A SHORT HISTORY OF TURDOXIANISM AND BOHEMEISM

A SHORT HISTORY OF TURDOXIANISM AND BOHEMEISM

There are many myths concerning the growth of the Turdoxian cult and the earlier origins of the Bohemian creed.

However, there is only one true story to tell, and this text contains the truthful account of the rise and fall of these once great religious bodies.

We must start amid the marshy plains and the water cress filled  river Glade at Croxley Green, sometime in the fourth century, at a time of great change throughout the Lands that have evolved to become England. 

At this time the Roman Legions were rapidly retreating from their fortified encampments throughout England, from ports such as Dover and Portsmouth. Their place was being taken by our glorious forefathers, the Saxons, Angles and Jutes from the Northern European regions of Jutland, Friesure and Saxony. 

One of the Barbarian invaders was known by the name “ Ooncolas Boheimannicus “ who has been known to many over the years by his anglicised name of “UNCLE BOHEIM” .

Uncle Boheim was a great leader and his band of heathen followers were known as “ Turdoxianticattisites “ due to the fresh turds that were worn round their necks as they went in to Battle . This name has also evolved and is now “TURDOXIAN”.

We must now jump forward until 1975 when the Reverent J R Gates and Lord S J Hookens began to spread the word that Uncle Boheim was indeed still with us, and that we must fight the evil that had infected the Turdoxian creed.

It became a daily occurrence to be asked "are you Turdoxian or Bohemian ?" as you passed through the North Wembley or Sudbury streets.

Reverent Gates was a failed recidivist and known junky with delusions of grandeur, believing that he was David Bowie’s clone, with a haircut that attempted to put the "Greenie" in The Gene Genie. 

He had hooked up with S J Hookens whilst allegedly looking for drugs at Alperton School in 1970 and together they represented the hardcore of Bohemianism.

Their zeal to recruit was assisted by The Honorable D Buckland , a spider web elbowed Greaser who continued to wear the evangelical robes of Boheim until a moves to Peterborough and Kent dented his enthusiasm. 

Future converts include the Pauliticus Slippery Baxtorian the elder, an acorn headed Saxon with  tourets syndrome.

To be continued in due course.