cap Society (DFCS) have recently obtained reports from a trusted ex
council employee, who was dismissed for working to hard, who confirms that
during a short period over the summer, he shadowed the ageing failed crooner,
whilst he drove his dust cart throughout the streets of Harrow.
His
observations are as to be expected, and confirm that the overweight failed
Karaoke singer has been in secret training for the Sumo fest for the last
12 months, consuming three times his body weight on a daily basis.
His high fat diet has included a daily routine of three full English
breakfasts and 12 rounds of toast prior to starting his part time shift as a
refuse executive and 15 big macs with fries at tea break. This excessive
breakfast and mid morning snack, is then followed by a selection of
evening roast beef and lamb meals, and numerous ice ream and fudge deserts.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE DUST TO DUO WITH
"ROLF" LOOK - ALIKE !
Failed dust cart operative and Karaoke singer, Ray the Dust, has announced that
he is to conduct a tour of British Working Mans clubs with a youthful
Rolf Harris doppelganger.
The aging Lothario has recently been re inventing his vision of musical success
whilst laid off from work with a self inflicted foot injury.During this period
of inactivity, the Dust has displayed a worrying tendency towards an inward
looking foot fetish, as you may have noted from previously published reports.
However, his new relationship with antipodean influenced music has
now resulted in his purchasing a second hand Digeredo from the yellow
pages and an intense desire to paint meaningless pictures of every day scenes
of Carpenter's Park on the walls of his bungalow.
The now semi retired Dust operative has been studiously studying video's of
Aussie artist and crooner, Rolf Harris, and has become increasingly
infatuated by the antipodean brush man.
Indeed, at a resent meeting of the weight watchers sub section of the Duck Flat
Cap Society, Ray the Dust, together with his diminutive side kick, Pepe le
Puke, were caught on video swaying to the sickening rhythm of the former
Rolf Harris hit "Two little boys". The swaying routine was repeated
by the sad duo over a period of two hours, until the tiring duo were forced to
vacate their seats as they had wet themselves,unfortunately unnoticed, due to
the trance like state that the constant hand waving and shuffling had induced
upon them.
Finally,former military hard man and sexologist, Basher Hurley, intervened and
after administering the kiss of life to both pudding like bodies, they
eventually came to their full senses and purchased another round of Pernod's
and weak lager.
Ray the Dusts forthcoming tour will be monitored closely by the Duck Flat Cap
Society, and will report further in due course.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY "RAYMUNDO" THE DUST
IN TOE FETISH OUTRAGE
Aging Lothario and ex lightweight Karaoke crooner, Ray "Raymundo from
England" the Dust, has been scandalising civil society with his outrageous
toe fetish behaviour.
The dust has been absent from his workplace for a number of weeks due to a
supposed injury to his foot, but it has recently come to the attention of the
Duck Flat Cap Society that his injury is self inflicted.
It has long been suspected by the ethics and sexual orientation sub committee ,
that the overweight refuse driver has a unusual and unhealthy interest in feet,
and in particular the big toe.
It was indeed quite apparent during a recent overseas trip to the Costa Del
crime, that the dust was more than casually interested in the feet and toes of
both male and female bathers surrounding the hotels pool. This unhealthy
interest was also apparent in refusal to wear no footwear other than Jesus
boots and also roman centurion sandals.
On the dusts return from his trip to the Iberian peninsula, it was noted by all
the members of the DFCS, that the dust had picked up the strange, odd and quite
frankly baffling trait of exposing his feet at every opportunity. This
strange and unnerving behaviour culminated with his self inflicted mutilation
to his big toe , so that he could flaunt his outrageously ugly digit to all and
sundry.
This
seedy and gross behaviour has unfortunately been spreading of late,culminating
with a recent attempt by Bazzer Duck to bite off the offending digit.
Fortunately for the fellow revellers , Bazza was pulled away from the dusts
foot just in time to prevent an act of rabid savagery that would surly have
resulted in full blown Rabies for the offending Bazza.
As it was, a doctor was called by Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff, in his
capacity of acting medical officer in the absence of ex military hard man and
sexologist, Basher Hurley, and anti tetanus injections were administered to the
full committee and bar staff.
We await further news on the Dusts self inflicted condition, and will report
further in due course.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE RENUNCIATION OF FERNANDO
GOMEZ
Fernando Gomez was born in a New York slum and spent the first sixteen
years of his life living in a one room apartment with no heating and no running
water. Sanitation was non existent, with excrement piled in heaps across the
rooms fetid floor.
