PLASTIC ELASTIC BALL INSULATORS FOR SWINGERS

Further to earlier reports, the manufactures of "Plastic Elastic Ball insulators for swingers", which are marketed as "Plum Protectors for the Broad of mind & Broadband user" would like to make it perfectly clear that their product is not to be used if the purchaser is less than five feet six inches tall.

If the user is shorter than the pre determined minimum size limit, there is a real danger of injury, due to the propensity of the rubber encased swingers to bounce violently if they come in to sharp contact with the ground or another hard object.

During trials of the product, conducted in Bangalore, India, several Bangalore's gentlemen of a miniature stature, were hospitalised with strangulated testicles due to their Wang danglers bouncing of the floor whilst indulging in the act of copulation.

Each of these unfortunate gentleman had reported poor connectivity with their Broadband after having there Swingers replaced with inferior Titanium metallic Plumbs, and had been offered the "Plastic Elastic Ball insulators for swingers" as a possible solution. As these brave pioneers were sexually active, it was only a few hours before the first reports of strangulated Testes started reaching the emergency wards of the Bangalore.

However, it was soon noted that each of these unfortunate lovers of cold steel, were minuscule in size, with none over the height of five foot five. Further research clarified the original prognoses that a combination of the highly sexual behaviour of the Broadbandless Bangalore swingers and the dry, rock hard surfaces used for sexual activity, were the perfect interface for the plastic plums to reek havoc after rebounding of the floor and rupturing the connecting tissues of the Bollock Cages of the Bangalore hosts.

So beware, if under five foot five , do not use "Plastic Elastic Ball insulators for swingers", unless you wish to entangle your danglers with liniment and bandages and risk permanent detachment of your much loved Titanium Steel Lolly pops................................

TITANIUM SWINGERS ALERT

News has reached the Duck Flat Cap Society Telecommunications sub committee that a recent outbreak of  Broadband malfunction, has been caused by the modern Bohemian trend of replacing perfectly good swingers with replacement Titanium Balls.

These cheap, poorly made imports from the Indian sub-continent, have increasingly become trendy throughout Europe, and in particular the suburbs of Glasgow and Edinburgh.

Unfortunately for the users of these Titanium Steel clangers, the static electricity produced by the friction of the swing danglers rubbing together, results in the malfunction of the Modem / Router supplied by telecommunication companies with their standard Home Hub.

A frustrated call to the standard call centre only results in an affectionate "Mary", "Dave" or "Gupta" relaying the standard scripted reply "our records indicate that your line is operating correctly, and there must be a fault with your Modem / Router / Home Hub".

This is off course complete Hootenanny, and you will already have checked your equipment and found it faultless.

However, Emily", "Peter", "Gladys" in Bangalore will not know that you are the proud owner of prosthetic Titanium Swingers. So to be fair, unless you categorically state at the start of your call, that you have steel bollocks, you can not expect them to know that you have made this amendment to your bollock cage, and therefore can not offer a correct diagnosis to resolve the matter in hand, so to speak.

However, help is at hand.

A recent study at the "Max Plankt Institute of Titanium Knockers and Ball Swingers" has discovered that a simple remedy is to be made available to the frustrated Broadband users of Glasgow, Edinburgh and other Bohemian areas favoured by the recipients of the cold Titanium Steel prosthetic spheres.

The answer to the tricky problem is to simply spray your swingers with a soluble Plastic product, to be marketed as "Plastic Elastic Ball insulators for swingers" and known as "Plum Protectors for the Broad of mind Broadband user" .

On purchasing the product, spray your spherical appendages with an even coating if the plastic product, and within 10 minutes a solid but flexible coating of plastic will ensure that all unwelcome Static discharges will be eliminated, meaning that your Broadband Connection should be unaffected by your Titanium Implants.

So in short, all of you out there who are the proud but frustrated owners of Titanium Swing Danglers, can continue to use the Internet whilst continuing to appreciate the hard weight of the Titanium pulling on your scrotum.


Swing free brothers ...............................

CURRY

ALLEGED UNSUBSTANTIATED RECENT RESEARCH BY " THE WEALDSTONE, GOODWIN SANDS AND CRICKLEWOOD   INSTITUTE OF DIETARY WELL BEING" HAS ALLEGEDLY PROVED THAT A GOOD CURRY IS THE BEST FOOD FOR YOU IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM ANY MEDICAL CONDITION.
THIS INCLUDES ALL BROKEN BONES, CARDIAC PROBLEMS, ARTHRITIS, DISEASES OF THE LUNGS, SEXUAL ORGANS, BUNIONS,FLATULENCE, MENTAL DISORDER ETC.

FURTHER MORE, A VATICAN SOURCE HAS DIVULGED THAT A RECENTLY DISCOVERED PAPAL BULL FROM 1503 ISSUED BY PIUS 111 CONTAINED AN EDICT CONFIRMING THAT A CERTAIN SPICY FOOD FROM THE INDIAN SUB CONTINENT HAD A DIVINE PURPOSE, AND THAT IT WAS TO BE PROPOSED THAT A LAMB KARIA AND NAN BREAD WERE TO REPLACE THE USUAL WAFER AT COMMUNION.

IN VIEW OF THIS RECENT INFORMATION, I FEEL IT IS ONLY FAIR THAT THE GOVERNMENT IMMEDIATELY GRANT AT LEAST TWO FREE CURRIES PER MONTH FOR EACH MEMBER OF THE ELECTORAL REGISTER TO BE CONSUMED WITH THE FREE BEER DISCUSSED IN AN EARLIER POST.

PLEASE E MAIL OR WRITE TO YOUR LOCAL MP WITH A REQUEST TO THIS EFFECT.

WHY BEER IS GOOD

BEER IS GOOD FOR YOU, ITS THE TRUTH !!.

THIS HAS BEEN PROVED BY ALL THE LEADING PROFESSORS AND GREAT MINDS THROUGHOUT EUROPE AND THE AMERICAS.
IN THIS RESPECT, WHO CAN DISPROVE THAT MOST AMERICAN PRESIDENTS ARE PISSED THROUGHOUT THERE WHOLE TERM OF OFFICE !!

RUSSIA HAS ALWAYS BEEN RULED BY INEBRIATED LOVERS OF THE HOP, VINE AND SPIRITS.

IN FACT THE GREATEST MIND OF ALL TIME - ALBERT EINSTEIN WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED OF HIS HEAD, AND HIS THEORY OF RELATIVITY WAS DREAMT UP IN AN ALCOHOLIC STUPOR.

THE ATTACHED PHOTOS ARE PROOF THAT BEER AND ALCOHOL IMPROVE THE MALE BODY AND THUS PROLONG LIFE AND VIGOUR.

BEER - WHY AINT IT FREE ?

BEER IS THE MAIN STAPLE FOOD OF 99% OF WORKING CLASS MEN AND 78% OF WORKING CLASS WOMEN.

THIS IS TRUE AND NOT A LIE.

IT IS RECORDED AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE ON A LARGE SCROLL IN THE QUEENS BED CHAMBER.

THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE ALL BEER SHOULD BE FREE PROVIDED IT IS NO MORE THAN 4.4% . WE MUST ALL STAND UP TO THE CURRENT AND AND FUTURE GOVERNMENT AND PROTEST BY WITHHOLDING ALL TAXES UNTIL BEER IS AVAILABLE TO ALL, BUT THE LANDED GENTRY AND ESTATE AGENTS, FOR FREE !.

IF YOU ARE ARE IN AGREEMENT WITH THIS POST PLEASE RESPOND BY WRITING TO YOUR LOCAL MP DEMANDING FREE BEER.

BROUHAHA !!!