THE MITRE MURDER MYSTERY - PART 1 (TEDS DEAD)

THE MITRE MURDER MYSTERY  -   PART 1 (TEDS DEAD)

It was a little after midday and the smell of stale piss pervaded the atmosphere of the dingy downstairs room. Old “Pa Bumfold” crossed his legs but failed to stop the emission flowing from his fetid soiled undergarments. 

Placing both hands on the filthy armchair he levered himself to his feet and shuffled towards the kitchen back door and the sanctuary of the brick outhouse, unfortunately situated in the back yard of the Victorian terraced property.

After a ten minute session in the putrid latrine and doing the paperwork with an old copy of the Radio Times, Pa Bumfold shuffled back in to the kitchen, where he was immediately set upon by his deranged octogenarian wife Gloria, a failed gymnast and part time exhibitionist from Kilburn. She managed to wrap here spindly legs around his neck by leaping from the kitchen table and slowly began to squeeze the life out of her befuddled husband.

A loud knock at the front door interrupted the comic grappling in the kitchen, and both made their way to the hallway and front door, where the unmistakable shadow of a policeman was viewed through the tinted glass panel in the door. 

Old Pa Bumfold, whose face was still puce from the near strangling his wife had administered, turned the latch and opened the door, fully expecting the old bill to nick him for his ungentlemanly conduct in the Mitre public house the previous night, when he had farted in the face of the opposing darts teams captain.

However, after removing his helmet, the constable explained that during recent excavations so as to facilitate the building of a new sports centre at Vale Farm, on the site of the existing open air swimming pool, they had unearthed a skeleton of a deformed dwarf like creature with missing teeth, broken wire rimmed spectacles, a curved spine and a silver bracelet on his lower arm depicting the name “Ted”. 

Furthermore, due to the boggy nature of the soil, part of the creature’s skin had been preserved and upon it was a child like tattoo describing the name “Ted” in blue ink. However, the PC also stated that unusually for such cases, the skull was missing and was presumed to have been disturbed by animals but would no doubt be found in due course.

 Old PA Bumfold and Gloria shuddered at this news as both glanced at the skull like feature on the sideboard across the other side of the lounge. The constable went on to explain that he was calling on all the properties in the vicinity of the adjacent Mitre pub, to ask if they had any knowledge of a missing person named Edward or Ted. Sobering up fast, both the geriatric Bumfold's stated that they knew of no missing people named Ted, Edward or any other name.  

The PC made a quick scribble in his notebook and made his exit. Pa Bumfold pulled a tin of old holborn from his pocket and started to role a cigarette and was soon coughing and blowing his way across the room towards the cranium shaped feature placed on the middle shelf of the dilapidated sideboard. Holding the skull like ornament in both hands he briefly smiled before placing the object d'art back on to its plinth.

Old Pa Bumfold scratched his head and without saying a word opened the front door and ambled towards the bus stop where after exchanging a few words with a gangling youth climbed aboard the bus, drawing hard on his  roll up and blowing filthy smoke at the peroxide clippy as she gave him his ticket.

To be continued............