It was alleged, but never substantiated or proved, that his father was
allegedly, no other than the twin brother of the great Mario Lanza, Raymondo
Roymondo Lanza, who after a heavy night on black tar heroin or Golden Brown,
had slept with a Brooklyn hooker inseminating her with his Italian seed, and leaving
her with ruptured ear drums from his constant rendition of Italian Opera and
Mac the Knife.
Fernando did not attend school and by the age of sixteen was a
streetwise pervert with a penchant for bad smelling feet and Parmesan
cheese. By begging and stealing he managed to maintain a low level drug
habit, and had been dependent on crack cocaine from the age of ten. His
nose was destroyed by his constant sniffing of butane gas and toilet cleaner,
and his veins were non existent through the injection of crack cocaine direct
in to his bloated body.
One wet New York morning Fernando slipped on to a metro train and
disembarked on the lower west side, adjacent to the river Hudson. His next step
was to stow away on the packet steamer s.s Croyden, and was soon slipping
unnoticed by all and sundry in to Southampton docks, Hampshire England.
He soon realised that his name would be unsuitable in his new English
surroundings, and remembering where he boarded the ship, being the River
Hudson, decided to adopt the surname of Hudson. To further enhance his chance
of not being detected in the UK he also changed his first name to
Raymondo.
Thus Raymondo Hudson was born, and he began his slow rise through the
layers of society until he reached the dizzy heights of Master Waste disposal
Operator, and somnambulist part time karaoke singer and drunk.
The rest is well documented and the subject of various other posts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE DUST IN BIAFRA OUTRAGE !
Reports recently uncovered by a team of students researching the underclass of
Croyden in the 1960's, have allegedly uncovered evidence that Ray the Dust was
involved in a food parcel scam during the tragic Biafran crisis In the late
1960's.
On 30th June 1969, the Nigerian government banned all Red Cross aid to Biafra.
However for the preceding two years the populace of Great Britain, rich and
poor,old and young, wilfully gave spare food to local charitable
organisations, so that the Red Cross could collate packages for the starving
children and adults of Biafra.
Biafra had seceded from the former British colony of Nigeria in 1967, and had
struggled to survive as an independent nation against the might of its former
African parent that its self had gained independence from the UK in 1960.
Whilst the school children of Great Britain nagged their parents for food that
they could take to class for their Biafrian compatriots, and old age pensioners
gave up there bingo money to add to the food aid, Ray The Dust was scheming
with his roustabout, scooter riding mates to see how many food packages he
could divert for consumption by his own bloated and distended belly.
As a child Ray the Dust had always had a ravenous appetite, and as a teenager
had already developed a paunch and an expanding waistband. As the Biafran
outrage was reported across the minimal TV network and in the working class
press, the Dust and his gang of Croyden hooligans were soon working out that
the easiest way to a content belly was to set up a bogus charity and to collect
food parcels on behalf of the Biafran crisis.
Ray the Dust was allegedly successful for a number of months until a group of
local greasers stumbled upon the scam and took over control of the operation.
However, their involvement was short lived as the greater might of Nigeria soon
overran the fledgling state of Biafra and re-Incorporated the region in
to the Nigerian sovereign state.
By this time, the Dust was already hooked on additional calories, and to this
day each and every day is one huge meal for the corpulent refuse collector.
Indeed his tragic obsession with Karaoke singing is a by product from his waist
being so large that his trousers are always tight, and thus he feels better
standing , and thus singing in to sweaty mic, in a seedy club was just a
short transition for the food loving Dust.
We await further reports, at which time additional information will be posted
for your benefit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE
DUST IN "BOYS FROM BRAZIL” OUTRAGE AT CLONED HUDSON DOPPELGANGERS
During a
recent "Jolly Boys Outing" to Benidorm, by the cultural section of
the Duck Flat Cap Society, the committee unexpectedly uncovered a secret plan
to populate the worlds karaoke bars with clones of Ray The Dust.
Unknown
to the rest of the world, the German Nazi Dr Joseph Mengele had not only
escaped to south America after the fall of Her Hitler, but had also set up a
base of operations in Alacanti, south east Spain. After spending a number
of weeks mingling with the local low life, Dr Mengele scoured the local
clinics and hospitals looking for surrogate mothers to inseminate with his
hideous solution of Hitlers semen.
However
after a number of attempts, he was unable to produce the required
pregnancies as the samples of seed had perished In the rancid heat of Alicanti
in high summer, as there was no refrigeration available after the earlier
monstrosities of the Spanish Civil War. At this stage he sent a minor
minion to Gibraltar with instructions to gather seed from strong English
sailors and soldiers billeted at the rocks garrison.
