RONGORONGO MOAI MYSTERY AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

RONGORONGO MOAI MYSTERY AT THE DUCK FLAT CAP SOCIETY

Recently recovered lost photographs of the Easter Islands have revealed an uncanny likeness between Driver Chard, the acting chairman and president of the Duck Flat Cap Society, and ancient statues on the Island.

A close analysis of the standing statues reveals that Easter Island Moai statues have large, broad noses and strong chins, along with rectangle-shaped ears and deep eye slits.

Their bodies are normally squatting, with their arms resting in different positions and are without legs.


These are uncannily similar to the features of the octogenarian Driver Chard whilst squatting or seated at his usual seat at the Duck Flat Cap Society debating table.

Even more amazing is the recent revelation by the "Easter Island Rongorongo script society" who have disclosed that a detailed translation of markings etched at the bases of a number of the statues translates to - "Here is the image of our great God from beyond the seas, Lord Chard the creator" .

Driver Chard has dismissed the resemblance to a  branch of his family who migrated to Chile,South America in 1585 after an ugly incident in Somerset involving a gross of cider apples, a bushel of barley, a barmaid and a milking stool.

 Driver Chard confirms that "Cornelius Formaldehyde Chard", a one eyed hermaphrodite, french polisher and part time scriptologist, was formulating a new script at the time he was forcefully deported to Chile via a Spanish galleon and a forced trek across what was to become Patagonian Argentina, and the Andes mountains.

Little is known of this discredited member of the Chard family as the Chard's disassociated themselves from him with immediate effect, with the exception of the Egyptian branch of the family who continued to correspond via hieroglyphic scripts  sent by "Kontiki" like reed vessels, that traded with the pacific islands long before Britannia and Europe ruled the waves.

After a further debate when it was postulated but then dismissed, that the statues also bear a close resemblance to Ray the Dust, the "Easter Island, Moai and Chard " sub committee voted to delay any further debate until Ray the Dust was released from  the local asylum and Driver Chard removed the Fez from his bewigged head and covered his shriveled naked body with some unsoiled clothing.

Driver Chard has refused to discuss the subject any further and has confirmed that his Egyptian cousins will say anything for a pound of dates and a visit to a proper kharzi with two sheets of shiny bog paper, and thus dismisses any claims they make regarding Cornelius Formaldehyde Chard.

Any further details will be posted in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

IWANTA SHYTE AND DRIVER CHARD IN "SHIT WHISPERER" BIG STINK

IWANTA SHYTE AND DRIVER CHARD IN "SHIT WHISPERER" BIG STINK

At a recent meeting of the literary and procrastination sub committee of the Duck Flat Cap Society, the groups chairman and acting president "Driver Chard of El Hadj Duiff"  was involved in an ugly incident involving the co author of their recent novel "The Shit whisperer".

The 800 page volume has been widely acknowledged by the literary press as a supreme collaborative work of art, which follows the life and times of a shit shoveller who had the uncanny gift of being able to softly talk the sewage out of the cesspit and in to his barrow.

The principle protagonist of the story is an eighteenth century character named Eyneeda Shyte, who was born in to slavery in North Africa, and who escaped his Barbary Pirate hosts by diving in to a ships shit heap and lying immersed within the ever increasing dung heap until the ship docked at Plymouth , England.

Having made his way off the vessel he hid for three months in a local farms pig stye where he soon noticed that the mire and accumulated shit defecated by the various farm animals would form orderly neat hummocks of shit as he gently spoke to the stinking quagmire.  After a number of months Eyneeda Shyte had murdered the farmer and his wife and taken up with a concubine of black and white porkers.

Three years later he had established himself as the Number One Poo picker upper in the entire country of England and was setting up franchises in Wales, Scotland and Northern France. He was supported in his task by his hybrid chimera "son- pigs", of whom Driver Chard's co author Iwanta Shyte is the great great grandson. 

The novel goes on to explain the ups and downs of the shit shoveller and ends with a grand claim that several European  Royal family's are closely related by Black Pudding to the shit groveller's dynasty.

Iwanta has now claimed that the volumes has been written entirely by himself and that Driver Chard's only involvement was an interest in his porcine niece, a large sow that lives in his garden and lays down a velvet shit when provoked with a bushel of wheat.

Driver Chard's response was to stick his furled umbrella up the anus of Iwanta and wrench his waistband until his balls burst. Feeling deflated the ageing great grandson of the shit shovelling dynasty left the podium and after regaining his composure Driver Chard declared the meeting over and consumed his three pints of best bitter whist whistling the Marseillaise and fingering his i pad.

Any further incidents regarding the unfortunate Iwanta and the true pedigree of the novel will be published here in due course.

R.I.P   JOHN CHARD 1933 - 2020

THE TUBE STRIKE BLUES

THE TUBE STRIKE BLUES

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