Before
long he returned with a couple of gallons of the UK's best, and began his
programme of insemination. Unknown to Mengele, an unknown member
of the Hudson family, in Gibraltar as a serving conscript and drunk from a
stint in the local boozer, had made an unauthorised donation to the collection,
when Mengele's Nazi collector was distracted.
This
member of the Hudson clan was a direct ancestor of "Ray the Dust" and
it is his seed that provided 50% of the chromosomes that make up the Dust and
98 other cloned look alike's.
As with
other clones, the Nazi and fellow sympathisers continued to keep track of the
cloned children, including 99 who were cloned from the unauthorised seed from
the Hudson sperm donor. Over a number of years it became apparent
that a large number of the clones were blessed with a fine vocal talent and
were able to win numerous prizes at the various European schools that they had
been deposited in by their clandestine network of helpers.
It is now
alleged that a number of the clones remained in Alicanti and subsequently moved
to Benidorm as the originally small fishing village boomed in to the sprawling
metropolis frequented by millions of holidaying Europeans enjoying the sun,
entertainment and cheap liquor. These clones were programmed from an
early age to excel at the microphone and were soon distributed throughout the
area cabaret and karaoke bars.
At the
same time a number of the clones were introduced to Croydon, England,unaware
that the original Hudson seed originated in the area. After some
confusion by the local midwife's, it is believed that Ray the Dust was
mistakenly adopted in to the bosom of the family, whilst being totally unaware
of his cloned attributes.
As the
tubby Ray the Dust grew older he was lost by his Nazi handlers and managed to
live a normal life , with the exception that he was constantly drawn to local
karaoke bars and clubs with the urge to blast out Mustang Sally and the like
This
now explains why the Dust continues to sing at these establishments bringing
shame to all about him as his broken voice trails of with hideous crackles and
screeches as his red flaccid face struggles to gasp in the air so that his
lungs and heart can continue to function.
This also
explains how reports of the Dust having arguments with the like of Sticky Vicky
in Benidorm, have continued to circulate, even when it is known that the Porty
refuge collector was busying himself with Pepe le Puke in Watford and Harrow
weald public houses. It is also believed that the invitation to the Royal
wedding was intended for a Benidorm Doppelganger blessed with a far sweeter
voice than the croaking and wheezing Dust.
The duck
Flat Cap Society are to liaise with the Ezra Lieberman section of the Simon
Wiesenthal's Nazi Hunters to see if the cloned Dust can be exempted from
persecution as this sad storey comes to light.
Further
updates will be available in due course.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAY THE DUST" TO STAR IN "SNUFF MOVIE" REMAKE OF KEY
LARGO
Duck regular and member
of the Duck Flat Cap Society, "Ray the Dust" is to star in the role
of Edward G. Robinson in a remake of film classic Key Largo. However, the
remake is not a standard re hash of the original, but a Snuff version being
produced and shot in the seedy suburbs of Alacanti, on Spain's Costa Del Crime.
The Dusts big break has come his way due in part to his earlier liaison with
Benidorms favourite stripping granny, Sticky Vikky. As regular readers
will remember "Ray the Dust" was controversially thrown from the
stage whilst Sticky performed her seedy but popular act . At the time the semi
illiterate and mostly sozzled Dust was going through the final stages of a
breakdown brought on by his continued failure as a pub and club Karaoke singer.
(See link
http://horsingtonsmythe.blogspot.com/2011/03/el-ray-dust-in-bust-up-with-sticky.html
)
The final straw that broke the delicate and spiny back of the Dust was his
recognition that he would not be singing at the Royal wedding involving the
young German Prince Wilhelm and his commoner wifelet to be, Katy the
kiss. Not long after realising his offer to entertain the assorted
royalty of Europe was rejected, the Dust embarked on a short trip to the Cost
Del Crime where he encountered one of his all time favourite acts, the aging
and leather skinned antediluvian stripper, Sticky Vikky.
Sticky Vikky allegedly introduced the crest fallen Dust to an underground
Croatian cinematographer who was casting for his new "Snuff" Movie ,
which is loosely based on the classic Key Largo, but with the the striking
difference that the cast are disposable and real bullets were to be loaded in
the revolvers and hand guns of the hot sweaty mobsters. It only took one glance
at the overweight and aging failed singer, Ray the Duck, for the Croatian
maestro to pick him in the leading role originally played by the great Edward
G. Robinson.
Ray the Dust immediately accepted the offer unaware what the "Snuff"
in snuff movies meant !. Of course his state of mind was still fragile due to
recent events and after a mobile telephone call to his fellow Dust operative,
the diminutive and equally unaware of the status of Snuff Movies, Pepe Le Puke,
believed that the chance to star in a movie was the pick me up that he
required. It is also believed that Pepe Le Puke ahas also accepted an
offer to star in the film, and will soon be auditioning for the part of the
policeman Deputy Clyde Sawyer who is shot and killed after the hurricane
abates. He has also been offered the alternative role of one of the Osceola
brothers.
Filming is due to start on the 18th June 2011 and it is known that Ray the Dust
is due to travel to Alacante on that date. Fortunately members of the Culture
and Cinematography section of the Duck Flat Cap Society are also travelling on
the same trip, and updates of the progress to the Dust's forthcoming brief
sortie in to the world of film will be posted herein due course.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"EL RAY THE DUST" IN BUST UP WITH STICKY VICKY !
News is reaching this blogger that the ageing cockney pub singer "Ray the
Dust" has allegedly 
been involved with a "dust
up" with famous Benidorm performer "Sticky Vicky".
Apparently after a number of glasses of strong liqueur, The Dust decided that
the urge to perform "Mustang Sally" was too great to hold back and he
suddenly sprang from his chair and scrambled on to the stage upon which Sticky
Vicky was performing.
The Dust quickly removed his shirt and grabbing a nearby mic began the standard
painful rendition of his former classic croon " Mustang Sally".
Sticky Vicky, recoiling from the fleshy man boobs that were gyrating next to
her eventually managed to man handle the Dust from the stage, where he was
allegedly apprehended by the local police.
Allegedly, after a night in the cells, the Dust returned to his hotel to find
that a representative of the ageing Benidorm showgirl was waiting for him, and
it is believed that a deal is being proposed where the Dust will be offered
free entrance to her shows provided he agrees not to interrupt her performance
or ever attempt to sing within 500 meters of one of her shows.
The Dust is currently considering his next move, and we await further details
!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“RAY THE DUST” FINALLY CRACKS !!
“RAY THE DUST” FINALLY CRACKS !!
Fading pub singer “Ray the Dust” has been spotted in a local hostelry looking
dazed and confused whilst seated in a quite corner of the pub.
The sad ex crooner, had a glazed look in his eyes and had placed a soiled
handkerchief upon his thinning scalp. This attempt to hide his receding
hairline, mirrors recent disastrous attempts at colouring his hair and the
failed experiment of thickening his thatch with gluttonous amounts of hair gel.
The mental state of the Dust has been worrying his refuse collection colleague
and buddy, the minuscule but overweight “Pepe Le Puke” for some time. His views
have recently been made known to the “Duck Flat Cap society”, who have been
monitoring the situation on a weekly basis.
It is thought that the final straw for the Dust was the recent realisation that
he was not going to sing at the forthcoming Royal Wedding, and that previous
delusions that he as to attend were all in his alcohol fuddled mind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SOMNAMBALISTIC EX MATINEE IDLE “RAY THE DUST” FLEES
COUNTRY TO COSTA DEL CRIME
SOMNAMBALISTIC EX MATINEE IDLE “RAY THE DUST” FLEES COUNTRY TO COSTA DEL CRIME
Rotund failed karaoke singer "Ray the Dust", who recently underwent a
senile moment at the Duck, has fled to the Costa Del crime to recharge his
ailing batteries.
Reports have reached the this blogger that although the Dust is resting in the
Andalusian sun, he is still hallucinatory and believes that the temperature is
in the mid 30's although in reality no more than 16 degrees Celsius. This sad
delusion is another sad reflection on the recent demise of this once great pub
and club singer.
It is striking to note that the Dust has retreated to a location only a few
miles from his former Karaoke stamping grounds in seedy Benidorm. One can only
hope that he does not try to make yet another comeback by way of attempting to
sing his one time favourite "Mustang Sally" as his last attempt at
this song ended in his being forcefully ejected from the last seedy karaoke bar
that would accept his croaking voice.
It is hoped that the rest that the Dust is receiving, far away from the evil
influence of the dwarf like "Pepe Le Puke" , will recharge his
batteries and help relieve the somnambalistic ennui that hangs about his
countenance.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It has recently been revealed that the ageing and overweight pub singer,"
Ray the Dust", has been cheating his public by Lip Syncing during his
albeit recent brief appearances at the mic.
It has long been rumoured that "the Dusts" rapid decline has been
provoked by his increasing reliance on strong alcohol and stimulants . These
rumours, linked with the increasing bad influence received from his constant
companion, Pepe Le Puke, a fellow overweight and diminutive refuse collector,
are a further indication that the former halcyon days of "the Dusts"
long career at the mic are over.
The ex king of the seedy Karaoke bar circuit, and Regular Benidorm favourite,
has constantly tried to extend his fast fading career by grabbing the mic and
performing songs that he claims not to know. This therefore enabling him to
claim that the poor performance is not down to his inferior delivery, but due
to not knowing the words of the song !!.
However, those who have witnessed recent renditions of his favourite croon
"Mustang Sally" will know that "the Dust" has not been able
to hit the mark even when suitable stimulated by alcohol or other nefarious
substances. It is also thought that recent experiments with hair colouring and
thick gluttonous hair gel, are as a result of his wish to evoke memories of his
tussle haired Teddy Boy youth, and revitalise his fading larynx.
Evidence for the "Lip Syncing" outrage has been provided by a popular
North West London hostelry, who were unfortunate enough to allow the overweight
warbler to perform at their last open mike evening. The event was recorded by
the publican, who has now approached the committee of the "Duck Flat Cap
Society" with the dramatic evidence of the Dusts subterfuge.
After a special viewing of the evidence before committee members "Chelsea
Duck" Ex Military hard man "Basher Hurley" and honorary Chairman
"Driver Chard of El Hadj Douiff " it has been unanimously agreed that
"The Duck" was Lip Syncing throughout the performance, and indeed on
closer examination it appears that the song being Lip Synced was not Mustang
Sally, but "my old man was a dustman"!!. This undoubtedly leading to
his subsequent early dismissal from the competition.
It is not yet known what repercussions this heinous event will have on the
continuing career of the portly "Ray the Dust" but we can rest
assured that we will no longer have our ears offended whilst relaxing with a
pint at the Duck.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOB CROW DOPPELGANGER SIGHTED IN
DUCK
Customers at the Duck in the Pond were outraged the other evening when in was
reported that the scourge of London Transport "Bob Crow" was in the
pub attended by a number of his Union henchmen.
The rumour quickly spread around the pub, and it was not long before the
committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society were alerted. A quick decision was
needed, and it was soon agreed that ex military hard man "Basher
Hurley" was to take a quick circuit of the bar and report back with his
findings.
At this Basher slowly rose from his seat, first finishing his bucket of black
velvet, and soon he was making for area three, where he would exit the pub for
a sweep of the perimeter. This completed he was to re enter the pub at the
smoking hub and continue his search of the bar.
However, no sooner than re entering the silken carpeted premises from the
smoking hub, a loud cry was unleashed as he charged his honed body at who he
believed to be the interloper bad "Bob Crow". Tables smashed to the ground
as prone bodies flew about the now sodden floor.
Driver Chard, Honorary President of the Duck Flat Cap Golf Society was first on
to the scene, soon followed by Chelsea Duck and Bazzer Duck. It was at this
stage in the proceedings that it was realised that the supposed "Bob
Crow" was in fact "Ray the Dust" and his colleagues were in fact
diminutive but overweight"Pepe Le Puke" and the larger but shuffling
" Good Boy Ince" .
After a few chosen words all was forgiven, and a few beers later all were again
friends, at least for the time being !!!!!.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AGEING NARCOLEPTIC DUSTMAN TO SING AT ROYAL WEDDING !!
Reports are reaching this blogger that council employee "Ray the
Dust", an overweight and ageing part time member of the Duck Flat Cap
Society, is to perform at the forthcoming Royal wedding.
This part time crooner, who is well known on the Costa Dell crime, and in
particular the seedy Benidorm Karaoke circuit, has constantly failed to hit the
mark when performing his trademark song "Mustang Sally".
In recent years the charismatic but overweight "Ray the Dust" has
performed at many venues and has occasionally hit the right notes bringing the
house in to rapacious applause. However, this has become very rare of late, and
may well be linked to the excessive alcohol the the "Dust" is known
to consume at the weekend.
In an attempt to stave of the melancholia that has began to overtake his ageing
face, it is known that sad attempts to dye his thinning hair have taken place
on more than one occasion, and once resulting in a ginger countenance that was
the cause of much hilarity until scrubbed from his scalp.
It is hoped that if the rumours are true , and the "Dust" does
perform at the Royal Wedding, that he keeps the "au natural" look
that he has recently taken on board. His sometime manager "Pepe Le
Puke" another diminutive overweight semi alcoholic refuse collector, has repeatable
led the Dust astray, and it is hoped that he will not obtain admission to the
Royal Wedding, as his attendance will ensure that the "Dusts" command
performance would surely be his last !!!!!!!!!
